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Concerned about a friend
Im really worried about one of the friends on my course.
She has always had very low self esteem and had a tendency to put herself down, but lately she been getting worse and it causing me some concern.
Just last night on MSN she told me that she was fat and ugly (not true), that she is going to fail, and that she will never ever find a full time job. She really stresses about the work we have to do, about a month before an assignment is due she starts to get into a panic and says she can't do it. She always inevitably gets it done, but I sometimes finding myself helping her because I feel sorry for her and Im worried she will do something stupid.
Last night I got a text her from her at 4am! It said something off the lines of, 'I can't do this work im staring a blank screen'. God knows why she was trying to do an assignment at the time of night for when its not until another two weeks time I have no idea.
Reading in between the lines I think she was pushed into going to Uni by her family because her older siblings did. But I am convinced its not for her because she clearly can't cope with it at all, we all have down times but with her seems to be a constant down time.
What can I do to help her? As I don't think her family are very supportive.
She has always had very low self esteem and had a tendency to put herself down, but lately she been getting worse and it causing me some concern.
Just last night on MSN she told me that she was fat and ugly (not true), that she is going to fail, and that she will never ever find a full time job. She really stresses about the work we have to do, about a month before an assignment is due she starts to get into a panic and says she can't do it. She always inevitably gets it done, but I sometimes finding myself helping her because I feel sorry for her and Im worried she will do something stupid.
Last night I got a text her from her at 4am! It said something off the lines of, 'I can't do this work im staring a blank screen'. God knows why she was trying to do an assignment at the time of night for when its not until another two weeks time I have no idea.
Reading in between the lines I think she was pushed into going to Uni by her family because her older siblings did. But I am convinced its not for her because she clearly can't cope with it at all, we all have down times but with her seems to be a constant down time.
What can I do to help her? As I don't think her family are very supportive.
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IMO, she is fortunate to have a friend like you who actually cares and can see what's going on.
She's actually spoken to her parents about leaving, and Im not sure what exactly happened but there was an argument and she's still on the course now.
I mean im having problems coping myself because ive been ill for three weeks. But the stuff she is saying is really disturbing.
On a separate note, as you have been unwell yourself, you shouldn't really be putting yourself under any more pressure - it is definitely time for you to share the load, one way or the other.
Any parents worth their salt would surely see her unhappiness?
Do you think she's capable of completing the course or is she likely to fail?
I personally feel she is being controlled by her family. They seem nice, but they are extremley close- to the extent that its stiffling her. All of the kids are in their 20's and 30's and live at home, and they all still go on family holidays together and stuff. I find that a bit odd at their ages to be honest.
I know a few times when she's missed lectures for once reason or another she gets into a panic because her mum 'will shout at her'. I keep saying she's an adult and no longer has to do what they tell her but its not going in.
She was going to leave home and live with a friend a few months back and her parents talked her out of it. I feel this would have been very good for her confidence- learing to be indepenent, they told her she would not be able to cope on her own. I mean what a way to dent someone's confidence:(
Are her family of Indian/Asian descent? I ask this as there may be a cultural, family orientated element to this situation. I know quite a few British Indians and their parents do put pressure on them to do well in their studies and encourage learning a subject with a distinct career progression (eg maths, sciences, law). It doesn't sound like she has a very healthy relationship with her parents though. Surely they want her to be independent and happy?
No. They are white, western people. Thats what makes it so odd. They are big church goers though and they obviousley see family as extremley important, so do I, but they are very extreme in that.
When one of them has a birthday, before they can arrange to do anything with friends they have to have a family meal somewhere. Altogether.
The family don't believe in sex before marriage (I believe this is why my friends is akward around men) and why none of them have left home yet.
Sounds like you are a great friend, but how the hell will she escape when she is clearly brainwashed
She's had her family all of her life and it's not always easy to shake off that sort of influence - especially if they're the sort to discourage independence.
They are not over protective as such. I mean they let her go out at night with friends, and go to the pub even though they don't drink. But there does seem to be a hold there for some reason.
I don't think you can. The most you can do is gently hint occasionally.
Sometimes people have to figure things out in their own way at their own time.
True.
I get the impression they don't want their children to grow up and flee the nest.