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Distance from a friend
Hey,
First of all, some of this might sound a little bit petty. If that's your opinion... back out now, please.
I met a friend, R, through an internet roleplaying forum about eight years ago. We became very close friends. We did everything together. We trusted each-other with everything. She's German and we often visited each-other and became fond of each-other's parents, etc. We talked every night through MSN and I really thought we were going to be friends for decades to come. We even talked about her possibly coming to stay here for a while at uni.
However, starting August 2010 things changed (though I didn't know it yet). I began dating my friend from school. We happened to have booked a holiday away together, as friends, and took it as boyfriend/girlfriend. After that I had more holidays booked so I wasn't online much in August after I started going out with him. However, later in August I missed my boyfriend's birthday so that I could go away with R. He was fine with it. He encouraged it.
I started a teaching job in September. I didn't get home before 7 and I often got home and just fell asleep at the computer because I was so tired. I always apologised.
In February 2011 I moved in with my boyfriend. Literally on the same day my boss dropped a massive bombshell on me that I was likely to fail my NQT year. The next day, abandoning my boyfriend to the new flat all by myself, I went away with R for a week.
From February - June my boss bullied me relentlessly to the point that I was having a panic attack every day and that I did nothing but come home, cry and sleep. I hardly went onto the internet at all then and I didn't see anybody except my boyfriend, who would crawl into bed after me to make sure that I was okay.
In June I found out I was pregnant and decided to have an abortion, which I told my friend about. She disapproved and got quite bitchy about it/offended. I had the abortion in July and was very out-of-sorts after it because I didn't take some of the stuff they offered me and ended up in pain for a week, curled up in bed.
Finally, at the end of July, I was back online "full time" like I used to be, but she only gave me two-word answers to everything. I tried to talk to her but she wouldn't talk. In an attempt to engage her November 2011 I asked her about RPing and she spilled out that she couldn't stand the thought of writing with me, and she said that she was pissed off that I wasn't online for her and that something inside her was "broken and I can't fix it". She said that I had abandoned her for my boyfriend. No matter how much I tried to convince her that he had nothing to do with it she still blames my boyfriend... my bullying, panic attacks, work stress, abortion, and my grandad's terminal illness and death didn't seem to factor into the equation for her at all.
I've continued to be patient with her since then and she seemed to warm up to me so I suggested writing again. She said that she was too busy. Except I saw her a lot posting with random strangers, asking them to write with her for new characters etc so I called her out for lying to me. She still seems very resentful of me.
So, what do I do? I know that I was wrong for neglecting her, but I've been a faithful friend every DAY for almost a decade and I thought we were close enough that she could forgive me for a few months out. I have apologised for neglecting her, a lot. I can't figure out if she's still mad about that or if she's still annoyed about my boyfriend. Oh, and she flat out told me that I have been 'replaced' by two girls who she complained constantly about being bad friends for five years to me!!
How do I get her to warm up to me again? I don't want to turn my back on her like she has me. She's the best friend I ever had and I love her more than I've ever loved my siblings - or my dad, for that matter! My issue isn't about the writing/RPing (that's just a fun hobby). I only brought it up because it's something she lied to me about.
First of all, some of this might sound a little bit petty. If that's your opinion... back out now, please.
I met a friend, R, through an internet roleplaying forum about eight years ago. We became very close friends. We did everything together. We trusted each-other with everything. She's German and we often visited each-other and became fond of each-other's parents, etc. We talked every night through MSN and I really thought we were going to be friends for decades to come. We even talked about her possibly coming to stay here for a while at uni.
However, starting August 2010 things changed (though I didn't know it yet). I began dating my friend from school. We happened to have booked a holiday away together, as friends, and took it as boyfriend/girlfriend. After that I had more holidays booked so I wasn't online much in August after I started going out with him. However, later in August I missed my boyfriend's birthday so that I could go away with R. He was fine with it. He encouraged it.
I started a teaching job in September. I didn't get home before 7 and I often got home and just fell asleep at the computer because I was so tired. I always apologised.
In February 2011 I moved in with my boyfriend. Literally on the same day my boss dropped a massive bombshell on me that I was likely to fail my NQT year. The next day, abandoning my boyfriend to the new flat all by myself, I went away with R for a week.
From February - June my boss bullied me relentlessly to the point that I was having a panic attack every day and that I did nothing but come home, cry and sleep. I hardly went onto the internet at all then and I didn't see anybody except my boyfriend, who would crawl into bed after me to make sure that I was okay.
In June I found out I was pregnant and decided to have an abortion, which I told my friend about. She disapproved and got quite bitchy about it/offended. I had the abortion in July and was very out-of-sorts after it because I didn't take some of the stuff they offered me and ended up in pain for a week, curled up in bed.
Finally, at the end of July, I was back online "full time" like I used to be, but she only gave me two-word answers to everything. I tried to talk to her but she wouldn't talk. In an attempt to engage her November 2011 I asked her about RPing and she spilled out that she couldn't stand the thought of writing with me, and she said that she was pissed off that I wasn't online for her and that something inside her was "broken and I can't fix it". She said that I had abandoned her for my boyfriend. No matter how much I tried to convince her that he had nothing to do with it she still blames my boyfriend... my bullying, panic attacks, work stress, abortion, and my grandad's terminal illness and death didn't seem to factor into the equation for her at all.
I've continued to be patient with her since then and she seemed to warm up to me so I suggested writing again. She said that she was too busy. Except I saw her a lot posting with random strangers, asking them to write with her for new characters etc so I called her out for lying to me. She still seems very resentful of me.
So, what do I do? I know that I was wrong for neglecting her, but I've been a faithful friend every DAY for almost a decade and I thought we were close enough that she could forgive me for a few months out. I have apologised for neglecting her, a lot. I can't figure out if she's still mad about that or if she's still annoyed about my boyfriend. Oh, and she flat out told me that I have been 'replaced' by two girls who she complained constantly about being bad friends for five years to me!!
How do I get her to warm up to me again? I don't want to turn my back on her like she has me. She's the best friend I ever had and I love her more than I've ever loved my siblings - or my dad, for that matter! My issue isn't about the writing/RPing (that's just a fun hobby). I only brought it up because it's something she lied to me about.
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Sounds like your friend is also jealous. How old is she? Thing is, you have to wait her to experience what you have gone through before she will realise she was wrong.
As for your bullying...that happened to my friend when she was doing her Teacher Training, not nice and I sympathise.
As for me and the best friend...she is still my best friend and we have never had any other fall out apart from that first time.
If it were me I would write it all down and email her (leaving it a couple of days between composing and sending the email so you can fully get across what you want to say) but then if she doesn't want to be friends then there isn't much you can do - you can't make someone love you (platonically) unfortunately
Has she got issues of her own? Something she's dealing with?
Do you think it might be a good idea to meet her face to face for a coffee, a meal or something - your treat maybe to clear the air. You've been through loads... I feel cross on your behalf that she's not a better mate but maybe she has things going on.
If I were you, I would concentrate on your relationship with your boyfriend, who sounds lovely, and your job. Let her come to you if she is a true friend.
He's having surgery this week. I'm trying to be supportive as best as I can because I know what it feels like but it's awkward because she was funny with me before her dad became ill again so now I don't know where the line is between supportive and overbearing, and whether she even wants my support.
I understand what people mean about letting her come to me or moving on, but... I can't stress how much I LOVE my friend! She is the best friend I ever had. Funnily enough, she was the one who scraped me off the floor eight years ago after my previous best friends dumped me and screamed abuse at me because I didn't go to the pub when I had to call an ambulance for my mother.
Honestly if I let go of R and don't fix this I will probably never have another close friend. I'm still not over my friends rejecting me eight years ago and in hindsight I didn't even LIKE them.
Also, it's possible that she is still sore over the abortion
BIB - and that is the problem! Not much going on in that respect in her own life so she is envious/jealous that you have what she wants.
I have a friend like that. She's still my friend but she is not married and has no kids and not much of a life. She can never be happy for anything that happens in my life.
As I say, I fell out with my best friend just the once (it was my fault as I was jealous same as your friend). It took a while to get back on track but ever since we are closer than ever and through maturity, we would never fall out nowadays.
If you want to keep your friend, let her be for a while and see if she comes to you. If not, contact her again but until she gets joy in her own life, I don't think she is going to be much of a friend.
Reading that, it definitely sounds like she's jealous.
I can completely understand what you're saying - you don't want to give up on the friendship. I would imagine the best way is just to really make the effort with her, remind her of how much you care about her and try and see if you can improve things that way.
Hard though, jealousy is a beast of a thing and can make people act very uncharacteristically and irrationally.
I feel like I'm trying to get over breaking up with a boyfriend who cheated on me. I look at her with her new BFFs and their synchronised usernames and I have to adjust what I do online so I don't upset her by coming too close, so I'm constantly reminded of it. Even when I pick up my phone I see dropbox and think "our writing is in there", and when I go to bed and pick up a novel my first thought is "R sent me this two christmases ago".
I don't' even know why I'm posting. I'm feeling pathetically self-indulgent and I can't sleep because of it.
It does sound like she is trying to make you feel bad and get her 'revenge', in which case I think you need to take a step back and question what type of real friend would behave in that way and deliberately cause you more pain.
I know you dont want to give up on her yet, but like any relationship, it has to be mutual.
No reason why you can't be good friends and continue to enjoy the closeness and shared history you both have, but you don't have to be exclusive.
Similar story, best friends, did everything together, spoke sometimes a dozen times a day, until the new job and boyfriend. I wasn't jealous of either of those things, I was the one that pushed her towards finding a job she loved and encouraged her when she was nervous about getting into a relationship.
And suddenly it went from speaking multiple times a day to an email once every few weeks (sometimes one line from her saying she was too busy to read or reply to my email) and cancelling plans at the last minute to be with the boyfriend.
What I'm guessing she didn't realise, as you don't seem to is that friendship is a two way street, after years of being there for her suddenly I was no longer needed, it didn't occur to her that maybe I needed her, when I started going through some difficult things she literally couldn't have been less interested and when you've sacrificed things in your own life to help your best friend you'd be surprised how angry that can make you.
You said yourself you didn't speak to her for months and she had her own troubles going on and yet you contacted her about the pregnancy/abortion. In her position I'd be thinking why the hell does the friendship only exist on your terms when you're the one that needs help.
Obviously I'm bringing my own issues into it
I understand what you're saying and I keep thinking about that, trying to see if I did behave like that. But as for the last point, I didn't just contact her about the abortion, I had been talking to her for a little bit before that and at that point (as far as she told me) there was nothing wrong in her life. If there was, she still hasn't told me - and I did ask! A lot.
I sent her an email last night. After I posted that message and went to bed and cried like an idiot child
If need be, write an email, say your piece (it looks like you already have) and put the ball in her court but don't stand on the other side of the net in rain, wind and snow waiting for her to hit it back.
The ball is in her court now, I wouldn't waste any more time on her to be honest....leave her be and get on with your own life. It might be hard but you're making so much effort and getting zilch in return. You are doing all the running.
I can see it from both sides but I do find she is being a bit childish by not replying and ignoring you. How old are you both?
You're right. It's pathetic. I'm not usually someone who agonises over every little thing online. The stupid thing is that I can acknowledge how pathetic I'm being and yet... I haven't punched myself in the face yet.
What is probably making it worse is the trouble with your job and stuff. You are already on a downer and so something like this seems 100 times worse than if you had been in the right frame of mind to deal with it.
I am sure it will sort itself out. Leave her a week and try again.
Take some time offline to focus on the real world. Keep yourself busy, try to enjoy yourself. If she's a true friend you'll hear from her again.
It's not pathetic. You're only human. It's only natural to grow close to someone you talk to literally very day for years, even if they do live in another country. Been there, done that. But at the same time, that doesn't give them an excuse to trample all over your heart and treat you so badly you're in tears every night. You can only do so much and it sounds like you've done a lot so far. I'm sure you'll agree your friendship is worth more than that. Tell yourself "i'm worth more than this". Get your partner to tell you that too. I agree with others, it's her loss if things don't work out. But don't let yourself be trampled over finding out.
Is communication by you two normally or exclusively carried out via text based messages? Should you have the facilities available, such as a headset, try inviting your friend to a vocal conversation. I think communicating this way may help to assure your sincerity in re-establishing your former bond.
I noticed you both enjoyed internet roleplay. As a final resort I would again consider discussing an interest in restarting the creative hobby, but only do this if you have serious intentions to commit.
I'm not going to suggest you immediately drop this friend from you life, though I don't think it would be wrong to say you're nearing the final terminus, hopefully it won't end so negatively but you can atleast look back knowing you tried, and your efforts thus far greatly extend beyond that of reasonable.