And at risk of slapping your other cheek Patsy, how depressingly common it is. When I eventually came out of the closet and told my story it was to a bunch of about 5 women who I didn't know very well. It turned out that 3 of the 5 of us had experienced similar incidents.
That is just so shocking
I've read this thread from the beginning. I have no advice - I'm very thankful that I've never had to deal with something like this - I can only imagine how awful it must be - I guess you simply have to be as supportive and caring as you can possibly be. The temptation to report/disclose is simply instinctive to bring about some sort of justice or retribution but really only the 'victim' has the right to bring that about I suppose.
I've read it through and can understand how torn you must feel Patsy, it's a terrible situation with no right answer.
I do hope your friend talks to her husband at some point though - keeping a secret like that is only going to create terrible tension, who knows how it will affect their personal life, her feelings towards him physically as well as emotionally, and surely a good marriage means telling the other person something like this. I imagine she'd want to know if he'd been raped.
I imagine she will tell him in time, it's early days - I hope she finds a way to come to terms with it, it must be so difficult for her.
Just be your friend's friend Patsy, like you already are being.
you can`t force someone to report a crime and certainly not a sexual attack, further, any pressurisation to do so would be wrong. if you want to be helpful you will just listen and support, not try and make someone do something they either don`t want to do or are not ready to.
I agree but then I think what if someone else suffers the same crime as a result of the perpetrator being free to do so again.
It's reassuring to see so many familiar 'faces' answering here; I feel like I've a DS group of friends. The three of us are meeting in the morning and she has arranged to go and meet with someone at the Rape Crisis Centre later in the week. They told her that she has done everything right so far - in terms of going to the GP, the SAU and ringing them. If she changes her mind, however long it takes, the evidence is there. Now we just have to take care of her and see how it goes.
Muggs, I see what you're saying but she's adamant that he's the kind of man who would never get over this and never look at her the same way again. It's early days, though, as so many of you have rightly said.
It's reassuring to see so many familiar 'faces' answering here; I feel like I've a DS group of friends. The three of us are meeting in the morning and she has arranged to go and meet with someone at the Rape Crisis Centre later in the week. They told her that she has done everything right so far - in terms of going to the GP, the SAU and ringing them. If she changes her mind, however long it takes, the evidence is there. Now we just have to take care of her and see how it goes.
Muggs, I see what you're saying but she's adamant that he's the kind of man who would never get over this and never look at her the same way again. It's early days, though, as so many of you have rightly said.
I have been married for 40 years - Mr Crayon is the kindest and most caring person you could wish to meet. I honestly don't know (if something like that happened to me) if I could tell him or share with him. It would destroy him and I don't think I could cope with the 'change' in our relationship.
I know 'honesty' is the key to any relationship but I do sort of see where your friend is coming from. It really is a life changer however you choose to deal with it.
Me too That was one thing my friend said several times yesterday - he's about a foot shorter than her ' why didn't I choke him' 'why didn't i scratch his eyes out' etc. etc. We (and the medical staff) kept telling her that she was in shock but she couldn't get her head around it.
When people get mugged in the street, for example, no one ever asks them why they didn't defend themselves. Only when it's rape.
I have been married for 40 years - Mr Crayon is the kindest and most caring person you could wish to meet. I honestly don't know (if something like that happened to me) if I could tell him or share with him. It would destroy him and I don't think I could cope with the 'change' in our relationship.
I know 'honesty' is the key to any relationship but I do sort of see where your friend is coming from. It really is a life changer however you choose to deal with it.
While I understand what you're saying, the problem is that this doesn't just go away. Her marriage could still be wrecked without telling her husband.
It's reassuring to see so many familiar 'faces' answering here; I feel like I've a DS group of friends. The three of us are meeting in the morning and she has arranged to go and meet with someone at the Rape Crisis Centre later in the week. They told her that she has done everything right so far - in terms of going to the GP, the SAU and ringing them. If she changes her mind, however long it takes, the evidence is there. Now we just have to take care of her and see how it goes.
Muggs, I see what you're saying but she's adamant that he's the kind of man who would never get over this and never look at her the same way again. It's early days, though, as so many of you have rightly said.
You are being a caring and good friend . So hold her hand , hug her and let her feel safe in the knowledge that her wishes will be honoured . Let her guide you and do as she asks . She needs to trust you and feel safe
I have been married for 40 years - Mr Crayon is the kindest and most caring person you could wish to meet. I honestly don't know (if something like that happened to me) if I could tell him or share with him. It would destroy him and I don't think I could cope with the 'change' in our relationship.
I know 'honesty' is the key to any relationship but I do sort of see where your friend is coming from. It really is a life changer however you choose to deal with it.
Yes its complex. Some men feel that something they own has been sullied and others feel massive guilt that they failed in their role as protector.
When people get mugged in the street, for example, no one ever asks them why they didn't defend themselves. Only when it's rape.
Thats true. And often irrespective of the crime it happens so quickly that your head doesn't catch up in time for you to react and defend even if it is practical.
I remember years ago witnessing a handbag stolen from the passenger seat of a car in front of us. We were at traffic lights and two guys who had been lurking by a building there rushed over opened the passenger door of the car in front. I saw them approach and my mind was wondering how they knew thier lift would stop at just that spot. By the time my brian had caught up they had grabbed a hand bag and scarpered. They ran literally past my car door and had been quick thinking I could have opened the door and knocked one of them over. But by the time I had realised what exactly I had seen they were away.
In addition to all the sensitive and constructive advice offered by all the other posters on this thread, I just need to make a suggestion for you to consider if you can.
As you know the perpetrator, someone in your network should link in with any future partner/s he may have and warn them. Because it's almost a certainty that he will do it again. Otherwise you all may end up feeling even worse.
It's reassuring to see so many familiar 'faces' answering here; I feel like I've a DS group of friends. The three of us are meeting in the morning and she has arranged to go and meet with someone at the Rape Crisis Centre later in the week. They told her that she has done everything right so far - in terms of going to the GP, the SAU and ringing them. If she changes her mind, however long it takes, the evidence is there. Now we just have to take care of her and see how it goes.
Muggs, I see what you're saying but she's adamant that he's the kind of man who would never get over this and never look at her the same way again. It's early days, though, as so many of you have rightly said.
Sorry to come back to this so late, not been well.
I understand what you're saying Patsy - I guess I'm just thinking long-term when it could be months, even years, before she can face having him touch her - even hug her - and him wondering what he did wrong, it could (I'm talking extreme example of course) lead to a complete breakdown of their marriage. I'm not saying that will happen, but it potentially could be a problem.
I don't think she's going to recover (mentally) as easily as she thinks she may, but then perhaps she is! Either way, I think she could be different with him in many small ways (less confident, more jumpy, less secure being alone, more irritable, on edge, all sorts of things), and he will not know why. The ramifications of that potentially could be very sad.
All 'could' not 'will' of course, but I was just thinking aloud really.
Like I said earlier, this doesn't just go away. My sister is still dealing with what happened to her many decades after the event. It's affected every relationship she's ever had. I think the repercussions of not telling the husband could be just as bad, if not worse than telling him.
Having said that, I do understand her concern; I used to be a volunteer at a rape crisis centre and one of the cases we looked at related to a woman who was raped at gunpoint. (I won't go into the gory details.) Afterwards her husband said, and I quote, "You should have taken the bullet". Then, of course, you have to ask yourself what kind of a man would take that attitude?
I think (and I have no evidence to support this) that any kind of assault is more difficult to recover from if it involves someone you know rather than a stranger. In a way it's not so shocking if a stranger causes harm to you, but if it's someone you know and trusted, then it's like a double whammy.
I thought I'd update this as posters were so helpful initially. Rumours have, apparently, started to gather speed about either one or two incidents involving this guy. One rumour was that he sexually assaulted a woman in her 40s. Could be our friend, or not. There are also rumours that he's spiking drinks. The most prescient rumour, however, is that he was taken in for questioning relating to some assault last week. All of this could be a mouse turning into an elephant in a small town - but it's got us all worried.
We had an 'emergency' meeting this evening, the three of us, and she has decided that she's going to go to the police station in a nearby town tomorrow (not the town where it happened, they'd all know her and she them). Both stations are connected though, so they should know if there's an investigation. Depending on that conversation, she's going to decide whether or not to sit her husband down and tell him everything. She says she's doing fine but she's not sleeping well and has been run down and physically unwell since it happened. I think it's getting a bit too much for her but she's petrified of the consequences of telling her husband.
She seems to have travelled on a bit, if that makes any sense; and said tonight that if someone else had the guts that she didn't have to report him, she's going to see just how much she'd have to do to corroborate this predatory menace. It's all kind of come back into sharp focus again for me today and I'm extremely anxious to find out what has happened by tomorrow evening. I'll update again then, though I don't know if anyone who previously contributed is going to see the thread as it was moved from GD to advice.
Thanks again to everyone who previously offered their advice.
I've read this thread from the beginning. I have no advice - I'm very thankful that I've never had to deal with something like this - I can only imagine how awful it must be - I guess you simply have to be as supportive and caring as you can possibly be. The temptation to report/disclose is simply instinctive to bring about some sort of justice or retribution but really only the 'victim' has the right to bring that about I suppose.
I've read it through and can understand how torn you must feel Patsy, it's a terrible situation with no right answer.
I do hope your friend talks to her husband at some point though - keeping a secret like that is only going to create terrible tension, who knows how it will affect their personal life, her feelings towards him physically as well as emotionally, and surely a good marriage means telling the other person something like this. I imagine she'd want to know if he'd been raped.
I imagine she will tell him in time, it's early days - I hope she finds a way to come to terms with it, it must be so difficult for her.
Just be your friend's friend Patsy, like you already are being.
Sorry to come back to this so late, not been well.
I understand what you're saying Patsy - I guess I'm just thinking long-term when it could be months, even years, before she can face having him touch her - even hug her - and him wondering what he did wrong, it could (I'm talking extreme example of course) lead to a complete breakdown of their marriage. I'm not saying that will happen, but it potentially could be a problem.
I don't think she's going to recover (mentally) as easily as she thinks she may, but then perhaps she is! Either way, I think she could be different with him in many small ways (less confident, more jumpy, less secure being alone, more irritable, on edge, all sorts of things), and he will not know why. The ramifications of that potentially could be very sad.
All 'could' not 'will' of course, but I was just thinking aloud really.
I hope things go well at the Rape Crisis Centre
Update - husband told. Reaction: better than expected. Friend gone into shutdown. Tells us OH responded really well but won't meet; doesn't want to talk about it; shutters have come down. She wants life to be exactly as it was; but it isn't, and she isn't. Her OH has been really good but is the silent type so it's not going to be ultra exploratory. And she's the type who's going to disappear into a book.
I don't know what to do because I think she's sinking into something that I don't understand.
Maybe I'm over-reacting and she just needs time - but the silence is hard to take. She's been effusive in her thanks and I know it's genuine. I just don't now how to react to her saying she's fine and she doesn't want to talk about it. Maybe she's right? Maybe we need to allow her to forget and move on?
Update - husband told. Reaction: better than expected. Friend gone into shutdown. Tells us OH responded really well but won't meet; doesn't want to talk about it; shutters have come down. She wants life to be exactly as it was; but it isn't, and she isn't. Her OH has been really good but is the silent type so it's not going to be ultra exploratory. And she's the type who's going to disappear into a book.
I don't know what to do because I think she's sinking into something that I don't understand.
Maybe I'm over-reacting and she just needs time - but the silence is hard to take. She's been effusive in her thanks and I know it's genuine. I just don't now how to react to her saying she's fine and she doesn't want to talk about it. Maybe she's right? Maybe we need to allow her to forget and move on?
Patsy, you can't force her to talk to you - people react in different ways. If she starts to feel pressured, she may start pushing you away, which is the very last thing you want, I know that.
Tell her to take her time about it all, and that if or when she wants to talk you'll be there for her. Tell her you'll be there for her OH if you want to, if it'll help. Leaving the door open for her (and her OH) will mean a heck of a lot more to her. You might even find she opens up to you sooner if you don't pressure her.
So, for now, act like your usual friendly self with her - as if it had never happened, sort of thing. I know it's a big thing on your own mind, too, but she's the priority (as I'm sure you're aware). I've got personal experience of being pressured to talk, and I know how it made me feel, and maybe I'm not representative of the whole population (as much as I'd like to think otherwise ) but still, I think it's valid in a way.
Good luck - I think you're a very good friend to have around. x
Update - husband told. Reaction: better than expected. Friend gone into shutdown. Tells us OH responded really well but won't meet; doesn't want to talk about it; shutters have come down. She wants life to be exactly as it was; but it isn't, and she isn't. Her OH has been really good but is the silent type so it's not going to be ultra exploratory. And she's the type who's going to disappear into a book.
I don't know what to do because I think she's sinking into something that I don't understand.
Maybe I'm over-reacting and she just needs time - but the silence is hard to take. She's been effusive in her thanks and I know it's genuine. I just don't now how to react to her saying she's fine and she doesn't want to talk about it. Maybe she's right? Maybe we need to allow her to forget and move on?
Oh dear Patsy. I feel for you I really do. So hard to know what to do for the best and as we don't know the person in question difficult to know what to suggest.
When you say she has gone into shut down do you mean totally? I mean is it just this subject she is avoiding or has she shut you out altogether?
If, as I am interpreting, the former, i.e. she is maintaining a distant relationship with you but has made it clear the subject is a no go area; my instinct would be not to try to open up the topic. It might be she is avoiding meeting because she feels that she will be forced to talk and to avoid that is keeping away.
I think I would be inclined just to keep close to her, be a friend in the ordinary sense and let her know that you are always there if she wants to talk about it and that door is open at any time but the control over that is hers. So I am thinking the occassional text/FB/E-mail/ voice mail whatever saying thinking of you or how are you? or fancy a coffee? But make it clear you won't press her on the subject if that is her wish.
I suppose people differ. It maybe she has come to terms with this and reached a point of acceptance. If this is the case then maybe she really doesn't need to talk about it anymore and it is time for her to let it go and move on. It might be worth looking at the bereavement curve to see if that gives you any clues about how well she has dealt with it. I have a hunch the process will be similar.
On the other hand I guess you fear that she just internalises the feelings in a self destructive sort of way. I guess all you can do there Patsy is to stick close to her to help her pick up the pieces if and when needed/asked. That may mean biting your tongue a lot because if you push where she doesn't want to go you may alienate her and she may cut herself off completely That seems to me to be the biggest danger.
I am drawing on my Sams/Nightline training rather here Patsy, which is going back quite some time now. However one thing that was drummed in was that nobody, no matter how much it is needed or how well intended can live another's life. Unfortunately you can't stop anyone doing anything or feeling what they feel or handling that badly. That is really frustrating but you probably need to accept that both to protect yourself and to be in the best position to step into help her if she asks or appears willing to accept help. But sadly you can't force help where its not welcome. You have indicated there is another friend involved other than the 'victim' (hate that word in this context). You and she probably need to support each other as a separate endeavour to be there for the friend.
My advice for whats it is worth Patsy would be to; resist your own indignation, remember that it is about her and her wishes. Trust your own natural instincts and common sense which from your posting history I would say are more than up to the job. And to remember to take care of yourself too - who counsels the counsellor? is a phrase that is popping into my head right now.
Patsy, you can't force her to talk to you - people react in different ways. If she starts to feel pressured, she may start pushing you away, which is the very last thing you want, I know that.
Tell her to take her time about it all, and that if or when she wants to talk you'll be there for her. Tell her you'll be there for her OH if you want to, if it'll help. Leaving the door open for her (and her OH) will mean a heck of a lot more to her. You might even find she opens up to you sooner if you don't pressure her.
So, for now, act like your usual friendly self with her - as if it had never happened, sort of thing. I know it's a big thing on your own mind, too, but she's the priority (as I'm sure you're aware). I've got personal experience of being pressured to talk, and I know how it made me feel, and maybe I'm not representative of the whole population (as much as I'd like to think otherwise ) but still, I think it's valid in a way.
Good luck - I think you're a very good friend to have around. x
I agree with An and Relly. Your friend may feel that she doesn't want to talk about it with you and your friend as she's just had enough of talking about it too. She may feel that, if it's always the topic of conversation, that she's always the victim in the room who never gets to chat about the weather, TV, be normal and just get on, then she may never get on!
It may be that, in time after she's had some space and been alone with her thoughts, alone with her husband and gone some time dealing with it in her own way - which may not be your way - and trying to bring some normality to her life in whichever way she can grab it, she may eventually find herself wanting to talk about it when it's less 'raw'. She needs to know that then, when it's her choice and she broaches the subject, you are there for her.
It may be that trying to attain some normality in her life is keeping her together and that she thinks that it's now the only subject anybody who knows about it is ever going to talk about, meaning she can't feel that she's getting a chance to try to put it behind her.
Be there for her when she needs you, that's all you can do, and let her know that you understand her decisions (even if perhaps you don't!).
Comments
That is just so shocking
I've read this thread from the beginning. I have no advice - I'm very thankful that I've never had to deal with something like this - I can only imagine how awful it must be - I guess you simply have to be as supportive and caring as you can possibly be. The temptation to report/disclose is simply instinctive to bring about some sort of justice or retribution but really only the 'victim' has the right to bring that about I suppose.
Shocking.
I do hope your friend talks to her husband at some point though - keeping a secret like that is only going to create terrible tension, who knows how it will affect their personal life, her feelings towards him physically as well as emotionally, and surely a good marriage means telling the other person something like this. I imagine she'd want to know if he'd been raped.
I imagine she will tell him in time, it's early days - I hope she finds a way to come to terms with it, it must be so difficult for her.
Just be your friend's friend Patsy, like you already are being.
I agree but then I think what if someone else suffers the same crime as a result of the perpetrator being free to do so again.
Muggs, I see what you're saying but she's adamant that he's the kind of man who would never get over this and never look at her the same way again. It's early days, though, as so many of you have rightly said.
I have been married for 40 years - Mr Crayon is the kindest and most caring person you could wish to meet. I honestly don't know (if something like that happened to me) if I could tell him or share with him. It would destroy him and I don't think I could cope with the 'change' in our relationship.
I know 'honesty' is the key to any relationship but I do sort of see where your friend is coming from. It really is a life changer however you choose to deal with it.
When people get mugged in the street, for example, no one ever asks them why they didn't defend themselves. Only when it's rape.
While I understand what you're saying, the problem is that this doesn't just go away. Her marriage could still be wrecked without telling her husband.
You are being a caring and good friend . So hold her hand , hug her and let her feel safe in the knowledge that her wishes will be honoured . Let her guide you and do as she asks . She needs to trust you and feel safe
Yes its complex. Some men feel that something they own has been sullied and others feel massive guilt that they failed in their role as protector.
Thats true. And often irrespective of the crime it happens so quickly that your head doesn't catch up in time for you to react and defend even if it is practical.
I remember years ago witnessing a handbag stolen from the passenger seat of a car in front of us. We were at traffic lights and two guys who had been lurking by a building there rushed over opened the passenger door of the car in front. I saw them approach and my mind was wondering how they knew thier lift would stop at just that spot. By the time my brian had caught up they had grabbed a hand bag and scarpered. They ran literally past my car door and had been quick thinking I could have opened the door and knocked one of them over. But by the time I had realised what exactly I had seen they were away.
As you know the perpetrator, someone in your network should link in with any future partner/s he may have and warn them. Because it's almost a certainty that he will do it again. Otherwise you all may end up feeling even worse.
I'm strapping into my time machine right now - pressing the button - to see where I'll end up.;-)
Sorry to come back to this so late, not been well.
I understand what you're saying Patsy - I guess I'm just thinking long-term when it could be months, even years, before she can face having him touch her - even hug her - and him wondering what he did wrong, it could (I'm talking extreme example of course) lead to a complete breakdown of their marriage. I'm not saying that will happen, but it potentially could be a problem.
I don't think she's going to recover (mentally) as easily as she thinks she may, but then perhaps she is! Either way, I think she could be different with him in many small ways (less confident, more jumpy, less secure being alone, more irritable, on edge, all sorts of things), and he will not know why. The ramifications of that potentially could be very sad.
All 'could' not 'will' of course, but I was just thinking aloud really.
I hope things go well at the Rape Crisis Centre
Having said that, I do understand her concern; I used to be a volunteer at a rape crisis centre and one of the cases we looked at related to a woman who was raped at gunpoint. (I won't go into the gory details.) Afterwards her husband said, and I quote, "You should have taken the bullet". Then, of course, you have to ask yourself what kind of a man would take that attitude?
I think (and I have no evidence to support this) that any kind of assault is more difficult to recover from if it involves someone you know rather than a stranger. In a way it's not so shocking if a stranger causes harm to you, but if it's someone you know and trusted, then it's like a double whammy.
We had an 'emergency' meeting this evening, the three of us, and she has decided that she's going to go to the police station in a nearby town tomorrow (not the town where it happened, they'd all know her and she them). Both stations are connected though, so they should know if there's an investigation. Depending on that conversation, she's going to decide whether or not to sit her husband down and tell him everything. She says she's doing fine but she's not sleeping well and has been run down and physically unwell since it happened. I think it's getting a bit too much for her but she's petrified of the consequences of telling her husband.
She seems to have travelled on a bit, if that makes any sense; and said tonight that if someone else had the guts that she didn't have to report him, she's going to see just how much she'd have to do to corroborate this predatory menace. It's all kind of come back into sharp focus again for me today and I'm extremely anxious to find out what has happened by tomorrow evening. I'll update again then, though I don't know if anyone who previously contributed is going to see the thread as it was moved from GD to advice.
Thanks again to everyone who previously offered their advice.
Update - husband told. Reaction: better than expected. Friend gone into shutdown. Tells us OH responded really well but won't meet; doesn't want to talk about it; shutters have come down. She wants life to be exactly as it was; but it isn't, and she isn't. Her OH has been really good but is the silent type so it's not going to be ultra exploratory. And she's the type who's going to disappear into a book.
I don't know what to do because I think she's sinking into something that I don't understand.
Maybe I'm over-reacting and she just needs time - but the silence is hard to take. She's been effusive in her thanks and I know it's genuine. I just don't now how to react to her saying she's fine and she doesn't want to talk about it. Maybe she's right? Maybe we need to allow her to forget and move on?
Patsy, you can't force her to talk to you - people react in different ways. If she starts to feel pressured, she may start pushing you away, which is the very last thing you want, I know that.
Tell her to take her time about it all, and that if or when she wants to talk you'll be there for her. Tell her you'll be there for her OH if you want to, if it'll help. Leaving the door open for her (and her OH) will mean a heck of a lot more to her. You might even find she opens up to you sooner if you don't pressure her.
So, for now, act like your usual friendly self with her - as if it had never happened, sort of thing. I know it's a big thing on your own mind, too, but she's the priority (as I'm sure you're aware). I've got personal experience of being pressured to talk, and I know how it made me feel, and maybe I'm not representative of the whole population (as much as I'd like to think otherwise
Good luck - I think you're a very good friend to have around. x
Oh dear Patsy. I feel for you I really do. So hard to know what to do for the best and as we don't know the person in question difficult to know what to suggest.
When you say she has gone into shut down do you mean totally? I mean is it just this subject she is avoiding or has she shut you out altogether?
If, as I am interpreting, the former, i.e. she is maintaining a distant relationship with you but has made it clear the subject is a no go area; my instinct would be not to try to open up the topic. It might be she is avoiding meeting because she feels that she will be forced to talk and to avoid that is keeping away.
I think I would be inclined just to keep close to her, be a friend in the ordinary sense and let her know that you are always there if she wants to talk about it and that door is open at any time but the control over that is hers. So I am thinking the occassional text/FB/E-mail/ voice mail whatever saying thinking of you or how are you? or fancy a coffee? But make it clear you won't press her on the subject if that is her wish.
I suppose people differ. It maybe she has come to terms with this and reached a point of acceptance. If this is the case then maybe she really doesn't need to talk about it anymore and it is time for her to let it go and move on. It might be worth looking at the bereavement curve to see if that gives you any clues about how well she has dealt with it. I have a hunch the process will be similar.
On the other hand I guess you fear that she just internalises the feelings in a self destructive sort of way. I guess all you can do there Patsy is to stick close to her to help her pick up the pieces if and when needed/asked. That may mean biting your tongue a lot because if you push where she doesn't want to go you may alienate her and she may cut herself off completely That seems to me to be the biggest danger.
I am drawing on my Sams/Nightline training rather here Patsy, which is going back quite some time now. However one thing that was drummed in was that nobody, no matter how much it is needed or how well intended can live another's life. Unfortunately you can't stop anyone doing anything or feeling what they feel or handling that badly. That is really frustrating but you probably need to accept that both to protect yourself and to be in the best position to step into help her if she asks or appears willing to accept help. But sadly you can't force help where its not welcome. You have indicated there is another friend involved other than the 'victim' (hate that word in this context). You and she probably need to support each other as a separate endeavour to be there for the friend.
My advice for whats it is worth Patsy would be to; resist your own indignation, remember that it is about her and her wishes. Trust your own natural instincts and common sense which from your posting history I would say are more than up to the job. And to remember to take care of yourself too - who counsels the counsellor? is a phrase that is popping into my head right now.
Hear hear.
It may be that, in time after she's had some space and been alone with her thoughts, alone with her husband and gone some time dealing with it in her own way - which may not be your way - and trying to bring some normality to her life in whichever way she can grab it, she may eventually find herself wanting to talk about it when it's less 'raw'. She needs to know that then, when it's her choice and she broaches the subject, you are there for her.
It may be that trying to attain some normality in her life is keeping her together and that she thinks that it's now the only subject anybody who knows about it is ever going to talk about, meaning she can't feel that she's getting a chance to try to put it behind her.
Be there for her when she needs you, that's all you can do, and let her know that you understand her decisions (even if perhaps you don't!).