Friend who is flaky
![[Deleted User]](https://we.vanillicon.com/v2/eecf91f98a82bdd6392296340734710f.svg)
[Deleted User]
Posts: 1,397 Forum Member
✭✭✭
This person is a very good friend - I really value her friendship, and she's a great person to have around.
She's struggled in the past with stress, and I've always gone out of my way to be there for her and support her. Recently she had family problems, so I went and stayed with her and cooked for her every week until she felt a bit better.
She, in her own words, goes "off grid" when she feels low, and it's something which I know has distanced a few of her other friends, but I understand how she feels as I've been a bit like this in the past when I've been unhappy, so I like to think I'm quite tollerant of this and understanding.
When she's feeling ok and happy to go out, it's great - she recently got in touch about meeting up which I was really happy about after not having heard from her for a little while.
The thing that bothers me is that, regardless of whether she's up or down, I always make the effort to go to her. I've been with my other half now for 7 months+ and really happy - I've invited her to numerous things to meet him (as it's important to me) and she hasn't bothered... I know she doesn't always feel great, but she's happy enough to go out when it suits her. I suggested this week that she come down to the house for a relaxed evening and she said she'd have to see (i.e. won't be coming)... I feel like I'm sick of making the effort and accommodating her all the time.
What, if anything, should I do?
She's struggled in the past with stress, and I've always gone out of my way to be there for her and support her. Recently she had family problems, so I went and stayed with her and cooked for her every week until she felt a bit better.
She, in her own words, goes "off grid" when she feels low, and it's something which I know has distanced a few of her other friends, but I understand how she feels as I've been a bit like this in the past when I've been unhappy, so I like to think I'm quite tollerant of this and understanding.
When she's feeling ok and happy to go out, it's great - she recently got in touch about meeting up which I was really happy about after not having heard from her for a little while.
The thing that bothers me is that, regardless of whether she's up or down, I always make the effort to go to her. I've been with my other half now for 7 months+ and really happy - I've invited her to numerous things to meet him (as it's important to me) and she hasn't bothered... I know she doesn't always feel great, but she's happy enough to go out when it suits her. I suggested this week that she come down to the house for a relaxed evening and she said she'd have to see (i.e. won't be coming)... I feel like I'm sick of making the effort and accommodating her all the time.
What, if anything, should I do?
0
Comments
We've skirted around the issue of her being unreliable before (she's talked and I've listened...)
I don't really know what to do - part of me thinks perhaps I should just accept her the way she is and put up with it, but part of me gets really sick of not being able to arrange to meet up with her as I would with my other friends, or to be cancelled on at the last minute.
I know she's not happy, and I want to help. I've been in a similar situation to her (cutting people off) for various reasons (not because I didn't like them but because I was depressed and turned into a bit of a hermit.) It didn't make me any happier and distanced me from people who cared. I know that it's easy for me to say this with the benefit of hindsight....
Thanks Anette, great name by the way!
I suppose because I've worked really hard to become more confident and can see that it's a much nicer way to be, I can sometimes find it a little bit frustrating that she isn't. I know it's not her fault and I know that she's a good person and that everyone is different.
I think she worries far more about what people think than I do - she really takes things to heart, and doesn't handle stress terribly well. It has definitely affected her relationships with others because they just don't want to be friends with someone who is so unreliable. She gets really upset by this and even thinks that these people are being unreasonable for not accepting her the way she is.. I can see it from both sides so am slightly torn.
I think I'm already taking yoru advice to an extent - I always invite her to things (even if I know she won't come) and continue to keep in touch with her. She told me that she was doing lots of social things again recently, which made me think that she wouldn't mind making the effort to meet up on 'my territory', so to speak. I felt as though she was fine with meeting up until I suggested it be closer to where I live.
I hope I'm not being mean, but I do sometimes think she's a bit lazy and can't be bothered - it has to suit her.
pink`s advice is good also.
Thanks, Petunia.
I'll definitely say that it would mean a lot for her to meet my OH, because it really would.
I don't mind being 'the strong one' in terms of emotions in a friendship - I know she's always going to need support and I'm very happy to give it for purely altruistic reasons because I care if she's happy.
It's just one thing I'm asking of her - I think she will come and meet him as she knows it's important to me.
One of our mutual friends is notoriously difficult to deal with at times and is very 'holier than thou' when it comes to politics. My friend has really taken to heart the fact that at the moment, we both seem to be on her "I'm not speaking to them" list (because we didn't go to a rally!) I get really annoyed with our other friend but when she gets like this, I treat her as I would a naughty child - ignore it until she's ok again. My friend gets really upset and starts questioning whether she's a good person or not.
Aw, thank you so much, Annette! She is a lovely friend, too. My frustration is largely out of wanting to help her, not because I can't be bothered with her.
I hope you don't mind me asking, but how do you find these kind of situations?
i don`t mind at all, how do you mean? if i put myself in her shoes?
Thank you - yes, I think I mean if you put yourself in her shoes.
I think it's a kind of social anxiety that she has. I used to be quite anxious when I felt down, but I think that now I'm happier I'm pretty much ok.
When I'm feeling particularly frustrated I contemplate this, and
have gone a few weeks without texting/phoning, but ultimately I know she's quite vulnerable and needs friends. I also know she's grateful for my friendship because she has said as much, and I think it would be rather cruel to just cut her out.
I think maybe I am just going to have to accept she's unreliable, however it's exactly this that's making her unhappy and she can't seem to see it.
i tend to wait until people come to me also, not because i can`t be arsed but because i feel like an outsider pretty much everywhere and am fairly certain my presence isn`t required unless specifically asked for.
once i`m wherever it is i`m constantly checking for signs that i`m being irritating, getting in the way or outstaying my welcome, that gets pretty tiring. if it`s somewhere that i can`t get home easily from the minute i don`t feel right then i`ll think twice about going in the first place.
this applies to really simple stuff like popping round someone`s for a coffee [including my own kids] as well as more potentially stressful invites.
i think you`re right about it being some kind of social anxiety though not necessarily for shyness or lack of confidence [for example], i`m an extrovert:eek::eek:
Thank you so much for sharing this - she's not particularly shy, but is definitely concerned that people don't like her or that she's annoying them. When she mixes with people she doesn't click with, as we all do, she really worries about it and agonises over what she's done that could make them dislike her.
I definitely think she worries about being able to get home - where she lives is quite a cosy corner of London with lots of things that she likes, and she feels very comfortable there, so I think venturing outside of that area can sometimes be a bit intimidating.
my pleasure, i`m just happy to see that i`m not the only freak who feels that way:D:D [genuinely].
You're not a freak at all! The thing is, as much as I feel as though she's anxious and it's not great for her, it does make her very caring because she's quite in tune with when others are feeling low, etc.
yeah i completely get that too, i`m great when anyone`s on a bad trip hahahahaha. is she seeing any nut services?
Well, in a word, no. That's what really helped me, although I had a break of 10 years between sessions as didn't work at all for me first time (didn't want to go and felt pressured into doing it.)
She's mooted the idea, and I really feel it would help her to talk about all of the problems she has with her family to someone objective (and qualified), but I don't want to push it as she would probably get scared and be totally put off. I just keep reinforcing how it worked for me (only if she asks me about it.)
I couldn't agree more - and since she's talking about it, I'm pretty certain it's something she'll consider.
Personally, it really helped me to have a label - helped me deal with it more (I like to have all the information!) and now I can manage things much more easily. There were definitely external factors at the time which contributed massively to my mental health, but once I'd realised I was prone to something, I was able to 'take charge', if you like.
I always think its better to have a name or label for something ,Then you look it straight in the eye and face it head on and its easier to beat it then ,
I know - I think it really would help my friend, because she seems to be denying that she has a problem at the moment (classic burying head in the sand - I know it so well because I've been there and done it.)
I am a lot like you i.e. a giver, carer. Sometimes you have to take a step back and say this bit is not working for me and if she cannot give you what you want then make a decision about some sort of compromise, i.e. backing down with what you can offer her. As long as she always gets what she wants from you then she will continue to be pulling your strings. Time to stand up and be counted! I know you don't want to make her depression worse - it's not about caring for her less (make that clear) just that your needs should be met in a 2 way friendship also. If she can't honour that then something needs to give.
When I feel like that, the last thing I would want to do is to meet someone new, like a friends partner. I often can't even be around friends, but the more unfamiliar the person, the less comfortable I would be around them. When I feel like that, I need comfort, familiarity (sometimes only my husband), and no pressure from anyone.
Meeting someone new is not something I would put myself through if I felt like that, even if a friend wanted me to. In fact, if a friend repeatedly asked me to do something, and suggested I should do it because it means a lot to them, I would see that as pressure and emotional blackmail (it's an attempt to guilt trip the person into doing it, even though they don't want to).
I would then see that friend as a source of pressure, which is the opposite of what I would need, and it would make me less inclined to want to see the friend. I speak from experience on this.
I don't mean to be harsh. I can see you care about your friend. I am just letting you know about my experience.
It's not fair to use anxiety as an excuse for being unreliable in instances where you've agreed to meet up with her somewhere and she hasn't let you know.