The World's Worst Jokes.................

[Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,156
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Did you hear about the woman with 5 legs?

Her knickers fitted her like a glove.....BAHDUM-TSS!:eek:
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  • chriswyattchriswyatt Posts: 3,808
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    I guess it would have to be a fingerless glove, and quite a large one at that. Unless she's a 5-legged Paris Hilton.
  • Babe RainbowBabe Rainbow Posts: 34,349
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    Did you hear about Joe Shit who hated his name so much he changed it to Fred Shit ?
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,156
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    My mate Sid is now calling himself just "S".

    He hasn't got much choice, someone has stolen his ID!

    I'm here all week................:rolleyes:
  • chriswyattchriswyatt Posts: 3,808
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    I think these two would have to be quite high on the list:
    http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01534/Jedward-2_1534212c.jpg
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 487
    Forum Member
    Why was tigger looking down the toilet??
    A: Because he was trying to find Pooh!!

    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    He had to report to work at KFC.

    What do you call a cow that just gave birth to a calf?
    Decafinated

    :D:o
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,156
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    Did you hear about the Irishman who put a condom on back-to-front?

    He went!:D:o
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,156
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    George Michael's old bald cellmate is to release a song in his honour..............

    "Hairless Fister" hits the shelves next Monday!:eek::eek::D
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 487
    Forum Member
    George Michael's old bald cellmate is to release a song in his honour..............

    "Hairless Fister" hits the shelves next Monday!:eek::eek::D

    snort, giggle :D:D:D
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 487
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    What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

    Lickalotapus
  • belly buttonbelly button Posts: 17,026
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    A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!'' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says no. ''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
  • hooterhooter Posts: 30,206
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    Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean, and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

    "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O' Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

    "That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O' Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

    Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

    "What was his name?" asks Paddy.

    Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims: "Miles, from Dublin.":D
  • MAWMAW Posts: 38,777
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    A bear and a rabbit are squatting side by side in the woods, doing what bears do. The bear turns to the rabbit, and asks 'don't you find the shit sticks to your fur?' The rabbit replies, 'no, can't say I do'. So the bear picks up the rabbit, and wipes it's arse with it.
  • chriswyattchriswyatt Posts: 3,808
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    I thought that if I pulled a snail's shell off then it would be able to move faster. I tried it but it seemed to be more sluggish.

    *Badum-tsssh!*





    I heard it on the radio just now, but it's probably better spoken than it is written down.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 487
    Forum Member
    There once was a king who lived in two-storey grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

    The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
  • Wobbly SteveWobbly Steve Posts: 996
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    Middle aged woman returns home from work and says to unappreciative husband, "The guys in the office paid me a lovely compliment today, they said that I had the breasts of a 20 year old". Sarcastically the husband replied, "What did they say about your 55 year old tw*t?" The woman said "You wern't mentioned".

    My wife just accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. How could she say such a thing....
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 487
    Forum Member
    Gary Glitter is reportedly in Chile. It is the only place you can slide a miner up and down a shaft and get applauded for it.
  • Wobbly SteveWobbly Steve Posts: 996
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    Gary Glitter is reportedly in Chile. It is the only place you can slide a miner up and down a shaft and get applauded for it.

    .... or......

    Last time I saw that many miners being pulled out of the ground was when they dug up Fred Wests garden.

    .... or ....

    Don't you think it's about time that we buried all these miners jokes.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 487
    Forum Member
    An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:

    “Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”

    Debra replied, “Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.”
  • PimpurlPimpurl Posts: 491
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    Did you hear about the Irishman who thought Sherlock Holmes was a block of flats?
  • cosmocosmo Posts: 26,840
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    So I walked into a bar and said, "Ouch!!"

    It was an iron bar.
  • chriswyattchriswyatt Posts: 3,808
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    That reminds me of another one:

    3 blondes walk into a bar.

    You would've thought one of them would've seen it?

    :D
  • belly buttonbelly button Posts: 17,026
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    A senior citizen named Sid was driving down the motorway, when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice . She sounded urgent as she warned him, "Sid I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M1. Please be careful!"
    "Heck," replied Sid, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
  • chriswyattchriswyatt Posts: 3,808
    Forum Member
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    A senior citizen named Sid was driving down the motorway, when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice . She sounded urgent as she warned him, "Sid I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M1. Please be careful!"
    "Heck," replied Sid, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

    *Groans* :rolleyes:
  • belly buttonbelly button Posts: 17,026
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    What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile...

    'Robin get into the Batmobile'
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0
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    What song did raoul moat request to be played at
    his funeral?

    Basement Jaxx - where's you head at


    Last week in B & Q i was was being pressured
    by a salesman, he asked me what my favourite style
    of tile was, i said Errectile

    That shut the ****er up


    Whats worse than seeing a Miley Cyrus DVD in your
    best mates room?

    Not having a half empty box of tissues next to
    it


    too soon? :)
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