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Liz Jones - YOU magazine (Part 4)


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Old 06-02-2013, 06:14
morecowbell
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IN WHICH I OUT THE RS

I value my privacy as if it were platinum. (Conversely, other people's privacy is like Elizabeth Duke jewellery and can treated like an Argos catalogue.) But I have kept you all on tenterhooked eggshells long enough. Everywhere I go I hear people whispering. And sometimes I hear the words "should be in put in the stocks" but perhaps they are saying "should be in cashmere socks". My hearing is bad, you know.

Anyway, all my family died. And my horse got laryngitis. I was all alone, feeding Harrods prime pilchards to Mini Poopy, Mickey and Flange, my new stray sheep, when I heard the impatient purring of His Maserati.

OH FCK I thought. WHY ME WHY NOW. "Darling girl," he said piggily, in his delightful Highland brogue, "I've had enough of this cloak and dagger business, I'm going to out myself. I'm going to tell the world how proud I am to be at your borderline-anorexic side". Twenty five years ago I would have swooned at such words. I flicked a pilchard head off the Egyptian cotton sheets.

Oh fcuk it, I thought. I'm going to have to come clean. OK. He's the lead singer in Black Lace. Happy now?
" I flicked a pilchard head off the Egyptian cotton sheets" Absolutely BRILLIANT!
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Old 06-02-2013, 11:02
sunstone
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Thanks for the laughs folks,some great posts in the last couple of days.Well done.
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Old 06-02-2013, 11:59
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Love the spoof diary entries on here! (Though I confess, it was hard to tell if they were real or not!)
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Old 06-02-2013, 13:15
Scarlett O Hara
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Thanks for the laughs folks,some great posts in the last couple of days.Well done.
Agreed. This thread is comedy gold.

I suppose at least Liz Jones is good for taking the mickey out of, if nothing else. Better than the alternative, which is to rock back and forth while crying in despair that people like her exist.
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Old 06-02-2013, 20:19
BellaFiga
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IN WHICH I GIVE UP ON THE IDEA

I had a period in 1976. I was so utterly horrified by this that I had my breasts cut off. Due to that and eating only small pieces of dill and drinking Illy coffee for the last 30 odd years, it is possible that I may be slightly less than fertile.

I have harvested the swimmers of every alpha male in my radius, sometimes going to the extreme measure of removing the sperm from their wife's vagina. All to no avail. My fashionably thin uterus remains empty.

Of course I would have been a wonderful mother. Just look at how good I am with animals! I would have given my babies holistic alpine milk and got the vet in when they had footrot from sleeping in a wet barn.

It was never to be. Instead, all these drippingly fertile airheads sprog aggressively in my face and then ASK FOR MATERNITY LEAVE. WHY? WHY? Do they not know that having a job in the media takes priority over that THING IN THE COT.

I have had to work nineteen times harder than anyone ever, because of these women and their splurging uteruses.

If it had been me I'd be like that woman in Strasbourg, lovingly cradling my vegan offspring in the front row of Versace, if I wasn't banned for life.
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Old 07-02-2013, 10:15
Becky Sharpe
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Mommie Dearest Sibary has been at it again - in supporting the 'right' to smack one's offspring. .Here's her eldest daughter's response.
Anyhow, I reckon by the time I become an adult, smacking will have been completely wiped out and made illegal.
^*cough* 'reasonable* force' cough*. [Observation: Strangely, LJ tends to leave the general topic of cruelty to children well alone
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Old 07-02-2013, 14:32
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Mommie Dearest Sibary has been at it again - in supporting the 'right' to smack one's offspring. .Here's her eldest daughter's response.

^*cough* 'reasonable* force' cough*. [Observation: Strangely, LJ tends to leave the general topic of cruelty to children well alone
...she's too busy documenting her cruelty to animals
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Old 07-02-2013, 14:52
coldcomfort
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...she's too busy documenting her cruelty to animals
Absolutely! LJ wouldn't have to smack a child anyway; one glance from her and they'd turn to stone.
I read both Sibary's and Flo's articles and Sly and the Family Stone's hit, 'It's a Family Affair' sprang to mind. If the whole family start writing farticles, the kids' school fees will soon be sorted. Next up could be Keith's 'Me and my G & T', or Monty writing about being bullied because his collective names sound like a preparation for piles or coughs. Whatever gets them through the night.
I found that the best way to get my teens through their 'difficult' years was to get off their case over trivial matters. When my youngest daughter was 13/14 and piled on the slap to go out with her mates, I told her she looked lovely. She soon toned it right down and, Hey Presto, no confrontations.
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Old 07-02-2013, 16:16
Fatsia
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Absolutely! LJ wouldn't have to smack a child anyway; one glance from her and they'd turn to stone.
I read both Sibary's and Flo's articles and Sly and the Family Stone's hit, 'It's a Family Affair' sprang to mind. If the whole family start writing farticles, the kids' school fees will soon be sorted. Next up could be Keith's 'Me and my G & T', or Monty writing about being bullied because his collective names sound like a preparation for piles or coughs. Whatever gets them through the night.
I found that the best way to get my teens through their 'difficult' years was to get off their case over trivial matters. When my youngest daughter was 13/14 and piled on the slap to go out with her mates, I told her she looked lovely. She soon toned it right down and, Hey Presto, no confrontations.
Haha! My mum did a similar trick, and would compliment me on my look so profusely that I would go and change it on principle - it must look AWFUL if my Mum liked it! My own daughter is 11 so I must remember that strategy...

Love the thought of a 14 year old using some of those stock DM phrases though, the only thing missing from "chasing me round our house in Hampshire with a wooden spoon" line is the value of the house!
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Old 08-02-2013, 08:58
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Does that article read like it was written by a 14-year-old ? I think not...
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Old 08-02-2013, 10:08
sunstone
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Does that article read like it was written by a 14-year-old ? I think not...
Not in any way was that written by a teen.
Mommie dearest probably bribed her with a trip to meet Jonesie for fashion tips and pruning advice if she agreed to put her name to it.
Numbnuts Sibary makes it quite clear she is jealous of her child.Thank the heavens LJ failed in the sperm stealing eh?

ETA Fatsia ,I bet they were desperate to say "700K home" or whatever .but then a 14yr old wouldn't say that...unlike the rest of the tosh
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Old 08-02-2013, 14:10
BellaFiga
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Without getting into a big old debate about smacking, I really do not know how a grown, and apparently intelligent, adult can justify hitting a child.

If you subsitute the word "wife" for child, see how it reads.


At that moment, what my ranting, rude and hormonal wife needed was a short, sharp reminder that shed overstepped the boundaries.


There have also, Ill admit, been a few times when I have smacked simply because Ive lost control. Im not proud of those moments although they have, at least, demonstrated to my wife that I can be pushed only so far.


I am, after all, only human and if someone screams at the top of their lungs how much they despise me, while simultaneously kicking their bedroom door, I will eventually snap. I think that is a valuable lesson for the wife to learn.

Some may say, ah but they are children, and need to be shown who is boss. If you cannot assert authority without thwacking a minor, you are in serious trouble.
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Old 08-02-2013, 17:36
coldcomfort
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Not in any way was that written by a teen.
Mommie dearest probably bribed her with a trip to meet Jonesie for fashion tips and pruning advice if she agreed to put her name to it.
Numbnuts Sibary makes it quite clear she is jealous of her child.Thank the heavens LJ failed in the sperm stealing eh?

ETA Fatsia ,I bet they were desperate to say "700K home" or whatever .but then a 14yr old wouldn't say that...unlike the rest of the tosh
Lol, sunstone. The piece by Flo was obviously a collaboration between Mommie and herself. Sibary's hardly going to let her write something independently if she snoops through her Facebook witterings. I wonder if the English teacher at Flo's private school is wondering why her essays don't quite match up 'her' piece in the DM? I'm being picky now, but I noticed some bits of bread crumbs or something under the ornate chest in their room. Shows how riveting the article was.
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Old 08-02-2013, 20:11
cathrin
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Without getting into a big old debate about smacking, I really do not know how a grown, and apparently intelligent, adult can justify hitting a child.

If you subsitute the word "wife" for child, see how it reads.


At that moment, what my ranting, rude and hormonal wife needed was a short, sharp reminder that shed overstepped the boundaries.


There have also, Ill admit, been a few times when I have smacked simply because Ive lost control. Im not proud of those moments although they have, at least, demonstrated to my wife that I can be pushed only so far.


I am, after all, only human and if someone screams at the top of their lungs how much they despise me, while simultaneously kicking their bedroom door, I will eventually snap. I think that is a valuable lesson for the wife to learn.

Some may say, ah but they are children, and need to be shown who is boss. If you cannot assert authority without thwacking a minor, you are in serious trouble.
Well said, BellaFiga. A very good illustration of just what's wrong with that DM writer's argument. (When I first read the article, I found myself doing a similar substitution exercise to the above, but this time swapping all the respectable middle-class references for something more downmarket (Imagine all that slamming around and hitting was going on in a run-down council flat instead of a leafy Hampstead house, and Mummy's wine and Daddy's G & T etc became lager and cider, etc. Suddenly it doesn't look quite so cosy and respectable!)

There was something really creepy about the mother's perverse pride in what she's breezily admitting to. Like Liz, the writer showed a breathtaking lack of insight and intelligent analysis, yet still seemed to think she is somehow in a position to pontificate to the rest of us. It always takes my breath away when people trot out the old "My parents hit me as a child and it never did me any harm" cliche while in the same breath proudly admitting they hit their kids, which is clear proof of the harm it has done. Like I said, the lack of insight is staggering. I'm very glad I don't live in that scary, volatile, melodramatic household.

Smacking kids certainly does teach some lessons, but they're extremely dangerous and unhealthy ones, and they all add up to a training ground for domestic violence in adulthood. A child who regularly gets hit by his/her parent is learning that (1) It's OK for violence to be an intrinsic part of domestic life,(2) It's OK to hit someone you love, and (3) It's OK to be hit by someone who loves you. So, an impressionable youngster becomes acclimatised to living within that pattern--the stronger person lashing out, then gently explaining how "you brought it on yourself by your bad behaviour." Consequently, they fail to develop that knee-jerk "Whoah! I'm not putting up with being hit, I'm outta here" mentality that should be built-in as self-protection, and instead they develop a tolerance and acceptance of violence that all too often conditions them to either hit their partner or be hit themselves. Its what they've always lived with, after all....("Hey, it's what families do, isn't it?")

My blood always runs cold whenever I hear parents describing the "loving" lecture they give, post-smacking, to explain to their kids why they got hit (aka "justify the unjustifiable"). As BellaFiga eloquently points out, this is exactly the same trick that is used by domestic abusers to "train" their victims into modifying their behaviour, so they don't "provoke" another slap.

Shame on the DM, not just for this article but also the follow-up. At only 14, that poor girl absolutely shouldn't be used in this way. And who's getting the fee for a full-page piece in the paper, I wonder?
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Old 09-02-2013, 00:39
BellaFiga
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<applauds>

Excellent post.
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Old 09-02-2013, 14:06
happydisaster
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Thank God she didn't end up pregnant.
Imagine explaining to her offspring where they came from! Using a sperm donor is one thing but stealing undonated sperm ...... *mind boggles*
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Old 09-02-2013, 14:11
happydisaster
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Mommie Dearest Sibary has been at it again - in supporting the 'right' to smack one's offspring. .Here's her eldest daughter's response.

^*cough* 'reasonable* force' cough*. [Observation: Strangely, LJ tends to leave the general topic of cruelty to children well alone
Shona Sibary and any other person should be banned from pimping their own children for column mileage IMO there needs to be legislation on using a minor's REAL name complete with photos. Sibary sinks lower than Jones in this aspect. At least Jones only bangs on about herself, Nirps (who let's face it was only in it for the publicity), and animals. Thank god she doesn't have children or it'd be all about their designer clothes and taking them to the anorexia clinic -but- she doesn't. And that makes Sibary worse.. simply reprehensible. Why does the Editor not step in? And in the absence of editorial ethics, her husband???
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Old 09-02-2013, 21:59
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Maybe the mascara the daughter was going to wear wasn't Dior or Chanel but some cheap common brand that girls going to a common school would steal from the local branded chemist shop and mommy didn't approve?

I'm all for a short, sharp slap on the back of the legs when kiddies are little to shock them into realising they were bad/ wrong when all else has failed. (running into the road is a prime example).

I remember having a slap on my legs when I was about 5, I'd written my name on the newly decorated hall in crayon and wouldn't admit it. (even though my hands were COVERED in crayon). We were poor and so wouldn't have been able to afford a new pot of paint to paint over it for at least a couple of months so my mum slapped me. Once. And I was good as gold from that day forth because I was so upset that my mum was so upset and never wanted to see her like that again. (and I remember my mum crying at it all) but slapping your 14 yr old is just plain "I can't control her so I'll just slap her". Way to go mum.

Saying that though, when my brother was 18 he was standing behind my mum shouting abuse at her and poking her in the back. Unfortunately for him she was frying sausages at the time and he got whacked in the head with a frying pan containing said sausages for being an utter git.

Mind you the sausages weren't organic or sourced from the local butcher and the frying pan may of come from Kays Catalogue and wasn't handmade from a single piece of cast iron derived from Peru or somewhere exotic sounding.

So what do I know! I'm not posh enough me
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Old 10-02-2013, 14:43
mivvykins
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There's an interesting interview posted a couple of months ago on Youtube I've just watched where Liz meets someone from Mumsnet at a Blogfest.
Interview here: http://youtu.be/NM6ZMcUkXhk

During the clip Liz says she has a nervous breakdown every time she presses the 'send' button to file her copy, but also adds she would NOT do it all again. Strangely enough, her Essex accents comes through, whereas on the This Morning interview she must have reined in the accent a lot.
So why does she continue to talk about her ex, her family, the RS etc despite being on record as saying she wouldn't do it all again?
Someone wrote in the comments section a couple of weeks ago (it was published but then withdrawn strangely enough) that any article written 'by Liz Jones' is written by her, but anything titled 'by Liz Jones Diary' or 'by Liz Jones Column' is written by someone else at the DM.

That explains inconsistencies week in week out, but also makes me wonder if Liz has sold her soul to the DM for a ghost writer to come up with utter tosh in her name just to 'draw the crowds' and get those all important clicks on the page?

Loving the spoof diary entries, just fabulous!!!
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Old 10-02-2013, 16:03
Fatsia
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Shona Sibary and any other person should be banned from pimping their own children for column mileage IMO there needs to be legislation on using a minor's REAL name complete with photos. Sibary sinks lower than Jones in this aspect. At least Jones only bangs on about herself, Nirps (who let's face it was only in it for the publicity), and animals. Thank god she doesn't have children or it'd be all about their designer clothes and taking them to the anorexia clinic -but- she doesn't. And that makes Sibary worse.. simply reprehensible. Why does the Editor not step in? And in the absence of editorial ethics, her husband???
She doesn't just bang on about herself, Nirps and animals though, although I take your point about it being a blessing she has no feral children to pimp out. But caught in her crosshairs before have been her sisters, her mum and dad, the gardener, the locals in Dulverton, India Knight, her ex-friend who married IK, the friends who had the audacity to cook bacon the same day they'd invited her for dinner, Kirsty Allsopp, the awful White British Men who have the misfortune to deliver to her house, the police who insultingly fail to salute her, kind strangers who carry her bags then dump them somewhere convenient........ There are lots lots lots more - basically everybody she has ever had any contact with
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Old 10-02-2013, 18:11
cathrin
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Today's MoS column reads like the ramblings of someone who doesn't realise anyone's listening! Don't they have editors to read through copy and say "Umm, this really doesn't make any sense, and even if it did, it's not appropriate to use a column for personal grievance-airing and general ranting about everyone you've ever fallen out with!" The paragraph about her sister(s) is breathtakingly weird and bitter:

Its a sometimes difficult way to live your life devoid of real human contact or commitment, but it avoids those crashing moments of revelation when the blood in your veins turns to ice like the time when youre on the phone to your lawyer, the lovely lady who handled your divorce, and she tells you, after trying to resolve a quarrel between you and your sister that ended in you giving her a house: Dont trust your other sister, either. When I was on the phone negotiating, I could hear her talking in the background, betraying you.



Can you believe this? It's staggering to think that (a) she wrote this for her column and (b) it was passed by her editor as suitable for publication. The preceding bit, outlining her various earnings over several years, is really odd, too, as is her cast-iron certainty that HER distorted and twisted experience of family relationships is entirely typical. (Families are toxic, apparently. All of them.)

Are we all supposed to nod sympathetically in recognition of this situation, perhaps ruefully remembering the time when we, too, bought our sister a house and then engaged in a bizarre conversation with a lovely lawyer who warned us that she'd overheard our other sister in the background, betraying us? Who could fail to identify with such a scenario? We've all been there, after all...

ETA: The Diary is equally weird. All that stuff about her ex husband and the journalist wanting to spend a year with her....What???? And I do wish she'd look up the phrase "passive-aggressive" and find out what it actually means. Or more importantly, what it doesn't mean.
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Old 10-02-2013, 19:02
astor
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Today's MoS column reads like the ramblings of someone who doesn't realise anyone's listening! Don't they have editors to read through copy and say "Umm, this really doesn't make any sense, and even if it did, it's not appropriate to use a column for personal grievance-airing and general ranting about everyone you've ever fallen out with!" The paragraph about her sister(s) is breathtakingly weird and bitter:

Its a sometimes difficult way to live your life devoid of real human contact or commitment, but it avoids those crashing moments of revelation when the blood in your veins turns to ice like the time when youre on the phone to your lawyer, the lovely lady who handled your divorce, and she tells you, after trying to resolve a quarrel between you and your sister that ended in you giving her a house: Dont trust your other sister, either. When I was on the phone negotiating, I could hear her talking in the background, betraying you.



Can you believe this? It's staggering to think that (a) she wrote this for her column and (b) it was passed by her editor as suitable for publication. The preceding bit, outlining her various earnings over several years, is really odd, too, as is her cast-iron certainty that HER distorted and twisted experience of family relationships is entirely typical. (Families are toxic, apparently. All of them.)

Are we all supposed to nod sympathetically in recognition of this situation, perhaps ruefully remembering the time when we, too, bought our sister a house and then engaged in a bizarre conversation with a lovely lawyer who warned us that she'd overheard our other sister in the background, betraying us? Who could fail to identify with such a scenario? We've all been there, after all...

ETA: The Diary is equally weird. All that stuff about her ex husband and the journalist wanting to spend a year with her....What???? And I do wish she'd look up the phrase "passive-aggressive" and find out what it actually means. Or more importantly, what it doesn't mean.
I'm not sure what those who continue to read & commentate negatively about Liz Jones feel that the role of a columnist actually is.
I've always assumed there will be massive amounts of exaggeration , hugely provocative commentary and a very large amount of egotism involved.

Her diary is what it is. Provocative, egotistical, sometimes cringeworthy, often cruel, sad from time to time, funny (yes,funny!) other times, maybe not always consistent , often verging on the absurd, sometimes beautifully expressed and other times a mish mash.
She still attracts a huge readership and loads of commentary so presumably is worth her continued employment and whatever fine salary the Mail chose to pay her.
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Old 10-02-2013, 19:33
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I'm not sure what those who continue to read & commentate negatively about Liz Jones feel that the role of a columnist actually is.
I've always assumed there will be massive amounts of exaggeration , hugely provocative commentary and a very large amount of egotism involved.

Her diary is what it is. Provocative, egotistical, sometimes cringeworthy, often cruel, sad from time to time, funny (yes,funny!) other times, maybe not always consistent , often verging on the absurd, sometimes beautifully expressed and other times a mish mash.
She still attracts a huge readership and loads of commentary so presumably is worth her continued employment and whatever fine salary the Mail chose to pay her.

I'd say the role of a columnist is to comment, not write constant whinges about themselves, family, friends, exes, fictional rock star b/f's etc.......it turns into a selfish me,me,me fest. If she wants friends and family to contact her, she should stop writing negative things about them, then she might actually get paid a visit. She needs to stop the sideswipes at people like Kirstie Allsopp - again, jealousy creeping in there, and perhaps take some notice and learn from these courses of therapy the Wail seem to send her on every few months.

Also as we know, Liz hates (is jealous of) anyone who's had children or had any connection whatsoever with a man, even if they've just brushed up against one another on the Tube. She'd give her right arm to be a 50's housewife with a porridgy tummy and some ferals crawling round her ankles.

She's not 'funny' either - only funny in the peculiar sense.
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Old 10-02-2013, 20:05
astor
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I'd say the role of a columnist is to comment, not write constant whinges about themselves, family, friends, exes, fictional rock star b/f's etc.......it turns into a selfish me,me,me fest. If she wants friends and family to contact her, she should stop writing negative things about them, then she might actually get paid a visit. She needs to stop the sideswipes at people like Kirstie Allsopp - again, jealousy creeping in there, and perhaps take some notice and learn from these courses of therapy the Wail seem to send her on every few months.

Also as we know, Liz hates (is jealous of) anyone who's had children or had any connection whatsoever with a man, even if they've just brushed up against one another on the Tube. She'd give her right arm to be a 50's housewife with a porridgy tummy and some ferals crawling round her ankles.

She's not 'funny' either - only funny in the peculiar sense.
Fair play. But I have to laugh here. You profess to really not liking Ms Jones but here you are on a Sunday night reading and commentating about her. And that is why she is worth so much money.
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Old 11-02-2013, 00:11
Saltydog1955
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Fair play. But I have to laugh here. You profess to really not liking Ms Jones but here you are on a Sunday night reading and commentating about her. And that is why she is worth so much money.
Nobody says I, or anyone else has to LIKE her to read her columns. You can still dislike her to read and comment about her.

This is the usual defence of Liz Lovers. ''If yer don't like it, don't read it''. Speaking of her being worth 'so much money' she's not worth that much anyway, that's why she moved from Somerset because she was BROKE and is now living in Yorkshire in a rented house.

Perhaps if she sold or homed some of the animals she professes to 'love' she'd have more cash. I don't think she loves her animals that much, otherwise she wouldn't keep them alive when they're on their last legs like she did last year with Squeaky the cat, and from last week's episode she'd notice when her horse 'suddenly' started getting thin, only to discover it might have liver failure.

Funny how she's forgotten about that in this week's Dreary isn't it?
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