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Relationship advice needed please. (Intimate details but not crude.)
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Before I start this, I should say that I'm female, although my user name would suggest male!! (I do think this is relevant!) Also, apologies this is so long.
I need some advice please. I've been with my boyfriend for 16 months and we have lived together for a year. (Fast, true, but it felt right.) He has been completely honest about everything, so I thought. He admitted within days of us starting our relationship that he enjoyed cross-dressing sometimes. I told him I was fine with it, as long as he did it after letting me know. I made it clear that I could deal with alot, as long he was honest with me.
I found out this morning that he has been downloading porn (nothing hard-core) most days since before we got together, and using the material for his pleasure while I've been out at work or with my friends. (When I wasn't working.) I found some files on the computer which showed he had been doing it within minutes of me leaving the house, which made it worse somehow. I also found at least one which had been done while I was in the other room.
The thing is, I really wouldn't have minded if he'd been honest; I have suggested in the past that we used some soft porn to spice up our bedroom habits. He knows I've used it myself in the past. He is absolutely distraught at the thought that I might leave. He says that he just assumed that I knew but didn't talk about it, but I don't know why he would think that, cos I talk about the cross dressing. He has had issues with this, being told from a child that porn and using it was wrong, so I can sort of see why he would keep it a secret. But I'm devastated.
He struggles to keep an erection due to emotional problems but we have found ways around it. But he's admitted he does this most days, and has been known to turn me down when I suggest sex. So why does he do this? Why am I not enough? Some of the girls in the images are skinny when I'm not, and he knows that this is a major issue for me. I used to be bulimic, and go back to laxatives when I get low. He has said that this is the main thing he wishes he could change, as he knows this will exaccerbate my issues; the skinny girls.
I have told him he has completely betrayed me; not for what he has done, but the secrecy and aparent lack of respect for me. I've even said I'm not asking him to stop; just not be secretive. I've had to tell him though that it's gonna take a long time to get back to 'normal'. We've spent most of the day crying and I have told him we will not have any sexual relations til I'm ready.
Am I over reacting? I could really use some advice please. I don't know how we're going to get through this. Please be honest with me. If you it's an over the top reaction, please say.
I need some advice please. I've been with my boyfriend for 16 months and we have lived together for a year. (Fast, true, but it felt right.) He has been completely honest about everything, so I thought. He admitted within days of us starting our relationship that he enjoyed cross-dressing sometimes. I told him I was fine with it, as long as he did it after letting me know. I made it clear that I could deal with alot, as long he was honest with me.
I found out this morning that he has been downloading porn (nothing hard-core) most days since before we got together, and using the material for his pleasure while I've been out at work or with my friends. (When I wasn't working.) I found some files on the computer which showed he had been doing it within minutes of me leaving the house, which made it worse somehow. I also found at least one which had been done while I was in the other room.
The thing is, I really wouldn't have minded if he'd been honest; I have suggested in the past that we used some soft porn to spice up our bedroom habits. He knows I've used it myself in the past. He is absolutely distraught at the thought that I might leave. He says that he just assumed that I knew but didn't talk about it, but I don't know why he would think that, cos I talk about the cross dressing. He has had issues with this, being told from a child that porn and using it was wrong, so I can sort of see why he would keep it a secret. But I'm devastated.
He struggles to keep an erection due to emotional problems but we have found ways around it. But he's admitted he does this most days, and has been known to turn me down when I suggest sex. So why does he do this? Why am I not enough? Some of the girls in the images are skinny when I'm not, and he knows that this is a major issue for me. I used to be bulimic, and go back to laxatives when I get low. He has said that this is the main thing he wishes he could change, as he knows this will exaccerbate my issues; the skinny girls.
I have told him he has completely betrayed me; not for what he has done, but the secrecy and aparent lack of respect for me. I've even said I'm not asking him to stop; just not be secretive. I've had to tell him though that it's gonna take a long time to get back to 'normal'. We've spent most of the day crying and I have told him we will not have any sexual relations til I'm ready.
Am I over reacting? I could really use some advice please. I don't know how we're going to get through this. Please be honest with me. If you it's an over the top reaction, please say.
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I'd have difficulty with a partner using porn every day. It seems unhealthy usage to me.
This is a problem. Not a big one but a problem nonetheless. He has to start being more inclusive.
Now that its out in the open he probably will.:)
Thank you Sarah. I hope I have been understanding with him enough and haven't caused this in some way. x
Thanks, Poppy. Hope so...
I think hiding the porn from you is what is affecting you more than him actually using it. I personally don't agree with people using porn in relationships unless their partner is happy with it or they're doing it as a couple. If my fiance was using it (which as far as I know he isn't!) I would feel as though I wasn't enough for him and he was doing it to get something from it that I wasn't giving him.
I really don't think you are over-reacting and I think it is big of you to say you are prepared to sort things out with him, afterall he has gone behind your back and in my eyes, betrayed you.
All the best and I hope things work out xxx
Angel, that's exactly what the problem is. Thank you for what you've said; I really do appreciate you all taking time to comment. xx
Have you made that clear to him? It's more the betrayal which is completely understandable. Afterall, you always think that you have an open and honest relationship and that your OH wouldn't hide anything from you....then you find out that he IS hiding something from you
From what you've said I think you clearly have a strong relationship and both do want to make it work. I don't know how you're going to get that trust back, I think you're just going to have to take each day one step at a time and build on it. He needs to prove to you that you can trust him and not hide things from you. I've never been in a situation where I've had my trust broken so I'm sorry I can't be much help.
I'm quite an emotional and sensitive person so I know if my fiance broke my trust it would take a hell of a long time to get it back. I think if you can accept what has happened and try and move on from it then it will make it easier, whereas if you can't forget what's happened then it will be a lot harder to regain that trust.
I really do hope it works out for you x
I will keep coming into this thread so if you ever want to post for a rant or advice or whatever I'll keep my eye out
Thank you; that made me cry! In a good way...
As you said, he has problems maintaining an erection with you, but still has a high-sex drive which he expresses in masturbation with porn.
I think it's clear he has some emotional issues that are stopping him from having you - the woman he dearly loves - as his sexual outlet.
It's not a reflection on how much he loves you, or how attracted to you he is (I knwo it's tough to believe this but I imagine the skinny girls side of porn is just a thing that cna't be avoided. If he's watching "normal" porn most fo the girls will be skinny. I doubt he's actively seeking out specifically skinny girls) but he has some mental block, or some mental issues, most likely form his childhood that are stopping him truly expressing his sexuality with you.
These problesm he has are not just going to go away, and the watching porn is just a symptom of the deeper problem. I am sure you know what the emotional issues he has that are preventing him from getting erections, but the more he talks about these issues, the better it will be.
In the mean time, I think you withholding sex isn't really going to do either of you any favours when sex is such a battle-ground for you both. I suggest you come to a compromise, that he can watch porn some days, but that he is open about it and makes no effort to hide it from you. BUT that some days will be designated NO PORN days and they are "chandler'sbing" days, when he will devote any sexual energy he has to YOU. As you are aware, that doesn't have to mean intercourse etc but that he spends time with you in a sexual setting.
Over time, the more he does this, the more it will be that you will become the focus of his "lust" and the less he will have the need to watch the porn.
BTW you have every right to be upset and angry with him over this, don't think because I'm talking about his emotional problems I'm ignoring that. He has hurt you unintentionally by being very lazy about things. It is far easier for him to wait till you leave the house, have a solo session with some porn, than for him to get into a sexual situation with you and have all the pressures he feels that go along with it (getting an erection, overcoming his emotional blocks and issues). He has to try harder to not slip into this behaviour, as things will never imrpove if he just lets it carry on.
I hope that's been of some help to you, believe me when I say I know exactly how you feel. I have been through a similar situation so I do know what how it feels and what it does to your self-esteem.
Not giving him permission ... right. Remind me, why should he need permission?
I get that you're hurt that he didn't tell you, but you say he assumed you knew. To be honest, I find that a fairly safe assumption, seeing as almost all men look at porn. It's completely natural. I guess that most men who don't have been forced to stop doing it because of their partners insecurities.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh or nasty, but I think you're overreacting. I think you must be very open-minded to accept the cross-dressing, but I think both of you both have a lot of insecurities. He obviously because he fails to sustain an erection, and you over "skinny-women" because of your bulimia - and I think that's the real problem you have, not that he's watching porn but that you think you're not as attractive as the people in the porn. But that's your issue. You know what? He probably thinks he isn't as attractive or as good as the men in the porn.
I don't think it's difficult to assume most men masturbate on almost a daily basis even when in a relationship. Some men need a stimulus for that. It's not as big a deal as you're making it out to be.
EDIT: I do agree with the poster above though, he does have issues I'm not ignoring that. But the porn isn't a betrayal - or shouldn't, in my opinion, be seen as such.
I hope you work it out, but honestly I think it's something that he'll find hard to change, and you'll find hard to accept. In light of your other issues individually and as a couple, I do think you'll need help to get through this.
I think the porn aspect is a total red herring. It is the turning down of sex, chosing masturbation instead, and being desperate to have some sexual release but not with the OP, that is the betrayal.
I'd typed up half a post then realised that the combination of these two say everything I wanted to, although probably more eloquently.
He appears to have some deep-seeded emotional issues regarding sex, but I don't think the porn is anything unusual.
It's just an expression, tbh. We never tell each other what to do. We have always had the attitude that we can do anything we want to, as long as it respects the other and doesn't hurt the other. That's why this has hurt so much. I've accepted everything he's done, and supported so much, so I don't understand the secrecy.
I really do appreciate the honesty here. In some ways, I was hoping every poster was going to say what you did, and then it would have been more my problem. For some reason, that would have been easier to deal with. I think most people have said what I was thinking; that it's the secrecy, not the act, and we really do need help as a couple.
Smartpicture, would you mind me asking how you got through it please? I have no idea how to get through this. We are going to get some help asap, but what sort of things did you have to do to get through it? If it's too personal, I really do understand.
I agree with a lot of the posters here. And this one the most.
I do want to ask - have you ever had sex with him, while he was watching the porn. I mean, while both of you were?
I had a boyfriend a long time ago that I also found was watching porn to get off when I wasn't around. We would have okay to good sex every few days, but he was doing that every day as your guy is. I told him I would feel better if he let me join in and we tried that. It was before internet but rather vhs tapes (now it could be dvds) . It also wasn't every time we had sex, but occasionally. I didn't mind the porn stuff. It could be exciting at times.
Did it help? I thought so because he could be a bit more open. We did break up but it was because of another breech of trust - his telling me he had a job when he didn't.
You're overreacting, as women so often do to anything porn related, to something which is perfectly normal. Men look at porn as an ordinary part of masturbation and unless they tell you every time they masturbate then there's also no reason for them to tell you about what they use to get them off.
A mistake that's often made is the assumption that there is something wrong with you if your partner has sexual problems but can still masturbate. There isn't, men masturbate regardless of what sex they are having and whether he does or does not do it, it's no reflection on his sex life. That's a separate issue.
To feel betrayed by this, is just self-induced drama stemming from your own insecurities, which you've identified do exist. There's no reason why he should tell you about masturbation, or what he uses to do it, any more than he should tell you when he goes to the toilet and how big it was when he went.
There are obviously sexual problems but the fact he masturbates and looks at porn while he does, is neither here nor there.
I'm glad someone else posted this as I thought it was just me that thought this.
But I've said a few times, it's not the porn that's the problem. I have no problem with it, if it's out in the open. It's the secrecy. That he does it within minutes of me leaving the house. It's the hundreds of files he has hidden on the computer, so I can't find them. (He was careless with a few which was how I found them, and he admitted to the rest.) I'm not daft, I realise men will always masturbate, but to turn me away when I initiate sex was tough to bear. I always thought he was just not interested. Then I find he's masturbating just about every day. That's the betrayal. Like I said previously, it's the secrecy that hurts, not the act.
Before this, I had asked him lots of times if we could use porn together, and he had always said yes. He even said he would find it, but it never happened. I always assumed that he wasn't that keen, but was just saying yes to appease me. So he knew I was keen on it too.
Incidentally, we've just been on holiday for a few weeks. We've never spent so much time in bed as we did then. I know think it's because he didn't have access to the files he's downloaded, so was wanting it more from me. This has upset me too.