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Comedy Sketch of Craig
Luxxy
Posts: 18,607 Forum Member
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This gem is from the wonderful Juliet Bravo from GBBF.
TWO MONTHS LATER......GUESS WHO CAME TO DINNER AND WON"T LEAVE!
..in a quiet culde sac in Consett Co. Durham, behind the unassuming facade of the ordinary two up two down terraced house, with its neat front garden and crisp, white net curtains, turmoil reigns in the Hutton household, over the house guest Craig Coates......
Nana Hutton: ( whispers) "Ant'knee pet, I know 'es ya mate like but it's been two month now like and 'es eatin' us out of house and home like".
Ant'knee: "ay I knows Nana, but I canna do owt, 'e won't leave us alone like."
Cretinous Craig:
"Anfffonknee..Anfffonnnkneeee...come and sit next to me, give me a cuddle b!tch, can I touch ya Anffonknee, can I, sit next to me ( sob , sob, blub, blub) Why ya got ya arm round that b!tch!!!"
Ant'knee: "Fookin' hell man, she's me Nana like!"
Cromer Crimper Craig: "OH I can't believe YOU Anfffonkneee after ALL I've done for ya and you treat me like sh!t. I'm telling ya boy don't trust anyone in this house. I cook and clean for you, not that old woman and that other devious cow..."
Ant'knee: "Who me mam like?"
Creepy Craig: "Listen Anffonknee she's trying to come between us, she's a manipulative b!tch, she's not fit to touch ya...."
Ant'knee: "But she gave birth to us like!!!"
Callous Craig: "Details mere details. I wish you were ( puts hands to his mouth and whispers) G...A..Y)."
Ant'knee: "But I'm always happy and that like!"
T!tboy: "Do ya love me Annffonknee, do ya, do ya love me???, come and sit next to me. Where ya going Anffonkneeee, I can't bear to be in a room without ya.."
Nana Hutton: "He's gaan to the tiolet like pet, leave him for a sec like, and shouldn't ya be making a move back to Norfolk, like. I'm sure ya mam must be missin' yas and that like."
The Cromer Creep: "Oh you can just shut up. I will not diminish my character by arguing with you, old woman, get out of my way, you don't know me and what I'm capable of!!!!!!!Anyway for your information my family have moved and I dont have a forwarding address. Annnfffonkneeeee I'm coming darhlin'".
Nana Hutton to Ma Hutton: "Call 999 now....and tell 'em to send armed back -up like pet."
Absolute quality!
TWO MONTHS LATER......GUESS WHO CAME TO DINNER AND WON"T LEAVE!
..in a quiet culde sac in Consett Co. Durham, behind the unassuming facade of the ordinary two up two down terraced house, with its neat front garden and crisp, white net curtains, turmoil reigns in the Hutton household, over the house guest Craig Coates......
Nana Hutton: ( whispers) "Ant'knee pet, I know 'es ya mate like but it's been two month now like and 'es eatin' us out of house and home like".
Ant'knee: "ay I knows Nana, but I canna do owt, 'e won't leave us alone like."
Cretinous Craig:
"Anfffonknee..Anfffonnnkneeee...come and sit next to me, give me a cuddle b!tch, can I touch ya Anffonknee, can I, sit next to me ( sob , sob, blub, blub) Why ya got ya arm round that b!tch!!!"
Ant'knee: "Fookin' hell man, she's me Nana like!"
Cromer Crimper Craig: "OH I can't believe YOU Anfffonkneee after ALL I've done for ya and you treat me like sh!t. I'm telling ya boy don't trust anyone in this house. I cook and clean for you, not that old woman and that other devious cow..."
Ant'knee: "Who me mam like?"
Creepy Craig: "Listen Anffonknee she's trying to come between us, she's a manipulative b!tch, she's not fit to touch ya...."
Ant'knee: "But she gave birth to us like!!!"
Callous Craig: "Details mere details. I wish you were ( puts hands to his mouth and whispers) G...A..Y)."
Ant'knee: "But I'm always happy and that like!"
T!tboy: "Do ya love me Annffonknee, do ya, do ya love me???, come and sit next to me. Where ya going Anffonkneeee, I can't bear to be in a room without ya.."
Nana Hutton: "He's gaan to the tiolet like pet, leave him for a sec like, and shouldn't ya be making a move back to Norfolk, like. I'm sure ya mam must be missin' yas and that like."
The Cromer Creep: "Oh you can just shut up. I will not diminish my character by arguing with you, old woman, get out of my way, you don't know me and what I'm capable of!!!!!!!Anyway for your information my family have moved and I dont have a forwarding address. Annnfffonkneeeee I'm coming darhlin'".
Nana Hutton to Ma Hutton: "Call 999 now....and tell 'em to send armed back -up like pet."
Absolute quality!
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THIS IS HILARIOUS! Make it a sticky!
That is BRILLIANT!!
MEANWHILE AT THE CONSETT POLICE STATION.....
........custody officer Brain Jenkins receives a frantic telephone call:
Pc Jenkins: "..calm down pet, speak slower. I canna hear yas.....what he's been there two month like and won't leave....stalkin' ya grandson like...a dangerous lunatic ya says....yes we do have trained armed officers at this station...well I'll need a description like pet...enormous head.....pot-belly...ill-fitting pink t-shirt...ill-fitting jeans...sweaty chubby hands....answers to the name of Craig C.....OMG pet...that's not the Cromer Crimper off of BB6 is it ?....Jesus Christ this is more serious than I thought....we're on the case pet....don't antagonise him...he may start...to...cry!!!!!!!"
(Pc Jenkins puts the phone down and breathes heavily, then gets on his police radio).
..... "this is an urgent call out, code red, to ALL officers in the Co. Durham, Newcastle and Middlesborough region, hell the whole of the North East. We have a siege situation in Consett. One Craig Coates aka the Cromer Crimper, has taken Ant'knee Hutton, 70s disco dancer, hostage in the toilet of his small, but well proportioned terrace house. Approach with extreme caution. I repeat with extreme caution. Mounted police officers and those in full riot gear are to proceed to the scene immediately. GO! GO! GO!....I only pray to God we get there in time".
MEANWHILE BACK IN THE TOILET CHEZ HUTTON.........
Ant'knee (foolishly) takes a leak whilst Craig sits on the side of the bath, playfully twisting the head off the pink doll in a frilly long dress/toilet paper cover and gazing longingly at Ant'knee'...ermmm....member!!!.......suddenly with a fleetness of foot hitherto unseen in the slightly portly, well downright overweight Norfolk kno*end, Craig springs from the bath and positions himself right next to Ant'knee......
Ant'knee: " Fookin' hell man wat ya doin' like, why ya puttin' ya hands there!!!"
Cromer Craig: " Oh My God ( blub, blub) I DON"T BELIEVE YOU ANFFFONNNKNEEEE ( sob, sob), I put my hand on your co*k, as a friend ( sniffle, sniffle) and you're DISGUSTED, I make ya sick ( tiny tears, tiny tears). Ya let that b!tch touch it though didn't ya. Didn't complain when SHE did it ( breaksdown)".
Ant'knee: " Yeah but she was me ex-fiancee like , and we'd been goin' out for like two years and that..."
Crying Crimper: " but...but...but...I..love...you...and..God..why do I bother....I worship the ground you walk on.
.....and I won't say it cos you'll not like it......
Ant'knee: "Don't say it man like".
Cretinous Craig: "I won't say it..(puts hands to his mouth and whispers.... whilst still gazing at Ant'knee's co*k , which for some inexplicable reason is still out!!....I...WOULD...LIKE...TO...SLEEP...WITH..
YOU.."
Ant'knee: " But yas been sharing me bed for two month now like, in a manly way like".
Craig: "Anffonkneee what's all that noise, sounds like, police sirens, horses....and a helicopter?!!!!!"
Nana Hutton: ( voice shaking and hands quivering tries to open the toilet door..it's locked!!!!)
..... " Awww comeon now pet, let our Ant'knee out there's a love. There's some nice men downstairs in white coats and that like , who'd like a word with ya pet".
T!tboy: " I've told ya before old woman , back off. I'm not an instigator starter but if anyone touches Anffonknee I'll rip their arms off!!!".
(An un-characteristically quick witted Ant'knee siezes the opportunity of Nana Hutton and Craig arguing to button up his trousers and using a mascara pen ( which he uses for make-up in his stage show..... in a manly way ) to write a message on a sheet of toilet paper, which he places in one of the many empty bottles of massage lotion strewned around the toilet and tosses it out of the window).
Ant'knee: " Craig ya knows I like yas as a mate like, but ermm that like sex like innuendo and that like, ya got ta fookin' cut it out".
Creepy Craig: ( sobbing) " why do you treat me like sh!t. I will not diminish my character any further for the sake of this friendship..end of.
Craig grabs Ant'knee around the neck...
"..do ya want a massage Anfffonkneee???. Can I touch ya???"
Ant'knee: :rolleyes:
Suddenly Craig is distracted by the strains of a familiar song......
"Oh baby, baby, how was I supppose to know..."
Craig: " It's ....BRITNEY".
The crazed Crimper, loosens his grip on Ant'knee and begins to dance wildly around the toilet.
Outside a huuuuuge crowd has gathered, held back by the telltale sign of blue and white police tape. A helicopter wurrs above....officers in riot gear, TV crews, a whole media circus. Davina Macoll ( dressed in black) is working the crowd. Many have banners.....PC Jenkins holds the empty massage lotion bottle in his hand, the hastily written note, in Ant'knee's barely legible childish handwriting, held tightly in his gloved fist.It reads:
"help...being holded hoostaige, by Crag, he's a fookin'' meantallist...he says we'll be two gether four ever...he says me dancing carrear is over like.......and that I'll never boogie oogie oggie till I just can't boogie no more again!!!!....get me out like....ya got ta distrate him....play some music like....Britney Shears....Hit Me Baby One More Time.....get a hoostaige negotia..negoati...someone who can talk to him like...there's only one woman for that job like...ya knows who I mean....hurry up like...cheers Ant'knee"
Suddenly this quiet street in Consett Co. Durham resembles a biblical scene as the crowd starts to part like the Red Sea.....from amidst the darkness, the noise and confusion emerges a figure...dressed in a black PVC mini -dress, weilding a truncheon...the voice is loud and distinctive, authoritative yet strangely annoying....
..."at the end of the daaaaay riiiiight...I KNOW I'm good looking and 'ave blokes fallin' at my feet and I'm a fookin' top hostage negotiator"
I am going to bookmark it!!
hahahaha
Award winning comedy I was PMSL
Thank you for that joy!!
This is better than watching BB6 !!!!!
The scary thing is I can see Craig going pyscho on Ant. :eek:
craig to win
Cretinous Craig: "I won't say it..(puts hands to his mouth and whispers.... whilst still gazing at Ant'knee's co*k , which for some inexplicable reason is still out!!....I...WOULD...LIKE...TO...SLEEP...WITH..
YOU.."
my favouite line. A's co*k still out "for some inexplicable reason". Their relationship in a nutshell.
Thanks so much for posting this.
Episode 2... an increasingly frantic Nana Hutton calls PC Jenkins of the Co. Durham constabulary. Fully appraised of the dangerous hostage situation in progress he send in armed back-up. Episode 3... Craig's obsession is spiralling out of control. The police send in the big guns...Lesleeh!!
EPISODE 4 "Every 'witch'way but lose".
MEANWHILE BACK IN THE TOILET OF ANT'KNEE'S SMALL BUT COMFORTABLE TERRACED HOUSE, TENSIONS ARE RUNNING HIGH........
The Cromer Crimper: " OMG it's Lesleeh...Lesleeeh, Lesleeeeehhhh!!! Is that you love ?. Team Britney rises again, they're playing our song Lesleeehh...'my lonliness is killing me...' Oh too right Britney, too bloody right love, you speak the truth girl....'I must confess I still believe, still believe'...Oh Anfffonkneee I STILL BELIEVE..BELIEVE IN US!!!!"
Ant'knee: :rolleyes:
Crazy Craig: " Do ya like Britney Anfffonkneee?"
Ant'knee: " Nah man, she's not one of me favourites like."
MEANWHILE OUTSIDE THE HOUSE IN A SCENE REMINESCENT OF AL PACINO IN A "DOG'S DAY AFTERNOON".... Warner Bros pictures (1971) directed by Sidney Lumet.... PC JENKINS IS A WORRIED MAN.....
PC Jenkins: " Come on Fat Les pet, I thought ya could get him out".
Lesleeh: " Listen mate I'm tryin' me best, he doesn't even know if he's out yet, wat chance 'ave I got. Comeone Craigie, for Team Britney's sake come out love, ya know ya can't hurry love, you just got to wait..it don't come easy, it's a game of give and take"
PC Jenkins: " Ermm Fat Les pet, yas sure that's standard hostage negotiation technique?"
Lesleeeh: " ya calling me a bully , are ya??, are ya ? cos I ain't bothered right...cos at the end of the daaaay riight...Craigie listen babe, ya got to give up, just pull ya self together, get a grip ya soft g!t".
Cromer Craig: " OMG Lesleeeh not you too. I can't believe it ( blub, blub) you've turned against me, just like that b!tch Vanessa ( tiny tears, tiny tears), everyone hates me, no-one asks me; if I want a cup of tea no-one asks me...I hate people. Anfffonkneeeee you've rejected me and I can't go on any longer...just kill me ( breaksdown)".
Ant'knee: ( whisper) "don't tempt us like" ."fookin' 'ell. Wat's wrong with yas like, man. You're acting like a geek!"
Crying Craig: " ohhh you b!tch"
With that Craig slaps a stunned Ant'knee square in the face.
Ant'knee: " Mam, Nana help us like, he's turning nasty!!!!".
Craig: " Kiss me Anfffonknee and I'll forgive you".
Ant'knee: "No like".
A loud wailing sound is heard throughout Co. Durham.
Lesleeeh: " at the end of the daaaay riight, I'm ya friend Craigie, just come out and I'll give ya a cuddle".
Ant'knee: " Yeah do as she says man, like. If yas gaan down stairs with us, I'll stuck yas fingers".
Craig: "OHHHHHHHH!! ANFFFONNNKNEEEEE!!! I knew you loved me."
Ant'knee: :rolleyes:
Ant'knee and the Cromer Crimper gingerly make their way downstairs. Ma and Nana Hutton are waiting outside nervously with PC Jenkins. As they reach the front door Craig suddenly stops and producing from the back pocket of his saggy jeans a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs:
Ant'knee: "WTF yas doin' with them like?"
Craig: "Ohhhhh Anfffonknee I was saving them for later ( puts hands to his mouth).......WHEN..WE'RE....IN....BED"
Ant'knee: " Jesus man, d'yas ever stop like".
Craig: " But just to make sure..."
Craig slaps one side of the pink fluffy cuffs on Ant'knee's right wrist the other one on his left wrist.
Craig: "I'll like to see them part us now".
With that he opens the door to be greeted by the sight of the baying mob, Davina having worked them into a frenzy. A telephone vote has been going on all evening as to whether or not Craig should be section, so far 78% say yes, although there have been problems with some of the text vote registering. They keep coming back saying
"you're vote for Orlaith has not been counted". The helicopter still wurrs overhead and the mass ranks of the riot squad prepare themselves for battle.
Lesleeeh: " That's it Craigie just come out bit by bit. Now Step away from the 70s disco dancer. I repeat step away from the 70s disco dancer"
Ant'knee: ( whisper) " I have to give to Fat Les, this is text boooke stuff."
All is going well when suddenly the clip, clop, clap sound of tiny stilletoes breaks the night air.......
" Don't trust Fat Les, she's a mole as well....I'm sure of it, call herself a hostage negotiator. She couldnt negotiate her way out of a club toilet, and let's face it baby doll that's where most of YOUR sexual enconters have taken place. Excuse me PC Jenkins baby doll Sir, there's only one way to end this siege. You gotta punk that psycho b!tch Craig!!! BTW PC Jenkins you look fabulous in that uniform darhlin'"
PC Jenkins ( blushing profusely) " why thank yas officer Kemal...but.....ermmm...wat in the blue blazes are yas doin' man!!! yas just jeopardised a very delicate operation!!!".
Officer Kemal" Opps sorry baby doll, damn I knew I should have brought my strawberry lip gloss....hey lola...hey lolaaaa" Officer Kemal begins to belly dance for the crowd.
Creintous Craig: " I knew it, just knew it...Anfffonkneee they've tricked me ( blub, blub) They want to separate us...never..who will massage you, who will cook for you...who will wipe your ar$e?" ( cry, cry!!).
Craig suddenly reaches for the back pocket of his saggy jeans again and produces a pair of hair clippers. He grabs Ant'knee round the neck and aims the weapon at the 70s disco dancer's carefully plucked eyebrows!!!!
"Listen coppers, I've got hairclippers and I ain't afraid to use 'em!!!"
Nana Hutton: " Sweet Jesus not our Ant'knee's eyebrows...anything but the eyebrows. PC Jenkins yas gottta do something like pet, anything.....ANYTHING!!!!"
Ant'knee: (whispers)"Damn yas Kemal, I knew it were a bad idea yas gaaning into the police force...that was a school boy error like"
Craig : ( shouting through his tears) ' YOU"LL NEVER SPILT US UP.... I LOVE ANFFONKNEE AND HE LOVES ME...ONE MILLION PER CENT...ENDOF!!!!"
PC Jenkins: " This is disastrous...but I've got an idea...it's risky and I'll need authorisation from the top".
Officer Kemal: " Ohhh baby doll, you don't mean authorisation from Superintendant Sir Tommy Robson, twin brother of Toon legend Sir Bobby Robson, former manager of Newcastle and England, Sir ???!!!".
PC Jenkins: " I do indeed Kemal, I do indeed. It's not often we have to call on such high ranking officers, but what I've got in mind ....well its's big. Kemal".
Officer Kemal: " If you say so baby doll Sir" (snort, snort, )
Pc Jenkins: " Honestly Kemal, be serious. I want yas to phone Sir Tommy; this is a fight of good against evil and we're losing.....so we've gotta fight fire with fire......"
Officer Kemal: " Oh my days baby doll Sir, you don't mean.....go over to the other side???!!!..."
PC Jenkins: " Yes...we're going to have to contact the spirit world. Once Superintendant Robson gives you the go ahead, call Mary the Witch. Tell her to rendez vous with us in the grave yard of the Church of the Immaculate Conception, Consett at midnight....she's gonna do a seance...and contact....the dark side....she's gonna get.....The Dark Deceiver!!!!! "
Officer Kemal: " Oh...My....Days.....what drama...where are my accessories....comeone headscarf...b!tch don't fail me now..."
Tracey: No I didn't write this, a lady over from C4 forums wrote it.
rofl, that was the funniest bit.
I can imagine it too. I honestly think that when they're all out, Craigs going to turn into some crazed mid-night stalker.