Is it such a bad thing to spoil your kids?

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  • Mrs TeapotMrs Teapot Posts: 124,896
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    Having a quick nip around before I go to bed

    Don't spoil your kids, the worst kind of behaviour I come across is that of a spoiled child who gets everything and their own way....it's a terrible thing.

    They tend to not know how to share and that prevents them playing in groups, they are often self oriented and don't consider others.

    They are often the 'bully' who wants to be first and pushes other children around, you see it in their eyes when you say no to them.

    Children need to know the meaning of 'No' and a lot of them don't
  • Akane TendoAkane Tendo Posts: 4,454
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    I was spoiled at times, but still know the value of money. :)

    It's very easy to bribe me with money and gifts. :):D
  • boddismboddism Posts: 16,436
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    If you spoil children materially from a young age, they will just "expect" to get anything they want.

    When they reach adulthood they will come against a brick wall when this doesnt happen. The usual route at this point is that the person will continue to have what they like by being an overspender & condemning themselves to a life of financial difficulty.

    Kids need to hear "No" every now & again as they will face it as adult, & they need to develop effective coping mechanisms to deal with disappointment & unfulfilled desires. It IS in their best interest that they learn this,

    Im sure the job of a loving parent is to love & nurture a child, and in the long run prepare them effectively for the real adult world.
  • Akane TendoAkane Tendo Posts: 4,454
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    boddism wrote: »
    If you spoil children materially from a young age, they will just "expect" to get anything they want.

    When they reach adulthood they will come against a brick wall when this doesnt happen. The usual route at this point is that the person will continue to have what they like by being an overspender & condemning themselves to a life of financial difficulty.

    Why have a turned into such a miser then? :D:D
  • cnbcwatchercnbcwatcher Posts: 56,681
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    They don't play with all the toys- I know that as my friend admits it. They haven't asked for all these toys, she just buys them!
    And as for the clothes so many of them still have the tags on. It makes me sad in a way as my friend won't buy herself new clothes that she needs but she will buy designer clothes for the kids all the time even though they don't need them as they have a wardrobe bulging!

    That's ridiculous really!! :eek: I don't think kids need expensive designer clothes at all as they grow out of them fairly quick. I know I probably would have at that age.
  • KarlSomethingKarlSomething Posts: 3,529
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    I would think that by spoiling them you are making life less enjoyable for them, as you set the bar very low, and their experiences later in life just won't be good enough. And as you're spoiling them, even that might not be a better life for them, than if you rewarded them less, or made it more of a challenge for them.

    As has been mentioned, we adapt to the level of stimulation, and it takes more each time. It's not good to always be stimulated. It's similar to how drug users enjoy their drugs less and less as they go on using them, and it takes a larger and larger dose to get the same sensation.

    I don't quite think of it as teaching them the meaning of "no", because I don't believe it's important that you say no. I actually think a lot of parents say "no" too often, and don't allow their kids to do a lot of things that would be good for them. Just don't hand them everything they want without effort. They might even be dumber for it, because they don't learn much beyond asking for something.

    And I definitely don't believe it's about teaching them that the meaning of authority is that authority should always be adhered to. I believe that is a mistake, because too many people are too trusting of authorities, or don't demand enough from authorities. Essentially spoiling the authorities, and letting them get away with a lot of stuff they shouldn't.

    Instead you could save the money you would've spoiled them with, and give it to them when they truly need it, like when they're done with their education and need to start doing big investments.
  • killjoykilljoy Posts: 7,901
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    We all like to give the odd indulgence but the most important thing to give them is time.

    The worst is to be too busy for them.
  • benjaminibenjamini Posts: 32,066
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    Children who are "spoiled" by a parents inability to say no either materially or disciplinary and draw clear guide lines are in for a shock when they hit the real world and discover they are not the centre of the universe after all .
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,025
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    skipjack79 wrote: »
    It's clear as day to everybody, and as obvious as the day is long, that spoiling a kid has detrimental effects on their character, their sense of value, their friendships (everybody wanted to be "best mates" with the spoilt lad who had the 50cc quad bike), and guaranteed all the kids will talk about you behind your back "Mummy's boy, spoilt tw4t " etc.

    I think the bit in bold proves there's more than one way to spoil a child. Raising children that are envious and use others for their own ends is, imo just as bad as giving them too much.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 14,284
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    No, it's not a bad thing and there are plenty of assholes that were never spoiled as children,(Hello Mother-In-Law!) and plenty of children who were spoiled rotten who are lovely.

    My own mother was the most pampered, cosseted, indulged, doted upon child you could imagine. She was abandoned by her mother at birth and her grandparents raised her. My great-grandmother didn't allow my mother to lift a finger to do anything. My mother didn't even comb her own hair as a teenager. She was privately educated, was a debutante, travelled, whatever. When my mother left home at 18 after she married my dad, she could barely make a sandwich or heat up soup. However, she soon got on with it and she is now a chef and the marriage has lasted 42 years!

    My mother would give you the shirt off her back. In fact, if I said that one of you was coming to my hometown and you needed a place to stay, a hot meal or a friendly chat, she'd welcome you with open arms. I was at my mother-in-law's house for 3 days and then she asked me and her son to leave, even though he had nowhere to go. We weren't causing trouble or being disrespectful. Her own sister apologised for her actions.

    I was spoiled by my parents (when I go home, my mother makes my sandwiches just how I like them and cooks me meals too!) with objects and affection, as were my sisters. We are kind and charitable people. My children are spoiled but nice. Furthermore, I really don't care too much what people think. I can afford to do it, I like doing it and I don't see the point of having kids if you can't spoil them.
  • BananacreampieBananacreampie Posts: 798
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    No, it's not a bad thing and there are plenty of assholes that were never spoiled as children,(Hello Mother-In-Law!) and plenty of children who were spoiled rotten who are lovely.

    My own mother was the most pampered, cosseted, indulged, doted upon child you could imagine. She was abandoned by her mother at birth and her grandparents raised her. My great-grandmother didn't allow my mother to lift a finger to do anything. My mother didn't even comb her own hair as a teenager. She was privately educated, was a debutante, travelled, whatever. When my mother left home at 18 after she married my dad, she could barely make a sandwich or heat up soup. However, she soon got on with it and she is now a chef and the marriage has lasted 42 years!

    My mother would give you the shirt off her back. In fact, if I said that one of you was coming to my hometown and you needed a place to stay, a hot meal or a friendly chat, she'd welcome you with open arms. I was at my mother-in-law's house for 3 days and then she asked me and her son to leave, even though he had nowhere to go. We weren't causing trouble or being disrespectful. Her own sister apologised for her actions.

    I was spoiled by my parents (when I go home, my mother makes my sandwiches just how I like them and cooks me meals too!) with objects and affection, as were my sisters. We are kind and charitable people. My children are spoiled but nice. Furthermore, I really don't care too much what people think. I can afford to do it, I like doing it and I don't see the point of having kids if you can't spoil them.


    perfect example of my earlier post. My friends were all spoilt but were still lovely caring people.
  • HogzillaHogzilla Posts: 24,116
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    I wonder if there's a difference between 'spoiling' with material things, time and affection and 'enabling'. Relative of mine is a total doormat to her kids and husband - the kids are grown up now, a bit older than my oldest. They are really selfish and not much fun to be around. I bumped into her several years back when the girl was a teenager, at a shopping centre and mum was walking round in tears as she'd refused to buy the lass summat, and the kid had stormed off and mum couldn't find her (wasn't answering phone, etc). Not one of my kids would ever dare do that. But they wouldn't want to hurt me either. Strikes me she's been a doormat to them for 20 odd years and so they are arseholes.

    They have a lot more disposable income than us and yet I always bough my kids more stuff at xmas etc. We're a closer family and spend actual time with our kids, but every time we go round their's they're arguing (once they made us wait in the kitchen whilst they finished an argument!) On paper, my kids are more 'spoilt' but they are nicer people, more secure, fun to be with and our house isn't riven with rows or arguments at all (apart from the 9 and 11 yr old having what the big ones call 'baby argues'.

    It's not just about material stuff but affection and attention. I am very inflexible and have rules which my relatives didn't - there is stuff I wouldn't take for a second from my kids, and I am not an enabler (don't let them eat junk, don't let them answer back, expect a certain level of good manners and behaviour, always know where they are, won't buy them everything they ask for, make them do their share round the house, etc). My relatives' kids had less stuff than mine but then their mum or dad never made them do housework - yet the girl was bought a lot of clothes etc because she'd throw a tantrum if she didn't get her way. I expect my primary aged kids even to help with stuff and if anyone throws a tantrum - they get sent to bed immediately.

    So there's spoiling and there's spoiling.
  • glasshalffullglasshalffull Posts: 22,291
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    I was spoilt as a kid, and whilst I like to think it hasn't made me a horrible person or anything like that, I freely admit that I am absolutely terrible with money.

    ^^^^^^ this and btw you are not alone...almost everyone I knew/have known could be said to be indulged as kids has ended up with financial trouble at some time in their lives.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,025
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    ^^^^^^ this and btw you are not alone...almost everyone I knew/have known could be said to be indulged as kids has ended up with financial trouble at some time in their lives.

    Yes but I know some people who had very little as kids and who have ended up in financial trouble too.

    having said that I wonder if a lot of the financial troubles both lots have is more easy credit and the fact that they don't have to save in the same way their parents did to get something.

    That's perhaps a nation wide issue/attitude that's been prevalent the last few years, more than anything else I would think. Encouraged by banks and finance companies, although it's not just been young people that have had issues with that.
  • What name??What name?? Posts: 26,623
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    Hogzilla wrote: »
    I wonder if there's a difference between 'spoiling' with material things, time and affection and 'enabling'.

    Agreed. I was induldged as a child and still am. We were and do treat kids in our familly materially, are very affectionate, and they have attention and are taken out and about with us rather a lot including to expensive places. However I am firm about discipline and manners and what I expect from them.

    So there's spoiling and there's spoiling
  • eluf38eluf38 Posts: 4,874
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    Xela M wrote: »
    I understand what people are saying, but I always believed that children should not be burdened with their parents' money problems. They'll have their whole life to worry about money and how to make ends meet. Let's face it, life as an adult is not really a picnic, so I'll try to let my kids at least enjoy their childhood without having to worry about "adult problems".

    There's a difference between protecting children from adult problems and giving them everything they want.

    In my mind, one is protecting them from growing up too fast, the other is indulging them by giving into their every whim.

    I had a very happy childhood. I always felt that my parents loved and supported me. We had a fair amount of 'quality time', we had plenty of nice clothes and toys galore. I never wanted anything materially... but I most definately wasn't spoilt. A lot of my clothes and toys and books were hand-me-downs from family and friends. I knew that 'no, sweets will spoil your appetite and it's nearly tea time' meant NO SWEETS, and throwing a temper tantarum wouldn't get me anywhere. I had a beautiful bedroom and playroom/study, but I was expected to keep it clean and tidy. In fact, I spent the best part of every Saturday morning dusting and cleaning the house, from a very young age. One the rare occasions I sulked or behved badly I was made very aware of those less fortunate than me. (I have a memory of being shown Live Aid on video and becoming aware that there were children in the world who had literally nothing - not even loving parents or food.)
    I may have had what I wanted growing up, but in order to keep it I had to behave well, have good manners, take responsibility for my own things, show consideration for other people. I learnt not to take people for granted, to value what I had and to work for what I wanted.
    If I misbehaved my parents punished me quite severely - smacked accross the back of the legs, toys went in the bin, I was grounded, made to reflect on my behaviour and ALWAYS to applogise. I learnt that bad behaviour had concequences. But I they were always fair and I knew that and respected it. I always got the feeling that although I was having fun, childhood was preparation for 'growing up' and that they were teaching me rules which would guide me through life. I was allowed to be a child, but I was never allowed to forget that my behaviour had to demonstrate kindness and consideration for others.

    My grandparents, on the other hand, spolit me rotten and as I saw them every single day, it did have an effect on me and my sister. My Nan didn't know how to say 'no' to anything, and I'm ashamed to admit I could be quite self-centred when I was around her. I love her dearly, but I wish now she'd been stricter with me and not indugled me so much. She thought she was showing affection by giving me whatever I wanted. The same with my granddad - he bought me toys and sweets every week. I didn't appreciate it when I was younger (and all the sweets certainly didn't help my waistline). I think that the negative traits in my character, such as impatience and wanting to be a bit of a diva, and struggling to resist temptation, stem from my time with them.

    Being given so many treats and snacks warped my relationship with food. I learned to equate food with love and happiness, and it's been a battle to change and eat healthily. I've had to learn to stop spoiling myself with food - something my grandparents started.
    All I can say is thank goodness material possessions didn't have the same effect on me. I'd have turned out to be a right brat / snob. My work colleague had everything she wanted from her very rich parents, and has the most awful sense of entitlement, and no work ethic at all. She's a lovely, warm and friendly person, but she takes everything for granted and expects the world to revolve around her.

    There's nothing wrong with giving children a comfortable lifestyle, as long as they grow up with a decent work ethic and a respect for others. I think that time spent with your kids is far more important than giving them material things.
  • RorschachRorschach Posts: 10,818
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    My best friend's children are spoiled rotten to the point they are unbearable. They don't understand the word "no" unless its folllowed by a tantrum and I remember telling them they couldnt have a certain toy as I had "no pennies " to which one of them replied "Just go and take more out the bank" The child was four at the time!
    My sister-in-law and her husband are far better off than my wife and I and their children certainly want for nothing.

    When my wife was reading her Kindle one of the (9 year old) boys seemed very confused and kept asking why she didn't just buy an IPad 2 like they had because on the IPad not only could you read books but you could so many other things too and it was so much better.

    She tried to explain, but the fact that the IPad was £500 compared to £150 seemed to be a reason he just couldn't understand. Not having enough money to buy whatever you wanted was unheard of.
  • miss buzzybeemiss buzzybee Posts: 16,427
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    Anyone like this woman:

    http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/woman/3979976/Im-spending-3200-on-Christmas-its-paid-for-by-my-benefits.html

    is a fool for thinking they are doing the best for their kids, by spoiling them! A laptop at the age of five!!. I didn't get my own computer until I finished Uni!
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,282
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    My parents spoiled my sister so much that she becomes an inconsiderate person. She won't listen to anyone. I am the only one living with her now and I suffer a lot. She is one of the reasons I don't want to get marry and give birth.

    As many families have both parents working full-time now, I think the communications between parents and children are not enough. And the lack of monitoring and guidance bring forth more children being spoiled. Parents may not discover soon enough to correct the circumstance. It will be terrible to have the spoiled child portrayed in the article below.

    The Monologue of a Spoiled Child
    http://socyberty.com/education/the-monologue-of-a-spoiled-child/
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 2,301
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    If everything wanted is given, nothing is valued. As Oscar Wilde said 'knowing the price of everything but the value of nothing'
  • cnbcwatchercnbcwatcher Posts: 56,681
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    Anyone like this woman:

    http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/woman/3979976/Im-spending-3200-on-Christmas-its-paid-for-by-my-benefits.html

    is a fool for thinking they are doing the best for their kids, by spoiling them! A laptop at the age of five!!. I didn't get my own computer until I finished Uni!

    Now I think that's just ridiculous! :mad: I got my first laptop when I was 14. Before that I used the main family desktop. The laptop I'm typing this on is my second laptop ever. My old one's still in use; I reinstalled Windows and mum uses it for web surfing.
  • KarlSomethingKarlSomething Posts: 3,529
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    Maybe not quite at five, but the computer is a far more important tool these days, than when most of us were kids. Of course it can be used for even more nonsense than it could, too. But it's not about whether or not they have their own computer, it's how and how much they use them.
  • DinkyDooDinkyDoo Posts: 3,588
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    I have a half sister who is spoilt, shes now 17 and despite my dad and step mum not having much money she always gets what she wants.. That said she understands that they dont have much money, so when she wanted a blackberry, she was fine with the secondhand one she was given.

    My dad gives her all he can, which in my opinion at 17 is more than she deserves, she wont save for anything, so if she wants to go somewhere dad pays up as soon as he has the money. If he dont she kicks off and the yelling starts.

    I remember she had the biggest screaming fit at my dad when I told her she couldnt have a dog like the one from Marley and Me. There was no way realisticaly dad was ever going to afford a dog, nor was there anyway she was going to look after it.

    We dont live with them (thank god) but recently she came down to mine, and I was chatting and commented that I really liked some boots Id seen, her repsonse was 'get dad to buy them' when I said no i wouldnt ask that of him, her response was to say 'but thats what parents are for' I really did pull this face:eek:.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 7,363
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    Within reason most parents try to give their children things they never had as a child such as material things, affection, and more attention.
    It is a kind of instinct to want to do that isn't it?
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 681
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    I can see the appeal that when Christmas comes along that people with children who have the money can't help but spend a lot of money on their sprogs. Buy the presents and wrap them all the Christmas. The more the merrier in a sense.

    But whether you are rich or not every child should learn the value of money from an early age.

    Such as.. if your child wants a new games console AND a TV for Christmas.. why not give them one of them and tell them they have to save up/pay their own way for the other item.

    If you keep giving into your sprogs they are just always going to sponge off you and will want even more extravagant things when they are older.

    I don't get why children as young as 5 or whatever nowadays have a laptop!! I didn't get a laptop until I was 20 and I still paid towards that for Christmas!

    Give kids art things to play with and a load of spare sheets so they can build a den with! And books.. MAKE THEM READ. Give into the sprogs with "technology" when they are at a later age. If they are given all this crap now they will be well bored by the age of 10! Pfffffft.
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