Reading this week's Diary, you have to wonder whether she's ever actually heard a real conversation between a man and woman, let alone participated in one! In Liz world, a date goes like this:
(1) Endless wranglings by phone and text over arrangements.
(2) Endless preparations and new purchases
(3) Complicated arrangement involving deception and pretence (in this case, inventing a dinner date purely to be perverse)
(4) Kick off the proceedings with sarcastic sneer ("Well, this is fun"....guaranteed to get the guy glowing with affection and warmth towards you eh?)(Oh, and by the way, no non-drinker would ever feel the need to give his partner an added reason for not drinking ("I'm driving. And I don't drink, remember.")
That makes absolutely no sense. He doesn't drink, so the driving is irrelevant.)
(5) Liz talks about herself
(6) FRS talks about Liz
(7) Liz talks about herself
(8) FRS talks about Liz, evidently charmed and captivated by her frosty and cold behaviour towards him...because men just love that, don't they?
(Repeat until end of date)
(9)Stilted grammatically-precise conversation with no contractions or elisions ("I will buy
you a watch"..."You are not
going to email...")
(10) As date ends, without a smidgeon of warmth or pleasantness from Liz, FRS says something illogically complimentary (in this case "You must have men hitting on you all the time")
(11) Liz recounts bizarrely detailed "the-only-time-I've-ever-been-hit-on scenario" (has she forgotten all those other being-hit-on anecdotes she's regaled us with over the years?)
(12) Evening is neatly rounded off with a lifted-directly-from-SATC Mr Big moment, complete with humming car window.
Repeat ad infinitum.