I don't feel as if I'm strong enough to live without him in my life at all, or that strong with him just being a friend because of the possibility of him finding someone.
He said there is a possibility we can get back together, but I know I have to allow him that freedom to see if there is anyone else out there and live my own life.
I've told him before I didn't want to contact him but he got really upset about it as he doesn't have many friends in his life and I'm his main social contact. We were watching a film the other night when he started playing footsie with me and one thing lead to another..
This sounds a lot like what my ex was like post-break up. He said he didn't have many friends, why couldn't we hang out, he still really cared about me etc. While it might be true, he needs to give you space and you need to cut ties with him because if he can sleep with you casually while making no commitment, he won't make a commitment.
If it turns out like it did with my ex, and I don't doubt that it will, he will string you along like this to get what he wants, and as soon as he meets someone else he will drop you like a hot potato and it will be so much more painful than if you just cut ties with him now. I'd message him and get one word answers or no reply at all, because he had moved on and that was so hurtful.
With my ex he also tried to put me off dating others by being unnecessarily mean about my new partner, because he hadn't met someone yet and he didn't like that I suddenly wasn't there at the drop of a hat. Sort of like "I don't want you, but I want you to be there just in case". As someone else said, I was his back up girl and that is what you are to this guy right now.
I'm not saying you can never be friends, but you definitely can't right now. You still feel strongly for him, and that creates an imbalance of power which he is taking advantage of. Not the ideal foundation for a friendship!
You need to give yourself space and time to move on, and some time in the future maybe you can be friends then..
Also, he is the one who chose to break up. If you tell him you want to stop contact he has no right whatsoever to tell you any different, whatever his reasons. Remember that!
This does sound like he wants to have his cake and eat it. I read this as he doesn't want a relationship with you and wants to move on. But doesn't want to be on his own and is frightened of that. So the easiest thing to do (perhaps in his mind) is to keep you dangling, stay friends, have sex when he feels like it so he doesn't get lonely whilst all the time looking for someone new. You will effectively be his 'just in case'.
And he will then no longer be interested in 'being friends' and will move on rather quickly, whilst you will be hurting all over again.
As previous posters have said, I would cut all ties, remember the relationship fondly and move on.
I had a bad day at work today, ruminating over how things could have gone and thinking of him with someone else.
I didn't have sex with him the other day, we only made out, although the temptation was there and I'm annoyed at myself for having a weakness for him.
We both have social anxiety and have been a great support for each other over the years. We go to meetups on meetup.com and are both going to one together on Saturday and a concert the week after. He asked me if I wanted to go with him and his mum to the theatre in a couple of months so we have plans. I can drop the theatre though.
I texted him the other week it was nice to see him and he said we can always have each other so I text what do you mean and he said as friends. We could end up being life long friends I guess but maybe it's best to cut all ties first for 6 months or so whilst I get over him.
I texted him the other week it was nice to see him and he said we can always have each other so I text what do you mean and he said as friends. We could end up being life long friends I guess but maybe it's best to cut all ties first for 6 months or so whilst I get over him.
Reading your posts is like reading something I could have written about a year ago.
You will feel so much better once you start to distance yourself. My situation was so similar, he started out saying we'd be friends and I really believed it. Now I can see it was just his way of trying to break it off more gently (which actually did me no favours in the long term). I wanted to stay friends but really it was because I hoped he'd take me back.
I used to keep texting him all the time but looking back it was so one sided. I still have feelings for him as he was the first guy I ever loved but I can see now that it just wasn't meant to be, as much as I still fantasise on occasion that it could be different. I saw him at work today and he had a quick chat and a laugh. Partly it made me feel sad for what we no longer have but at the same time it was a reminder that the distance helps.
I've been reading this thread with some interest as it really resonates with me.
When I met my husband 5 years ago, he was friends with his ex-GF. They were together for about 7 years and exes for 3 years or so. They had never lived together, and only saw each other 2 or 3 times a week when they were a couple. She dumped him, just before they were due to move in together, saying she didn't love him anymore.
When he and I got together, he told her all about me, and when I moved in with him shortly afterwards, he attempted to arrange for us to go out for a drink together so that she and I could get to know each other. I had no problems with this - I was aware that she'd been a good friend to him when his mother had died etc.
She went absolutely through the roof! Why would I want to meet her? Why was I interested in her? She refused point-blank to meet with me. He told her that we came as a package now, and we haven't heard from her since.
My husband was quite hurt by this, as she'd always encouraged him to go on dates and meet people. My take on it is that she was convinced there was no-one out there better than her, and that she could keep him dangling with promises of occasional sex and eternal friendship.
The only ex I'm still in contact with is my exhusband - we have two adult sons together so our lives do overlap, but we are not friends, just acquaintances with a shared past.
My ex-wife and I have been friends since we divorced over 20 years ago, and we both actually consider each other as best friends, even after all this time.
We often go out to lunch and even shopping together.
When I got dumped three years ago by text the night before Valentine's Day, my ex offered friendship as a consolation prize but I knew that it was better to cut all ties as I would only end up more hurt.
Three years on and we talk occasionally, I wouldn't say we are great friends but we have been in touch for around a year and chat occasionally but this is only because I do feel that I am over him now. It did take a very long time though.
I don't think you can stay friends with someone straight away though - I did in the past and we ended up on and off for around two years and ended up a lot worse than if we had just gone our separate ways initially.
My ex-wife and I have been friends since we divorced over 20 years ago, and we both actually consider each other as best friends, even after all this time.
We often go out to lunch and even shopping together.
I am 'friends' with only one ex, my sons father and thats because we have to be really to make decisions about him
However it was difficult at first and I am sure once my son is an adult it won't be the case. However both he and his wife were very supportive when I split with an ex who really broke my heart
Him I have absolutely no contact with and don't want any. If I had any it would have protracted the huge heartbreak I had.
I believe there's no good reason why people stay friends with an ex...I've not had good experiences with partners and their exes! I'm divorced with children and the only contact we have is regarding them. My fiancé left her husband for another man (nothing mutual there) but the husband kept in touch as friends because a) he didn't/couldn't move on and b) he still held a candle for her! c) she did so because she felt guilty and it suited her..needless to say I requested she put an end to it .which she did because your current partners feelings should always be a priority.
Split for the ex on Feb 13th last year after 19 years (found out she'd been sleeping with someone at work) & needless to say I was, & still am in many respects, devastated.
We have a dog and this means that we do see each other about once a week when I pick it up or drop it back. I know full well that I could very easily stay friends with her, we are/were such a big part of each others lives that I'm not sure losing her as a partner is more hurtful than losing her as a friend.
I've chosen to keep all interactions as matter-as-fact as possible. I can't let myself get engaged in conversation as it just hurts in the long run. The other difficult thing is the entwining of the social life that we had. I've so far had only only night that we both attended for a mutual friend, still have no idea how I muddled through it!
Had the relationship broken down in a amicable way or without the third party (that she is still with) maybe friends was an option, but for me now I looking at hopefully 5-6 years of picking up the dog, then never having to lay eyes on her again.
For the question of trying to friends comes down to how much more hurt I can expose myself to versus what I would gain from trying to be friends. For me one heavily out weighs the other.
I think I will always love and care about my ex, I think what it boiled down to for him is that there was something missing that I couldn't provide and that was intellectual stimulation; he's applying to join Mensa and I can't keep up with that, I'm only averagely intelligent and he has said he doesn't want to be just mediocre.
I think the emotional connection was enough for 2 years but now he's looking for something more.
I will stick with my reality tv and tabloid newspapers and find someone more my level.
Split for the ex on Feb 13th last year after 19 years (found out she'd been sleeping with someone at work) & needless to say I was, & still am in many respects, devastated.
We have a dog and this means that we do see each other about once a week when I pick it up or drop it back. I know full well that I could very easily stay friends with her, we are/were such a big part of each others lives that I'm not sure losing her as a partner is more hurtful than losing her as a friend.
I've chosen to keep all interactions as matter-as-fact as possible. I can't let myself get engaged in conversation as it just hurts in the long run. The other difficult thing is the entwining of the social life that we had. I've so far had only only night that we both attended for a mutual friend, still have no idea how I muddled through it!
Had the relationship broken down in a amicable way or without the third party (that she is still with) maybe friends was an option, but for me now I looking at hopefully 5-6 years of picking up the dog, then never having to lay eyes on her again.
For the question of trying to friends comes down to how much more hurt I can expose myself to versus what I would gain from trying to be friends. For me one heavily out weighs the other.
:(
Sorry to hear that.
It's almost impossible to stay friends with someone who you still love and who has been unfaithful. I can't see how that would ever lead to anything other than more pain. I hope it gets better for you soon.
Also why would you want to be friends with someone who has hurt you? That's not what friends do.
I suspect the idea of 'staying friends' in those cases is less because you are actual friends and more because you can't/don't want to let go of the hypothetical future you would have had together. It's what could have been that you hang on to not what actually is.
If there is no infidelity then remaining friends can work but only if you have both moved on and no longer love each other in a romantic way. I am friends with my ex (not seeing each other all the time friends but we are friendly) but I no longer love him and he no longer loves me. We are both with other people. Our relationship ended without anyone else being involved. It took a long time to get to the friends stage. But we are there.
If one of you is still in love then it just hurts too much.
I think I will always love and care about my ex, I think what it boiled down to for him is that there was something missing that I couldn't provide and that was intellectual stimulation; he's applying to join Mensa and I can't keep up with that, I'm only averagely intelligent and he has said he doesn't want to be just mediocre.
I think the emotional connection was enough for 2 years but now he's looking for something more.
I will stick with my reality tv and tabloid newspapers and find someone more my level.
He sounds a bit of a dick to be honest. Everyone I know who has felt it necessary to join Mensa has always been dickish.
A high IQ score only really indicates that person can do well at IQ tests.
I have stayed friends with an ex girlfriend. We were together for 11 years and split up in 2003. Since then she has become like a sister figure instead and is actually a much better friend than she was a partner. She even came to my wedding! I see nothing wrong with it. A famous example is Simon Cowell. He is friends with all these exes. He even employs them!
I think I will always love and care about my ex, I think what it boiled down to for him is that there was something missing that I couldn't provide and that was intellectual stimulation; he's applying to join Mensa and I can't keep up with that, I'm only averagely intelligent and he has said he doesn't want to be just mediocre.
I think the emotional connection was enough for 2 years but now he's looking for something more.
I will stick with my reality tv and tabloid newspapers and find someone more my level.
To be honest I think you can do a lot better than your ex.
If he didn't appreciate a loving girlfriend then he didn't deserve you.
Comments
This sounds a lot like what my ex was like post-break up. He said he didn't have many friends, why couldn't we hang out, he still really cared about me etc. While it might be true, he needs to give you space and you need to cut ties with him because if he can sleep with you casually while making no commitment, he won't make a commitment.
If it turns out like it did with my ex, and I don't doubt that it will, he will string you along like this to get what he wants, and as soon as he meets someone else he will drop you like a hot potato and it will be so much more painful than if you just cut ties with him now. I'd message him and get one word answers or no reply at all, because he had moved on and that was so hurtful.
With my ex he also tried to put me off dating others by being unnecessarily mean about my new partner, because he hadn't met someone yet and he didn't like that I suddenly wasn't there at the drop of a hat. Sort of like "I don't want you, but I want you to be there just in case". As someone else said, I was his back up girl and that is what you are to this guy right now.
I'm not saying you can never be friends, but you definitely can't right now. You still feel strongly for him, and that creates an imbalance of power which he is taking advantage of. Not the ideal foundation for a friendship!
You need to give yourself space and time to move on, and some time in the future maybe you can be friends then..
Also, he is the one who chose to break up. If you tell him you want to stop contact he has no right whatsoever to tell you any different, whatever his reasons. Remember that!
Friends don't use each other and string each other along.
He's an insensitive user who doesn't care about you, sorry if that sounds harsh but he's shown no regard for how his treatment hurts you.
He is using you.
Tell him you still like/love him and will give him the space he needs but sex is out of the question,
This leads to the dark side of the force (sorry, couldn't resist)
And he will then no longer be interested in 'being friends' and will move on rather quickly, whilst you will be hurting all over again.
As previous posters have said, I would cut all ties, remember the relationship fondly and move on.
Then we got back together, and we're very happy, have been for over 5 years.
I didn't have sex with him the other day, we only made out, although the temptation was there and I'm annoyed at myself for having a weakness for him.
We both have social anxiety and have been a great support for each other over the years. We go to meetups on meetup.com and are both going to one together on Saturday and a concert the week after. He asked me if I wanted to go with him and his mum to the theatre in a couple of months so we have plans. I can drop the theatre though.
I texted him the other week it was nice to see him and he said we can always have each other so I text what do you mean and he said as friends. We could end up being life long friends I guess but maybe it's best to cut all ties first for 6 months or so whilst I get over him.
Reading your posts is like reading something I could have written about a year ago.
You will feel so much better once you start to distance yourself. My situation was so similar, he started out saying we'd be friends and I really believed it. Now I can see it was just his way of trying to break it off more gently (which actually did me no favours in the long term). I wanted to stay friends but really it was because I hoped he'd take me back.
I used to keep texting him all the time but looking back it was so one sided. I still have feelings for him as he was the first guy I ever loved but I can see now that it just wasn't meant to be, as much as I still fantasise on occasion that it could be different. I saw him at work today and he had a quick chat and a laugh. Partly it made me feel sad for what we no longer have but at the same time it was a reminder that the distance helps.
I suspect people who remained friends either was mutual break up or they had to tolerate for sake of the kids.
When I met my husband 5 years ago, he was friends with his ex-GF. They were together for about 7 years and exes for 3 years or so. They had never lived together, and only saw each other 2 or 3 times a week when they were a couple. She dumped him, just before they were due to move in together, saying she didn't love him anymore.
When he and I got together, he told her all about me, and when I moved in with him shortly afterwards, he attempted to arrange for us to go out for a drink together so that she and I could get to know each other. I had no problems with this - I was aware that she'd been a good friend to him when his mother had died etc.
She went absolutely through the roof! Why would I want to meet her? Why was I interested in her? She refused point-blank to meet with me. He told her that we came as a package now, and we haven't heard from her since.
My husband was quite hurt by this, as she'd always encouraged him to go on dates and meet people. My take on it is that she was convinced there was no-one out there better than her, and that she could keep him dangling with promises of occasional sex and eternal friendship.
The only ex I'm still in contact with is my exhusband - we have two adult sons together so our lives do overlap, but we are not friends, just acquaintances with a shared past.
In a nutshell.
Really? I beg to differ.
My ex-wife and I have been friends since we divorced over 20 years ago, and we both actually consider each other as best friends, even after all this time.
We often go out to lunch and even shopping together.
Three years on and we talk occasionally, I wouldn't say we are great friends but we have been in touch for around a year and chat occasionally but this is only because I do feel that I am over him now. It did take a very long time though.
I don't think you can stay friends with someone straight away though - I did in the past and we ended up on and off for around two years and ended up a lot worse than if we had just gone our separate ways initially.
Why aren't you together then?
However it was difficult at first and I am sure once my son is an adult it won't be the case. However both he and his wife were very supportive when I split with an ex who really broke my heart
Him I have absolutely no contact with and don't want any. If I had any it would have protracted the huge heartbreak I had.
Was waiting for someone to say this! (secretly hoping I could be first!)
We have a dog and this means that we do see each other about once a week when I pick it up or drop it back. I know full well that I could very easily stay friends with her, we are/were such a big part of each others lives that I'm not sure losing her as a partner is more hurtful than losing her as a friend.
I've chosen to keep all interactions as matter-as-fact as possible. I can't let myself get engaged in conversation as it just hurts in the long run. The other difficult thing is the entwining of the social life that we had. I've so far had only only night that we both attended for a mutual friend, still have no idea how I muddled through it!
Had the relationship broken down in a amicable way or without the third party (that she is still with) maybe friends was an option, but for me now I looking at hopefully 5-6 years of picking up the dog, then never having to lay eyes on her again.
For the question of trying to friends comes down to how much more hurt I can expose myself to versus what I would gain from trying to be friends. For me one heavily out weighs the other.
I think the emotional connection was enough for 2 years but now he's looking for something more.
I will stick with my reality tv and tabloid newspapers and find someone more my level.
Sorry to hear that.
It's almost impossible to stay friends with someone who you still love and who has been unfaithful. I can't see how that would ever lead to anything other than more pain. I hope it gets better for you soon.
Also why would you want to be friends with someone who has hurt you? That's not what friends do.
I suspect the idea of 'staying friends' in those cases is less because you are actual friends and more because you can't/don't want to let go of the hypothetical future you would have had together. It's what could have been that you hang on to not what actually is.
If there is no infidelity then remaining friends can work but only if you have both moved on and no longer love each other in a romantic way. I am friends with my ex (not seeing each other all the time friends but we are friendly) but I no longer love him and he no longer loves me. We are both with other people. Our relationship ended without anyone else being involved. It took a long time to get to the friends stage. But we are there.
If one of you is still in love then it just hurts too much.
He sounds a bit of a dick to be honest. Everyone I know who has felt it necessary to join Mensa has always been dickish.
A high IQ score only really indicates that person can do well at IQ tests.
To be honest I think you can do a lot better than your ex.
If he didn't appreciate a loving girlfriend then he didn't deserve you.