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Liz Jones - YOU magazine (Part 4)


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Old 18-03-2013, 20:14
Becky Sharpe
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Here's the latest episode:-.. I decided to see for myself what his fascination with Lorraine Kelly's boobies was so, against my better judgement, I switched on to watch her TV show.
At first, so far so bland. There was some chit-chat and then fashion news from the High Street. Of course it couldn't compare with my vast knowledge of designer fashion....
< applause > The above reminded me that IRL LJ already has burnt her bridges, re: lucrative daytime telly appearances, by writing that nasty article about Holly Willoughby's entire anatomy. You really can see Liz getting into a psychotic froth about LK
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Old 19-03-2013, 03:33
Sarah Soreen
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Thanks for your comments, Becky Sharpe and Cold Comfort.
Here's the latest episode:-

In which there's one humungous crisis.

Something was afoot, dear reader, because the RS* hadn't sent me any grovelling text messages for the past few days.
Taking a slight break from my 80 hour working week, I decided to see for myself what his fascination with Lorraine Kelly's boobies was so, against my better judgement, I switched on to watch her TV show.
At first, so far so bland. There was some chit-chat and then fashion news from the High Street. Of course it couldn't compare with my vast knowledge of designer fashion.
I wondered how many men had tuned in just for the opportunity of leering at her ample cleavage which she was flaunting quite shamelessly.
Another guest walked in and droned on. I was almost tempted to switch off but continued to watch out of curiosity.
When she announced her next guest, I almost fell off my £10,000 Terence Conran chaise longue. It was the RS*.
I was, as they say in vulgar parlance, gobsmacked. So this was why the utter swine had stopped grovelling. He must have been so overwhelmed at being invited onto her show that he'd lost all sense of proportion.
To my horror, she announced she was a great fan of his music. He was like a child in a sweet shop - beaming all over his sweaty face. Perhaps it was the heat from the studio lights but I thought it had more to do with his lustful thoughts - down boy! His eyes were on stalks - locked onto her vast cleavage.
"Ah'm fair pleased ye appreciate ma music, Lorraine, because Ah've goat three tickets tae ma next gig fur yersel', yuir man an' young Rosie". I felt like vomiting - it was like a mutual admiration society.
Thanking him profusely, she enquired about his love-life and he replied he was unsure if he was still in a relationship. The nerve of the man! He told her he had this relationship with a
famous fashion journalist but kept quiet about my name although that was the only thing he kept quiet about. The disgusting brute discussed that disastrous trip to Scotland and the reason why I'd flung his haggis and chips over him and trampled on his deep-fried Mars Bar, adding: "Ah'd yin helluva joab gettin' that motor home carpet clean".
At this point that woman and the entire studio audience howled with laughter. Wiping away tears of mirth when the laughter subsided, she said: "What a waste of a good haggis supper" and, believe it or not, they both went on to extol the virtue of haggis and chips.
I was shaking with rage by now and my face was beetroot-red with anger and humiliation.
Then came the bombshell. She said it sounded like I was only using him and that I must be a bit neurotic. To add insult to injury, she told him that, being a famous Rock Star, he could have his pick of whoever he wanted.
I couldn't believe my ears - he agreed. His actual words were:
"Aye, come tae think o' it, she's a bit o' a heidcase - in fact a right bampot".
Hyperventilating, wailing and uttering profanities, I shook as I reached for the remote control to switch off: otherwise I would have flung my £1,800 Christian Louboutin shoe boots through my £15,000 state of the art television screen.
Recalling Mme. Lazonga's good advice about chilling out, I booked a week's rest at a world-famous spa for pampering my bruised ego and loads of de-stressing.
Tears of laughter are trickling down my face!!

Honestly, these parodies are sooooo much better than the original!

I hope they keep coming
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Old 19-03-2013, 13:14
Becky Sharpe
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Yes, he was a French carpenter with a large moustache, and I was the former owner of two TV companies (which had gone bust), but I knew we could make this work.
Pascal’s usually soft, chocolate-brown eyes flashed with inky-black rage. ‘No woman talk to me like zat!’ he spat before stalking out.

The room momentarily fell silent. Merde! I thought to myself.
Merde! indeed. No, the above isn't a parody.. Apologies for the link but I couldn't resist
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Old 20-03-2013, 10:30
Amused Harpy
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Totally agree, BS. Sam Brick's writing was so bad it was like a parody in itself.
Pascal in his camouflage gear wouldn't look out of place singing YMCA with the Village People.
Like Grace Kelly, I almost stress-wee'ed myself laughing at some of the online comments. A few people thought it resembled 'Allo, 'Allo. I thought that too and could imagine Officer Crabtree walking on, saying: "Good moaning. I 'ave a massage for Ronnay".
Here's my take on it:-
It was a perfect evening. The warm air was heavy with the fragrance of honeysuckle and lavender. Gazing into Pascal's velvety chocolate-brown eyes, I could feel myself melting with desire.
"Come wiz me, ma cherie. I weel take you away from all zis ceeveelizashon " he whispered, chewing a clove of garlic and twirling his moustache. The man's a sex-god. What woman could resist him?
Suddenly I became aware of a horrible odour akin to burst drains and felt the urge to retch.
Pascal exclaimed: "Zut, alors! I knew I 'ad forgotten someseeng. Today is ze day I 'ave my monthly change of underwear".
Seriously, though, it must be hellish being married to that insensitive, domineering, unhygienic, oaf. I wonder if she is really so deliriously happy with him or is just kidding herself that she is.
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Old 20-03-2013, 10:51
coldcomfort
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Very amused by that, AH. It did read like a cross between a p1ss poor episode of 'Allo 'Allo and Mills and Boon. The thought of touching Pascal's skid-marked grots was revolting, not to mention his yellow gnashers. Bleurgh! Him and Antonio must stink to high heaven if Brickbat doesn't baby them. Double yuk! I bet Pascal's finger nails are always thick with muck and bits of old mince and cheese cling to his 'tache. He must be thrilled to bits that Sam has aired his very dirty washing to the public.
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Old 20-03-2013, 13:41
Becky Sharpe
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Imagine the characters of Jim Royle and Frank Gallagher taking a booze cruise daytrip to Calais. On arrival they are immediately kidnapped by hordes of love starved women, all crying: "At last, zee young Eenglish sex gods from ovair ze sea. Vite! vite! we must 'ave zere babies!"..... Seriously - you can't help wondering whether the whole Samantha/Pascal marriage is a setup/giant spoof. No sane person would ridicule their beloved to zillions of Daily Mail readers. But then....
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Old 20-03-2013, 14:18
Amused Harpy
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How true, coldcomfort and Becky Sharpe.
Pascal and Antonio's lack of hygiene sounds quite revolting.
I'll bet you can smell them before you see them. They really should wash every day.
Right enough, Pascal is about as sexy as Jim Royle and Frank Gallagher - double yeugh!
La Brick is probably short of housekeeping money so she's writing her memoirs to make some spare cash.
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Old 20-03-2013, 15:29
coldcomfort
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Food and Drink, with Samantha Prick.

He's home! He's home! My uber stallion Pascal has returned from shaping bits of wood into sensual, phallic shapes. Now to get my hands on his pha . . .!
'Woman! Eez ma souperrrr rrrrreadeee? I am 'uunnngree.'
'Yes, my darling hero superman. There's wine and cheese and absolutely no vegetables or pulses, just as you demanded.'
He grunted, spat on the floor and then scratched his privates before slumping onto a stool. Absolutely adorable! I watched longingly as he wolfed down hunks of cheese and French stick before washing it all down with a flagon of red wine.
'Buuuuuurrrp!!! Eeeez assez bon. Maintenant, venez ici!'
'Whatever you ask, my whole world.' I swooned, unsteady on my feet as I tottered towards him.
Pascal raised his arms for our embrace, his sweaty pits exposing matted hair with pussed boils amongst the meshed ensemble.
He opened his mouth for our kiss. I could see his tongue was furred with cheese and had become a deep purple colour after the red wine had flowed over it. Rivulets of slime stretched at the corners of his mouth before our open lips met.
Hmmmm. I'm getting a rich bouquet of vomit fruit, with just a tingle of paint stripper. There's an undertone of week-old fish that compliments nicely with the yeasty aroma of gone-off lager. All in all, a good value-for-money snog that should suit most pockets.

You can read more of Samantha's reviews on deluded/sozzled@crazed.co.uk
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Old 20-03-2013, 16:08
Becky Sharpe
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Food and Drink, with Samantha Prick.

He's home! He's home! My uber stallion Pascal has returned from shaping bits of wood into sensual, phallic shapes. Now to get my hands on his pha . . .!
'Woman! Eez ma souperrrr rrrrreadeee? I am 'uunnngree.'
'Yes, my darling hero superman. There's wine and cheese and absolutely no vegetables or pulses, just as you demanded.'
He grunted, spat on the floor and then scratched his privates before slumping onto a stool. Absolutely adorable! I watched longingly as he wolfed down hunks of cheese and French stick before washing it all down with a flagon of red wine.
'Buuuuuurrrp!!! Eeeez assez bon. Maintenant, venez ici!'
'Whatever you ask, my whole world.' I swooned, unsteady on my feet as I tottered towards him.
Pascal raised his arms for our embrace, his sweaty pits exposing matted hair with pussed boils amongst the meshed ensemble.
He opened his mouth for our kiss. I could see his tongue was furred with cheese and had become a deep purple colour after the red wine had flowed over it. Rivulets of slime stretched at the corners of his mouth before our open lips met.
Hmmmm. I'm getting a rich bouquet of vomit fruit, with just a tingle of paint stripper. There's an undertone of week-old fish that compliments nicely with the yeasty aroma of gone-off lager. All in all, a good value-for-money snog that should suit most pockets.

You can read more of Samantha's reviews on deluded/sozzled@crazed.co.uk
Sorry Cold Comfort, the quality of the writing is too good .. [ ]
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Old 22-03-2013, 10:28
Amused Harpy
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Coldcomfort your parody accurately captures the essence of Pascal.
Some sex god, eh?
Either Sam Brick is writing that rubbish because she's short of cash or she is deluded, crazed or sozzled.
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Old 24-03-2013, 10:28
Amused Harpy
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The heading for today's Dear Diary should have been In which nothing eventful has happened, as usual, so I'm just inventing a sob story.

If, however, she is tellling the truth this time, the woman she's talking about will recognise herself and won't be too pleased.

It's getting to the stage where her Dreary is so boring it's hardly worth reading. I've noticed that a few people say they don't read her articles but just go straight to the online comments as they're more interesting.
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Old 24-03-2013, 13:29
Badcat
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I got so confused when I first starting reading her article.

"Jellyfish woman? Why is she having someone stay over who has a jellyfish? how is the woman keeping it alive? Is it for a weird botox type treatment??"

and why bother to but someone presents when they are staying over and take them out for dinner every night, cheaper to cook at home you stupid woman (and maybe the restaurant they went to was crap and vegan so that's why the guest didn't eat much)

Also... didn't Liz Moans complain a while back about how stiff she was etc due to her "lack of eating" and "how it's destroyed her joints??" Or did I dream that?
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Old 24-03-2013, 15:52
Becky Sharpe
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When even LJ gets tired of ripping off SATC, there's always Bridget Jones. Again.
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Old 24-03-2013, 16:32
Seabird
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After the bitter dissapointment that Liz hasn't actually been attacked by a real jellyfish her other article today is back to her offensive 'best':

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...-Waitrose.html

Combining a complete lack of unawareness of how alcoholics function (despite having family members suffering from it) and some truly apalling racism straight out of 70s TV show 'Love Thy Neighbour'. Has this article been created to preserve the myth of the RS and to give him a speedy exit?
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Old 24-03-2013, 16:43
Badcat
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After the bitter dissapointment that Liz hasn't actually been attacked by a real jellyfish her other article today is back to her offensive 'best':

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...-Waitrose.html

Combining a complete lack of unawareness of how alcoholics function (despite having family members suffering from it) and some truly apalling racism straight out of 70s TV show 'Love Thy Neighbour'. Has this article been created to preserve the myth of the RS and to give him a speedy exit?
I read this and thought of the RS as well.

Ahhh Liz Moans, showing her stupidity the the very highest level there. OMG! You can buy alcohol in shops which ACTUALLY contain alcohol! ohhhh the terror of it all!

And an alcoholic will not be sated by "low alcohol booze" you stupid mare.

yes, let us restrict the booze so only posh shops sell it as they are bound not to let us commoners with sponge soaked boozed livers in.

I mean god forbid I want to buy a simple bottle of red in Tesco to share on a Saturday night instead of making illegal moonshine in my outhouse out of the non organic potato peelings that might render me blind like a proper commoner ought to.
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Old 24-03-2013, 19:08
Saltydog1955
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I read this and thought of the RS as well.

Ahhh Liz Moans, showing her stupidity the the very highest level there. OMG! You can buy alcohol in shops which ACTUALLY contain alcohol! ohhhh the terror of it all!

And an alcoholic will not be sated by "low alcohol booze" you stupid mare.

yes, let us restrict the booze so only posh shops sell it as they are bound not to let us commoners with sponge soaked boozed livers in.

I mean god forbid I want to buy a simple bottle of red in Tesco to share on a Saturday night instead of making illegal moonshine in my outhouse out of the non organic potato peelings that might render me blind like a proper commoner ought to.
She has an 'alcoholic' staying in her flat?

I bet he wasn't before he spent the night there. That woman would turn the Pope alcoholic.
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Old 24-03-2013, 22:36
cathrin
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Both columns are breathtakingly horrible again this week. The parts about her sisters are particularly unpleasant; she seems to relish revealing deeply personal stuff about the older one, writing about her alcoholism yet again, clearly naming her and identifying her. Why do this? There's absolutely no justification. What does it achieve, other than to be cruel?

Ditto the endlessly trotted out story of "buying my sister a cottage" which she always makes sound like some huge favour she did purely out of the kindness of her heart. It always smacks of a particularly sadistic type of bullying towards these family members ("Look at the power I have! I can humiliate you in print anytime I like!") Horrible.

As for the house guest....ridiculous. Why not put the heating on instead of buying silly expensive gifts and bragging about them in print? ....And notice how whenever she writes about wanting people to come and stay, it's always about showing off the new house, never about actually valuing their company or having the desire to engage with them as people. I feel sorry for that poor friend who came to stay; you can be sure she will now be added to the ever-growing list of people for whom Liz bought X, Y and Z and will never let the recipients hear the end of it....
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Old 24-03-2013, 22:40
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Both columns are breathtakingly horrible again this week. The parts about her sisters are particularly unpleasant; she seems to relish revealing deeply personal stuff about the older one, clearly naming her and identifying her when writing about her alcoholism yet again. Why do this? There's absolutely no justification. What does it achieve other than to be cruel?

Ditto the endlessly trotted out story of "buying my sister a cottage" which she always makes sound like some huge favour she did purely out of the kindness of her heart. It always smacks of a particularly sadistic type of bullying towards these family members ("Look at the power I have! I can humiliate you in print anytime I like!") Horrible.

As for the house guest....ridiculous. Why not put the heating on instead of buying silly expensive gifts and bragging about them in print? And notice how whenever she writes about wanting people to come and stay, it's always about showing off the new house, never about actually valuing their company or having the desire to engage with them as people. I feel sorry for that poor friend who came to stay; you can be sure she will now be added to the ever-growing list of people for whom Liz bought X, Y and Z and will never now let the recipients hear the end of it....
She neglects to mention that she had to do something and I imagine the purchase of this property was the most advantageous action for the Lizard.
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Old 24-03-2013, 23:01
alaninmcr
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She neglects to mention that she had to do something and I imagine the purchase of this property was the most advantageous action for the Lizard.
Did she buy her sister the house? I thought it was part of an out-of-court settlement that her solicitor told her she would lose.
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Old 25-03-2013, 17:20
Becky Sharpe
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Ditto the endlessly trotted out story of "buying my sister a cottage" which she always makes sound like some huge favour she did purely out of the kindness of her heart. It always smacks of a particularly sadistic type of bullying towards these family members ("Look at the power I have! I can humiliate you in print anytime I like!") Horrible.

..
^The cottage story is like a convoluted plot line from the old US comedy series Soap:
"Confused? You won't be, after this week's episode..."
I don't care enough to google up the relevant DM articles, but [from memory], didn't LJ's sister mortgage her own home to help LJ purchase 'Exmoor' - with the promise of sis eventually getting to live in the barn extension - only to be surplanted by Nic? Meaning that when 'Exmoor' was sold, LJ merely repaid the money she owed to her sister's mortgage lenders, as opposed to buying her sister a cottage from scratch? Especially in the above circumstances, I'd be furious to see myself written about as some kind of charity case!
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Old 26-03-2013, 21:02
sunstone
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^The cottage story is like a convoluted plot line from the old US comedy series Soap: I don't care enough to google up the relevant DM articles, but [from memory], didn't LJ's sister mortgage her own home to help LJ purchase 'Exmoor' - with the promise of sis eventually getting to live in the barn extension - only to be surplanted by Nic? Meaning that when 'Exmoor' was sold, LJ merely repaid the money she owed to her sister's mortgage lenders, as opposed to buying her sister a cottage from scratch? Especially in the above circumstances, I'd be furious to see myself written about as some kind of charity case!
That's how I remember it Becky ( like you I can't be bothered to look it up ).
And she wonders why her family don't bother with her.Nasty witch.
I took the visitor to be someone she was interviewing as a potential employee,( ie some work experience kid from London).I may have guessed that completely wrong though.
Remember she has NO friends.
The alcoholic tale is a complete load of bull,made to make us think that it's time for RS to get the boot.Mentioning her sister again...priceless


eta,is that 3 sisters she has let down?

1, Lost her son but LJ didn't bother to visit Aus,even though she planned to go there with RS,( Got a Dreary out of the funeral though).
2 Forever tells the world she is alcoholic and alone.
3.Forever tells the world what a scrounging cottage stealer she is. ( with her son who scrounges Ipads for LJ to spy on Nirps.)
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Old 31-03-2013, 02:20
Becky Sharpe
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She has an 'alcoholic' staying in her flat?

I bet he wasn't before he spent the night there.....
..
The alcoholic tale is a complete load of bull,made to make us think that it's time for RS to get the boot.
..
Re: Latest instalment from the illogical/illegible LJ:
Saltydog1955 + sunstone's posts = spot on/'back of the net'....
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Old 31-03-2013, 13:51
sunstone
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Happy Easter all.

Today she loves Mary Berry like she loves her own dear mum, ( so does she wish she was dead then?).
Joan Bakewell is a wicked slutty feminist ,(she went to Cambridge) and doesn't clean her own floors ( LJ employs a cleaner but that's OK).

The E-mail from the RS in the dreary is beyond ridiculous.
No alcoholic waits all morning for a drink if they are in withdrawal.methinks LJ is talking about her wine habit.
I thought he was the skinny one and Nirps was the one with the fat thighs?
I think the stress of the imaginary relationship has got to her .
I like that she expects RAF rescue to come and help her feed the horses,but the thought of LJ in that summer frock and wellies combo with a hay bale on her back in the snow did make me smirk
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Old 31-03-2013, 15:04
cathrin
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I've just read today's Diary. The comments say it all. An insult to the readers in every possible way, regardless of whether the email is genuine or not (and I agree with the comments that the FRS writes in the same style as Liz, (as does Nic, incidentally, whose long, rambling, grammatically precise text messages bear no resemblance to any text ever sent in the real world).

Whether it's a real email or not is almost irrelevant. It's the principle that is so appalling. Breezily telling your readers that you're cutting and pasting someone else's email to fill a column that you're (well-)paid to write yourself, just shows absolute contempt and a complete lack of respect for (a) the readers (b) journalism itself (c) the DM (c) the person she's supposedly writing about. Awful.

Apart from anything else, it's not exactly a scintillating read, is it?

ETA: Oh, and this week she helpfully uses her own ghastliness to illustrate that "writers", apparently, are horrible, horrible people. Makes a change from claiming to represent all "women", I suppose. But as always, she misses the point.....her behaviour is representative only of herself, and has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of us women, or writers, or anyone else.
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Old 31-03-2013, 15:21
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So she copies and pastes her "RS" email instead of writing an article herself.
Says her mum is amazing but in other articles moans about her upbringing and her mother being poor and "forever cleaning".
Moans about women who expect their cleaners to actually "clean".
Moans that evil farmers leave their sheep to have lambs out in the open air when ALL the poor ickle lambs should be in a nice warm shed. She would be the 1st one to complain if farm animals are kept inside!

"oh the LAMBS!!! Why didn't you put them in sheds you evil farmer!" *whacks him with her prada leather and snakeskin bag*
"Oh the SHEEP!" Why aren't they in the fields roaming like they are meant to be!!" *whacks him with her newly bought "inset overpriced label" boots*

When I first read the booze article I ACTUALLY thought it was about Liz Moans!
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