Advice on sexuality please :(
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hope this is the right place to post this, this is a first for me, i really need to get this off my chest, im a 22 year old male and for the last 4/5 years ive had feelings towards other men i class myself as bisexual because i have had relationships with women and fancy them also. The problem is i really want to put myself out there as bisexual but im so frightened of what people will think. A few weeks back something happened and my sexuality came under scrutiny and just the reaction from fam and friends made me deny that i was bisexual, my brother as much as i love him said he would disown any of his family who were gay.
Ive told two uni friends that i am bisexual which was a huge step for me and they have been really kind to me, but im so worried that if i say im bisexual my fam and friends will turn against me, at the moment its really eating me up inside do i stay quiet and do nothing or do i tell family and friends how i really feel, advice needed please!
Ive told two uni friends that i am bisexual which was a huge step for me and they have been really kind to me, but im so worried that if i say im bisexual my fam and friends will turn against me, at the moment its really eating me up inside do i stay quiet and do nothing or do i tell family and friends how i really feel, advice needed please!
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Well I'm bisexual as well. 19 though and sort of in the same situation where family have expressed their negative opinion on non-straight people.
I don't care if I lose my family though if they ever found out. I think that by telling your family you'll finally know where you stand with them , be it good or bad.
However, I can also understand being reluctant to say anything. I made a topic a few months back if anyone would want a bisexual person and straight and gay posters didn't seem to keen on the idea.
Theres also the possibility of people not believing you and just thinking your gay and in denial or they could say that you should ignore your feelings and stick to women.
Its a tough one. The only advice I can give you is don't let them make it about them. If they don't understand then its their loss. Maybe they might rather accept it than lose a son but I don't know.
Its something I'm going to have to face soon as well. I don't want to tell anyone but its about knowing where I stand.
Hope that helped.
Edit: Agreed that if your living with your parents (like I am) It wouldn't be wise to do so.
When you have a clearer understanding of what it is (or who it is) that makes you happy then this might be the time to tell other people.
Your family love you and despite what they may say they will still love you.
Nothing a child does makes any parent love them any the less, they may not approve of or like the childs actions (not just talking about sexuality) but nothing they do will make any normal parent love them less.
Just go with the flow, find out who you are and then deal with the other crap. Other people only need to know your sexuality when you decide the time is right to talk about it. This may not be until you want to introduce a partner to them, and even you don't know what sex they will be so the whole thing may be a non issue.
Don't feel upset at what your brother says, they are just empty words, he wouldn't say that with regards to you.
I think you're in this "what would my family think" mode but that is not the priority at all here. The priority is, it's your life, you are who you are, if you feel you're bisexual then that's something you've got to embrace as part of you and be absolutely happy with, there is no obligation to "come out" - do the "straight" people in families run around coming out about their sexualities? Don't fall into the stereotype where you think you owe it to anyone.
cheers for your advice
Wise words. Completely agree.
Yeah, I know we cannot be comfortable by just saying were exclusive to one gender. I can't say i'm straight like I can't say I'm gay. No gay person would want to or even can do some of the things I want to do to a women.
No one I know knows about it. However I got some good advice and support regarding it on here. I'm sure they'll be as helpful.
But like others have said on here....there is no need to tell anyone if you dont want to. Its your choice and not anyone elses business but if keeping it to yourself is causing you distress then perhaps think about picking off trusted or more accepting members of your family one at a time.
There is nothing to be ashamed of and noone has the right to make you feel ashamed in any way...family or friends.
Good luck with what you decide.
that is a massive generalisation. not everyone is so narrow minded.
OP, i think you will find that family say all sorts of things until it happens to someone close to them and then they change their tune. Disowning is a very extreme reaction, but like someone else said, if they are willing to do this over something that you don't really have any control over, would you want to know them anyway?
I'm gay and told my parents without regard of how they felt. I echo what a poster above said, you know where you stand with them if you told them and it's your life, be who you want to be.
Still a very real chance of grandchildren if you're gay.
You're telling me!
My mum has not only come to terms with my sexuality, but she is now dropping great leaden hints about wanting grandchildren! (despite already having 3...)
Sex is sex, don't matter how you get it, all ends with the same result the BIG O.
Anyway on point, don't punish yourself, I fell victim to the stereotype when I was 18. Going round acting like a camp twit when really it wasn't in me. I was adamant to a point everyone needed to know I was Gay. It didn't make an announce of difference only that my behaviour seemed to change overnight and i got "well gay". Anyway I sharp calmed down and realised I can still be the grumpy mofo I always been albeit I bat for the other team.
Concerning yourself, concentrate on yourself for now, I know its shit having it eat away inside. You having nothing to hide admittedly but I have always been of the view that its no buggers business but your own and the person you're shagging/in a relationship with. Don't be ashamed of it, you are who you are. I had it for so many years my dad telling me he would disown me if he ever found out I was gay or bi, suffice to say hes never done such a thing. Just never officially acknowledged I bat for the opposition. You don't need to tell people until you're ready, its a big step to tell even one person and well done for starting to acknowledge it and confide in people. You are making your first steps by telling those closest which is how it should work. Take it slowly first and then you will realise in a few months or years when the time is right.
Although I echo the advise given since you live at home now I would avoid mentioning anything at this moment in time just for your own sanity and safety.
Bit tongue in cheek, but it's a reasonable question. At the end of the day, there shouldn't really be any pressure on a person to explain it to their family and friends. Who you are attracted to is your own business and if anyone else thinks they deserve an explanation then clearly they're the ones with the problem.
Genius! Absolute genius! But on a serious note, I couldn't agree more.
I totally agree with this in general, but I gather the OP is living with his family, and in those circumstances, if he starts expressing his gay side, I think it's highly likely that, however much he tries to conceal it, his family will pick up on things, (such as his wearing gay fashions), and suspect it, or else a malicious or unsuspecting neighbour who sees him out and about with a man, coming out of a gay pub, etc, may say something to the family, and awkward questions (which could make the OP extremely anxious), could be asked, etc, and because of that, the OP may be thinking it would be better to try to sit down and talk calmly about it, rather than waiting for some scene to blow up at an awkward time?
I sympathise, with u OP, as I went through the same thing with my family when I was young (sort of bisexual but don't - believe in labels), and it's not always feasible to move, like it wasn't for me.
Are they the sort of people who would like to have an excuse to be violent and cruel, more than people who don't want you to be bi? If not, you probably would get on okay just keeping in top of your excuses/lies (since they'd want to believe them), and I think that would be fair enough, tit for tat, considering the threats given.