Love - To declare or not declare?
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[Deleted User]
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Is it wrong to tell someone you love them if you know that it's highly likely that they won't love you back and they are in a relationship?
You know that by doing so you won't get the outcome you desire but that something deep inside you really feels the need to say it?
Regret saying it or regret not saying? Which is the better option?
You know that by doing so you won't get the outcome you desire but that something deep inside you really feels the need to say it?
Regret saying it or regret not saying? Which is the better option?
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Comments
you say you know it won't result in any reciprocal feelings.
if you love them, let them be happy in the relationship they are in and don't throw a potential spanner in the works.
I think it's this, I don't want to move on but I have no choice, hearing him tell me he doesn't love me or even telling me to eff off I think would stop me from clinging on to hope and fantasising about what could be.
My heart physically hurts and I'm trying to find a solution to stop it from hurting.
potentially ruin/upset someone just so that you feel better and can move on? or show your love for that person and deal with the issue yourself.
^^^This
there are 2 people in a relationship though, you don't know how the other person in the relationship would react to it.
you asked for advice and you got it.
Agree. I also know how much it can eat you up, but seriously, what is anyone going to gain from telling him? You will move on eventually. If he doesn't feel the same he's obviously not for you, but there is someone else out there who will be perfect.
He was also in a relationship, so I just waited for that to fizzle out, and then risked it all by letting him know how I felt.
If it's meant to be, you'll get there in the end, and sometimes love requires incredible patience, followed by a bit of nerve.
If he's happy then I'm happy but from a personal perspective and whether it is selfish, I want to tell him I love him, we've got a past and a connection and I just have the want and need to tell him. As for his relationship, well it wouldn't effect it especially if it's stable.
However, I understand all the points you make and I shall keep my mouth closed, let my heart hurt and hopefully heal and time do it's thing. Unfortunately, there don't seem to be any other choices.
For what it's worth, if it was me in this persons partners shoes, and I found out another woman had declared their love for him, knowing he's in a relationship, i would go bat shit crazy at her.
if you tell him, he will probably avoid you like the plague after
Me too. I'd also ask him to consider cutting all ties with the woman - I wouldn't want somebody in our lives who was trying to sabotage our relationship.
If the relationship was stable then it wouldn't matter and how would she ever know?!
It's not as if he feels the same anyway.
To her, that's how it would look.
You're right - if the relationship was stable, it wouldn't matter for the couple (not that that's any justification for causing them trouble), but it might ruin your friendship with the guy.
How would she not now? Do you expect this man to keep your 'secret' feelings from her once you share them with him? I know I wouldn't be keeping your secret for you if I were in the man's shoes.
On the other hand, you say you have a past with this man, so what makes you think he doesn't already know how you feel? You say you have a connection with him, but there will be people throughout your life you will have a connection with and while you are hankering after someone unavailable, you may just miss a connection that has the potential to be real and permanent. But you need to get your head out of Mills and Boon land first.
So there isn't a tiny part of you that hopes he says the feeling is mutual? Because if there is, then you are intentionally doing something that you know will ruin his relationship, and regardless of how you and he might hypothetically feel, you have no right to do that.
Also he would probably tell his partner, and like others have said, avoid you like the plague.
What the OP actually wants is not advice, but for people to confirm what he/she is about to do is the right thing. He/she doesn't really want advice at all.
You can easily spot these threads a mile off when the OP responds after receiving the advice he/she didn't want to hear.