[Loopzilla]

Big in Japan?! They'd be ruddy massive in Japan, those people are titchy. I can just see it now, Sam n Em cause mayhem in Tokyo, screaming at people because there's nothing to eat but "foreign muck". The military finally subdue them, everyone breathes a sigh of relief then......the ground vibrates, the vibrations grow more violent as out of the sea emerges Ma n Pa Chawn to retrieve their babies and wreak revenge on the city.

[tenorlady]

Originally Posted by Loopzilla

Because I'm avoiding the news for the next 3 months as I'm fed up of Olympics non-news, I've shoved the chawners on again.

More chawner stuff:

Spoiler

I missed the summer holiday yesterday. When Emma throws a mug of cold water over her mum while she's snoozing in the sun. Audrey's just got out of hospital with C severe asthma attack. Now, my asthma is sporadic and mostly mild, but if someone chucked cold water on me like that my lung branches would close up like a clam! Hateful girl, Emma. Never mind, Audrey will have her revenge from the grave when Emma's older and needing an oxygen tank to breathe after a lifetime of smoking.

Then before Sam takes her theory test she's crying again about how she'd like her mum to accompany her but she won't because she's a "lazy fat cow". If anyone talked about me like that, the only place I'd accompany them to is to the end of my boot!

I am LOVING your Chawner reviews! Thank you so much

[hammerfan]

Better make sure I go no-where near Bristol over the weekend then! Do they think there will be crowds - should I contact my local MP & let him know they're coming & expect special treatment?

Thanks for your updates Loopy, along with the reminders of how we all got here in the first place, Sam & Emma's treatment of Audrey is disgraceful, there's no way in hell I would have got away with treating my folks like that - my parents always made sure there were "closed ranks" as they called it - there was none of this "ask your mother/ask your father" stuff going on.

I really believe Emma doesn't have enough brain power to figure out what's going on or how her actions affect others. I said when last chance started airing that she seems to think she's being "cheeky", when really, a woman of her age shouldn't be acting like that, she's not cheeky or funny, she's a bully. Then again, with how she's been raised, it's hardly surprising.

[greengran]

We're off to Lichfield near Birmingham for the weekend. I shall have to keep a look out in case we pass the Chawners on the motorway. Not sure they'd go that way but still.
I suppose they're going to stay with their friend the hairdresser, who notably did Audreys hair while Emma was in Hospital. Let's hope there's no drama this time, they'll never drag Audrey away from having her hair done.

[mrs.deschanel]

Originally Posted by Loopzilla

Big in Japan?! They'd be ruddy massive in Japan, those people are titchy. I can just see it now, Sam n Em cause mayhem in Tokyo, screaming at people because there's nothing to eat but "foreign muck". The military finally subdue them, everyone breathes a sigh of relief then......the ground vibrates, the vibrations grow more violent as out of the sea emerges Ma n Pa Chawn to retrieve their babies and wreak revenge on the city.

Like a pair of Chawnzillas?

[Loopzilla]

Originally Posted by LilAud

Well I have found the answer for the Chawns - and I require some love here folks -:

I have just had invisible teeth aligners fitted. You have to take them out when you eat and clean etc etc. and must be in for 22 hrs per day. Bang goes the snacking, really isn't worth the effort and will be a size 0 very soon :

I suppose the problem with the Chunks is that they haven't really got any proper teeth to align.

God I am hungry

OMG, I had train tracks for two years before getting married. What a nightmare. Everything had to either be soft or bitesize or the blasted thing would snap. Then they put elastic bands attaching the top teeth to the bottom. If the chawnz had teeth train tracks would be perfect.

The invisalign retainers I had afterwards were easy peasy compared to train tracks. At least I could eat chunky kitKats again. I had no qualms about brushing my teeth 10 times a day!

[wannabegothchav]

Next Time Aud overdoses on peanuts instead of going to A&E she should have a munch on one of these http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-n...n-ghost-838686

[Loopzilla]

TODAY'S EPISODE PART 1

Spoiler

Oh jeez, Sam's about to tell her dad about the boyfriend. OMG, Phil going on about meeting people off the internet. Blind dates, well, she could end up with another Phil. Ha ha haaaa. Phil says he looks like a yobbo! Erm....how many ASBO's have YOU got now Phil? Audrey looked pleased for her, well she moved her mouth in the up position. Oh no, "He'll be bashing you up, you've seen it on Jeremy Kyle!". Seriously Phil she's in her twenties, she can sleep with an entire marching band if she wants!

Classic Phil "He's got a hold of you already, yes he has". Oh like you haven't! And its business as usual, Sam crying and Phil in a big moo. Ahhh, very enlightening. You know when people project their own personalities onto others, well Phil's said "She can't wait to get there can she! What's he done to you? Is he threatening you saying 'come down here for the weekend or I won't bother with you no more'"

And THAT is exactly what Phil would say, not this boyfriend. He's always telling them he'll disown them if they get boyfriends, or do something that might loosen his grip on them.

Obviously, Emma's on dad's side. Phil's now making sex noises, saying that's what she does on the internet with him. Now he says "You're gonna leave us now". Well, duh! She's a grown woman, not a five yr old
ADVERT!

[Loopzilla]

PART TWO

Spoiler

It's the morning after. Sam's still crying. She said last night Phil wouldn't eat the tea she made because he said she had put poison in it. What a FRRRRREAK! Sam says "I just gotta get outta here" and Audrey replied "How do you think I feel?!" Well DO SOMETHING THEN! Put his stinky purple shirt and build-a-bear shoes on the doorstep and lock the door on him next time he goes to Tesco!

He's such a twonk. Sam needed a letter from the hospital picking up and he "accidentally on purpose" forgot it. Phil reckons "This bloke has got you where he wants you, you're under his thumb!" The man clearly has no self-awareness! He's describing himself. You know what he sounds like...a man who's wife has admitted to an affair. That family is all wrong. Emma is piping up that Sam is wanting to make her dad look bad on tv. Shut it, you little gnome!

And SHAZZAM! There it is "He only want you cos you're famous on tv!". I'm sure if boyfriend wanted to date a z-lister there are more normal ones out there. Are they z-listers? What comes after Z?

Phil's a nasty vile man. Emma's worse. She took Sam's phone and read her text messages out to her dad to wind him up. Phil, apparently, went on the internet for advice and 50 people replied agreeing with him. Come on! Own up! Which of you old time CoC were winding him up?

Flippin' 'eck, Philip Hodson's trying to sort it out now. Good luck, pal! Audrey's fell asleep in the shrink's office again. Snoring like my dog she is! I like Philip Hodson, he can meet me on the internet any time! Is he gay though?

ADVERT

[mrs.deschanel]

Audrey snores like a drain. How embarrassing when someone asks her a question and gets a massive snorty snore as an answer.

Phil is disgusting. He is a lair, he is childish, he is pathetic and he is manipulative. How anyone can see that performance from him and still be a fan of his is beyond me

[Loopzilla]

PART THREE

Spoiler

It's the final meeting with LK. Still she doesn't feel safe enough to breathe the fumes of chawner towers so they're in a hotel. LK's quizzing Sam on the boyfriend and how she SHOULD leave home. Phil's face is like a bag of spanners, ha ha! The big moon face!

Audrey's fallen asleep again. She needs a blood test or something. Weight results. Sam's lost 1st11. Emma lost 4lbs....is that in 6 months? Jeez, I lose more than that after a curry. Phil's lost 1st4. Audrey's gained 3lbs. But, she's wearing her teeth, so they might weigh extra. "I've eaten plenty of fruit (trifle) plenty of veg (chips)"

Emma's shouting at her mum to try harder. Oh yes, 4lbs off in 6 months, you can't talk!

Oh God, no, its the Roman banquet photo shoot! I must admit, I'd find it real hard not to eat any of those cream cakes and chocolate fountains. Here we go, Audrey wants to move to Emmerdale because "they have families moving in and out all the time". Priceless!

Aaaargh! Phil's flashed his black undercrackers and knocked me sick"

OH NO, HUBBY HOME. WILL RESUME WHEN HE'S CLEARED OFF ON HIS LADS NIGHT OUT

[yorkiegal]

why are they of two Bristol for the day? Wonder if it's to see their solicitor before the next court appearance in June.

[LilAud]

I am sitting down to a Chawnerthon tomorrow to watch (and record on DVD) Series 2. I have seen all 3 series before, but you see something new each time you watch

I would so have loved to have someone like Elise to guide me and I would have really loved to have gone to America for a few months - perhaps I need to get really fat, give up my jobs and house and then get Bio to film me

[Loopzilla]

PART FOUR

Spoiler

BOAK! Emma inadvertently flashed her tummy apron as she didn't realise she'd picked too much of her toga up. But thank God it's a big tummy roll cos it covered her va-jay-jay

Phil's worrying about about his op. I can't make fun of that because I'd be exactly the same. He's never had an op before, neither have I. It's a worry. Doesn't matter how minor the surgery is, its the anaesthetic that worries me. I had gas in the school dentist when I was six and it freaked me out for life.

ChawnerLogic alert
PHIL: Being a lorry driver doing nights. Probably why I put the weight on.
DAN: But you were a lorry drive 13 years ago. So you've had 13 years to lose more weight.
PHIL: Yeah, but, trouble is, not being able to work I put the weight back on.

Talking in circles. That winds me up. Ha ha haaaa! Ha haaa. Phil and his morbid fascination talking about his pacemaker. "You gotta have it taken out when you die, cos when they burn the coffin it explodes!"

That's ace, that's a snippet of useless information that I KNOW I'm going to regurgitate on a pub night out.

Uh-oh! Kelvin Mackenzie! I don't particularly like journalists, but on the subject of the chawns, he's bang on the money. View hate him. Emma's blue eyeshadow is something else! He's pulling Audrey up on gaining weight even with all the help, Kelvin's in stitches. LOL! Phil's turn to divulge the weightloss. Phil's put his maudlin face on and, probably in an attempt to gain Kelvin's sympathy, he's telling him about his pacemaker. Quick as a flash Kelvin asks "How much does a pacemaker weigh then?" LOL!

They're adamant that they're going to continue healthy living after the cameras have gone. Well, we all know that's a lie. Oh no! Kelvin's compared Emma's 4lb loss to Sam's 25lb loss. Don't make her angry, you won't like it when she's angry "HULK SMASH!"

Oops, its the "W" word. He's very nice with Audrey. He's trying to convince Phil that a pacemaker will make him better and well enough to work. Phil's just going on about charity work. That really pee's me off! I donate enough money to charity, so I don't want my NI contributions going to pay for a workshy bag of nonsense like Phil to do charity work. Most of us do charity work on our days off. The only reason he does charity work is because he's not under contract to do more than he fancies doing. GET A JOB!

Sam n Em are explaining to Kelvin they're not working because the stoopid job he put them onto, the website crashed while they were filling the online form in. What happened is that they fannied around so long the session expired. It was only Asda down the road they could have gone to the job centre and got an application form. Kelvin's now explaining to Emma that if she wants to study childcare (this is a new career path?) she can get a day job and study at night in night school. Emma's face was a picture! Half disgust and half disbelief that people really worked AND studied at the same time.

"I don't like being told what to do". And there's the crux, she doesn't like authority. And yet she responded quite well to the cadets, a mystery. Kelvin's called them intelligent. What?! Mind you, they've worked out how to get paid for doing stuff-all......I haven't worked that out yet.

All the experts are doing a piece to camera about ungrateful and useless they are. So that's all the experts, Lorraine, Dan, me, all of you, the ex-magistrate across the road and Bristol who think they're a bunch of cheeky, noisy, lazy, useless bludgers. But of course, its not their fault.

Ugh! Now Phil is lying on Sam's bed in between Sam n Em. With his purple shirt it looks like a beetroot butty. Too close for comfort that.

CHAWNERS LAST CHANCE NEXT WEEK

[Loopzilla]

Originally Posted by LilAud

I am sitting down to a Chawnerthon tomorrow to watch (and record on DVD) Series 2. I have seen all 3 series before, but you see something new each time you watch

I would so have loved to have someone like Elise to guide me and I would have really loved to have gone to America for a few months - perhaps I need to get really fat, give up my jobs and house and then get Bio to film me

But the only way to get stuff for free is to do a tv programme and, unfortunately, people doing as they're told doesn't make good tv. :-(

[tenorlady]

Originally Posted by Loopzilla

PART FOUR

Spoiler

BOAK! Emma inadvertently flashed her tummy apron as she didn't realise she'd picked too much of her toga up. But thank God it's a big tummy roll cos it covered her va-jay-jay

Phil's worrying about about his op. I can't make fun of that because I'd be exactly the same. He's never had an op before, neither have I. It's a worry. Doesn't matter how minor the surgery is, its the anaesthetic that worries me. I had gas in the school dentist when I was six and it freaked me out for life.

ChawnerLogic alert
PHIL: Being a lorry driver doing nights. Probably why I put the weight on.
DAN: But you were a lorry drive 13 years ago. So you've had 13 years to lose more weight.
PHIL: Yeah, but, trouble is, not being able to work I put the weight back on.

Talking in circles. That winds me up. Ha ha haaaa! Ha haaa. Phil and his morbid fascination talking about his pacemaker. "You gotta have it taken out when you die, cos when they burn the coffin it explodes!"

That's ace, that's a snippet of useless information that I KNOW I'm going to regurgitate on a pub night out.

Uh-oh! Kelvin Mackenzie! I don't particularly like journalists, but on the subject of the chawns, he's bang on the money. View hate him. Emma's blue eyeshadow is something else! He's pulling Audrey up on gaining weight even with all the help, Kelvin's in stitches. LOL! Phil's turn to divulge the weightloss. Phil's put his maudlin face on and, probably in an attempt to gain Kelvin's sympathy, he's telling him about his pacemaker. Quick as a flash Kelvin asks "How much does a pacemaker weigh then?" LOL!

They're adamant that they're going to continue healthy living after the cameras have gone. Well, we all know that's a lie. Oh no! Kelvin's compared Emma's 4lb loss to Sam's 25lb loss. Don't make her angry, you won't like it when she's angry "HULK SMASH!"

Oops, its the "W" word. He's very nice with Audrey. He's trying to convince Phil that a pacemaker will make him better and well enough to work. Phil's just going on about charity work. That really pee's me off! I donate enough money to charity, so I don't want my NI contributions going to pay for a workshy bag of nonsense like Phil to do charity work. Most of us do charity work on our days off. The only reason he does charity work is because he's not under contract to do more than he fancies doing. GET A JOB!

Sam n Em are explaining to Kelvin they're not working because the stoopid job he put them onto, the website crashed while they were filling the online form in. What happened is that they fannied around so long the session expired. It was only Asda down the road they could have gone to the job centre and got an application form. Kelvin's now explaining to Emma that if she wants to study childcare (this is a new career path?) she can get a day job and study at night in night school. Emma's face was a picture! Half disgust and half disbelief that people really worked AND studied at the same time.

"I don't like being told what to do". And there's the crux, she doesn't like authority. And yet she responded quite well to the cadets, a mystery. Kelvin's called them intelligent. What?! Mind you, they've worked out how to get paid for doing stuff-all......I haven't worked that out yet.

All the experts are doing a piece to camera about ungrateful and useless they are. So that's all the experts, Lorraine, Dan, me, all of you, the ex-magistrate across the road and Bristol who think they're a bunch of cheeky, noisy, lazy, useless bludgers. But of course, its not their fault.

Ugh! Now Phil is lying on Sam's bed in between Sam n Em. With his purple shirt it looks like a beetroot butty. Too close for comfort that.

CHAWNERS LAST CHANCE NEXT WEEK

Best review EVER! Fabulously funny.

[mrs.deschanel]

Spoiler

They admitted they got paid for the magazine articles. I think my theory of why Emma doesn't sign on is right - the cheques for the articles go to her so she has an income. Philth flashing his knicks made some sick come out

I'm loving HULK SMASH!!!

[tally]

Originally Posted by Loopzilla

PART THREE

Spoiler

It's the final meeting with LK. Still she doesn't feel safe enough to breathe the fumes of chawner towers so they're in a hotel. LK's quizzing Sam on the boyfriend and how she SHOULD leave home. Phil's face is like a bag of spanners, ha ha! The big moon face!

Audrey's fallen asleep again. She needs a blood test or something. Weight results. Sam's lost 1st11. Emma lost 4lbs....is that in 6 months? Jeez, I lose more than that after a curry. Phil's lost 1st4. Audrey's gained 3lbs. But, she's wearing her teeth, so they might weigh extra. "I've eaten plenty of fruit (trifle) plenty of veg (chips)"

Emma's shouting at her mum to try harder. Oh yes, 4lbs off in 6 months, you can't talk!

Oh God, no, its the Roman banquet photo shoot! I must admit, I'd find it real hard not to eat any of those cream cakes and chocolate fountains. Here we go, Audrey wants to move to Emmerdale because "they have families moving in and out all the time". Priceless!

Aaaargh! Phil's flashed his black undercrackers and knocked me sick"

OH NO, HUBBY HOME. WILL RESUME WHEN HE'S CLEARED OFF ON HIS LADS NIGHT OUT

LOL @ the last bit. The beauty of living on your own!

Loopy your updates are really great, you've got a knack of summing them up and I'm alternately laughing or getting as mad as hell. He has to be the vilest, most repulsive specimen of the male race ever. I wont call him a Father, he hasn't done a thing to deserve that. Oh how I wish those girls had been removed from their toxic father years ago. They dont stand a chance, ever. Poor cows.

[Loopzilla]

Originally Posted by tally

LOL @ the last bit. The beauty of living on your own!

Loopy your updates are really great, you've got a knack of summing them up and I'm alternately laughing or getting as mad as hell. He has to be the vilest, most repulsive specimen of the male race ever. I wont call him a Father, he hasn't done a thing to deserve that. Oh how I wish those girls had been removed from their toxic father years ago. They dont stand a chance, ever. Poor cows.

It was a slow work day, Monday will be busy so you may only get a haiku instead of a review.

Phil is vile, they need a proper family counsellor forever. I could never be a counsellor, my suicide rate would be through the roof. Not the most sympathetic person.

I would say that THE most disturbing moment of today's episode was Phil n Emma making sex noises pretending to be Sam and her boyfriend on the chatroom. It was horrible. What father and daughter would do that?! ~shudder~

[loopylass1977]

Emma's got even less chance cos she sleeps in the same room as her parents.

I must admit, having to share a room with parents above the age of five would force me to seek alternative accommodation.[/quote]

in the style of john mcenroe "you cannot be serious!!!!"
tell me this is not true, seriously - it cant be!!!!!

[Simi89]

Loopzilla your reviews are hilarious!

[Mehitabel]

Originally Posted by loopylass1977

Emma's got even less chance cos she sleeps in the same room as her parents.

I must admit, having to share a room with parents above the age of five would force me to seek alternative accommodation.

in the style of john mcenroe "you cannot be serious!!!!"
tell me this is not true, seriously - it cant be!!!!![/quote]

Seriously. Sam's bedroom is so small that a double bed barely fits in there. Emma appears to sleep on a fold-away in the same bedroom as her parents. Combine this with the various inappropriate episodes (that we've seen) between Emma and Phil, and one has to wonder what all goes on in the room that Aud either sleeps through or chooses to be oblivious of.

[kiviraat]

Loving the reviews! Although tonight's episode actually made my partner burst out crying because it was unbelievable how similar Phil's manipulation and denial was to their own fathers'. Sick, sick man. You can show your fears for your daughter's safety in other ways! Anyway how is he any different?! He met Aud through the Lonely Hearts didn't he???

ANYWAY! Something to cheer you all up! One of the cats I am looking after was really interested in Audrey and Phil tonight Good job he's deaf or he'd have had a shock when they start screeching!

Here he is! He's such a fan!

[tonywilson]

Originally Posted by kiviraat

ANYWAY! Something to cheer you all up! One of the cats I am looking after was really interested in Audrey and Phil tonight

I think your cat seems worried that Audrey might eat him.

[Loopzilla]

Originally Posted by kiviraat

ANYWAY! Something to cheer you all up! One of the cats I am looking after was really interested in Audrey and Phil tonight Good job he's deaf or he'd have had a shock when they start screeching!

Here he is! He's such a fan!

He's thinking "And this is exactly why we must overthrow the humans!"