What your favourite comedy line, not sketch...

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  • EELoverEELover Posts: 1,146
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    Simpsons, Homer's justification for lying always has me in stitches:

    Marge: You lied to me Homer. You told me you got rid of the gun.
    Homer: But Marge, I swear, I never thought you'd find out.
  • Eddie BadgerEddie Badger Posts: 6,005
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    Homer Simpson: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
  • BatchBatch Posts: 3,344
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    NoseyLouie wrote: »
    Rimmer - Red Dwarf :D
    word for word ...

    You've reached that age, Listy. When you're younger you can eat what you like, drink what you like and still climb into your 26 inch waist trousers and zip them closed. Then you reach that age - 24, 25 - your muscles give up, they wave a little white flag, and then without any warning at all, you're suddenly a fat ......."

    So good Carter USM sampled it and put it on Surfin' USM
  • rfonzorfonzo Posts: 11,771
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    From Only Fools and Horses, Series 3, Healthy Competition.

    Del Boy: 'Well I gotta admire your bottle Rodney, you've been in the business 5 minutes and you have already opened up a Spanish Branch. You've cornered the market on broken lawn mower engines. What's your partner buying now, second hand peddlers?

    Rodney: 'No, we're going into the self catering holiday trade.'

    Del Boy: 'What on 200 nicker?

    Granddad: 'What you got a wendy house?'
  • grim_realitygrim_reality Posts: 430
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    Family Guy - When Stewie finds out Brian has a son JERRY JERRY!
  • rfonzorfonzo Posts: 11,771
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    I found an episode of 8 out of 10 cats from a few years ago quite amusing. They were discussing the incident where Gordon Ramsey insulted Australian TV presenter Tracy Grimshaw by saying she looks like a pig.

    After a brief discussion amongst the panel Shaun Lock then remarked if 'she looks like a pig, then Gordon Ramsey's forehead looks like the crackling.'
  • man_plebsman_plebs Posts: 170
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    more AP;

    I use these in everyday conversation tbh,

    With my GF - ooh Jill you know your onions.
    When I can guess what she is thinking - I can read you like a book and not a very good book certainly not bravo 2 zero
  • NoseyLouieNoseyLouie Posts: 5,651
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    Batch wrote: »
    So good Carter USM sampled it and put it on Surfin' USM

    Hehe kinda forgot about that..most welcome reminder...I was more of a poppie though :D
  • feckitfeckit Posts: 4,303
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    Here is an old one for you.
    Nearest and Dearest.
    "I can say that without fear of contraception"
  • johnloonyjohnloony Posts: 6,110
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    By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

    That is Torquay, Madam. May I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest, sweeping majestically...
  • rfonzorfonzo Posts: 11,771
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    Only Fools and Horses- The Class Of 62

    Del gets out the old photo of the school team and says 'oh look there's that Italian boy who used to play up front.....oh what was his name? Oh anyway we had Denzil in goal, we had Monkey-Harris left back, we had... camaraderie.

    Trigger: Was that the Italian boy?
  • AmusedmooseAmusedmoose Posts: 1,188
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    Another small one from Hitchhikers I always loved was describing the Vogon constructor fleets: 'They hung in the air exactly the same way that bricks don't.' :D
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 79
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    The first ten million years were the worst. And the second ten million: they were the worst, too. The third ten million I didn't enjoy at all. After that, I went into a bit of a decline.
  • Urban BassmanUrban Bassman Posts: 2,230
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    feckit wrote: »
    Here is an old one for you.
    Nearest and Dearest.
    "I can say that without fear of contraception"

    Spike Milligan in the Goon Show

    Contraception should be used in every conceivable occassion!
  • Urban BassmanUrban Bassman Posts: 2,230
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    The Goon Show is a cornucopia of great one liners

    "I have a card up my sleeve"
    "And I've got newspaper in my boots"
    "You always were a snappy dresser"

    Or When Neddie Seagoon gets the news he's been made a Lord

    "I've been made a peer"
    "Great, I'll get down the end and start a concert party"
  • AligatorCatAligatorCat Posts: 225
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    From the Big Bang theory.

    "I'm not insane, my mother had me tested. ."
  • poshnoshposhnosh Posts: 1,166
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    OFAH when Dell is at the dentist needing a injection but doesn't fancy it so says he can't because his brother is waiting in the van.

    The dentists says " come now, just a small prick", to which Dell replies "you've met my brother Rodney then?"
  • VetinariVetinari Posts: 3,336
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    The best one worder:

    Only fools and horses, they are in the pub singing happy birthday to Rodney. The camera pans and pauses on Trigger, momentarily. You know what is coming in a couple of seconds but that doesn't stop it being hilariously funny.
  • Andy BirkenheadAndy Birkenhead Posts: 13,450
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    From Hancock's Half Hour, Tony is getting really annoyed about something trivial. Sid James just says to him "Don't keep on, there's a good boy !"
  • Andy BirkenheadAndy Birkenhead Posts: 13,450
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    Homer Simpson : "It was like that when I got here, it really was !"
    I think it's the delivery of the line that makes it funny ! :)
  • SadeyedSadeyed Posts: 1,265
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    My 2 favourite female comedy characters.

    Drop the Dead Donkey:

    Henry: Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49.
    Joy: Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

    Will & Grace:

    Karen: He actually expects me to live on this.
    Grace: Karen, I think you can learn to live on this. I mean Spain does.

    Grace: [as Karen is showing her breasts to a woman] Karen, what are you doing?
    Karen: She started it.
    Grace: Karen, she's breast feeding.
    Karen: Oh... That would explain the little bald man.
  • JT2060JT2060 Posts: 5,370
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    Vetinari wrote: »
    The best one worder:

    Only fools and horses, they are in the pub singing happy birthday to Rodney. The camera pans and pauses on Trigger, momentarily. You know what is coming in a couple of seconds but that doesn't stop it being hilariously funny.

    That was on yesterday and you are right, it is still funny. Even though you know what is going to happen, that delayed 'Dave' is perfect timing.
  • jackoljackol Posts: 7,887
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    Only Fools And Horses
    Boycie when realising the baby he was buying off Del was mixed race

    Marlene!
    I might be able to con people into buying my cars. I might be able to convince 'em that you conceived and gave birth in seven days flat, but how the hell am I gonna persuade 'em that my grandad was Louis Armstrong?!
  • jackoljackol Posts: 7,887
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    Vetinari wrote: »
    The best one worder:

    Only fools and horses, they are in the pub singing happy birthday to Rodney. The camera pans and pauses on Trigger, momentarily. You know what is coming in a couple of seconds but that doesn't stop it being hilariously funny.

    That honour goes to Blackadder with "wibble"
  • snafu65snafu65 Posts: 18,187
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    From Porridge.

    Prison doctor tells Fletch to fill a specimen glass sitting on a table a few feet away.
    "What, from here?!" says Fletch.

    You could fill this whole thread with one liners from Porridge though.:)
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