[ninecrimes]

I am in a situation where I am so unhappy in my marriage and i know i am making my wife unhappy.

Much as i hate the cliche of the situation I am in love with someone else and feel that its not fair on anyone anymore ( and before you say it yes i know I havent been fair already)
to stay in the marriage. I have tried to make it work for the sake of my children but i know i am just making everyone miserable.

But what is the best way to make this as painless as possible for my wife. Should i tell her the truth that there is somebody else (and has been for a long time), should i tell her a half truth and say that i am so unhappy and that i think i am in love withsomeone else. or should i just say weve grown apart and are both unhappy and that its better is we try a trial seperation.

I am not after the easiest thing for me but the easiest or my wife's feelings- yes i know i am a hypocrite and what ever flamings there are will be nothing compared to what i have said to myself

thanks in advance

[Hobbit Feet]

Tell her the truth

Anything else will come back to haunt you.

[Bettykitten]

I'm not going to pass judgement, it's going to hurt her very much however it is said. But from experience, there is nothing worse than being told "we've just grown apart, there's no-one else", only to find there is and there has been all along.

[AnnaliseZ]

Tell her you've met someone else. If you lie and pretend to just get together with that person after you've split up she'll know. The kindest thing you can do in this situation is to be honest and to the point.

[1fab]

From a married woman's point of view, I would want to know the truth straightaway. Yes, it would be devastating, but being told half-truths would just add anger to the misery, which wouldn't be good for anyone.

[merroney]

Be truthful. It will hurt her like hell but better that now than her finding out later. She would then be even more angry and upset and it will make the whole divorce thing more traumatic. It's bad enough as it is! The other thing is that if you aren't truthful and go for a "trial separation" she may well expect it to be just that, that you try to work things out and she gets her hopes up.

Honesty is the best policy and will enable you both to work out the best thing for your children despite the situation.
Good luck

[Impinger]

Originally Posted by ninecrimes

I am in a situation where I am so unhappy in my marriage and i know i am making my wife unhappy.

Just tell her you're off. Sounds like it might be the best thing she's heard from you in a long time.

[LaceyLouelle3]

I wouldn't bother mentioning a trial separation. If you've found someone else and want to be with them, then just tell the truth.

[tenorlady]

Tell her, she's probably 99% sure you are in love with someone else anyway.

Let her go, pursue your own dreams and allow her the freedom to pursue hers.

[RAINBOWGIRL22]

The truth, the full truth and nothing but the truth - as painful as it will be for her to hear she needs to know.

[Its-Gillian]

The least you can do is be honest with her. She must deserve that! If you lie and she finds out, which these things have a habit of coming out, it will only further hurt her.

[grps3]

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

Homer J Simpson

[woodbush]

Going by your previous posts it will come as no surprise to her.

Possibly not the affair but the fact that your marriage is over. Just tell the truth and leave.

[Handers]

I have a different thought - I wouldn't mention it outright about someone else. I just think that could possibly distract from the reasons the marriage isn't working. It's likely you found someone else because the marriage wasn't right, but people will often assume it's due to the other person things aren't going well. When the blame shifts to the third party, it means the 'innocent' one in the marriage can place all the blame there for why it didn't work and not take personal accountability for where he / she maybe was failing as a partner. Really don't think she will benefit from knowing anyway, the crux is not the third person, it's that the two of you no longer function as a couple. That you found someone else is just symptomatic of the problems in the relationship.

[Noisy Oyster]

The minimum your wife deserves is total honesty. Anything else would be done just to make yourself feel better or look better to other people.

[maidinscotland]

Tell her the truth, suggesting a trial separation would just give false hope and that would be cruel. I hope you are 100% sure that you are in love with this other person and not just in lust. Once you are officially with this other person and doing all the domestic things with her then it might not seem as exciting any more. Also, you will be financially worse off as you will need to pay maintenance to your children and your wife so this will also have a detrimental impact on your new relationship..........just saying.

[Granny Weatherwax]

I agree with everyone else here, there is an old saying something along the lines of the truth will cut you once, a lie a thousand times.

Be open and honest with your wife, don't give her any false hope. Its not going to be easy for you but it sure as hell isn't going to be easy for her or your children either.

From personal experience, I would have made my life so much easier if my ex had had the balls to be honest with me.

[academia]

And try not to give her the noble act - I'm making everyone miserable, it's better for all of you that I leave. That might actually drive her to humiliating herself by trying to find ways of making life better for you.
You're doing this for you, not your children, not your wife. Be honest about that. Allow her her anger (or possibly relief?) - she's entitled. The same goes for your children.. They will, I presume, be staying with their Mum - so don't blame their mother for anything for fear that in their anger they turn on her. You'll only make things worse for them if you do.

[classixuk]

deleted

[orange1234]

The most equitable thing would be, if you left your girl friend, so when you leave your wife you are in the same boat!

You should have talked about your marriage to your wife long ago. Then, you could have either changed it, or if you decided to part, then it would not have been by betrayal.

This won't likely be the first time you will be in this position. Maybe next time, you will be dumped because she has found someone else. How would you like to be told ? How do you think you will feel? Start from there when you are telling your wife.

[Cellar_Door]

I don't know what you expect people to say, I think you know yourself what you need to do. Be blatantly honest, don't feed her any BS eh 'it's not you it's me', make adequate financial provisions for your kids, not a measly 20 quid when you feel like it, don't introduce your kids to the new woman (I'm presuming it's a woman), and finally don't make her promises you have no intention of keeping to make your life any easier.

[gulliverfoyle]

welcome to dumpsville population you

[fizzycat]

Tell her the truth. It's time you started to be honest with her instead of taking the easy way out.

Why are you so bothered now about how much you'll hurt her - is it so you can feel a bit less guilty?

[TheSword]

Why the need to say anything? Just say, I'm leaving, no need to elaborate.

Less said soonest mended.

[TWS]

well i knew when my partner had been seeing someone else and let the relationship carry on and make us miserable for the kids but when he did leave what hurt the most was not him leaving but him lying to my face when i finally asked him about her, that is what i will never get over or forgive him for, as i knew exactly who he was seeing he denied it then two months later he is miraculously in a relationship with her

It was totally disrespectful and treated me like i was stupid, your wife deserves better than to feel that way i am sure