Thanks. I really am genuine and a reasonable bloke here. I was put off posting this for fear of the usual 'you're jealous' crap. There are always posters like 'What name??' where the posts are absolutely drenched in cynicism.
My gut feeling is a bad one and I'm coming round to the idea that I couldn't really put up with this in the long term.
They've only been friends for three years (maybe 4). She is still in touch with her own parents sees them at the weekend etc... so it's not really that. Although I know his family don't have a daughter?
My gut feeling after a lot of thinking is that he might have been persuaded to 'go for it' and bag himself a lovely new girlfriend by the family and that me coming along has rained on everyone's parade. They have been so overly generous and nice to her that they probably wanted to put pressure on us because he or they feel panicked into missing a chance. Well sadly it has put a strain on me so it's working!
I could be getting it all wrong and over thinking it... I'll have to talk to her later when she gets home.
Do you get on ok with your GF's male friend? Could you have a word with him about it? Maybe if he knew about how you feel he might change his behaviour a bit. Maybe the situation between them has cropped up before with previous partners they've both had.
It's odd that she isn't sensitive to your feelings, OP.
I've been seeing someone for a few months who I'm madly in love with, but I have a male best friend who I've known over half my life. And who I've slept with, and done the whole "I fancy him, now I've moved on he fancies me" drama with.
Male best friend is jealous as hell about the new boyfriend, and the new boyfriend knows this - I haven't concealed anything from him. He knows MBF and I slept together, that MBF has given me large amounts of money before when I've been on the bones of my bum and stressed it's not to be paid back, he knows that MBF helped me through the darkest time of my life and he's someone I'm always going to have a close, special bond with. And that if new boyfriend and I argue, I'm probably going to talk it through with MBF and have a bit of a bitch. And that if I get depressed again, I'm more likely to turn to MBF to help me out.
New boyfriend is completely fine with it all. He's a little unnerved that we're so close, but I make sure I don't hide anything and make sure that he's still ok with it and he doesn't feel threatened. But I do what I can to make him feel secure and so far, it's working out for us.
But I would be surprised if the thought that you may be jealous has never crossed her mind..
They've only been friends for three years (maybe 4).
Reading this thread, I was thinking they were old childhood friends or something. What you describe sounds a tad intense for two people who've only known each other for three years and have not been in a relationship.
If they'd known each of most of their lives, what you describe would be quite normal. Comforting someone you've known for 15 years would be a natural reaction for both. A rich family paying for holidays for their son and his friend that they've known since they were a toddler wouldn't be too unusual, either.
But for someone they've only known for three years? That's odd.
3 years isn't that long. I thought as well that you were going on about a lifelong friendship.
I don't know, it's a difficult one. You seem to be a pretty reasonable guy however.
I actually lived with my ex-boyfriend/best friend in a shared house while I was at University (I'd lived with him and we'd gone out for 3 1/2 years before this). Everything was fine until new boyfriend came on the scene who forced me to move out. Eventually it came to almost picking between my friend and boyfriend, the friend won.
My husband however, was fine with me being such good friends with my ex. Eventually, over time, I got less close to my ex because my husband became my best friend as well as my boyfriend. This should happen over time.
I would hang in there OP, maybe bring up your concerns with your girlfriend, just don't sound like you want to come between her and her friend.
The family element however, that is a little strange. I'd be worried there...
I feel for you - i've seen this situation a few times although thankfully never had it happen to me.
Have you or your gf no single girl friends you can set his guy up with, because one things for sure most girls would not put up with their bf going away with a girl frind and his parents doting on her.
Just an idea, but like you say all you're going to get is 'you're jealous' and 'we're just friends' and this maybe a way to keep their friendship but stop the weird things happening.
Do you get on ok with your GF's male friend? Could you have a word with him about it?
Bingo!
I've got a lass best mate who I used to flatshare with and everyone just presumed that the extras were happening as well. She is gorgeous but there is no sexually chemistry between us and anyone on the Scottish Fitba Thread will confirm I'm not gay.:D:D:D
When she first moved away to study we'd be on messenger for hours or texting each other until the wee small hours or drunken phoning each other at 5 o'clock on a Sunday morning.
When she told me she had a lad I distanced myself a bit from her out of respect to the lad as the friendship we had was really close and took up a lot of our time. It was important I step back so she had time with him without me texting or phoning and basically being a nuisance.
She ended up falling out with me as she thought I was ignoring her but I explained why I was being a bit more stand-offish and it was sorted. The first time I met her lad I could tell he wasn't sure about me and had it been in reverse it would have been for the exact same reasons. I'd have been thinking "what's his game?" as well. A quick chat sorted it out, basically a "I'm not interested in her like that so you have no worries there" and a "if you think I'm overstepping the mark tell me and I'll back off" followed by "pint of lager?" and it was sorted.
I'd have a word with the friend, if he is any sort of friend to your GF then he'll know what he needs to do.
It's odd that she isn't sensitive to your feelings, OP.
I've been seeing someone for a few months who I'm madly in love with, but I have a male best friend who I've known over half my life. And who I've slept with, and done the whole "I fancy him, now I've moved on he fancies me" drama with.
Male best friend is jealous as hell about the new boyfriend, and the new boyfriend knows this - I haven't concealed anything from him. He knows MBF and I slept together, that MBF has given me large amounts of money before when I've been on the bones of my bum and stressed it's not to be paid back, he knows that MBF helped me through the darkest time of my life and he's someone I'm always going to have a close, special bond with. And that if new boyfriend and I argue, I'm probably going to talk it through with MBF and have a bit of a bitch. And that if I get depressed again, I'm more likely to turn to MBF to help me out.
New boyfriend is completely fine with it all. He's a little unnerved that we're so close, but I make sure I don't hide anything and make sure that he's still ok with it and he doesn't feel threatened. But I do what I can to make him feel secure and so far, it's working out for us.
But I would be surprised if the thought that you may be jealous has never crossed her mind..
I don't really understand this. If my fiance had a female friend that he'd previously slept with, that was jealous of me being on the scene and that I knew he would talk to about me if we were having problems I would be beyond gutted. Not critisising as whatever works for you I guess but I have always felt that your partner should be your best friend, confidant and the person you turn to during tough times.
I don't really understand this. If my fiance had a female friend that he'd previously slept with, that was jealous of me being on the scene and that I knew he would talk to about me if we were having problems I would be beyond gutted. Not critisising as whatever works for you I guess but I have always felt that your partner should be your best friend, confidant and the person you turn to during tough times.
Yeah, I thought that would come out sounding weird. What I mean is, girls usually have a bit of a moan to other girlfriends about their boyfriends (in my experience anyway) but my MBF is the one I'd do that with. And likewise if he has girl trouble he talks to me about it. I asked my boyfriend if he'd rather I didn't do it, as opposed to just saying "this is how it's gonna be", and he said he didn't mind at all, as long as it was respectful which it always would be.
I'm lucky to have someone so understanding though, I know, he's a wonderful man and it's clear how much I adore him, so he knows he has nothing to worry about
Yeah, I thought that would come out sounding weird. What I mean is, girls usually have a bit of a moan to other girlfriends about their boyfriends (in my experience anyway) but my MBF is the one I'd do that with. And likewise if he has girl trouble he talks to me about it. I asked my boyfriend if he'd rather I didn't do it, as opposed to just saying "this is how it's gonna be", and he said he didn't mind at all, as long as it was respectful which it always would be.
I'm lucky to have someone so understanding though, I know, he's a wonderful man and it's clear how much I adore him, so he knows he has nothing to worry about
If it works for everybody and everybody's happy that's fantastic. He does indeed sound like a great and understanding guy and you've also clearly thought about the situation and are sensitive of his feelings. I was just intrigued as it's so far away from my experience and what I could cope with but he's probably more secure and less neurotic than me :-)
Not critisising as whatever works for you I guess but I have always felt that your partner should be your best friend, confidant and the person you turn to during tough times.
Yes, but it's nice to have more than 1 friend and confident. In fact its great to have several. And it's also nice to trust your partner and leave them the space to enjoy the companionship of people other than oneself. We are on an advice site which is useful because you get various viewpoints and the same thing works with friends. From a guy point this doesn't have to be threatening as in my experience most male friends actually stick up for the guy's point of view.
I'd be far more worried that her best friend was a threat if she were attempting to hide their closeness than what she is doing right now.
It's odd that she isn't sensitive to your feelings, OP.
I've been seeing someone for a few months who I'm madly in love with, but I have a male best friend who I've known over half my life. And who I've slept with, and done the whole "I fancy him, now I've moved on he fancies me" drama with.
Male best friend is jealous as hell about the new boyfriend, and the new boyfriend knows this - I haven't concealed anything from him. He knows MBF and I slept together, that MBF has given me large amounts of money before when I've been on the bones of my bum and stressed it's not to be paid back, he knows that MBF helped me through the darkest time of my life and he's someone I'm always going to have a close, special bond with. And that if new boyfriend and I argue, I'm probably going to talk it through with MBF and have a bit of a bitch. And that if I get depressed again, I'm more likely to turn to MBF to help me out.
New boyfriend is completely fine with it all. He's a little unnerved that we're so close, but I make sure I don't hide anything and make sure that he's still ok with it and he doesn't feel threatened. But I do what I can to make him feel secure and so far, it's working out for us.
But I would be surprised if the thought that you may be jealous has never crossed her mind..
Yeah I had one like you...we were engaged and she ran off with MBF two years later. Six months down the road and she was married to him.
I'm done with women and their MBF's. Have friends yeah, but thats taking the mickey.
I wouldnt try and force you to 'dump' him though. I'm not a neandrathal I'd just walk away...:)
Edit
And the reason your boyfriend tolerates it is because he's 'new' and probably realises he cant come into your life and start throwing around orders as to who you can and can not see.
However, if 2 years down the line you're still acting like your MBF is the biggest love of your life, rather than your boyfriend, he'll be rightly annoyed.
To sumarise - it bothers him but he's not saying anything.
Yes, but it's nice to have more than 1 friend and confident. In fact its great to have several. And it's also nice to trust your partner and leave them the space to enjoy the companionship of people other than oneself. We are on an advice site which is useful because you get various viewpoints and the same thing works with friends. From a guy point this doesn't have to be threatening as in my experience most male friends actually stick up for the guy's point of view.
I'd be far more worried that her best friend was a threat if she were attempting to hide their closeness than what she is doing right now.
I have a male best friend and we are incredibly close.......we have stayed in the same hotel room (in separate beds) and he has often stayed at mine (on the sofa bed) as I have his after a drunken night out. We met on a dating site (he was my first date) and we go on like a house on fire...without a spark!
We were both trying to get over previous relationships so were in the same place and we used to talk for hours about life, relationships etc...he would call every night, even when out of the country. I used to joke that I was his platonic wife.
We both stayed on the dating site and continued to have dates and shared our experiences. He used to check that I was home okay and told me I had to call him if I was ever in trouble or uncomfortable with a date....he was quite insistent about this one night when I wasnt completely certain about a date, even though he too was on one. God knows what his date would have made of that.
I did meet someone (my best friend even chaparoned the date my loitering in the same pub because he wasnt too sure of the fella I was meeting). Strange really as he ended up being the one I liked the best....we are together two years on from that. He wasnt completely sure of my best friend but as best friend was there first and as nothing had happened I assume he figured he would try to trust me...he did make the odd comment and was keen to contact me when I returned from a trip away with my best friend but maybe he just missed me. Anyhow he has been really good about it.
My best friend recently got together with my best female friend and what was a bit weird. I was absolutely delighted because they are both lovely people but felt a bit like I had lost two best friends as they were really keen on each other but they have included me as much as they can. I have given them both space and they took it...I have developed other relationships so have filled the gap but I know they will always be there for me if I need either of them. She doesnt have any issue with me at all and is happy for him to keep the same contact if he wants to but it has dropped off quite naturally.
My best friend did have one relationship where she was wildly jealous of me. She met me and knew I had another relationship and was crazy about my fella (I made sure she knew that) but she remained very jealous. Unfortunately instead of talking to him about her feelings she told him that our friendship was unnatural saying it was weird. Told him her friends felt the same. I replied to a text he send me (droned on about my fella being lovely in the same text becasue I knew he was with her and I was trying to be sensitive because I knew she had commented on me before). Apparently she hit the roof and said I was rude to text when he was with her, they had a huge row. It was made worse by the fact that I had been invited to a dinner party at his house, she and other friends would be there but he hadnt confirmed the time and I darent text him and ask....thankfully he rang just before it was due to start so I got there in time.
She blew a fuse a couple more times and it ended.....weird that he ended up with my best friend who she had also met but that didnt bother her. I never was a threat.
What I am saying OP is that maybe you ought to trust her, I know you say you do but if you did wholeheartedly you wouldnt have started the thread so you must have just a tiny weeny bit of doubt. If you do decide to talk to her accept responsibility for your feelings when you do...make sure she knows she is not to blame. If she understands what you are saying she will understand that you just need a little more reassurance (thats probably all it will take).
Try to remember that if their friendship is absolutely genuine, which I am sure is the case, they will both be completely confused about why you are upset about their friendship.....they just wont get you. I know this because it never occured to me to fancy my best friend so I was astonished that his girlfriend thought something was going on....he was just annoyed by her approach.
I think you should talk about it....talking is the key to any relationship but make sure your approach is good. Good luck...but I actually dont think you will need it.
It's odd that she isn't sensitive to your feelings, OP.
I've been seeing someone for a few months who I'm madly in love with, but I have a male best friend who I've known over half my life. And who I've slept with, and done the whole "I fancy him, now I've moved on he fancies me" drama with.
Male best friend is jealous as hell about the new boyfriend, and the new boyfriend knows this - I haven't concealed anything from him. He knows MBF and I slept together, that MBF has given me large amounts of money before when I've been on the bones of my bum and stressed it's not to be paid back, he knows that MBF helped me through the darkest time of my life and he's someone I'm always going to have a close, special bond with. And that if new boyfriend and I argue, I'm probably going to talk it through with MBF and have a bit of a bitch. And that if I get depressed again, I'm more likely to turn to MBF to help me out.
New boyfriend is completely fine with it all. He's a little unnerved that we're so close, but I make sure I don't hide anything and make sure that he's still ok with it and he doesn't feel threatened. But I do what I can to make him feel secure and so far, it's working out for us.
But I would be surprised if the thought that you may be jealous has never crossed her mind..
I have to agree with post 88 on this. I don't think your boyfriend wants to rock the boat. I have a wonderful partner but if he thought I had bitched behind his back with MBF he would be gutted. I do have a MBF but my friendship with him has had compromises added to it since my partner came along, such as I won't stay over at his house any more. He comes to visit US as a couple and they get along fine.
I also find the fact you are saying that you talk it over with MBF and have a bitch incredibly disloyal to your new boyfriend.
I don't know who you or your boyfriend is but I feel sorry for your boyfriend.
I have to agree with post 88 on this. I don't think your boyfriend wants to rock the boat. I have a wonderful partner but if he thought I had bitched behind his back with MBF he would be gutted. I do have a MBF but my friendship with him has had compromises added to it since my partner came along, such as I won't stay over at his house any more. He comes to visit US as a couple and they get along fine.
I also find the fact you are saying that you talk it over with MBF and have a bitch incredibly disloyal to your new boyfriend.
I don't know who you or your boyfriend is but I feel sorry for your boyfriend.
Oh, no need to feel sorry for him! Like I (think I) said, I make more of a deal about it making sure he's ok with everything, than he does. If he is worried about it, he deserves an Oscar. But if he's lying about not being worried, there's nothing I can do since he tells me he's not bothered, and I don't want to make a deal over it when it's not an issue.
And I don't really see it as being disloyal having a bit of a moan. Most girls will have a bit of a whine to their friends every blue moon. It's nothing serious, it's not like he's my shoulder to cry on, it's more like "oh, he upset me a bit the other day when he said xxx" and my MBF says "stop being a sensitive cow, he didn't mean it like that and you know it".
My MBF has been in my life for 20+ years, he's seen me through everything, and the way I see it, it's incredibly disloyal if I back off just in case my boyfriend is lying about being cool with me having a MBF. And I'd feel sorry for him if I did that. To me, that's just not cool. My boyfriend knows that I'm willing to compromise on aspects of my friendship for him, and he knows that I've never offered that before so I think he's special and worth keeping. But he's more than happy about the way things are, and more concerned about what he wants for dinner, so no need to feel like he's hard done by
I have a male best friend and we are incredibly close.......we have stayed in the same hotel room (in separate beds) and he has often stayed at mine (on the sofa bed) as I have his after a drunken night out. We met on a dating site (he was my first date) and we go on like a house on fire...without a spark!
We were both trying to get over previous relationships so were in the same place and we used to talk for hours about life, relationships etc...he would call every night, even when out of the country. I used to joke that I was his platonic wife.
We both stayed on the dating site and continued to have dates and shared our experiences. He used to check that I was home okay and told me I had to call him if I was ever in trouble or uncomfortable with a date....he was quite insistent about this one night when I wasnt completely certain about a date, even though he too was on one. God knows what his date would have made of that.
I did meet someone (my best friend even chaparoned the date my loitering in the same pub because he wasnt too sure of the fella I was meeting). Strange really as he ended up being the one I liked the best....we are together two years on from that. He wasnt completely sure of my best friend but as best friend was there first and as nothing had happened I assume he figured he would try to trust me...he did make the odd comment and was keen to contact me when I returned from a trip away with my best friend but maybe he just missed me. Anyhow he has been really good about it.
My best friend recently got together with my best female friend and what was a bit weird. I was absolutely delighted because they are both lovely people but felt a bit like I had lost two best friends as they were really keen on each other but they have included me as much as they can. I have given them both space and they took it...I have developed other relationships so have filled the gap but I know they will always be there for me if I need either of them. She doesnt have any issue with me at all and is happy for him to keep the same contact if he wants to but it has dropped off quite naturally.
My best friend did have one relationship where she was wildly jealous of me. She met me and knew I had another relationship and was crazy about my fella (I made sure she knew that) but she remained very jealous. Unfortunately instead of talking to him about her feelings she told him that our friendship was unnatural saying it was weird. Told him her friends felt the same. I replied to a text he send me (droned on about my fella being lovely in the same text becasue I knew he was with her and I was trying to be sensitive because I knew she had commented on me before). Apparently she hit the roof and said I was rude to text when he was with her, they had a huge row. It was made worse by the fact that I had been invited to a dinner party at his house, she and other friends would be there but he hadnt confirmed the time and I darent text him and ask....thankfully he rang just before it was due to start so I got there in time.
She blew a fuse a couple more times and it ended.....weird that he ended up with my best friend who she had also met but that didnt bother her. I never was a threat.
What I am saying OP is that maybe you ought to trust her, I know you say you do but if you did wholeheartedly you wouldnt have started the thread so you must have just a tiny weeny bit of doubt. If you do decide to talk to her accept responsibility for your feelings when you do...make sure she knows she is not to blame. If she understands what you are saying she will understand that you just need a little more reassurance (thats probably all it will take).
Try to remember that if their friendship is absolutely genuine, which I am sure is the case, they will both be completely confused about why you are upset about their friendship.....they just wont get you. I know this because it never occured to me to fancy my best friend so I was astonished that his girlfriend thought something was going on....he was just annoyed by her approach.
I think you should talk about it....talking is the key to any relationship but make sure your approach is good. Good luck...but I actually dont think you will need it.
Am I the only one to think that going on holiday with your MBF (or FBF!) without taking your other half is taking the p***? You're awefully naive if you think that doesn't bother him.
Am I the only one to think that going on holiday with your MBF (or FBF!) without taking your other half is taking the p***? You're awefully naive if you think that doesn't bother him.
I'm guessing this would be an issue for you but judging by the vast range of reactions to those who have friends of the opposite sex that isnt true for everyone.
Surely its a question of trust rather than naivity or piss taking....if my partner had any worries he would talk to me as I would him.
I'm guessing this would be an issue for you but judging by the vast range of reactions to those who have friends of the opposite sex that isnt true for everyone.
Surely its a question of trust rather than naivity or piss taking....if my partner had any worries he would talk to me as I would him.
What do you think this was about:
"he did make the odd comment and was keen to contact me when I returned from a trip away with my best friend but maybe he just missed me"
Or maybe he was thinking wtf! He may not have come out and said something but reading between the lines, he was obviously a bit unsure about it.
"he did make the odd comment and was keen to contact me when I returned from a trip away with my best friend but maybe he just missed me"
Or maybe he was thinking wtf! He may not have come out and said something but reading between the lines, he was obviously a bit unsure about it.
Actually I know what it was about because I wrote it
We are both open and honest with each other and would never restrict each other because of petty insecurities...we would talk. He wouldnt be 'thinking wtf' he would talk which is what any rational person would do.
Jealous people tend to find out that it works to go out with people that are equally possessive and understand their feelings and the those tolerent and social tend to find out that they prefer partners who are too. Occassionally however people compromise. Also sometimes people become more or less trusting in time depending on their life experiences and how long they have been with a partner and of course on how long their partner has been friends with someone of the oppositve gender with no flirting or sex involved.
Jealous people tend to find out that it works to go out with people that are equally possessive and understand their feelings and the those tolerent and social tend to find out that they prefer partners who are too. Occassionally however people compromise. Also sometimes people become more or less trusting in time depending on their life experiences and how long they have been with a partner and of course on how long their partner has been friends with someone of the oppositve gender with no flirting or sex involved.
I'd agree with this.....when people start a relationship they define the dynamics of that relationship. If one partner is overly jealous and or trust issues I think it is probably difficult for a more secure partner to understand because they have a different perspective.
Two more insecure partners will have more empathy with each other which maintains the balance in the relationship.
Because I have close male friends and can see how it is possible without affecting the relationship or my feelings for my partner I can see how that would be the case in reverse so I can accept him doing the same.
I have always believed fidelity is from within rather than something that is imposed by the other partner. Despite other opportunities I choose to be with my partner and he knows that. If it were something he felt he had to monitor or restrict it means he doesnt believe he is my choice and is therefore mistrusting my feelings and any reassurance I give him.
Lets face it, a huge number of infidelities begin on the internet so the obvious friendship isnt necessarily the threat. How closely does someone want to monitor their partner?
Comments
Do you get on ok with your GF's male friend? Could you have a word with him about it? Maybe if he knew about how you feel he might change his behaviour a bit. Maybe the situation between them has cropped up before with previous partners they've both had.
I've been seeing someone for a few months who I'm madly in love with, but I have a male best friend who I've known over half my life. And who I've slept with, and done the whole "I fancy him, now I've moved on he fancies me" drama with.
Male best friend is jealous as hell about the new boyfriend, and the new boyfriend knows this - I haven't concealed anything from him. He knows MBF and I slept together, that MBF has given me large amounts of money before when I've been on the bones of my bum and stressed it's not to be paid back, he knows that MBF helped me through the darkest time of my life and he's someone I'm always going to have a close, special bond with. And that if new boyfriend and I argue, I'm probably going to talk it through with MBF and have a bit of a bitch. And that if I get depressed again, I'm more likely to turn to MBF to help me out.
New boyfriend is completely fine with it all. He's a little unnerved that we're so close, but I make sure I don't hide anything and make sure that he's still ok with it and he doesn't feel threatened. But I do what I can to make him feel secure and so far, it's working out for us.
But I would be surprised if the thought that you may be jealous has never crossed her mind..
Reading this thread, I was thinking they were old childhood friends or something. What you describe sounds a tad intense for two people who've only known each other for three years and have not been in a relationship.
If they'd known each of most of their lives, what you describe would be quite normal. Comforting someone you've known for 15 years would be a natural reaction for both. A rich family paying for holidays for their son and his friend that they've known since they were a toddler wouldn't be too unusual, either.
But for someone they've only known for three years? That's odd.
I don't know, it's a difficult one. You seem to be a pretty reasonable guy however.
I actually lived with my ex-boyfriend/best friend in a shared house while I was at University (I'd lived with him and we'd gone out for 3 1/2 years before this). Everything was fine until new boyfriend came on the scene who forced me to move out. Eventually it came to almost picking between my friend and boyfriend, the friend won.
My husband however, was fine with me being such good friends with my ex. Eventually, over time, I got less close to my ex because my husband became my best friend as well as my boyfriend. This should happen over time.
I would hang in there OP, maybe bring up your concerns with your girlfriend, just don't sound like you want to come between her and her friend.
The family element however, that is a little strange. I'd be worried there...
Have you or your gf no single girl friends you can set his guy up with, because one things for sure most girls would not put up with their bf going away with a girl frind and his parents doting on her.
Just an idea, but like you say all you're going to get is 'you're jealous' and 'we're just friends' and this maybe a way to keep their friendship but stop the weird things happening.
Bingo!
I've got a lass best mate who I used to flatshare with and everyone just presumed that the extras were happening as well. She is gorgeous but there is no sexually chemistry between us and anyone on the Scottish Fitba Thread will confirm I'm not gay.:D:D:D
When she first moved away to study we'd be on messenger for hours or texting each other until the wee small hours or drunken phoning each other at 5 o'clock on a Sunday morning.
When she told me she had a lad I distanced myself a bit from her out of respect to the lad as the friendship we had was really close and took up a lot of our time. It was important I step back so she had time with him without me texting or phoning and basically being a nuisance.
She ended up falling out with me as she thought I was ignoring her but I explained why I was being a bit more stand-offish and it was sorted. The first time I met her lad I could tell he wasn't sure about me and had it been in reverse it would have been for the exact same reasons. I'd have been thinking "what's his game?" as well. A quick chat sorted it out, basically a "I'm not interested in her like that so you have no worries there" and a "if you think I'm overstepping the mark tell me and I'll back off" followed by "pint of lager?" and it was sorted.
I'd have a word with the friend, if he is any sort of friend to your GF then he'll know what he needs to do.
I don't really understand this. If my fiance had a female friend that he'd previously slept with, that was jealous of me being on the scene and that I knew he would talk to about me if we were having problems I would be beyond gutted. Not critisising as whatever works for you I guess but I have always felt that your partner should be your best friend, confidant and the person you turn to during tough times.
Yeah, I thought that would come out sounding weird. What I mean is, girls usually have a bit of a moan to other girlfriends about their boyfriends (in my experience anyway) but my MBF is the one I'd do that with. And likewise if he has girl trouble he talks to me about it. I asked my boyfriend if he'd rather I didn't do it, as opposed to just saying "this is how it's gonna be", and he said he didn't mind at all, as long as it was respectful which it always would be.
I'm lucky to have someone so understanding though, I know, he's a wonderful man and it's clear how much I adore him, so he knows he has nothing to worry about
If it works for everybody and everybody's happy that's fantastic. He does indeed sound like a great and understanding guy and you've also clearly thought about the situation and are sensitive of his feelings. I was just intrigued as it's so far away from my experience and what I could cope with but he's probably more secure and less neurotic than me :-)
Yes, but it's nice to have more than 1 friend and confident. In fact its great to have several. And it's also nice to trust your partner and leave them the space to enjoy the companionship of people other than oneself. We are on an advice site which is useful because you get various viewpoints and the same thing works with friends. From a guy point this doesn't have to be threatening as in my experience most male friends actually stick up for the guy's point of view.
I'd be far more worried that her best friend was a threat if she were attempting to hide their closeness than what she is doing right now.
Yeah I had one like you...we were engaged and she ran off with MBF two years later. Six months down the road and she was married to him.
I'm done with women and their MBF's. Have friends yeah, but thats taking the mickey.
I wouldnt try and force you to 'dump' him though. I'm not a neandrathal
Edit
And the reason your boyfriend tolerates it is because he's 'new' and probably realises he cant come into your life and start throwing around orders as to who you can and can not see.
However, if 2 years down the line you're still acting like your MBF is the biggest love of your life, rather than your boyfriend, he'll be rightly annoyed.
To sumarise - it bothers him but he's not saying anything.
Wise words indeed. Take note,OP:)
We were both trying to get over previous relationships so were in the same place and we used to talk for hours about life, relationships etc...he would call every night, even when out of the country. I used to joke that I was his platonic wife.
We both stayed on the dating site and continued to have dates and shared our experiences. He used to check that I was home okay and told me I had to call him if I was ever in trouble or uncomfortable with a date....he was quite insistent about this one night when I wasnt completely certain about a date, even though he too was on one. God knows what his date would have made of that.
I did meet someone (my best friend even chaparoned the date my loitering in the same pub because he wasnt too sure of the fella I was meeting). Strange really as he ended up being the one I liked the best....we are together two years on from that. He wasnt completely sure of my best friend but as best friend was there first and as nothing had happened I assume he figured he would try to trust me...he did make the odd comment and was keen to contact me when I returned from a trip away with my best friend but maybe he just missed me. Anyhow he has been really good about it.
My best friend recently got together with my best female friend and what was a bit weird. I was absolutely delighted because they are both lovely people but felt a bit like I had lost two best friends as they were really keen on each other but they have included me as much as they can. I have given them both space and they took it...I have developed other relationships so have filled the gap but I know they will always be there for me if I need either of them. She doesnt have any issue with me at all and is happy for him to keep the same contact if he wants to but it has dropped off quite naturally.
My best friend did have one relationship where she was wildly jealous of me. She met me and knew I had another relationship and was crazy about my fella (I made sure she knew that) but she remained very jealous. Unfortunately instead of talking to him about her feelings she told him that our friendship was unnatural saying it was weird. Told him her friends felt the same. I replied to a text he send me (droned on about my fella being lovely in the same text becasue I knew he was with her and I was trying to be sensitive because I knew she had commented on me before). Apparently she hit the roof and said I was rude to text when he was with her, they had a huge row. It was made worse by the fact that I had been invited to a dinner party at his house, she and other friends would be there but he hadnt confirmed the time and I darent text him and ask....thankfully he rang just before it was due to start so I got there in time.
She blew a fuse a couple more times and it ended.....weird that he ended up with my best friend who she had also met but that didnt bother her. I never was a threat.
What I am saying OP is that maybe you ought to trust her, I know you say you do but if you did wholeheartedly you wouldnt have started the thread so you must have just a tiny weeny bit of doubt. If you do decide to talk to her accept responsibility for your feelings when you do...make sure she knows she is not to blame. If she understands what you are saying she will understand that you just need a little more reassurance (thats probably all it will take).
Try to remember that if their friendship is absolutely genuine, which I am sure is the case, they will both be completely confused about why you are upset about their friendship.....they just wont get you. I know this because it never occured to me to fancy my best friend so I was astonished that his girlfriend thought something was going on....he was just annoyed by her approach.
I think you should talk about it....talking is the key to any relationship but make sure your approach is good. Good luck...but I actually dont think you will need it.
I have to agree with post 88 on this. I don't think your boyfriend wants to rock the boat. I have a wonderful partner but if he thought I had bitched behind his back with MBF he would be gutted. I do have a MBF but my friendship with him has had compromises added to it since my partner came along, such as I won't stay over at his house any more. He comes to visit US as a couple and they get along fine.
I also find the fact you are saying that you talk it over with MBF and have a bitch incredibly disloyal to your new boyfriend.
I don't know who you or your boyfriend is but I feel sorry for your boyfriend.
Oh, no need to feel sorry for him! Like I (think I) said, I make more of a deal about it making sure he's ok with everything, than he does. If he is worried about it, he deserves an Oscar. But if he's lying about not being worried, there's nothing I can do since he tells me he's not bothered, and I don't want to make a deal over it when it's not an issue.
And I don't really see it as being disloyal having a bit of a moan. Most girls will have a bit of a whine to their friends every blue moon. It's nothing serious, it's not like he's my shoulder to cry on, it's more like "oh, he upset me a bit the other day when he said xxx" and my MBF says "stop being a sensitive cow, he didn't mean it like that and you know it".
My MBF has been in my life for 20+ years, he's seen me through everything, and the way I see it, it's incredibly disloyal if I back off just in case my boyfriend is lying about being cool with me having a MBF. And I'd feel sorry for him if I did that. To me, that's just not cool. My boyfriend knows that I'm willing to compromise on aspects of my friendship for him, and he knows that I've never offered that before so I think he's special and worth keeping. But he's more than happy about the way things are, and more concerned about what he wants for dinner, so no need to feel like he's hard done by
Am I the only one to think that going on holiday with your MBF (or FBF!) without taking your other half is taking the p***? You're awefully naive if you think that doesn't bother him.
I'm guessing this would be an issue for you but judging by the vast range of reactions to those who have friends of the opposite sex that isnt true for everyone.
Surely its a question of trust rather than naivity or piss taking....if my partner had any worries he would talk to me as I would him.
What do you think this was about:
"he did make the odd comment and was keen to contact me when I returned from a trip away with my best friend but maybe he just missed me"
Or maybe he was thinking wtf! He may not have come out and said something but reading between the lines, he was obviously a bit unsure about it.
Actually I know what it was about because I wrote it
We are both open and honest with each other and would never restrict each other because of petty insecurities...we would talk. He wouldnt be 'thinking wtf' he would talk which is what any rational person would do.
Jealous people tend to find out that it works to go out with people that are equally possessive and understand their feelings and the those tolerent and social tend to find out that they prefer partners who are too. Occassionally however people compromise. Also sometimes people become more or less trusting in time depending on their life experiences and how long they have been with a partner and of course on how long their partner has been friends with someone of the oppositve gender with no flirting or sex involved.
I'd agree with this.....when people start a relationship they define the dynamics of that relationship. If one partner is overly jealous and or trust issues I think it is probably difficult for a more secure partner to understand because they have a different perspective.
Two more insecure partners will have more empathy with each other which maintains the balance in the relationship.
Because I have close male friends and can see how it is possible without affecting the relationship or my feelings for my partner I can see how that would be the case in reverse so I can accept him doing the same.
I have always believed fidelity is from within rather than something that is imposed by the other partner. Despite other opportunities I choose to be with my partner and he knows that. If it were something he felt he had to monitor or restrict it means he doesnt believe he is my choice and is therefore mistrusting my feelings and any reassurance I give him.
Lets face it, a huge number of infidelities begin on the internet so the obvious friendship isnt necessarily the threat. How closely does someone want to monitor their partner?