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Advice on erotic novel needed.
davey_wavey
Posts: 27,406 Forum Member
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Hello there, I'm writing an erotic novel and would appreciate a bit of feedback. What do you think of this paragraph?
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At that moment, the serving girl moved around with precise and steady movements. Her medium length brown hair bounced like a rubber ball and the study of her smooth, sensuous legs up to her black short skirt left Monsieur feeling keen, a curious and pleasurable sensation came over him, as he felt his body drawing towards hers. Some subtle influence must have draped over her slim figure, as she fell into his arms, panting as if helpless and at mercy to his body. He felt her hot breath against his skin, like the warmth of a bonfire. He casually undressed her, as a spasm of pleasure made his body shake, like a trembling snowflake. She moved her tongue around her lip like a car driving around a roundabout. As she kissed him, he felt her soft, tender lips push seductively against his. They both giggled but at that moment, he turned and seen his pregnant Madame standing in the distance.
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...thanks
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At that moment, the serving girl moved around with precise and steady movements. Her medium length brown hair bounced like a rubber ball and the study of her smooth, sensuous legs up to her black short skirt left Monsieur feeling keen, a curious and pleasurable sensation came over him, as he felt his body drawing towards hers. Some subtle influence must have draped over her slim figure, as she fell into his arms, panting as if helpless and at mercy to his body. He felt her hot breath against his skin, like the warmth of a bonfire. He casually undressed her, as a spasm of pleasure made his body shake, like a trembling snowflake. She moved her tongue around her lip like a car driving around a roundabout. As she kissed him, he felt her soft, tender lips push seductively against his. They both giggled but at that moment, he turned and seen his pregnant Madame standing in the distance.
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...thanks
0
Comments
rubber balls and roundabouts are as erotic as Anne Widdecombe and David Haye
It's terrible.
However, I think it's at risk of becoming a bit over-descriptive if that makes sense? Setting the scene is important, but it shouldn't overpower the chapter.
It could just be because it's a stand-alone paragraph, but those were my initial thoughts. Hope it helps Dave
I am inclined to agree, it is almost like a parody with cheesy terms and the descriptions of the activities
not a fan of;
"Her medium length brown hair bounced like a rubber ball... panting as if helpless" sounds like a labrador sorry :P
you should make her more slinky and seductive I think, bouncy and panting just isn't that sexy in this way. How about voluptuous and breathless.
then don't show them your **** then
DD
Exactly, it is like a parody of every romantic novel there has ever been, cheesy as ****, it is almost like an Airplane/Naked Gun style piss take of what a romantic novel is meant to be
Don't give up the day job OP
I have to say I agree with this. Sorry OP. It is a talent that many aspire to and few possess.
Because its funny
Funnier than Mein Kampf anyway
I also agree. You can hone a talent, but sadly, you cannot cultivate it.
So unless you are a romantic person in real life and can put yourself into the mindset of your reader I would advise you to write about something you know about, or have really researched, lived and breathed.
That way when you make a comparison it will be insightful, and we will be taken on a journey with you, instead of you telling us a story. There's a huge difference. Good luck
<roars with laughter>
Let's rewrite this in a more mundane fashion, to see what actually happens here.
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The serving girl moved towards him and as she approached, he got an uncontrolable flick in his underpants. At that moment - and for scant reason - she randomly fell on him and started panting on his neck. As is typical when a servant falls on her employer, he decided to take this as a sign it was ok to start dragging her clothes off and accidently came in his pants as he did so.
Due to the overwhelming sexiness of a man creaming himself after having a maid trip and fall on him, she proceeded to lick her lips and stick her tongue down his throat. In response to this, he giggled like a fourteen-year-old schoolgirl, probably killing any sense of romance in the process (but possibly indicating another premature ejaculation).
Things might have gone better, though, if the employer had not forgotton the fact that his wife - currently rotund with child - was actually in the room watching.
Shit, he thought. I really ought to behave more appropriately when the maid trips up in future - then heads off in search of some clean underwear.
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Well, to me, it seems like the scene has little logic to it. What the hell is going on? It seems some upper-crust type is lusting after his maid, when she randomly collapses on him (whilst in the midst of her duties, apparently. Was she serving dinner or something? I hope she didn't spill anything on him!) and he takes this as a good opportunity to pull her clothes off. But at the same time, his pregnant wife is standing back and watching this unfold.
I'm not seeing the logic of the scene.
(and yes, i know I randomly switched perspective towards the end of that "reimagining." I wasn't writing for publishing there!!)
This.
Basic faults with grammar, punctuation and sentence structure.
Poor use of metaphors and similes.
Confused, choppy, disjointed narrative.
Will the finished book be called "Faster than the speed of love" by any chance?
If you put it like that, it's fantastic! when is the movie coming out.