Brilliant thread! I was feeling a bit rubbish this morning until I came on here and read this. I haven't laughed so much in ages!!! Cheers for the laugh Biffo!!
Thanks Biffo - this may be an old thread but it had me crying with laughter my sides were aching
Many years ago I had to have an enema before an operation, I can still remember lying in that room in the hospital with stomach pain and and uncontrollable urge to go and the immortal words from the nurse "the toilet is at the end of the corridor" I had to walk with my legs plaited barely able to contain myself - I honestly thought I was going to die!
Well, you get this two litre vinyl bag, a long tube with a very thin insertion nozzle (phew), a vaginal attachment and a rubber hook so you can hang it up! I've been out to the chemist to buy some lubricant, so I'm good to go!
I'm just kind of getting myself prepared. The only thing that's ever been up there before was a morphine suppository and my ex-girlfriends fingertip during the throes of passion (I nearly hit the celiing when she did it; it was wild!).
So just to hack people off who didn't find the thread funny - I did! - I received this in email today, which seems to be most apt in this thread. Not as funny as Biffo, but a close second.
ABOUT THE WRITER......
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthetist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthetist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realised that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, and check-ups every few years are essential for 40 years & older. These comments during the exam were quite humorous.... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
>>
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Made me smile
I literally have tears pouring down my face. This is one of the funniest things I've ever read.
it is not a stupid thread. It is a detailed account of Biffo's Home Colonic Irrigation Kit. Appreciated by many, it will go down in history as one of the greatest threads on DS of all time
Thank you whoever bumped this thread, I have had such a laugh And this post from Lemonhunny, absolutely brilliant... I have sent it to my brother to cheer him up
So just to hack people off who didn't find the thread funny - I did! - I received this in email today, which seems to be most apt in this thread. Not as funny as Biffo, but a close second.
ABOUT THE WRITER......
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthetist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthetist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realised that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, and check-ups every few years are essential for 40 years & older. These comments during the exam were quite humorous.... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
>>
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
it is not a stupid thread. It is a detailed account of Biffo's Home Colonic Irrigation Kit. Appreciated by many, it will go down in history as one of the greatest threads on DS of all time
To me it reeks of attention seeking. Why would anyone come onto a public forum and announce to everyone that they're getting a pipe shoved up their ass?
That is seriously embarrassing and it is now used as entertainment. What if one of the OP's friends or relatives were to stumble across this?
It is a detailed account of Biffo's Home Colonic Irrigation Kit
So you want to know how the pipe went up him, sucked out the nasty and cleared his a**hole?
To me it reeks of attention seeking. Why would anyone come onto a public forum and announce to everyone that they're getting a pipe shoved up their ass?
That is seriously embarrassing and it is now used as entertainment. What if one of the OP's friends or relatives were to stumble across this?
So you want to know how the pipe went up him, sucked out the nasty and cleared his a**hole?
There was a request that Biffo posted this on YouTube as there were members here who wanted that info in fine detail:D
I remember seeing a documentary one time years ago where there was this woman who used to give herself coffee colonics lol. What was disgusting was she used to put the funnel and some other bits in her dishwasher . Needless to say I wouldn't be taking tea or coffee in her house lol.
Right, I've done some pretty weird things in the name of curiosity and entertainment, but this one is definitely up there with the most mental, perhaps even the time that I was dared to smoke some really strong Salvia, and had an out of body experience.
Read on for details.....
This is the shield of niceness.. down below layeth the stink:
Okeydokey. Made sure everything was clean, filled the bag with lukewarm water, lay down on my left side, lubed up and popped it in! It wasn't as nice as when my ex stuck her finger up there.. but I suppose the circumstances were slightly different.
Right, I turned on the little tap, and away it went, the waters started to flow. I noticed a bit of leakage, but put this down to poor posture, and so pulled up my right leg. The water was taking AGES to go down, and so I figured that it needed to be raised higher. Unfortunately that little hook hanger on a suction cup that comes with the kit is shite, and so I had to raise it as high as possible with my hand.
After doing this, the water started going down really quick, and I felt my gut gonig a bit weird. As per my laptop posts, it feels like when you've got the runs and you can only just about hold it in.
Well, the water all went in, and as per instructions, I prepared myself for 5 mintues' hard meditation and love handle massaging to get the best effect. However, after about a minute, I was hit with the most intense wave of agony (similar to when I had appendicitis) and dove for the toilet.
I kid you not; I did the most forceful and violent shit of my entire life. Seriously, it's like an F-16 had lodged up your arse with its controls on afterburn. I could've powered my village for a week if there'd have been a dynamo in the bowl.
Thinking that was it, I wiped up (this was actually futile because of the mess it makes around your arse - it was more of a pre-shower clean up). However, BOOM! AGAIN! Back on the toilet, back up, back down.. this happened four times in total. Four extremely forceful evacuations. I did examine the contents of the bowl, for the sake of those who wanted a description, but it was just standard faeces.. although not fully digested I would gander, given that it had a rather pungent meaty smell as opposed to the usual poo smell. Perhaps that's the smell of fresh crap, before it's had a chance to fester in your bowels.
Anyway, jumped in the shower and cleaned myself from top to toe... prematurely.. emergency evacuation in the shower (although it was only a little bit). So I had to flush that away, spray loads of disinfectant on the shower and then have another hot wash again!
And that's it!
Any questions?
That is one of the funniest things I've read on here ever.
To me it reeks of attention seeking. Why would anyone come onto a public forum and announce to everyone that they're getting a pipe shoved up their ass?
That is seriously embarrassing and it is now used as entertainment. What if one of the OP's friends or relatives were to stumble across this?
So you want to know how the pipe went up him, sucked out the nasty and cleared his a**hole?
You know it doesn't suck anything out surely?
And quite what trauma you think his friends and family would suffer if they stumbled in here I don't know...
Well I don't normally bump all threads but after someone linked to this thread earlier about the funniest posts, I have to agree this is great and more people should find it to enjoy.
Well I don't normally bump all threads but after someone linked to this thread earlier about the funniest posts, I have to agree this is great and more people should find it to enjoy.
Comments
Many years ago I had to have an enema before an operation, I can still remember lying in that room in the hospital with stomach pain and and uncontrollable urge to go and the immortal words from the nurse "the toilet is at the end of the corridor"
Hahahahahahaha...can't.....breath.....hahaha....
I literally have tears pouring down my face. This is one of the funniest things I've ever read.
it is not a stupid thread. It is a detailed account of Biffo's Home Colonic Irrigation Kit. Appreciated by many, it will go down in history as one of the greatest threads on DS of all time
To me it reeks of attention seeking. Why would anyone come onto a public forum and announce to everyone that they're getting a pipe shoved up their ass?
That is seriously embarrassing and it is now used as entertainment. What if one of the OP's friends or relatives were to stumble across this?
So you want to know how the pipe went up him, sucked out the nasty and cleared his a**hole?
NO THANKS.
There was a request that Biffo posted this on YouTube as there were members here who wanted that info in fine detail:D
Ew that's disgusting
That is one of the funniest things I've read on here ever.
I quite agree...I've been wheezing for the last five minutes!!! 😱
You know it doesn't suck anything out surely?
And quite what trauma you think his friends and family would suffer if they stumbled in here I don't know...
Indeed, now we just wait for the RJ45 ringpull thread to make a re-appearance.
Yes me laughing to this just woke up the mrs.
Brilliant thread