Dealing with a friend

[Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,577
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My work friend has moods which can be very up and down. Yesterday, I felt she spent the entire day actively avoiding talking to me. I asked her if she had a nice day off and was met with a one word reply. This continued for pretty much the whole day. Yet, she was talking to everyone else fine.

Now I wouldn't usually let it bother me, but its becoming a regular occurrence, at least a few times a month. She had a pretty tough year last year, with having a miscarriage, family problems and I've been there for her, helping her get through everything. The father of the would be baby lives away and in all honesty, isn't very reliable.

I told her honestly how I felt about a situation that she is in with the baby's father, which in turn upset her. Since then, she has been off with me, so I confronted her about it and she said that she felt she needed to talk to someone about any problems she had to do with the baby's father who didn't know the full situation. That to me felt like a complete smack in the face, as I've been helping her loads throughout this entire situation, sometimes being as a 'go between' between them both, welcomed her into my house when shes been in tears, dropping things at the last minute when she needed me and now its like shes telling me she doesn't need my help anymore.

I realise now that I got too involved, which I cant go back on but ever since then, she can be fine with me one day and the next day barely say two words to me. I really wish I knew what I'd done wrong, if anything, so at least if I have, I can defend myself. I do feel like the friendship is very one way, as she doesn't ask what I've been up to or how I am if I'm stressed/upset/angry about anything.

I was thinking of confronting her face to face, but I hate things like that, so I was going to send her a text asking what I've done wrong and if I have done something, I'd rather her say than ignore me and make me feel awkward at work. I want to be able to go to work and enjoy my working day than having to wonder what mood she's in or if she's talking to me that day.

Any advice?

Comments

  • BinCatBinCat Posts: 2,125
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    My advice would be to get on with your work and don't bother about it. If she talks to you fine, if she doesn't don't worry about it.

    Make friends outside of work instead, it's a lot less stressful!
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,577
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    We work in a smallish team, so its pretty hard to ignore, especially when other people ask why we aren't talking to each other! Like I said, I would usually ignore and let her get on with it, but for some reason, it really bothered me yesterday and I don't know what I've supposedly done wrong.

    I did consider her one of my best friends, as we were really close but not so sure now.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 625
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    If you want to confront her then I think you should especially if like you say you work in a small team and it may affect the atmosphere at work.

    Unfortunatly sometimes friendships for whatever reason don't always last, if you try to confront her and she still doesn't want to know then at least you can say you tried.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,577
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    Im now off work for a week, so I may just leave it until I go back to work and see if either she contacts me during the week or if she's still the same with me when I go back.

    Part of me thinks she's off with me because of what I said and she didn't like it because she knows its true. It really isn't the best situation she's in with the baby's father and she keeps going round and round in circles, which is what I said to her as I was fed up with hearing the same old thing and nothing being done about it. I thought a friend was supposed to be honest and truthful with advice which is what I felt I was being, yet it gets thrown back in my face?

    I've left everything in her court, if she wanted to talk to me about him, then fine, but I wasn't going to ask as she didn't want to talk to me about it. But it just hurts sometimes that I've done everything I can to help her, yet I don't get anything back in return.

    Maybe she thinks I'm the one who's being off with her by not making an effort talking to her, but its hard work trying to get a conversation out of someone who only replies with one word answers so I tend not to bother. Or maybe I'm just totally overthinking the whole situation and shouldn't take it too personally?!

    Why are people so awkward lol
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 625
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    I agree maybe it's best just to leave it for the week.

    Sometimes the truth can hurt, and when faced with the truth even if they know it to be true people just get defensive. If she isn't able or willing to face up to the reality of the situation then really there is little you can do. You've tried being there for her and you've tried giving her space.

    It's hard but if she really doesn't want to mend your friendship then there isn't anything you can do.
  • 1fab1fab Posts: 20,052
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    I wonder if your friend really wants advice in this situation - maybe what she really wants is someone to listen, non-judgementally (I'm not suggesting you have been judgemental, by the way). Letting her talk about her problems could enable her to sort things out in her mind and come to her own decisions. Otherwise, even though you're on her side, she could resent some of the things you say.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,577
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    I think I'm just going to back off and hopefully she'll realise that's what I'm doing. I've already stopped telling her things about whats going on in my life, so if she asks, that's fine, I'll tell her but I wont volunteer information. Its sad that I feel I cant talk to her about anything but Im going to have to get over that!
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,577
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    1fab wrote: »
    I wonder if your friend really wants advice in this situation - maybe what she really wants is someone to listen, non-judgementally (I'm not suggesting you have been judgemental, by the way). Letting her talk about her problems could enable her to sort things out in her mind and come to her own decisions. Otherwise, even though you're on her side, she could resent some of the things you say.

    I've given her plenty of advice of the past year, letting her chew my ear off about things and the one time I don't fluff up the situation and tell her everything will be alright, she backs off. When she complains he's not communicating with her, she gets the hump, sends him a snotty message and stops talking to him. A few days later, he tells her he loves her and shes back talking to him again. A couple of months down the line, the same thing happens. It just goes round and round in circles and I feel he is really stringing her along so I told her so. He doesn't live in this country, he still lives with an 'ex' who has not long had his baby.

    I suggested to her about getting counselling, as she wasn't dealing well with the miscarriage, as well as all this going on with him. She looked into it, but then everything went well for a while so she didn't bother, as she said she has plenty of friends to talk to. But she doesn't talk to anyone, she bottles it all up and unloads on the few people who will tell her what she wants to hear.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 8,916
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    I'd just let them get on with it but stay cordial. I don't trust people who blow hot and cold so I try not to consider them as friends as you never know where you stand with them.
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