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old friends making no effort
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[Deleted User]
Posts: 6 Forum Member
hi i have a question for you. do you always do the running around to see or talk to your friends?
i have 3 real friends who ive known for many years since school. of those 3, 2 work full time,1 doesnt work. 2 have children of their own. all have transport. i live about 20 minutes drive from each of them. i have found that over the years it appears to always be me to call or text asking how everyone is and stuff. and when we want to see each other its always me driving to them, even though we can ill afford the fuel. 1 in particular who drives and had been saying she would come to see me for over a year, has never once been out to my house since she got her own car 2 years ago. she drives to see her other friends often though,even 1 who lives further out than i do. this is the one 'friend' i am really disappointed in as she always said she was a good friend, and we were so close a couple of years back. through our pregnancys we were there for each other.
i have noticed more and more that its always me to do the running, even over christmas when it was time to swap present for each others children, they immediately asked when i want to come over. not even a hint of them coming to me.
1 didnt even send a christmas card when i know its her favourite time of year, and since this i havent actually contacted her as iv given up trying to be there for her. i sent her one, and i got a quick thanks text, but no contact since. she obviously doesnt miss me as shes not bothered at all.
im pretty sure that this 1, who claimed to be my best friend no less than a year ago, is a waste of time and energy, i did forever feel like i was treading on eggshells not to upset her. she was a bit uptight about life in general, and would freak out at the slightest wrong word said by anyone, not just me. she always obbsessed about her husband finding another woman (and i would not blame him as she was awful to him most of the time, would argue with him if he so much as looked at another female, even his work collegues and boss if they asked him a question and she was there to see him talking to them) and continually asked if i thought he would go elsewhere, i always said no obviously. im kind of a bit pleased shes not bothering anymore as i dont need to worry about what i say. she would always be nasty about anyone else i happened to talk to, and even gave my other friends awful nicknames as she hated me talking to anyone else.
the other 2 both work full time, and 1 has 2 children aswell. here too i feel im the one to contact 1st. i am beginning to think i may just have a couple of casual 'mates' who live near me and no real friends anywhere. ive been tempted to stop all contact and see just how long it takes for them to get in touch with me. ive done this before but after a month or so ive text/rang to see how they are. my oldest friend has no children yet, but as we have grown up we have become very different people so i can see why we arent in close contact anymore. im just feeling a bit lost, maybe im just such an awful person noone wants to know me.
the only people i really talk to now are 2 other mums who live close by, they are nice enough and visit often and i go out to see them, but i wouldnt class them as good friends as such.
do you make effort to be in touch with people or do you wait for others to contact you first? i actually feel guilty if i leave it a while with no contact.
i have 3 real friends who ive known for many years since school. of those 3, 2 work full time,1 doesnt work. 2 have children of their own. all have transport. i live about 20 minutes drive from each of them. i have found that over the years it appears to always be me to call or text asking how everyone is and stuff. and when we want to see each other its always me driving to them, even though we can ill afford the fuel. 1 in particular who drives and had been saying she would come to see me for over a year, has never once been out to my house since she got her own car 2 years ago. she drives to see her other friends often though,even 1 who lives further out than i do. this is the one 'friend' i am really disappointed in as she always said she was a good friend, and we were so close a couple of years back. through our pregnancys we were there for each other.
i have noticed more and more that its always me to do the running, even over christmas when it was time to swap present for each others children, they immediately asked when i want to come over. not even a hint of them coming to me.
1 didnt even send a christmas card when i know its her favourite time of year, and since this i havent actually contacted her as iv given up trying to be there for her. i sent her one, and i got a quick thanks text, but no contact since. she obviously doesnt miss me as shes not bothered at all.
im pretty sure that this 1, who claimed to be my best friend no less than a year ago, is a waste of time and energy, i did forever feel like i was treading on eggshells not to upset her. she was a bit uptight about life in general, and would freak out at the slightest wrong word said by anyone, not just me. she always obbsessed about her husband finding another woman (and i would not blame him as she was awful to him most of the time, would argue with him if he so much as looked at another female, even his work collegues and boss if they asked him a question and she was there to see him talking to them) and continually asked if i thought he would go elsewhere, i always said no obviously. im kind of a bit pleased shes not bothering anymore as i dont need to worry about what i say. she would always be nasty about anyone else i happened to talk to, and even gave my other friends awful nicknames as she hated me talking to anyone else.
the other 2 both work full time, and 1 has 2 children aswell. here too i feel im the one to contact 1st. i am beginning to think i may just have a couple of casual 'mates' who live near me and no real friends anywhere. ive been tempted to stop all contact and see just how long it takes for them to get in touch with me. ive done this before but after a month or so ive text/rang to see how they are. my oldest friend has no children yet, but as we have grown up we have become very different people so i can see why we arent in close contact anymore. im just feeling a bit lost, maybe im just such an awful person noone wants to know me.
the only people i really talk to now are 2 other mums who live close by, they are nice enough and visit often and i go out to see them, but i wouldnt class them as good friends as such.
do you make effort to be in touch with people or do you wait for others to contact you first? i actually feel guilty if i leave it a while with no contact.
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Alternatively, start putting more energy into other friendships and acquaintances who seem to be a little more like minded. At first when you get to know new Mums in your area, you can't really imagine being best mates with them but 2 of my closest pals are people I met through my daughter when she was at kindergarten, and she's almost 16 now.
You sound like a very nice woman and I think you deserve better than these people.
I have a handful of friends that I have known since I was 11 years old. The others have fallen by the wayside. I met a girl at ante natal classes and we were the best of mates for 2 or 3 years, but we never see each other now. Real friends last the distance, the rest of them can come and go .... it's only natural.
A group of us were all friends at college and decided to try and meet up once a month once we left so we could keep in contact. We varied it between paid stuff such as cinema, bars, meals etc and free stuff like the park, the beach etc and it worked for a while.
But one man (id say he was the central person as everyone seemed to know each other because they knew him) stopped going. This then led to all the plans rotating around him. For example we could only go out when he could and where he wanted to. Problem is he doesnt always have a say! One of us will text him and he never has credit so his partner will text back saying they cant afford to go out because they have so much to pay for. It got to the point where they couldnt even afford to go out on the free days. Yet the partner was always shopping and out for weekends with the girls. When we invited the man out while the partner was out he would say it would be unfair to go because she would miss out on seeing us.
Its now got to the point where we seem to be the ones always texting and arranging nights out but only half the group turn up and we only go out about twice a year.
Guess what ? None of them have bothered to visit.
Sod them all.
Yep. I was lucky enough to be in a group of 9 friends that went to the same schools from Kindergarten to Graduation. In a few years it will be a decade since i graduated. I now see and talk to 3 of them.
People have their own lives and are often too busy as adults to continue friendships as they did when they were youngsters, I've had people come and go in my life, I have a couple of best friends I don't have contact with all the time, but I know if I needed them they would be there for me. Its not a reflection on you as a person OP, so I wouldnt worry about it.
I'd say if you feel like you're being mistreated by your friends, tell them. What do you have to lose? Maybe they don't think they're being rude by expecting you to do all the leg work in the relationship. Friendship has to be a two way street with equal amounts of give and take. Why should you have to compromise to make their lives easier if they won't return the favour?
We met and after that I could coontact every few months to arrange meeting. She would take days or sometimes weeks to reply to texts and I realised that if I didnt make contact then she wouldnt initiate things herself. Perhaps her memories of me from school were better than the reality of the grown up me, or perhaps she was just busy... Either way I have given up now.
Dont let it make you question yourself, if they cant be bothered then it is them losing out on what could be a good friendship.
At least if you talk to them there's a chance things might change, when they know how upset you are.
If you resort to tactics such as withdrawing all contact, then you are setting yourself up for a disappointment. I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you stop all contact because you genuinley want to stop contact then that's one thing, but if you stop contact because you want to elicit a particular behaviour from them (i.e., to realise they've not heard from you, and then contact you), then it's an attempt at manipulation, even if it's not done maliciously. You would be disappointed if they didn't take the bait and contact you.
The way I see it OP, is that you can only control what you do, rather than other people, and in this situation, the only things you can really do are:
i) tell them how you feel.
ii) reduce or stop the contact.
Note with (ii) above, I mean because you have decided you've had enough, and not to get them to realise how poor they've been at keeping in touch. If you want them to realise that, then your best bet is to tell them, and see if anything changes.
It can be quite normal to lose touch with friends due to all sorts of circumstances.
Sadly I had a friend that I eventually lost touch with, as she had a habit of saying not so nice things and passing it off as a joke but to me it always felt quite personal. There is only so much that you can ignore, so better to move on if the friendship is somewhat troubled.
If on the other hand, you enjoy your friends company, give them a call, it might make their day:D
i find it difficult to get close to new friends, but i do really make an effort with the mums nearby who ive met through our kids being friends with their kids, they are lovely people.
thank you for the help and opinions everybody.
But to be serious, sometimes people fade in and out of your life. I have a couple of friends that I have had for years, but a couple that I have had where contact has faded. It happens. It takes two people to make a friendship and if one person makes all the effort then the friendship will likely fade.
On the other hand Ive had friends where Ive realised that actually they arent much in the way of friends if they dont, at least, reply to a voicemail/text asking how they are. I can give it months and still not hear anything from them, so I dont re-contact them.
Also, I get bored of friendships where you ask them how they are, they talk about themselves for the whole duration of the phonecall & when you come off the phone you realise they've not bothered to ask how you are.
I had a friend some time ago who I rang to tell her I was moving area and was wishing to come & say goodbye. Left her a voicemail. She replied by text asking me to send her an email! I had no qualms about replying letting her know I didnt have time. Cheeky mare.
As you get older you start to realise that your time is too precious to waste chasing those who arent interested. The secret is working out which are worth your effort.
Basically my time is spent in mutually respectful valuable friendships and Im lucky to have the friendships I have. Theyre amazing friends and have been their through good times & bad.
I have family who do the phonecalls all about themselves, then i dont hear from them for another few weeks until something else has happened in their lives. Annoying, but i now just leave them to it as i have recently used up my total minutes on my mobile contract talking to 1 family member on 1 phone call and i barely got 10 words in through his constant chatter about his life. Not bothering with that again!
Im happy to keep up with the snippets of contact we have between me and my friends who actually reply. 2 of the 3 always do reply they just dont get in touch 1st. Il keep on the way things are so they know i still think of them.
The 3rd, well she can sod off, its not like ive not tried over the past year or so, and she never even bothers to reply 9 times out of 10. She obviously isnt worth wasting my time with. Sad but i guess she was always a bit of a pain in the butt with me not knowing what mood she would be in. She was happy enough chatting to me when she fell out with her other friends or neighbours, maybe im just being left on the back burner for when shes hacked them off again. Shes going to struggle, im fed up being used by her. I just removed her from my facebook friends list, cutting all ties from now on. I am just so fed up with calling and texting, emailing, and having no feedback at all. Have just realised its been over a year since we last properly talked.