Options
How to deal with a partner who's depressed?
I havent been on here much in recent times, but have run into some troubles I really could do with some advice on.
My fiance has seemed to recently become very depressed. The first I knew about this was last Friday when I came home from work and he was sitting in bed, when I asked if he was ok he burst into tears. When I tried to comfort him and ask what was wrong he said he didnt know why, but he keeps feeling really low and wanting to cry. Since then I can see every so often he is fighting not to cry, particularly when our kids are around.
Just to give a bit of background, he has some long term health problems, but that's under control, to the point he has been able to return to work about 4 months ago after being on long term sick for 4 years. However, he doesnt sleep well, normally from about 10pm- 2am then he is wide awake, so he is very tired alot of the time, sometimes he has to have a nap in the afternoon if he isnt working. He is also trying to give up smoking, and has cut down drastically in the last 3 weeks.
I know any of the above could be the cause of this sudden depression, and he is going to speak to his doctor about it, but has to wait for an appointment with his own doctor due to his health conditions. What i really need some advice on is how I can deal with this. Although when I think about it reasonably I know its gotta to be linked to one of the above, I can't help but think it's me and he doesn't want to be with me anymore and all other craziness (I am quite an insecure person and a worrier!). It's getting me down and it upsets me so much seeing him cry, but I don't want to let on to him how much it's upsetting me cos then he feels guilty for that, and I want to be able to support him through this.
Any advice or experience anyone has in this area would be very much appreciated. Thanks
My fiance has seemed to recently become very depressed. The first I knew about this was last Friday when I came home from work and he was sitting in bed, when I asked if he was ok he burst into tears. When I tried to comfort him and ask what was wrong he said he didnt know why, but he keeps feeling really low and wanting to cry. Since then I can see every so often he is fighting not to cry, particularly when our kids are around.
Just to give a bit of background, he has some long term health problems, but that's under control, to the point he has been able to return to work about 4 months ago after being on long term sick for 4 years. However, he doesnt sleep well, normally from about 10pm- 2am then he is wide awake, so he is very tired alot of the time, sometimes he has to have a nap in the afternoon if he isnt working. He is also trying to give up smoking, and has cut down drastically in the last 3 weeks.
I know any of the above could be the cause of this sudden depression, and he is going to speak to his doctor about it, but has to wait for an appointment with his own doctor due to his health conditions. What i really need some advice on is how I can deal with this. Although when I think about it reasonably I know its gotta to be linked to one of the above, I can't help but think it's me and he doesn't want to be with me anymore and all other craziness (I am quite an insecure person and a worrier!). It's getting me down and it upsets me so much seeing him cry, but I don't want to let on to him how much it's upsetting me cos then he feels guilty for that, and I want to be able to support him through this.
Any advice or experience anyone has in this area would be very much appreciated. Thanks
0
Comments
All I can advise is being available to talk to him should he wish to do so. But going to the GP is the first step and expect him to get some medication to help him through. However this can take a while to take effect or he may have to try a few different anti-depressants to get one to suit him.
But arguably the main thing is bringing it under control. Then perhaps he can seek counselling, or maybe it will pass. It's pretty hard to say.
Dave
All you can do is support him. It will be hard but if you ever need to talk to a stranger feel free to pm me. I've been through what you are going through, and still am to an extent.
In my experience it probably wont be "sudden depression" ... its something that builds up gradually over a long period of time - and he may have been suffering in silence for quite a while about it....
at least he is talking about it now - which is a good thing.
You're probably right, it's sudden to me cos he has been so happy recently, we got engaged xmas day and in general life has been good.
He suffered with depression prior to us being together, which was down to his health scare and suddently not being able to work, he found that really difficult to deal with.
Thanks for all your messages, I am going to try my hardest to be strong for him and support him as much as I can.
We went to the GP and she was offered anti-depressants and counselling, unfortunately it can take a while to get on the NHS.
It nearly tore us apart, I wrote my experiences on another thread a while back.
It sounds strange, but one thing that did help was walking, any aerobic exercise really as apparently it gets certain chemicals moving in the body.
When I could get her out we would do lots of walking and it did help a lot. We could take about things at the same time.
he said to me, the main thing he done was be there, he said it was heartbreaking for him to see my mum so down and know there was nothing he could do about it, but he had to put those feelings aside to be there and be someone to talk to if she wanted to talk, most of the time, he tried not to treat her any differently and she appreciated that
Always going to cheer anyone up
Bottom line, its not you, just be there for him and try and understand that sometimes he will just be very low for no apparent reason.:) chin up, its temporary.
Since you are by far the most important person in his life, you will get blame from him and many others. (He is miserable and one need look no further than you for the cause. It is baloney - he is miserable because he has a clinical depression which needs professional treatment - if it was your fault all you'd need to do is take him to a kind **** and I assure you that would not do anything at all.)
Remember this when people give you nice little bits of advice about buying a bunch of flowers for his bedroom or sitting him in the garden on a nice sunny day - who could be unhappy then? It's the same thing - if you are nice and almost kill yourself trying it would cure him so it is your fault you obviously arent trying. Baloney and stuff and nonsense.
Whatever they give by way of medication ought to help. Mild cases might take a year or three to recover but they do recover. In drastic cases such as our personal one it needed ECT which was a blessed relief after a few weeks, but that followed three hellish years. I thought I could really help but it was balderdash. You could not cure his diabetes and you can not cure his depression.
I've suffered with depression; my mum is bi-polar so I can see it from all angles and it's rarely the people around the depressed person but often lots of things that build up. For me the death of my mother in law; a traumatic time at work; a close friend emigrating and I think watching everyone else move on and me and my other half not doing do made me hit rockbottom. I think I struggled on for months before I got it sorted out. Even now, some 3 years later it's not always great but I still mark my days out of five. If I get to 2 then my husband knows I'm wobbly and I need to slow down.
Sleeping is an awful thing to tackle when depressed as the mind struggles to wind down and once awake the early hours are often when the worries hit home and there is a lack of a hormone at that hour that can cause problems - we all get it but others suffer more. When I found this out recently, it made me feel a tiny bit better knowing there was a reason! I might be useful for him to think about ways to sort out his sleepingby getting into the habit of bed early and cutting out the afternoon naps at the weekends. After my last IVF I was dead beat and sleeping in the afternoon and to get myself sorted out before I went back to work.
I would urge you to look at www.mind.org.uk
They were a huge help to me looking after my mum and gave me and my partner some tools to cope. If your partner is offered counselling then make sure he finds one that suits - I had two as the first just listened to be go on about how I needed to run away which was precisely what I should not do.
My last piece of advice is to encourage your partner to do things with you - maybe a walk to the park; a day out by the sea if you can do that - very small unchallenging things that will take him out of the house and stop him vegetating. I wonder if your partner is getting all the support he needs at work? If his only focus is the job then perhaps he's overworking trying to keep or reimpose himself in the job and whilst that's okay - maybe he needs a little more to occupy his mind. I am studying for an OU degree which sounds a lot but it's given me a focus, so does my art - I draw (as oppose to write!) a daily diary which is a tonic to me.
Good luck. With people like you and my husband in the world, believe me it makes it so much easier for people like me and your fella.
I don't mean to sound negative, but I really don't think there's a lot you can do. You're probably doing this already, but be patient with him, don't criticise him, tell him you love him and that you'll be there for him. Encourage him to keep doctor's appointments and take any medication and encourage him to seek counselling. Also encourage him to try and have some normality in his life, if he can manage it. Exercise is a wonderful treatment for depression if the ill person can be persuaded to do it.
Most importantly, look after yourself. See your family and friends and try and have a normal time.
Great advice and one that is now being followed by lots of mental health centres all over the country. There is an absolute link between physical exercise and increased mental wellbeing. And like Misha says - it doesn't have to be sweaty gym exercise - it can be something as simple as walking.
i really feel for you, op. i went through something similar 3 years ago when my husband suffered a breakdown.
just remember none of this is your fault. it's hard to believe sometimes, esp if your partner pushes you away, but thats the illness speaking, not your partner.
offer encouragement - your partner can and will get better with the right kind of support. tell them this. they may not believe you, but i'm sure it reaches them on some level.
look at diet. it might be a load of baloney, but we tried to reduce the amount of refined foods we ate, replacing them with wholegrain bread/pasta, fresh fruit/veg etc. it certainly can't do any harm
look after yourself. i made the mistake of trying to cope alone and not tell people what was happening. you need support/time out too.
read this book: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Depressive-Illness-Strong-Overcoming-Problems/dp/0859698963
it's one of the best i've read on the subject of depression. one of the best bits of advice in the book is not to push too hard during recovery. when my husband was recovering he'd often have days where he felt fine and full of energy, but he'd end up over doing it, thus setting his recovery back. balance is key.
hope this helps a bit. x
Please don't think it's anything to do with you - it isn't. I can see how you might think it is but if anything he's showing how much you mean to him by letting you into his world and showing you how he's feeling.
Seeing his GP is the first step and if you can go with him, all the better.
Be strong and supportive OP and he will feel much better knowing you are there, both physically and mentally
A close friend of mine had severe bouts of depression, and walking/fresh air definitely helps. Nothing worse than staring at the walls....
It has been a dull, wet winter this year and that can bring anyone down.