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Liz Jones - YOU magazine (Part 4)


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Old 12-05-2013, 17:12
Fatsia
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So the Dreary then.

Over the last couple of weeks, the London 'cupboard' has increased in size from a place where she couldn't get laid without banging her elbows *shudder* to having a spare room, a balcony, and now a four-poster bed (from Heals, don'tcha know).

Now it's all over, we'll only have to hear about it for another, oh, about ten years or so? Did you know she was stood up on Millenium Eve, by the way?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/....html#comments
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Old 12-05-2013, 19:42
Seabird
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Well, we didn't see the big break up coming up did we children And still her supporters rush to comfort her. If this had been a real relationship then the 'break-up' would be a real 'Twitter-storm'. They are the only 'celebrity' couple never, ever seen together or photographed despite the fact she writes about the 'romance' every week. What a cop out, truly, money for old rope. Next time Liz get an imaginary boyfriend you actually like. Cold Comfort - over to you!
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Old 13-05-2013, 00:03
Freckles101
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Liz Bones is never going to change. She's a straightforward case of meeting Narcissitic Personality Disorder diagnostic criteria.
Much as she would hate to be considered pretty common re her mental health issues, after all very many her 'special' therapies, all of whicn have been so unsuccessful. They would be as the key feature of a narcissitic person is a total lack of empathy. Which LJ has.
So all her column/interviews content will follow the same cyclical pattern until she finds ones that works for her to feel better (short cut version courtsy of Wikipedia):

1.unconscious repression
2.conscious denial
3.distortion (including exaggeration and minimization) and lies
4.psychological projection (blaming somebody else)
5.enlisting the help of one or more of his or her codependent friends who will support his or her distorted view.

Sorry to sound so formal, but I figure she is never going to change. She'll get worse and continue irrating the hell out of us.

Psychological Bingo LJ anyone?
She usually does all 5 in one article.

I still loathe her comments and the fact that she is so insutling to so many people in so many ways. Not least that she is paid a small fortune to write lies about her self and other people that she expects us to believe.

I'd love to read LJ Diary's from an enforced periord in The Priory, sans her regular product placements, but I think she is too much of a cash cow for Paul Dacre to get shot of her.
For the moment.

I still loathe her for her writings.
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Old 13-05-2013, 04:25
jeff_vader
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If anyone's seen Watson & Oliver on the Beeb, the dark-haired one has this euro businesswoman character selling 'the Globalizer'; something about her weirdness and Morticia-like raven locks just made me think of dear old Liz
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Old 14-05-2013, 09:40
Fatsia
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Does anybody read the comments on the Dreary any more? I have a feeling that 'Atticus' might be the old Lizard itself! Somebody called 'MPP, Surrey' has really got under his/her skin, but Atticus' responses have been interesting. MPP made a comment referring to LJ's farticle:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...ing-aisle.html
where she drags her poor husband Micheal around Burberry in the West End on an extendable lead. Atticus seems to have a very detailed knowledge of precisely what took place on that shopping trip...
"for a start Michael was taken into one shop and not 'dragged around the West End'; he was not in the least terrified but quite content on an interesting (to him) outing with his owner and he was wearing an 'extendable' lead, not one that was fully extended at all times. Can't imagine why you can even start to criticise since you believe LJ is a total fantasist and repeat endlessly how everything she writes is imagined anyway."
It's very entertaining - which is more than I can say for the Dreary!
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Old 14-05-2013, 17:32
coldcomfort
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I agree with you Fatsia. This Atticus must have been an on-the-spot dog whisperer - or indeed is the Lizard.
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Old 14-05-2013, 18:10
coldcomfort
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So. I've burned my bridges and dumped the Rock Star. What now? How can I sustain my readership now my goose that laid the golden egg has been kicked from the nest?
Maybe, just maybe, I had been a little impetuous by finishing with him over the space of just two diary entries; maybe I could have got more mileage if I'd injected some clandestine subterfuge into his infidelity and concocted a full-blown affair, rather than hastily binning him off after just the one dalliance? Whatever, but earlier I received a testy call from my agent. 'Liz. We need to meet up. Soon.' Oh dear. There was an ominous tone in his voice, rather like that of a headteacher who would summon a naughty child to his office over a misdemeanour.
Oh-kaaaay. Knowing I must be in the dog house, I would dress to kill and knock his socks off with my choice of a pre-loved Biba mini-dress (my legs are, of course, fabulous), a purple feather boa and my favourite Jimmy Choo heels.
Driving across London, from my Kensington penthouse, to my meeting, I mulled over how the conversation would go.
'So you've decided to pull the plug on the RS, hmmm? Are we now going to have to endure Nirps, the sequel, for the next several years? It's all worn gossamer thin, Liz.'
Oh yes. I could hear these words as clearly as if he was sitting in my car with me. Well I've got an ace up my sleeve and he'd soon know about it.
After reaching his building, I parked up and tottered into reception. 'Oh, Miss Jones,' the silly young floosie on the desk gasped. 'You're expected. Please go through.' After giving her a withering glance, I went into my agent's office. As expected, he looked p***ed off.
'Great.' he began. 'Just f***ing great! We've been here before, haven't we Liz? So next Sunday we can expect to be regaled with sob-stories about knackered horses and cancer-ridden chickens again, eh? NOT what our readership wants!' He looked so smug as he sank back into the soft folds of his expensive leather swivel chair, propping his tanned fingers into a teepee shape through which he peered, gimlet eyed, at me.
Here goes. 'You know better than anyone what I've been through over this last five years, so I don't know why you're being so nasty to me.' I crossed and uncrossed my perfect pins. Did I mention I wasn't wearing any knickers, as I wanted to create a Sharon Stone moment that would shake him to the core? 'I've temporarily ditched the Rock Star as no-one believes he's real anyway.' I purred. My agent's eyes bulged and a film of sweat formed on his brow. I've got him, I thought triumphantly. Now to play my trump card - nay, a whole deck of them.
'I'm pregnant.' I announced. My agent jolted forward in his chair. 'Whaaat?!!!' 'Yes, pregnant.' I waited for him to regain his composure. 'But what . . . how . . . you said menopause? You said . . .' 'I know what I said.' I interjected. 'But I was wrong. I'm four months gone and no, I didn't steal his sperm from a used condom as I thought I was safe, barren if you like. But I've done a pregnancy test and it was positive.'
My agent reached into his desk and pulled out a bottle of 100-year-old cognac before slopping a large measure into a Waterford crystal glass. He coughed and choked on a swig and then spoke to me again, his florid face now beaming. 'Liz! this is column gold! This means RS's giant children will have a sibling younger than his grandchildren! Not only that, you'll be entitled to his riches and we can spin decades of column inches out of this. Superb!'
Leaving my agent topping himself up on huge glugs of cognac, I left the building and congratulated myself on my industry.
Now, the only possible problems will be how to get measured for a fake pregnancy belly without it getting in the papers and getting hold of loads of free designer preggers outfits. Oh, and how to adopt a new-born, ginger-headed infant from a tenement in the Gorbals who supports Celtic. Or is it Rangers?
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Old 15-05-2013, 13:24
Fatsia
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Sorry for the delay in praising your brilliant work, ColdComfort, but it has taken me this long to recover from the heebie-jeebies brought on by the thought of LJ procreating.
Very entertaining, as always, but with disturbing unexpected horror. *shudder*
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Old 15-05-2013, 16:13
Seabird
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Brilliant as always CC Yes, a very chilling twist and all the more chilling as we just know that something just as insane will make it into print on Sunday. Keep up the good work CC (and do something about those novels!)
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Old 19-05-2013, 08:13
Ber
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And what of todays woeful offerings? How can someone be so utterly lackwitted that they think a 17 year old dog "getting her period" is something cute and she may have puppies, instead of being highly concerned that her dog has suddenly started to display symptoms of what could be potentially terminal illness?

Those animals should be removed from her immediately. She is too stupid to have any. They didnt ask to be "rescued" by her did they? I dont call it rescue, I call it cruelty to be saddled with someone so stupid who doesnt have the first clue about their welfare.
That poor, poor Dog
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Old 19-05-2013, 11:53
Fatsia
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I don't have dogs, but even I would have known that poor Jess wasn't well. It seems to be incredibly dangerous for an animal to be 'rescued' by her. She should be reported to the RSPCA or something, and all her pets should be taken away and sent to somebody who will care for them appropriately.

Most weeks I just can't stand her for her piss-poor writing, lack of ability to string a sentence together, failure to make any part of her life sound remotely interesting and obvious lack of attention to anything she's written before.

Now I actively despise her, this is too much. Something has to be done, surely? If it is all made up - what kind of sick twisted soulless arse would invent such a horrible thing?
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Old 19-05-2013, 11:53
Lilaeth
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CC - it should be from Toryglen and support Celtic...

As for today's Dreary, can't we have a whipround and find someone to just put her out of our misery? Seriously? Animal lovers the world over would rejoice with us.
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Old 19-05-2013, 15:25
glaschelle
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CC - it should be from Toryglen and support Celtic...
Honestly cannot believe the this rock star would go any near this half wit!! I know he's changed since his mum used to have his pictures up in the bakery she worked in, but somewhere in there will be the old Glasgow boy - sorry bhoy (Glasgow joke!!!) - who would run a mile that this sort of woman!!

And did she not come out and admit and that it wasn't him

PS - I did think that he was born in the Gorbals before moving to Toryglen!
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Old 19-05-2013, 15:59
coldcomfort
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As predicted, the old sow's gone back to the sick, injured and dead animals again. The Dreary's on a frigging loop! Why on earth would Nic mention in her text that the chicken was organic when she was supposed to be so cut up about the dog's demise? It makes zilch sense. If there's a grain of truth in any of it, then the Lizard deserves to be prosecuted for needlessly prolonging the suffering of animals. An ancient dog having a period, FFS! No doubt her devotees will start banging on again about what a great animal lover she is. Yeah, right!
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Old 21-05-2013, 18:38
Paula Panzer
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As predicted, the old sow's gone back to the sick, injured and dead animals again. The Dreary's on a frigging loop! Why on earth would Nic mention in her text that the chicken was organic when she was supposed to be so cut up about the dog's demise? It makes zilch sense. If there's a grain of truth in any of it, then the Lizard deserves to be prosecuted for needlessly prolonging the suffering of animals. An ancient dog having a period, FFS! No doubt her devotees will start banging on again about what a great animal lover she is. Yeah, right!
That text was far too detailed to be a text. Even people like me who don't do txt spk don't go into minute detail but stick to the basics (ie, not mentioning the organic chicken). She gets less and less believable by the week.
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Old 22-05-2013, 14:22
coldcomfort
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In Which Things go from Fact to Fiction.

And so. I got up early on Monday and had a shower, then I went into town to buy bread from a recently opened pound shop. I'd bought some rolls the previous week and was deeply impressed with their soft texture. However, the rolls I purchased this particular morning were clearly a couple of days old, obviously leftovers from Saturday, and I was shattered by how dry they were when I sliced them open on my return home. I wailed my anguish to my BB (bald boyfriend) when he got in from work.
Tuesday's ambience was ruined by the bin men emptying the green recycling bins. The earth-shattering clatter, when the empty lager tins from my bin hit the lorry's interior, drowned out Martin Roberts' commentary on Homes Under the Hammer. I was denied knowing the final bid for a two-up, two-down in Scunthorpe. Humph!
On Wednesday I made corned beef hash.
Thursday dawned bright and sunny. I was immediately depressed as I suffer from hayfever. And I'm scared of wasps.
Friday evening was quite lively, as myself and my BB had a blazing row about an unpaid bill he'd hidden from me. I was exhausted after ranting for almost an hour, so took to my Argos bed, leaving him sulking on my Ikea sofa.
Trying to get back into my good books on Saturday morning, the BB suggested a trip to Pricepounders. O-kaaay. I eventually relented as their packs of Marks and Spencer T-shirts, seconds, with the labels cut off, was too good an offer to pass up at three for a fiver.
On Sunday, though, everything hit the fan. My eleven rescued thoroughbred unicorns all came down with dandruff and my dogs, Malcolm and Maureen, developed a severe case of hard pad. Not only that, an electrical fault in my palatial walk-in wardrobe had triggered a small fire that totally wiped out my entire Dior collection. And if that wasn't enough, the wife of my world-renowned, fabulously wealthy and devastatingly handsome plastic surgeon lover found out about our three-year affair and has gone to the papers.
And then I woke up.
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Old 22-05-2013, 14:49
sunstone
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CC.somewhere between this and the carp she writes lies the truth.

She has boy scouts in shorts sitting on her own bridge over her own waterfall eating sandwiches
.We are back to her overdoing the Enid Blyton and Anna Sewell booksshe read as a child.

All the animal abuse stories are so disturbing,poor dog ( if she ever did exist).
I have said before,I know nothing of horses but I do know they need a lot of care. Is it right to leave them shoeless and constantly getting infections?

As far as I care she can go """"" with her imaginary anorexia and imaginary boyfriends .
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Old 23-05-2013, 12:32
Paula Panzer
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CC.somewhere between this and the carp she writes lies the truth.

She has boy scouts in shorts sitting on her own bridge over her own waterfall eating sandwiches
.We are back to her overdoing the Enid Blyton and Anna Sewell booksshe read as a child.

All the animal abuse stories are so disturbing,poor dog ( if she ever did exist).
I have said before,I know nothing of horses but I do know they need a lot of care. Is it right to leave them shoeless and constantly getting infections?

As far as I care she can go """"" with her imaginary anorexia and imaginary boyfriends .
Sunstone, although I can find a lot to criticise in Liz's "care" for her animals, letting the horses go shoeless is not necessarily a problem. If, as it seems, they are not ridden much, if at all, there is no reason for them to be shod. Shoes are primarily to prevent damage to the feet when horses are worked on hard or stony surfaces. If the horses are kept in stables and on fields and not worked on the roads there is no real need for shoes. It goes without saying that the feet should be regularly picked out to remove dirt and stones, and trimmed at approximately six-week intervals. If looked after properly there should be little risk of infection. I was, however horrified that Liz should apply cream to a wound she described as nasty, then turn the horse out with no dressing on the wound.
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Old 23-05-2013, 15:28
sunstone
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Thank you for the reply Paula,
I know horses don't have to have shoes ( or there would be no wild ones ! ) With LJ sometimes she claims to ride the horse other times not,who knows? ,but the poor animal keeps getting laminitis so something is wrong here.
You are completely right about the injury, if I had a cut on my own leg ,I would not put nappyrash cream on it and go into a field with it uncovered. The bliddy woman is a liability.

( I know sudocrem has multiple uses as I use it on my eczema,but it is hardly a veterinary tool.)
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Old 23-05-2013, 17:45
CollieComber
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On the plus side, we haven't been subjected to quite so much drivel as usual this week in the fashion stakes... though I understand that she is hotly tipping the bustle to be this autumn's big hit, with the neck-ruff being a must have for Michaelmas!
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Old 26-05-2013, 07:39
sunstone
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I know she is a fantasist, and a total cow but the farticle today is just bliddy sick!

Actually following the tragedy in Woolwich and the Oklahoma disaster, I was expecting some guff about how she was " shot at" by yokels or how the wind in Yorkshire is terrifying.

We get instead some carp about a sexual assault aged 9.

What horrified me however is that she says "If I were lucky enough to have a child, I would realise they can't be left outside, alone, to play when they are five" "and I would tell my child how to protect herself"


This coming when the trial of Mark Bridger is ongoing.

I doubt April's parents read this tripe, but I agree with India Knight, the woman is a c*** !
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Old 26-05-2013, 08:12
offtotheraces
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Someone else said this in the thread (which I lurk in, but feel others leave far wittier comments than I ever could ) but I think Liz Jones is ill. I think you would have to be to write what she writes even if she's just trolling.

The whole Mail operation is sick though, so it fits that she's with them. Like attracts like.
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Old 26-05-2013, 12:22
Mrs BBV
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Who is the public figure and mother who accused Lis Jones of bestiality and of being a rancid c*** not in jail?

Anyone know?



Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/ar...#ixzz2UOeS95A6


Just seen in post above it was India Knight......anyone know the context?
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Old 26-05-2013, 12:28
GloriaMundi
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It's India Knight

http://www.standard.co.uk/news/londo...s-8009560.html

Apparently they used to be good friends at one time!
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Old 26-05-2013, 12:30
Mrs BBV
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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/ar...ee-speech.html

Oh it's a bitch fight between female journalists.
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