OP you seem to have issues with everyone in your immediate family and your neighbours as your block "isn't the same as before". Are your expectations realistic?
You say your husband says he's iller then you- objectively who is coping best? As it sounds like you want his support and for him to cope for you but are you supporting him in turn?
You also say his mum has cancer which must be very stressful and upsetting for him
I think you'll find that women's aid organizations exist to help women who are in extreme physical danger from their partners, which the OP doesn't seem to be. Places are limited, and they're not for people who just want a rest (for a start, they're not exactly restful places, they're full of very troubled women and their small children).
I volunteer at a womans aid and know the score.my advice to op stands.
I volunteer at a womans aid and know the score.my advice to op stands.
My best friend worked in a women's refuge for 8 years. She gave it up last month because it was so stressful. They had partners turning up (because some of the women couldn't keep their mouths shut), stealing, rowdy behaviour and even (very tragically) a suicide.
I might be a little eccentric, but it's not the place I'd go for a rest cure. And my remarks about it being for women under threat of physical violence or death also stand, not just for someone who's a bit hacked off with their husband.
My best friend worked in a women's refuge for 8 years. She gave it up last month because it was so stressful. They had partners turning up (because some of the women couldn't keep their mouths shut), stealing, rowdy behaviour and even (very tragically) a suicide.
I might be a little eccentric, but it's not the place I'd go for a rest cure. And my remarks about it being for women under threat of physical violence or death also stand, not just for someone who's a bit hacked off with their husband.
where I volunteer occasionally people are taken in due to mental abuse,so my advice still stands.
I know this isn't a complete solution to the problems you are facing but I think you need to get wrapped up and take a bus/or drive out into the countryside and take a walk. I know it sounds simplistic, but sometimes the simple things are the best ones. take youe mobile and tall someone (not your husband) where you are going. Leave a note if you havce to, that way if anyone is worried and goes looking for you they will not think you've run away with the postman. I think a walk in the woods, near to nature can be very theraputic, you don't need to walk quickly aor very far, just stop every little while to listen to the wind and birds in the trees, keep an eye open there are lots of wild flowers and trees coming into leaf.
where I volunteer occasionally people are taken in due to mental abuse,so my advice still stands.
The OP isn't being mentally abused. Sure, her partner's not a prince and he's not being very helpful (although he did volunteer to be insulted by the noisy neighbour), but he's not mentally abusing her, and she's not in physical danger.
The OP isn't being mentally abused. Sure, her partner's not a prince and he's not being very helpful (although he did volunteer to be insulted by the noisy neighbour), but he's not mentally abusing her, and she's not in physical danger.
Not sure I would agree, given some of her other posts about her situation. I think she needs to do something a bit more drastic than go for a 'rest cure'.
Not sure I would agree, given some of her other posts about her situation. I think she needs to do something a bit more drastic than go for a 'rest cure'.
Well yes, ultimately she probably does, but it's her decision. I was just observing that a women's refuge probably wasn't the best place to go if you're of a nervous disposition anyway and you don't have to.
Sometimes people just want to moan/vent/get it off their chest. It helps them a little.
The OP could confide in a doctor. She seems to allowing herself to be trapped by circumstances. I suggest her health is as important as anyone else's and that she should seek help for her mental health. She is not mentally well at the moment in my opinion. That is one reason she resists suggestions meant to help.
I have been laid up with a high temperature and felt nauseous. Thankfully it is quiet but only temporarily. The a/hole owner seems to have a caring bypass as far as keeping us informed about progress and didn't apologise for her workman's aggression. She is responsible for them and if the boot was on the other foot, we would be getting it in the neck royally. My husband wasn't rude to him and we were expecting to have a quiet long weekend off!
You are right, I do talk and do very little as I feel trapped. I have been dogged by setbacks that have been hard to overcome every time I see a way out. Some might say excuses, no it is hard fear, fear of the unknown with precious little support.
My mental health is fine but I feel beaten.
My life is coming to a head - the dream flat I wanted has turned into a nightmare. The management company are useless and let some people do what they want and they don't care how much it affects the quality of our life. Like I say, when we do anything wrong, we get hassled no end!
After being away for a few days and seeing how bad this place has become, has made me think about my life as well. I don't expect other places are perfect but I got some respect which I haven't had for quite some time. The amount of inconsiderate, nasty rude people in my block these days has shocked me :eek:
My husband isn't going to change and I have to do something about that element of my life. He does have a lot on his plate and does help out. I am supportive and caring towards him - all I ask from him is to not be nasty when I reach a low ebb. Both parents are more ill than I am and I will get over mine very soon.
I have to tackle this one step at a time - they are big things on top of worrying about sick parents as well.
My husband went to our new doctors and they treat their patients like cattle. I was referred for counselling at my last one but life took over last year and I never got around to it.
I thought life got easier when kids grew up and leave home but mine spends on her money on clothes then runs to granny saying she can't afford put petrol in her car in the middle of the month. The same granny who is waiting for an operation and very sick herself this week.
We have carried her since we all came down 5 years ago but now refusing to but granny goes all soft and tries to guilt trip us into giving her another chance. When I was younger, I had to live within my means, so I could have clothes but still put fuel in my car as well!
We will make an official complaint to the management company about how we have been treated as soon as the man comes back from his holiday. I fear it will be a waste of time but as we pay maintenance, we expect to be treated with some consideration.
Eventually, I reckon I will have to come to terms with giving up the flat and being alone but it is difficult working out what to do that won't be another mistake.
OP...I genuinely feel for you but life is about actions and you don't seem to have done much to turn all your many negatives into positives.
When I turned 25 my mother was diagnosed with cancer and I attended her operations, chemo, radio appointments and so on. Whilst this was happening my dad had a stroke which left him severely disabled (they are divorced). My full time office job gave me one half day a week to travel to their homes, shop, cook, clean for them, and so on. Every night I was doing their laundry, travelling, shopping for them and so on. And every weekend too. I lost 2 stone. But during this incredibly stressful time of my life I still managed to stay positive and turn everything around because I had to. I find action is the best way to tackle dark thoughts. I've since married and had a baby and the way I coped 5 years ago when my parents were so sick has shaped my way of life since, for the better.
My point is, that for every negative try and find some positive action.
Your flat is noisy. But how long is this noise likely to go on? Surely not that much longer. Write to the management company to complain and threaten court action if you have to. They'll listen.
Your husband you describe in less than favourable terms. But OP, his mum has cancer, he has a skin condition, battles stress and obesity, and still in your words he tries to support you. OK you feel he could be less vile to you - are you nice to him 100% of the time? Or maybe it gets to you both, and you're guilty of using each other as a stress release? All these people advising you to take a walk - how about you do that with your husband. Have a chat. Support each other. If you aren't going to leave him, OP, why not work on your relationship. If you can't or won't, then leave him, because why are you in this no mans land of action / upset?
Your Mum's house is messy - fine - can you not go out somewhere with her though? Or just ignore the mess and watch a DVD together, or take some nice food over? Surely she needs company and reassurance when she's sick, not judging.
And your daughter - what she's been through can't have been easy, you want her to be independent and self sufficient, well, lead by example, OP, is all I can say. You need to be more positive and you need to channel support towards others. You were offered counselling but you didn't take it up. Why? In the doctor you have someone who genuinely understands your need for support, but instead you bury your head in the sand. Go back to your doctor and re-arrange it and attend. You may be surprised at the strong person who is inside us all.
Sorry if this sounds harsh or not what you were expecting. But making constant excuses and carrying on and being miserable is no life. And any changes for the positive you make are all down to one person - not your husband, not your mother or daughter - you.
OP...I genuinely feel for you but life is about actions and you don't seem to have done much to turn all your many negatives into positives.
When I turned 25 my mother was diagnosed with cancer and I attended her operations, chemo, radio appointments and so on. Whilst this was happening my dad had a stroke which left him severely disabled (they are divorced). My full time office job gave me one half day a week to travel to their homes, shop, cook, clean for them, and so on. Every night I was doing their laundry, travelling, shopping for them and so on. And every weekend too. I lost 2 stone. But during this incredibly stressful time of my life I still managed to stay positive and turn everything around because I had to. I find action is the best way to tackle dark thoughts. I've since married and had a baby and the way I coped 5 years ago when my parents were so sick has shaped my way of life since, for the better.
My point is, that for every negative try and find some positive action.
Your flat is noisy. But how long is this noise likely to go on? Surely not that much longer. Write to the management company to complain and threaten court action if you have to. They'll listen.
Your husband you describe in less than favourable terms. But OP, his mum has cancer, he has a skin condition, battles stress and obesity, and still in your words he tries to support you. OK you feel he could be less vile to you - are you nice to him 100% of the time? Or maybe it gets to you both, and you're guilty of using each other as a stress release? All these people advising you to take a walk - how about you do that with your husband. Have a chat. Support each other. If you aren't going to leave him, OP, why not work on your relationship. If you can't or won't, then leave him, because why are you in this no mans land of action / upset?
Your Mum's house is messy - fine - can you not go out somewhere with her though? Or just ignore the mess and watch a DVD together, or take some nice food over? Surely she needs company and reassurance when she's sick, not judging.
And your daughter - what she's been through can't have been easy, you want her to be independent and self sufficient, well, lead by example, OP, is all I can say. You need to be more positive and you need to channel support towards others. You were offered counselling but you didn't take it up. Why? In the doctor you have someone who genuinely understands your need for support, but instead you bury your head in the sand. Go back to your doctor and re-arrange it and attend. You may be surprised at the strong person who is inside us all.
Sorry if this sounds harsh or not what you were expecting. But making constant excuses and carrying on and being miserable is no life. And any changes for the positive you make are all down to one person - not your husband, not your mother or daughter - you.
Can't add anything to this, brilliant post. You have to start somewhere to improve your situation, however small the step. But if you never start, things will never get better.
I hope cstar takes some of this excellent advice - she has been posting similar problems with husband / son / mother / house ever since I signed up originally (previous account) back in 2006 or 2007.
The sad thing about a bad marriage/relationship is that usually the woman ends up with little to no confidence to cope with making any kind of decision. I think if my partner did not support me when I was ill, it will be a "deal breaker". What is the Point of being with someone who cannot Support you through difficult times. You have to do some serious thinking about your LIFE, what you WANT and if you are prepared to stand on your own two feet.
I hope cstar takes some of this excellent advice - she has been posting similar problems with husband / son / mother / house ever since I signed up originally (previous account) back in 2006 or 2007.
Gosh, I had no idea. Have an ex-friend like this, constantly complaining but has no desire to Change her Situation. Very sad as friends end up not being able to cope with it and the individual is even more isolated. Hope cstar gets a grip and tries to Change her life.
The sad thing about a bad marriage/relationship is that usually the woman ends up with little to no confidence to cope with making any kind of decision. I think if my partner did not support me when I was ill, it will be a "deal breaker". What is the Point of being with someone who cannot Support you through difficult times. You have to do some serious thinking about your LIFE, what you WANT and if you are prepared to stand on your own two feet.
This, exactly. Everybody has their breaking point.
Your husband is bullying you because he can. He is a coward & you are allowing him to be. You see the pattern: other people abuse him ( probably men) so he is abusive to you. You are the " weaker woman" in his eyes. Only you can stop it. I am sorry, you are not well, but you have to get tough & mean it.
I hope cstar takes some of this excellent advice - she has been posting similar problems with husband / son / mother / house ever since I signed up originally (previous account) back in 2006 or 2007.
She never takes advice. I lost patience with her in 2007 ish when she was complaining about neighbours' children making the slightest noise. She was also complaining bitterly about her own son at the time.
Comments
You say your husband says he's iller then you- objectively who is coping best? As it sounds like you want his support and for him to cope for you but are you supporting him in turn?
You also say his mum has cancer which must be very stressful and upsetting for him
I volunteer at a womans aid and know the score.my advice to op stands.
My best friend worked in a women's refuge for 8 years. She gave it up last month because it was so stressful. They had partners turning up (because some of the women couldn't keep their mouths shut), stealing, rowdy behaviour and even (very tragically) a suicide.
I might be a little eccentric, but it's not the place I'd go for a rest cure. And my remarks about it being for women under threat of physical violence or death also stand, not just for someone who's a bit hacked off with their husband.
where I volunteer occasionally people are taken in due to mental abuse,so my advice still stands.
And then go back to the pig you live with...
The OP isn't being mentally abused. Sure, her partner's not a prince and he's not being very helpful (although he did volunteer to be insulted by the noisy neighbour), but he's not mentally abusing her, and she's not in physical danger.
Not sure I would agree, given some of her other posts about her situation. I think she needs to do something a bit more drastic than go for a 'rest cure'.
Well yes, ultimately she probably does, but it's her decision. I was just observing that a women's refuge probably wasn't the best place to go if you're of a nervous disposition anyway and you don't have to.
The OP could confide in a doctor. She seems to allowing herself to be trapped by circumstances. I suggest her health is as important as anyone else's and that she should seek help for her mental health. She is not mentally well at the moment in my opinion. That is one reason she resists suggestions meant to help.
What does your doctor say, if anything, OP?
I have been laid up with a high temperature and felt nauseous. Thankfully it is quiet but only temporarily. The a/hole owner seems to have a caring bypass as far as keeping us informed about progress and didn't apologise for her workman's aggression. She is responsible for them and if the boot was on the other foot, we would be getting it in the neck royally. My husband wasn't rude to him and we were expecting to have a quiet long weekend off!
You are right, I do talk and do very little as I feel trapped. I have been dogged by setbacks that have been hard to overcome every time I see a way out. Some might say excuses, no it is hard fear, fear of the unknown with precious little support.
My mental health is fine but I feel beaten.
My life is coming to a head - the dream flat I wanted has turned into a nightmare. The management company are useless and let some people do what they want and they don't care how much it affects the quality of our life. Like I say, when we do anything wrong, we get hassled no end!
After being away for a few days and seeing how bad this place has become, has made me think about my life as well. I don't expect other places are perfect but I got some respect which I haven't had for quite some time. The amount of inconsiderate, nasty rude people in my block these days has shocked me :eek:
My husband isn't going to change and I have to do something about that element of my life. He does have a lot on his plate and does help out. I am supportive and caring towards him - all I ask from him is to not be nasty when I reach a low ebb. Both parents are more ill than I am and I will get over mine very soon.
I have to tackle this one step at a time - they are big things on top of worrying about sick parents as well.
My husband went to our new doctors and they treat their patients like cattle. I was referred for counselling at my last one but life took over last year and I never got around to it.
I thought life got easier when kids grew up and leave home but mine spends on her money on clothes then runs to granny saying she can't afford put petrol in her car in the middle of the month. The same granny who is waiting for an operation and very sick herself this week.
We have carried her since we all came down 5 years ago but now refusing to but granny goes all soft and tries to guilt trip us into giving her another chance. When I was younger, I had to live within my means, so I could have clothes but still put fuel in my car as well!
We will make an official complaint to the management company about how we have been treated as soon as the man comes back from his holiday. I fear it will be a waste of time but as we pay maintenance, we expect to be treated with some consideration.
Eventually, I reckon I will have to come to terms with giving up the flat and being alone but it is difficult working out what to do that won't be another mistake.
When I turned 25 my mother was diagnosed with cancer and I attended her operations, chemo, radio appointments and so on. Whilst this was happening my dad had a stroke which left him severely disabled (they are divorced). My full time office job gave me one half day a week to travel to their homes, shop, cook, clean for them, and so on. Every night I was doing their laundry, travelling, shopping for them and so on. And every weekend too. I lost 2 stone. But during this incredibly stressful time of my life I still managed to stay positive and turn everything around because I had to. I find action is the best way to tackle dark thoughts. I've since married and had a baby and the way I coped 5 years ago when my parents were so sick has shaped my way of life since, for the better.
My point is, that for every negative try and find some positive action.
Your flat is noisy. But how long is this noise likely to go on? Surely not that much longer. Write to the management company to complain and threaten court action if you have to. They'll listen.
Your husband you describe in less than favourable terms. But OP, his mum has cancer, he has a skin condition, battles stress and obesity, and still in your words he tries to support you. OK you feel he could be less vile to you - are you nice to him 100% of the time? Or maybe it gets to you both, and you're guilty of using each other as a stress release? All these people advising you to take a walk - how about you do that with your husband. Have a chat. Support each other. If you aren't going to leave him, OP, why not work on your relationship. If you can't or won't, then leave him, because why are you in this no mans land of action / upset?
Your Mum's house is messy - fine - can you not go out somewhere with her though? Or just ignore the mess and watch a DVD together, or take some nice food over? Surely she needs company and reassurance when she's sick, not judging.
And your daughter - what she's been through can't have been easy, you want her to be independent and self sufficient, well, lead by example, OP, is all I can say. You need to be more positive and you need to channel support towards others. You were offered counselling but you didn't take it up. Why? In the doctor you have someone who genuinely understands your need for support, but instead you bury your head in the sand. Go back to your doctor and re-arrange it and attend. You may be surprised at the strong person who is inside us all.
Sorry if this sounds harsh or not what you were expecting. But making constant excuses and carrying on and being miserable is no life. And any changes for the positive you make are all down to one person - not your husband, not your mother or daughter - you.
Can't add anything to this, brilliant post. You have to start somewhere to improve your situation, however small the step. But if you never start, things will never get better.
Gosh, I had no idea. Have an ex-friend like this, constantly complaining but has no desire to Change her Situation. Very sad as friends end up not being able to cope with it and the individual is even more isolated. Hope cstar gets a grip and tries to Change her life.
This, exactly. Everybody has their breaking point.
She never takes advice. I lost patience with her in 2007 ish when she was complaining about neighbours' children making the slightest noise. She was also complaining bitterly about her own son at the time.