Baby showers
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OH's sister is having a baby shower, but I really don't want to go. We have been trying for a baby of our own for the past year and its really starting to get to me that we haven't been able to conceive yet, despite regular sex at the right times.
OH's family don't know we have been trying for a baby and the way I'm feeling right now, I just know I'm going to be miserable and not enjoy it, because we're having problems conceiving.
I don't know whether to just suck it up and go or tell OH's sister that we have been trying for a baby and finding it hard to be around other babies and children. I don't think she would be overly upset if I didn't go, as I think she was a little surprised that her friend invited me. She can be very opinionated and has a 'tell it how it is' attitude, which has upset me with the things she has said in the past about conceiving a child (obviously said without knowing we're trying) but at the same time, I don't want to get on the wrong side of a pregnant, hormonal woman!
Any suggestions?
OH's family don't know we have been trying for a baby and the way I'm feeling right now, I just know I'm going to be miserable and not enjoy it, because we're having problems conceiving.
I don't know whether to just suck it up and go or tell OH's sister that we have been trying for a baby and finding it hard to be around other babies and children. I don't think she would be overly upset if I didn't go, as I think she was a little surprised that her friend invited me. She can be very opinionated and has a 'tell it how it is' attitude, which has upset me with the things she has said in the past about conceiving a child (obviously said without knowing we're trying) but at the same time, I don't want to get on the wrong side of a pregnant, hormonal woman!
Any suggestions?
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Comments
You might feel rotten inside, but try and find a way to be happy for your OHs sister and enjoy the day - it might be playing on your mind and reminding you of what you are trying hard for, but will not going really make you feel any better?
You could tell her that you have been trying and are struggling, she might be very supportive. It took us a year to conceive our son, and everyone was very surprised because no one knew we had been trying. If you are concerned, maybe pay a visit to your doctors.
I really do think you should go to the baby shower though, it might sound harsh but bitterness will not get you anywhere
If she's like that is telling her you're trying for a baby and having difficulties the sort of thing you really want to tell her? Is it something she could blurt out (whether meaning to or not) in front of others and upset you even more?
If at all possible try and go and smile even if through gritted teeth. Or if you really can't face it come down with a 'bug' and tell her you won't be there because you really wouldn't want her catching it in her condition.
If you don't want to go make an excuse and say you will bring a present when the baby arrives.
In all honesty, I think I would feel better not going lol! I am happy for her and the baby, don't get me wrong, but I don't know if its also the thought of travelling 60 miles round trip when I work all week to be in a house with people I barely know who all have children or babies.
The plan is to go to the doctors next month to see if they can do any tests.
I don't really want to tell them, as I want it to be a surprise but its so hard being around her when shes talking about her pregnancy, how she 'cant imagine how hard it must be getting your period every month' and glad she hasn't had any problems getting pregnant quickly. Not to mention not seeing the point of cutting back on alcohol, smoking and eating properly to help because 'it will happen when it happens'! I know she doesn't mean it intentionally as she doesn't know but doesn't make me feel any better! I was waiting to fall pregnant and tell her that its been a struggle over the past year just to shut her up, but of course that's not quite happened!
I really don't think she would be that bothered if I didn't go, as I said, I took it that she was a little surprised that I was, maybe I should stoop to her level and tell her I'm cleaning, as that's the reason she used for not coming over to our house for OH's birthday!
Totally agree with this, I also find them really clichéd and would tell my friends that I do not want one, because as you say, what if something terrible did happen? (God forbid it doesn't). She doesn't know what she's having and I would rather buy something for the baby when it arrives, but is it rude of me to turn up to a baby shower without a present?!
if you wont know anyone give that as the reason
See my dilemma?! She's really changed since having her first baby and I do find her intimidating at times and I've been with OH nearly 10 years! I do sometimes bite back or make humour of things but she has a way of making you feel like crap if you do or takes things completely the wrong way so I tend to not bother anymore and mince about it afterwards! Hence another reason for not telling her about us trying for a baby, I probably know more about conceiving than she does and she's been pregnant four times! (She's had two abortions in her earlier years)
Tried that as I asked if I could bring a friend, and she said I knew MIL and a couple of friends of hers. Yes, I know of a couple of her friends but they'll know everyone else there so I'll feel like a right lemon! I'm not very good at putting myself in situations where I don't know anyone.
you have my every sympathy by the way
I know how you feel
...and mine.
I wouldn't go and put yourself through it. It isn't as if it is her wedding day or a Christening and I suspect the people she really wants to go are other mums and her friends.
You may end up in corner feeling even more depressed by the guests as well as her. All the talk will be about babies and births.
Just wish her well and think up an excuse. She doesn't sound like the sort who would be sympathetic to your sadness even if you told her.
This. When I was having a baby I didn't allow anyone to buy a single thing (not even nappies) for the baby until she was born. It was a bit of a mad rush for my relatives on the day to buy clothes/car seat/pram etc etc. I know it seems odd to most people, but my mum (and ex-hubby's family) thought it was bad luck to prepare for the baby before we knew that everything went OK.
I asked OH if he thought she would be bothered and he doesn't think she would be, as she doesn't really want the baby shower herself anyway, its her friends apparently making her have it!
I agree. It was always thought to be bad luck to prepare beforehand but the cost is so huge now. Grandson number three is on his way at seven months gestation.
We have been buying something every week, nappies, packet of wipes, socks, babygrows, vests, a cot, changing table, blankets, sheets, baby monitor and a bouncy chair so far.
It's hard to decide at what point of the pregnancy do we relax and start getting excited?
Our last grandson passed away half an hour before he was born. The local health visitor took most of the equipment away for her mums who needed it. So none of it was wasted anyway.
Sorry to hear about your grandson
I think I might have to pluck up the courage and tell her I'm not going. Still don't feel comfortable telling her that we have been trying for a baby so might just say that I'm having to be careful with my money and fuel costs, as I need to have enough fuel to get to work instead of using it on a baby shower! Trouble is, we are most likely seeing her next weekend as its fathers day, do I do it now or wait until the week of the baby shower?? I wish I did say I already had plans that day, but I don't like making up plans to get out of things, in case I got caught!!
I agree. I find the whole baby shower thing very odd indeed. Where has it suddenly some from? I'd never heard of any such thing until about 4 or 5 years ago
Having said that, only you can know whether you can cope with a baby shower and if you really think you couldn't stand even a short time there then you shouldn't go. You don't want to end up feeling bitter and jealous, it wouldn't do anyone any good for you to be feeling like that when people are celebrating a pregnancy!
Still I don't think I'd be too keen on a baby shower anyway. If someone close to me invited me to one I'd go, but I also find them a little weird and I don't understand why people don't wait until after the birth if they must have them.
Thanks for the suggestion - if I lived closer then I would probably do this, however I don't really fancy driving 60 miles and 80 minute round trip for a brief appearance and use fuel that I need for work. If it was on say a weekday evening when I'm already in the town for work, I would pop in briefly.
I cant say that I'm not a little jealous about her being pregnant, I think its only natural to feel envious when you have been trying for a year or so and she falls pregnant at the drop of a hat, but I am pleased that we are having another baby in the family, just sucks she got there before we did! Plus it doesn't help that I'm not very good in situations where I barely know anyone. As easy as it is to say go and make friends, its not when you don't have what everyone is there for in the first place, i.e a child/baby.
The problem is, as I found out after a miscarriage, is that babies are unavoidable, they're flippin' everywhere. I'm putting this badly but it's hard to avoid other people's fertility. The world goes on no matter what you're going through, as I found out.
So, if it were me I'd go and see her on the way home with a small pressie. That way your're acknowledging the event and hopefully avoiding any issues that not going may cause.
From what I've seen on tv, I don't think you'll be missing much, you can always coo over the baby when it arrives. I hope that everything works out for you.
I agree - with both points!