From the Column of Truth
No doubt by now the entire world is on tenterhooks to hear confirmation of the truth about me and my good, good friend, international superstar and Daddy-who-loves-his-kids-nearly-as-much-as-me Mr Goldenballs.
As an International Ambassador, I'm quite used to being summoned at a moment's notice to top-level discussions, so when Mr Goldenballs asked for a meeting, I jumped into the Lambo and raced to the scene (not forgetting to take the kids to school first of course).
We met up in one of my very successful and spotlessly clean coffee shops.
I was hoping that Mrs Goldenballs would be there aswell - like me she has a very successful clothing brand, but apparently she had taken the children to the loo, although why they had to go all the way to Paris for a wee I will never know.
Over coffee, Mr Goldenballs and I discussed the important international events of the day. To be fair, he has played Wembley a few more times than I have, but as I told him, a handful of football medals are mere trifles compared to my DOTY trophies.
Anyway, as we were finishing our coffee, Mr Goldenballs reached across the table and grabbed my hand.
"So Peter," he squeaked, "Would you like to have a look in my famous lunchbox?"
Honestly, guys, I thought he meant he'd brought us some sandwiches and maybe a muffin or two to share.........