boyfriend problem
rockerchick
Posts: 9,255 Forum Member
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Please be kind as i am a bit embarrassed and upset about the situation.
I think my boyfriend of one month is cheating on me.
I'm 21 and he's 22.
We met on a dating site:o and were talking for some time on the dating site and then we added each other on Facebook and then i eventually gave him my number before we decided to meet then we hit it off right away and got together which was just short of a month ago.
A week ago i started getting a bad feeling about him, i wasn't sure what it was exactly but i'm usually right about these things but i let this bad feeling go.
Quite a few women popped up on my news feed on Facebook writing on his wall, including one that said how are you miss you xx. But i didn't think anything of it as he said he had a lot of female friends.
He doesn't know that many round here as he does where he's come from (to my knowledge) so although we've been out places in public together i have a feeling he hasn't told anyone about me.
One time we were meant to be meeting in an hour and going out for something to eat after he had popped back to his house and i didn't hear anything for a few hours despite me texting and ringing and then when it was too late he text back saying he didn't hear his phone because he was playing his play station and i suggested he should have checked it when he knew we were meeting (especially for something to eat so me sat at home getting more hungry waiting for him) and i got a reply saying that he just didn't check his phone and told me to chill out and i said to him not to speak to me like that again as what i suggested was perfectly reasonable; nothing else was mentioned after that.
So at this point i was beginning to think it was just me obsessing about nothing. But i still had this nagging doubt in my mind that something wasn't right but i had no idea why.
So this is the important part of the story: I made a fake profile on the dating site and messaged him:o and he replied. A few messages later i asked him (from the fake profile) what he was looking for on the site and he replied with ''dating and maybe more see how things go i guess, im not completely sure''
I just sent one back saying kind of the same thing.
I keep thinking there must be some innocent explanation for this but i can't think of one.
How should i handle this?
I think my boyfriend of one month is cheating on me.
I'm 21 and he's 22.
We met on a dating site:o and were talking for some time on the dating site and then we added each other on Facebook and then i eventually gave him my number before we decided to meet then we hit it off right away and got together which was just short of a month ago.
A week ago i started getting a bad feeling about him, i wasn't sure what it was exactly but i'm usually right about these things but i let this bad feeling go.
Quite a few women popped up on my news feed on Facebook writing on his wall, including one that said how are you miss you xx. But i didn't think anything of it as he said he had a lot of female friends.
He doesn't know that many round here as he does where he's come from (to my knowledge) so although we've been out places in public together i have a feeling he hasn't told anyone about me.
One time we were meant to be meeting in an hour and going out for something to eat after he had popped back to his house and i didn't hear anything for a few hours despite me texting and ringing and then when it was too late he text back saying he didn't hear his phone because he was playing his play station and i suggested he should have checked it when he knew we were meeting (especially for something to eat so me sat at home getting more hungry waiting for him) and i got a reply saying that he just didn't check his phone and told me to chill out and i said to him not to speak to me like that again as what i suggested was perfectly reasonable; nothing else was mentioned after that.
So at this point i was beginning to think it was just me obsessing about nothing. But i still had this nagging doubt in my mind that something wasn't right but i had no idea why.
So this is the important part of the story: I made a fake profile on the dating site and messaged him:o and he replied. A few messages later i asked him (from the fake profile) what he was looking for on the site and he replied with ''dating and maybe more see how things go i guess, im not completely sure''
I just sent one back saying kind of the same thing.
I keep thinking there must be some innocent explanation for this but i can't think of one.
How should i handle this?
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Comments
End it. Now. Unless you have entered into an agreed casual/non exclusive relationship.
You don't trust him and are in the process of gathering evidence to support your mistrust. No good can come of continuing.
You can do better.
From the messaging aspect, its clear he's maybe not as serious about things as you would like. I think you need to clarify what your relationship status is.
Having said that, anyone who made a date with me for within the hour, then ignored my calls and messages and blamed it on such a crap excuse wouldn't hear from again.
Thanks for your reply, i just think it would be foolish to trust someone straight away, that's all.
We haven't agreed to have a casual/non exclusive relationship.
It's just that i have had a lot of trouble keeping relationships this year. Most of them have only lasted a couple of weeks because i have felt trapped and gone off the person very quickly. But not this guy, it was going so incredibly well (despite the things i mentioned)
But have you agreed that you are having an exclusive one?
For instance we were laying on couch together talking the other day and he said something about a celebrity been really hot to me (or something) and i just jokingly said hey what about me and he replied with it's not like i'm going to do anything about it (if that makes any sense to the point i'm trying to make)
You are probably quite nice looking because he carried on going out with you after meeting you so you probably have no need to be like that. Relax a bit, chill out and take a bit of time to grow up, and go out with a few more blokes.
But meeting someone on a dating website is a different proposition to meeting someone in real life imo. People are on them for all kinds of reasons and often start off by going on dates with multiple people.
I know for a lot of people it does not need saying, but for a lot of others it does. People have different perceptions of relationships and where they are.
His comment re the celeb could simply have meant it is not like she is about to try it on with him, rather than a declaration of being exclusive.
Perhaps you need to have that talk now? Although the fact you have already gone to such lengths to catch him out rather than speak to him about your concerns and ask where you stand seems to indicate that you are going to find it hard to ever trust him...
My reason for being on there is that i find it hard to meet people in real life. I have only lived here for 5 and a half months and the people that i do know here i just talk to and haven't seen for some time, so i wouldn't call them friends really.
I have really bad anxiety and on the first time i went to meet this guy i had to force myself to go out the door.
It was just a thought to consider that not everyone will work by the same rules when it comes to the levels of a relationship and if their is any doubt you need to be explicit.
What's more worrying is your apparent insecurity and trust issues that would make you set up a fake profile to catch him out - and the comment you made about him commenting on a celebrity. Until you resolve those I don't think you are going to have much success with relationships because you are going to come across as too needy.
If the guy really liked you he wouldn't be sitting at home playing on his Xbox instead of taking you out - I'd move on.
I get the feeling he's not really into you. If you don't like the way things are going I'd call it a day if I were you; I doubt he'd be bothered.
I also agree with judge mental about you coming across as needy and insecure. Probably best to try and sort those out because they can be offputting.
sounds like he wanted another notch on his bedpost
This is the crux of the matter, your anxiety and where it leads you. Could a lot of your worries be the result of your anxious nature.
You have known this guy a mere few weeks.A bit soon to become exclusive, you hardly know him.Making fake profiles is a bit stalkerish really. and it was never going to bode well.If he finds out, he will not be impressed..
A lot of people on internet dating sites are just after sex really not commitment.Take this easy, be relaxed.Get to know him as a person.He is a stranger really, so leave sex out of it.Think of him as a friend for now.This will alleviate the pressure and the anxiety you feel .
If he is just after sex, he will soon leave and if he is genuine he will hang around.But its early days no need for all this drama and hype .Do you need drama to stay interested in a guy.
You come across a bit possessive and needy, and maybe its because you have few friends and are lonely..Join a club about something you like, you will meet similar people to yourself and its a much better way to meet a compatible partner than the net.
Build up your confidence and self worth, eat well and exercise regularly.Forget what this guy is doing or what he thinks, start making a life for yourself.Make yourself a priority not him.
Imo his interest in you is minimal and you are too taken up with pleasing him.He probably has several irons in the fire and you are not topping the list.No man will make your happy, your own attitude and thoughts do that. Make it a new year promise to seek new interests and new friends and drop anyone who disrespects you aka this guy.
Even assuming you are not exclusive and you are happy with that he was rude an inconsiderate about the date. He made arrangements then ignored you on the night leaving you hanging. Not hearing his phone is just not good enough as he knew he had made an arrangement....how did he think plans were going to be firmed up for the evening?
You dont trust him and have gone to the lengths of making up a fake profile to test him which raises questions in itself, disregarding the fact that he failed the test you set.
He isnt taking what you have as seriously as you are. He is clearly keeping his options open and from his behaviour over the date that would be a good enough reason for me to move on. You are on to a loser I'm afraid.
I do think it is best to assume that it is not a relationship until either you have had a conversation that you are exclusive / in a relationship as such, or unless sufficient time has passed with the person being decent to you and obviously not interested in other people (and a month isn't long enough)... personally I would rather rely on the former option so that I knew where I stood.
It sounds like you really like this guy but maybe that you are looking for something different to him? He perhaps wants something casual initially and he might commit to you later... but then on the other hand, he might not... If that is not what you are out for or not something you can deal with then perhaps you should consider whether this is going anywhere at all.
Good luck.