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Liz Jones - YOU magazine (Part 4)


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Old 19-02-2013, 10:51
fitnessqueen
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IN WHICH I TRY TO LET SOMEONE TOUCH MY ETIOLATED BODY

Last week I was down in London having "everything" waxed and my roots replastered and my face filled in with the placentas of unwanted babies. I always go to the same place - Minges of Sloane Square - because they know that I do not like to be touched.

When they are waxing my lower downstairs front section they use those things immigrant workers pick up rubbish with in the park. When they are filling my stress lines they use a syringe longer than Nirps's unwashed willy. Just being touched makes me feel nauseous and, given that I haven't eaten since 1993 and that was unintentional, I'm sure you'll empathise.

How, I hear you cry, how do I manage intimacy with my Rock God? Well - he told me not to tell you this but my word count is in peril - he hasn't actually had a hard on since before the Falklands War. He likes to cuddle and I lay glassy eyed until he snores and then I slither away, and wipe myself all over with organic lemon baby wipes. Made with real organic lemon babies.
Now THAT is funny
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Old 19-02-2013, 17:55
CollieComber
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Thanks for this happydisaster. It is somehow comforting to know she really is very unpleasant and mad as a sack of badgers. Most of the people I know who despise her detest her treating animals as playthings and people as column-fodder. Nothing would make me happier than to hear she has retired and/or sought help. She obviously needs it.

Sorry to jump in your debate with another FM but I thought my own stance on this very subject might be of interest. When I first started reading Jones it was because a friend who used to be a journalist pointed me to her 'wedding planner' column. She told me she knew Jones and the prospective bloke and the whole thing was fake. It actually wasn't fake. That was just what some people who knew them both assumed because they were so mis-matched and Jones was such a weird cold fish, people thought it was a publicity stunt. It honestly wasn't.

But the wedding planner was a surefire diary of insanity and delusion... every week it seemed less likely any wedding would take place. The more it became clear their relationship was utterly abnormal and dysfunctional, the more pompous and narcissistic and controlling and ridiculous Jones got.

I read for a while the garbage about her 'marriage' which was not a marriage in any context or meaning of the word. Then I dropped reading it altogether as I completely lost interest....

Since the DM is free online I read her Dreary. I wasn't going to be one of those people who comment to say she nuts and point out the discrepancies as I felt why make any comment. Then I realised that there are some fake posters every week who write 'you're so funny, self-deprecating, witty, why don't you write a book / write your column every day / make a film'. Clearly those people are Jones or her agent. Clearly she spouts so many lies that the odd newcomer to the column, ie americans, believe in her lies and it has been known for swathes of lil ole ladies to send her money for her animals in the past. So I feel it necessary to write one post a week saying this woman is mentally ill, her drivel should not be published, etc. Especially when she purports to be dying of anorexia in one breath whilst clearly chunky in recent photos on the exact same site during the same week. Or when people say poor Liz has Aspergers, she doesn't. She absolutely 100% has Narcissistic Personality Disorder which naturally veers into psychosis every now and then. That is actually pretty damn serious. This woman isn't laughing at the readers, she isn't a con, she actually really is the person she portrays. She is off the scale insane. People who have known her in real life can vouch for this. It's not an act.

In that vein I did write to the Editor querying quite how a person of such massive mental illness for such sustained period of time should or could be encouraged let alone facilitated to be printed. I did the same when David Icke was sectioned under the mental health act and yet appeared on several chat shows. Ditto that boxer who lost the plot and built loads of caravans in his garden. It's not really OK to mock the afflicted. But in the circs where she is so horribly dishonest and manipulative and CLEARLY the vast majority of the supportive commenters are fake, I think there needs to be the balance redressed on the comments by the so called haters. Otherwise people send her money and food. They do anyway but its all we can do to let a few people know not to.

Other people say well commenting just encourages her. This simply isn't true. Her column gains little to no comments. Some news stories gain thousands of comments. Some rubbish columns gain hundreds. Her Diary gets less than 100 every week. That is not encouraging her. This thread being in 'showbiz' is. It should be moved to UK newspapers thread.
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Old 19-02-2013, 18:01
Paula Panzer
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To Happydisaster:

Please check your inbox. I have PMed you.
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Old 20-02-2013, 18:01
coldcomfort
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Happydisaster: I hope you do write a weekly post as you're a darn good read. I've never read any of LJ's wedding planner stuff, so decided to have a butchers and that led me to other farticles she's done, going back around five years. Some of them were almost identical to her columns from a few weeks ago, and her well-recycled anecdotes were dropped willy-nilly into totally unrelated situations. She plagiarises herself in just about every article yet keeps earning mega-bucks. Jesus wept! I had started to suspect that maybe she was deliberately doing a self-parody number (to keep the comments coming in and annoy the hell out of readers), but she really does sound like she's crackers. I'm thinking of turning up at the DM's office in a straightjacket in the hope there might be some jobs going.
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Old 21-02-2013, 02:33
astor
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As I didn't have much to do this morning, I looked at astor's profile. Sad I know.

Not sure of their gender but from their past postings they appear to be Scottish.

Are they the piggy eyed person with the buzz-cut who wore leggings and filled stadia back in the 80's?
Really have to laugh here at your hilarious and quite frankly bonkers interest in the Daily Mail colummnist LizJones.

Regarding your curiosity about me - I am a Scottish ,non piggy eyed, lady with a normal haircut and a liking for all kinds of music , 80's stadia, rap, opera , dub, pop ,etc , etc
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Old 21-02-2013, 07:46
Saltydog1955
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Really have to laugh here at your hilarious and quite frankly bonkers interest in the Daily Mail colummnist LizJones.

Regarding your curiosity about me - I am a Scottish ,non piggy eyed, lady with a normal haircut and a liking for all kinds of music , 80's stadia, rap, opera , dub, pop ,etc , etc
I have to laugh too. At least I seem to have a sense of humour astor, - maybe you should try one?.
Yes, I know you're a woman love. I was joking. Perhaps you could stick to the subject of Liz Jones and stop having personal pops at other FM's eh?

Oh, and we're still waiting for your evidence of Liz's 'hilarious' writings.
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Old 21-02-2013, 11:37
sunstone
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As the DM continues withe the search for the most repulsive woman to replace LJ,they produce a piss take of an article by one from The Apprentice.http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...eath-them.html

This is the woman who(,whoops) by arrangement.sorry accident was papped naked with a married man in a field.

An eight year old says "If children don't put the effort in,I don't want to play with them" She puts Sibary to shame.
What happens if a child from a less well off background has a Latin inspired name and good behaviour?

Liz is going to have to up her game,ditch the sick animals and steal some of her giant nieces and nephews or she is doomed.

I even noticed Jan Moir did an article taking the mick out of London Fashion W%%k.

Scary times for the witchy one


ETA. The little girl has a toy Dyson,the boy a racing car
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Old 21-02-2013, 17:14
coldcomfort
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As the DM continues withe the search for the most repulsive woman to replace LJ,they produce a piss take of an article by one from The Apprentice.http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...eath-them.html

This is the woman who(,whoops) by arrangement.sorry accident was papped naked with a married man in a field.

An eight year old says "If children don't put the effort in,I don't want to play with them" She puts Sibary to shame.
What happens if a child from a less well off background has a Latin inspired name and good behaviour?

Liz is going to have to up her game,ditch the sick animals and steal some of her giant nieces and nephews or she is doomed.

I even noticed Jan Moir did an article taking the mick out of London Fashion W%%k.

Scary times for the witchy one


ETA. The little girl has a toy Dyson,the boy a racing car
Jeez, sunstone. The Mail's surpassed itself with this one - she makes the Lizard sound positively saintly! I'd never heard of her before, but looked her up on Wiki and 'total sl*g' came to mind after reading about her escapades. What a great role model for her hapless kids . Happydisaster was right when she stated that Liz gets nothing like the comments others get; this serpent garnered thousands after that incendiary piece and I'm not surprised. A dreadful piece of work and LJ must be quaking in her expensive biker boots after this. The Diary could soon become The Obituary.
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Old 21-02-2013, 21:26
sunstone
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I didn't see the thread on this earlier ,and there were about 12 comments when I read the farticle.

I bet LJ has her cauldron boiling tonight ( not with actual food mind you ).

Expect a new item on selfish mothers any day now.( good parents sadly always get overlooked).
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Old 23-02-2013, 13:19
Amused Harpy
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Note to self: Well, that's this week's Diary cut and pasted in ten minutes. The word count's been padded out with designer label references and more tales of how the nasty locals have been mean to me. Now for another glass of Chardonnay.

What shall I write for next week's Diary? Oh, yes, I'll pretend Nirps has e-mailed me, saying he wants me back because he's fed up with all the meaningless encounters he's had with young flibbertigibbets.

I'd better spice things up a bit or Mr.Dacre might replace me with Katie Hopkins, Shona Sibbary or Samantha Brick. Well, I'll invent another romantic episode with the Rock Star. Thank God he doesn't exist as I couldn't stand someone like that touching me. For good measure I could say the RS has read Nirpal's e-mail and has replied: "Stay away from my woman - or else"!

Now, there's a comedy scenario - guitars and yoga mats at dawn, ha ha.

I'll have another glass of Chardonnay and then I'll read over this week's Diary before pressing the send button.

Horrified shriek: "Oh my God! No! I've tagged on the note to self to the bottom of the Diary and I've just pressed Send"!

Last edited by Amused Harpy : 23-02-2013 at 13:24. Reason: Had put two ts in "with".
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Old 23-02-2013, 13:23
vampyre
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Tomorrow's diary is a drink with FRS. It has actually left me speechless at the fact anyone was paid for it.
BTW she said recently the Diary is meant to be 750 words. It rarely is and tomorrow's is about 725.
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Old 23-02-2013, 19:18
DeliriumTremens
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Tomorrow's diary is a drink with FRS. It has actually left me speechless at the fact anyone was paid for it.
BTW she said recently the Diary is meant to be 750 words. It rarely is and tomorrow's is about 725.

Perhaps she counts the date, the Headline, and the page number to boost the word count?
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Old 23-02-2013, 19:25
vampyre
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Perhaps she counts the date, the Headline, and the page number to boost the word count?
As well as avoiding contractions for the same reason.

Very admirable, I'm sure other jobbing hacks are near swooning with respect for this woman.

ETA: The word count that's given includes the heading.
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Old 23-02-2013, 20:02
Becky Sharpe
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As the DM continues withe the search for the most repulsive woman to replace LJ,they produce a piss take of an article by one from The Apprentice.http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...eath-them.html
...
'I won't let my children play with friends that I deem beneath them... that's what caring mothers do':

An eight year old says "If children don't put the effort in,I don't want to play with them" She puts Sibary to shame.
What next - 'Pimp My Embryo'?
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Old 23-02-2013, 20:04
vampyre
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What next - 'Pimp My Embryo'?
You may or may not wish to google the history of Shona.

She gave birth on tv to her eldest child, something she says she regrets but then dredged it up years later to write an article about the experience.
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Old 23-02-2013, 20:15
Becky Sharpe
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^ - didn't know about that, Vampyre. I was about to edit my previous post to include a tasteless reference to 'Lebensborn' , but would not wish to excite Paul Dacre/Iain Duncan Smith too much
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Old 23-02-2013, 20:16
vampyre
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Here you are Becky.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...ment-life.html
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Old 23-02-2013, 20:27
Becky Sharpe
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Oh my word.. <thud >. Looks like Sibary & Poor Keith have already trumped UK orange Z-Listers re: exploiting one's offspring from birth .....
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Old 23-02-2013, 22:06
cathrin
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Blimey! Breathtakingly awful. And did anyone spot the Liz-esque moment at the wedding when "a stranger pushed through the throng shouting: ‘Here, weren’t you two on telly a few months back?" just as they were leaving the church amid a flurry of confetti? Where was this stranger lurking, I wonder? Makes Liz's handy quote-supplying taxi drivers and tulip-carrying Dutchmen seem positively plausible by comparison!

Re the Apprentice woman and her erudite 8-year-old, you've gotta love how all these DM writers happen to have articulate, wise-beyond-their-years children who conveniently spout handy speeches in total support of their mothers' viewpoints! Who needs a taxi driver or a passing tulip-carrier when you've got a ready supply of backup quotes from your own kids, eh?
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Old 24-02-2013, 02:51
Becky Sharpe
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Blimey! Breathtakingly awful. And did anyone spot the Liz-esque moment at the wedding when "a stranger pushed through the throng shouting: ‘Here, weren’t you two on telly a few months back?" just as they were leaving the church amid a flurry of confetti? Where was this stranger lurking, I wonder? Makes Liz's handy quote-supplying taxi drivers and tulip-carrying Dutchmen seem positively plausible by comparison! )
Puts Dustin Hoffman [ in The Graduate] to shame, that does
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Old 24-02-2013, 08:30
Mommie Dearest
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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/ar...omen-rape.html
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Old 24-02-2013, 09:36
Becky Sharpe
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How kind of LJ to quote the internet abuse allegedly dished out to 'Kate' and Hilary Mantel - presumably received in response to her employer's crap misrepresentation of what Hilary Mantel actually said/wrote
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Old 24-02-2013, 09:58
Becky Sharpe
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I’m sure my critics don’t want to be me: barren, broke and, as one woman posted, so old she referred to me as ‘Nana’.

^Erm India Knight responding to a bit of internet abuse [courtesey of LJ] - albeit in a below the belt manner?
I turned down two offers to be on ITV last week, at £1,000 for each five-minute appearance, as I didn’t want to cower later that night avoiding pot shots behind a metaphorical locked loo door.
^One person's 'turned down' is another's 'didn't turn up'
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Old 24-02-2013, 11:30
sunstone
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The posts from this weekend have cracked me up,thanks all.

I didn't know that about Sibary,I guess it's how she got a foot in the door and I bet LJ loathes her.

Hilary Mantel has been totally abused by the DM,
LJ comparing internet insults to rape ,and involving Reeva Steenkamp's death is low even for her.( seeing as she insults all and sundry).
She is still denying insulting Clare Balding then,I must have misread that article entirely.

On a lighter note,the dreary is as bad as ever but along with botox what the nick is IPL?
I was bored enough to google and only got the BBC Iplayer
I tried but could only come up with In Pain Lips or Itchy Pants Liposuction or Irritatingly Plucked Lizard? Who knows,it will join the mystery of the the steamed teeth for me.
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Old 24-02-2013, 13:33
Saltydog1955
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The posts from this weekend have cracked me up,thanks all.

I didn't know that about Sibary,I guess it's how she got a foot in the door and I bet LJ loathes her.

Hilary Mantel has been totally abused by the DM,
LJ comparing internet insults to rape ,and involving Reeva Steenkamp's death is low even for her.( seeing as she insults all and sundry).
She is still denying insulting Clare Balding then,I must have misread that article entirely.

On a lighter note,the dreary is as bad as ever but along with botox what the nick is IPL?
I was bored enough to google and only got the BBC Iplayer
I tried but could only come up with In Pain Lips or Itchy Pants Liposuction or Irritatingly Plucked Lizard? Who knows,it will join the mystery of the the steamed teeth for me.
It's 'intense pulsed light' and it's used for hair removal.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intense_pulsed_light

I expect she was there all day.
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