Food and Drink, with Samantha Prick.
He's home! He's home! My uber stallion Pascal has returned from shaping bits of wood into sensual, phallic shapes. Now to get my hands on his pha . . .!
'Woman! Eez ma souperrrr rrrrreadeee? I am 'uunnngree.'
'Yes, my darling hero superman. There's wine and cheese and absolutely no vegetables or pulses, just as you demanded.'
He grunted, spat on the floor and then scratched his privates before slumping onto a stool. Absolutely adorable! I watched longingly as he wolfed down hunks of cheese and French stick before washing it all down with a flagon of red wine.
'Buuuuuurrrp!!! Eeeez assez bon. Maintenant, venez ici!'
'Whatever you ask, my whole world.' I swooned, unsteady on my feet as I tottered towards him.
Pascal raised his arms for our embrace, his sweaty pits exposing matted hair with pussed boils amongst the meshed ensemble.
He opened his mouth for our kiss. I could see his tongue was furred with cheese and had become a deep purple colour after the red wine had flowed over it. Rivulets of slime stretched at the corners of his mouth before our open lips met.
Hmmmm. I'm getting a rich bouquet of vomit fruit, with just a tingle of paint stripper. There's an undertone of week-old fish that compliments nicely with the yeasty aroma of gone-off lager. All in all, a good value-for-money snog that should suit most pockets.
You can read more of Samantha's reviews on email@example.com