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15 signs you should be on The Jeremy Kyle Show

JasonJason Posts: 76,557
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in General Discussion #1
This is quite amusing - i'll give you the first five :)
1) Several babies in your area bear an uncanny resemblance to you
2) You buy more pregnancy tests than condoms
3) Your neighbours are constantly shouting ‘see you next Tuesday’ but you never see them next Tuesday
4) Your family and friends don’t leave their valuables lying around near you
5) Your family and friends don’t leave their boyfriends alone around you

Although number 7 is my favourite :)
7) You have no idea what an inside voice is

http://metro.co.uk/2014/08/28/15-signs-you-should-be-on-the-jeremy-kyle-show-4838946/
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Comments

  • Jason100Jason100 Posts: 17,222
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    #2
    Thankfully none of those apply to me!
  • TheTruth1983TheTruth1983 Posts: 13,462
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    #3
    Good, I don't belong on Jeremy Kyle :D
  • Rachael.Rachael. Posts: 2,331
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    #4
    I have to admit number 6 actually applied to me a few years ago :blush::blush:
  • Fairyprincess0Fairyprincess0 Posts: 30,061
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    #5
    Jeremy's always telling people to 'put something on the end of it', but never what that is.

    It's not a pineapple....
  • ROWLING2010ROWLING2010 Posts: 3,909
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    #6
    Looking at some of those pics have made me find him strangely attractive....


    Some one lock me up and throw away the key.
  • Duffman2000Duffman2000 Posts: 1,372
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    #7
    Jason100 wrote: »
    Thankfully none of those apply to me!

    Me neither!

    I'd have added to the list "Haven't bathed or showered for weeks". :D
  • zx50zx50 Posts: 91,263
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    #8
    It's quite funny seeing the way a lot of the 'cavemen' and 'cavewomen' behave on his show. Saying this though, Kyle doesn't exactly behave the way he should either. I only watch bits of his show on YouTube at times.
  • FizixFizix Posts: 16,932
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    #9
    I was expecting one of those silly lists where most people would check a bunch of them and you'd be all "oh dear" about it.

    But I can't check a single one *phew* :D
  • Pisces CloudPisces Cloud Posts: 30,239
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    #10
    I have never heard of the inside voice one before, had to google it. :p
  • len112len112 Posts: 4,156
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    #11
    Neck tattoo , preferably with dotted line and a pair of scissors .
  • ElyanElyan Posts: 8,781
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    #12
    It's a bloody awful thing, a sad reflection on how cynical and uncaring our society has become, and those who produce it should be ashamed.
  • MustabusterMustabuster Posts: 5,974
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    #13
    Elyan wrote: »
    It's a bloody awful thing, a sad reflection on how cynical and uncaring our society has become, and those who produce it should be ashamed.

    The list or the show?
  • ElyanElyan Posts: 8,781
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    #14
    Mustabuster wrote: »
    The list or the show?

    The show - if you can call it that. I suppose bear baiting was once considered a show. We've outlawed that and replaced the bears with humans, so everyone can point and laugh and revel in their misery - and satisfy themselves that they are better than those on show.
  • Tt88Tt88 Posts: 6,827
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    #15
    One matches me and one is almost close.

    Too close for comfort!
  • Wee TinkersWee Tinkers Posts: 12,782
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    #16
    You have trouble hanging onto your partners and your front teeth.

    Your neck is no longer long enough to have all your children's names on there.

    You are somewhat unsure as to what qualifies as sexual contact but you're fairly sure you may have had some in a bathroom in a flat somewhere.
  • eluf38eluf38 Posts: 4,874
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    #17
    You think fidelity is something to do with music.

    You struggle to remember how many 'second chances' you've given your partner.

    If someone cautioned you against 'washing your dirtly linen in public' you'd tell them that you wear polyester and have a tumble dryer.

    Watched it for the first time in YEARS yesterday and my advice to every single couple would have been 'split up. Please, do yourselves a favour and break up right now.'
  • rupert_pupkinrupert_pupkin Posts: 3,975
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    #18
    If you've ever said LUKATARRR

    http://youtu.be/QoUzDzfbgNw
  • zx50zx50 Posts: 91,263
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    #19
    rupert_pupkin wrote: »
    If you've ever said LUKATARRR

    http://youtu.be/QoUzDzfbgNw

    It sounds like she's wanting to sound like someone who's African if that's how people with a broad African accent sound. Either African or Jamaican.
  • rupert_pupkinrupert_pupkin Posts: 3,975
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    #20
    zx50 wrote: »
    It sounds like she's wanting to sound like someone who's African if that's how people with a broad African accent sound. Either African or Jamaican.

    I thought it was a northern thing :confused:
  • zx50zx50 Posts: 91,263
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    #21
    rupert_pupkin wrote: »
    I thought it was a northern thing :confused:

    I say luk at a. That sounds African or something similar to me.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0
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    #22
    1. Several babies in your local area bear an uncanny resemblance to you - No they're all ugly little f*ckers compared to me.

    2. You buy more pregnancy tests than condoms

    3. Your neighbours are constantly shouting ‘see you next Tuesday’ but you never see them next Tuesday

    4. Your family and friends don’t leave their valuables lying around near you

    5. Your family and friends don’t leave their boyfriends alone around you

    6. You’ve been banned from your local Wetherspoon’s

    7. You have no idea what an inside voice is - When someone tells me it will seem so obvious. It's not your own inner voice is it? that tells you to think before you speak?

    8. You conduct the majority of your arguments through Facebook and the remainder in your front garden

    9. You’re on first name terms with the receptionist at the sexual health clinic - Well... yes however I've only been there once and it was my friend's aunt. I am not a crook.

    10. Lie detector tests seem like a normal and healthy way to conduct a relationship

    11. You’re selling the family heirlooms to buy crack - No. Don't have any heirlooms to sell anyway

    12. You’ve set the ultimatum – pass the lie detector test and I’ll marry you

    13. Your boyfriend’s ex is hanging around like a bad smell

    14. You and your mum have had sex with the same person

    15. You could play a game of Guess Who? with your child’s potential fathers

    Thank goodness for that!
  • MikeJWMikeJW Posts: 3,948
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    #23
    You start every other sentence with "at the end of the day", then end the next one with "right, yeah" (or "mate").
  • Duffman2000Duffman2000 Posts: 1,372
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    #24
    MikeJW wrote: »
    You start every other sentence with "at the end of the day", then end the next one with "right, yeah" (or "mate").

    My dad is like that all the time....
  • BelfastGuy125BelfastGuy125 Posts: 7,515
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    #25
    Need to add one about being able to use the grease on your hair to fry chips.
  • FlannoFlanno Posts: 1,427
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    #26
    Line 14 should read: you, yer mum, yer sister, yer auntie, yer cousin and yer nan all has had sex with yer ex. Result: all of ya preggers at same time!

    :D
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