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Got off on the wrong foot with colleague
Emmersonne
Posts: 4,532 Forum Member
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Hi DSers,
Today we had a new starter at work - we're a very small company and work in close proximity to each other, so getting on well is important. Unfortunately, today I got off on the wrong foot with my new colleague.
Technically, we are equals, though his job title is different to mine and includes the word "manager" (though he isn't actually the manager OF anyone, just in a department by himself)
This morning he came to my desk and asked if he could have a cup of coffee. Thinking he wanted to be shown the kitchen facilities, I got up, picked up my mug and said yes, the tea and coffee facilities for everyone and I'd show him where the kettle was. He seemed a bit "off" with this, but as I was head-down in research I wasn't paying the most attention
it was only when he didn't start to follow me that I caught on that he had meant that he wanted me to make it for him.
Embarrassed, I explained that we generally took it in turns to do rounds, rather than the junior members of staff (which I am not, but I am the youngest and only woman) making tea and coffee for the others on request. I thought I had explained this politely, and then went to make him his coffee, along with everyone else's.
I came back, and my manager mentioned to me on the quiet that the new guy had complained that I had been disrespectful to him, and refused to make him a coffee :eek: I was taken aback, as I had said/done no such thing and also didn't think it boded well that this guy was saying these sorts of things to my colleagues.
I kept my distance for the rest of the day, now I am veering between worrying and seething. I don't know whether to forget all about it, or talk to this guy.
Has anything experienced anything similar? How did you resolve it?
Today we had a new starter at work - we're a very small company and work in close proximity to each other, so getting on well is important. Unfortunately, today I got off on the wrong foot with my new colleague.
Technically, we are equals, though his job title is different to mine and includes the word "manager" (though he isn't actually the manager OF anyone, just in a department by himself)
This morning he came to my desk and asked if he could have a cup of coffee. Thinking he wanted to be shown the kitchen facilities, I got up, picked up my mug and said yes, the tea and coffee facilities for everyone and I'd show him where the kettle was. He seemed a bit "off" with this, but as I was head-down in research I wasn't paying the most attention
it was only when he didn't start to follow me that I caught on that he had meant that he wanted me to make it for him.Embarrassed, I explained that we generally took it in turns to do rounds, rather than the junior members of staff (which I am not, but I am the youngest and only woman) making tea and coffee for the others on request. I thought I had explained this politely, and then went to make him his coffee, along with everyone else's.
I came back, and my manager mentioned to me on the quiet that the new guy had complained that I had been disrespectful to him, and refused to make him a coffee :eek: I was taken aback, as I had said/done no such thing and also didn't think it boded well that this guy was saying these sorts of things to my colleagues.
I kept my distance for the rest of the day, now I am veering between worrying and seething. I don't know whether to forget all about it, or talk to this guy.
Has anything experienced anything similar? How did you resolve it?
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I hope he doesnt ask you again, if he does just reiterate where the kitchen is. Watch him though if hes going to be like this straight away whats he going to turn into?
My boss is lovely and he would say something if I asked him to, I am fairly sure.
And how did he get his coffee for the rest of the day?
Tea with 5 sugars .....
Sorry I'm only joking of course .
My boss told he that he had "assured him that I wouldn't have meant it like that", so I assume that he would have explained. To my knowledge he hasn't made a round himself yet, but it wasn't "my turn" all day because it's the month end (I am "do not disturb" at month end) so I haven't had to confront the issue of making him a coffee either.
Personally, I would have told the boss exactly what happened, that I was offended that this new guy would show such a disrespectful attitude and tell the boss to put him straight or I'd do it myself. But maybe that's just me!
You're not his secretary. He needs to be told that and told it soon, before the idea that he can get away with such behaviour sets in.
I would much rather he'd said that than 'she wouldn't have meant it like that'. Much less room for misunderstanding, and no implication that you are someone who needs humouring or placating.
You may not see it like that, but from what you've described your boss had the opportunity to choose whether to back you up in front of a new member of staff with ideas above his station (for whatever reason, whether chauvinistic or not), and he chose not to take it.
Make sure you stick to your guns if he asks you to make him one again, don't get drawn into a conversation, just politely remind him that 'we take it in turns here', and carry on with your work.
I'd talk to him and put him right, in the most polite terms.
LOL
And the award for best reply goes to... !
So your boss had no problem with the guy expecting you to make coffee, only confident that you wouldn't have refused rudely? Not really sure I would have been satisfied with that - better to have made it clear what the informal policy was.
I was about to post exactly the same thing! He sounds a right arrogant so and so to me and I would absolutely take no nonsense from him at all - who does he think he is, throwing his weight around like this on his first day?! And yes, it is very telling, as someone else said, to ask the only woman there to make his drink, a prize mysogynist by the sounds of things and I hope the boss put him very firmly in his place. This man will be trouble unless kept in check.
My boss isn't his boss, sadly, so he may have been reticent to tell him off.
"Aw, did you forget where the kitchen is, honey? Well, no problem, come with me and I'll show you again. If you're lucky, I'll even show you how to plug in the kettle and switch it on!"
Then take him to the kitchen, switch the kettle on and say:
"Mine's a coffee, black with two sugars. Cheers love!"
Then wink and walk away.
When guys are being sexist to me, I go out of my way to patronise them but in such a way where if I was pulled up on it, I could argue I was being polite.
Keep a very close eye on him - and make sure your manager knows exactly what happened.
He's either a total knob or nervously came out with a load of crap due to first day nerves (giving him the benefit of the doubt, that I confess I don't really believe at all haha).
Either way, best all round to literally pretend it didn't happen, greet him with a cheery 'good morning' as you do the rest of the office & act totally normally (maybe get the first round of teas in to get it out of the way & help you stop stressing). If he continues to be off with you, & expects your colleagues to side with him, just in the door, rather than you, a long term (& presumably respected!) member of the team, he'll be disappointed. Let us know how you get on!
I have been in a similar situation and I would bet my eye teeth he will start asking you to photocopy for him and laminate things, do his shredding and all the little crappy jobs.
Treating you like the skivvy purely because you are the only woman in the office is sexual discrimination and it's not on.
I'd suggest acting as though it was a misunderstanding, but I'd start documenting your interactions with this guy. The words "sexual harassment" came to mind immediately, and while one instance doesn't necessarily constitute sexual harassment, multiple run-ins certainly can. I'm sure the complaining to your boss was his pathetic attempt to boost his own ego (anyone else would've been too embarrassed), but if it happens again, I'd go to your boss immediately after setting him straight again. Don't give this guy any chance to trash you to your boss - he sounds like a nightmare on two feet.