Sister
![[Deleted User]](https://w6.vanillicon.com/v2/6671f85b7d572bcf82c429a120e1cfe9.svg)
[Deleted User]
Posts: 3,606 Forum Member
✭✭✭
Not sure where to begin with this, sorry if it's a long post.
I'm the "youngest" of 5 "kids" - I'm 37
2 brothers & 2 sisters. I'm very close to the rest of my family, even though we live in different countries. I got admitted to hospital unexpectedly this week and have had support texts/calls from my mum, nearest sister and eldest brother (other brother is severely disabled and dad has passed away).
However, my eldest sister - nothing. Relations between us have been strained for about a year or so now. We still talk, there's been no active fallout, because I don't want to have one for my mum's sake (she's 82 and in frail health and like all good mums, if we did fall out she'd inevitably hear about it all and would be very affected by it). My sister is very snobbish, financially obsessed, and unfortunately I have had no choice but to get a loan from her 2 years ago to the tune of £10k to avoid severe financial debt. Even though she promised to send me paperwork, and I promised to pay it off at a minimum of a certain rate a month (I'd rather not say what it is at the risk of the Judgemental Jude/Judys coming on and screaming at me) - which I'm now exceeding - apparently it's nowhere near enough.
The really frustrating thing is - she moans about me to my mum & other sister, but when I try to discuss it openly with her, she shuts down. I don't go into it in a confrontational manner, but all I get is "well I don't think you're trying hard enough". I say "Sis, I am trying my best, I am trying hard" - "Oh I never said you were trying hard enough". (She's great at doing this saying one thing and then in the next breath "Oh I never said that" - my other sis has similar issues with her but lives 5 miles down the road from her so knows to keep her on side). We've barely spoken for months, Christmas with her was very, very difficult.
What makes me really, really sad is that a/ shes my godmother and b/ we were very, very close as children. She has a good heart but has let her career (she works in banking and finance) take over her ego. Everyone around her is a slave - her husband gets all her drinks (and I'm not talking about alcoholic ones, I'm talking glasses of water, cups of tea), she has friends who have fallen on hard times and she "employs" them as her cleaner, cook, helper etc. - it gives her a kind of Mother Theresa complex and funnily enough, none of her friends seem to be on an equal or better footing with her (she has no kids, BTW - her and motherhood wouldn't go together, she's repulsed by nappy changing or cleaning up muck of any kind etc.)
She was very seriously ill unexpectedly a few years back (breast cancer) and we all rallied around her (I was living in the same country then), giving her lifts to her chemo & radio appointments, cleaning her house, cooking for her. But after this week's scare with me, nothing. No word, no texts, not a thing. A text was all I would have liked. I got no birthday card, present from her or anything either.
I shouldn't care so much, but I do. It' s her 50th birthday and for the sake of the family I'm coming back in 2 months' time for it, however despite my attempts to try and talk to her I just get batted back. The last thing I want is a major family fallout (our family don't do anything like this, drama, fallouts etc.) but I have tried and tried to be open and straightforward with her, and also I am currently ongoing with my financial commitments to her which I don't intend on ceasing, needless to say.
Sorry, just wanted to vent, does anyone else have similar issues where they have major family woe, but can't fall out with their family member because of not wanting to cause a major rift or drama or upset/damage the health of other family members? It's hugely upsetting me right now and while I know I'm not entirely in the right, I just don't know how to relate or deal with her at all right now. And she lives hundreds of miles away in another country!!! The nearest I can equate it to is having an incredibly selfish husband/boyfriend, and at least you can split up from or divorce them!
I'm the "youngest" of 5 "kids" - I'm 37
2 brothers & 2 sisters. I'm very close to the rest of my family, even though we live in different countries. I got admitted to hospital unexpectedly this week and have had support texts/calls from my mum, nearest sister and eldest brother (other brother is severely disabled and dad has passed away).However, my eldest sister - nothing. Relations between us have been strained for about a year or so now. We still talk, there's been no active fallout, because I don't want to have one for my mum's sake (she's 82 and in frail health and like all good mums, if we did fall out she'd inevitably hear about it all and would be very affected by it). My sister is very snobbish, financially obsessed, and unfortunately I have had no choice but to get a loan from her 2 years ago to the tune of £10k to avoid severe financial debt. Even though she promised to send me paperwork, and I promised to pay it off at a minimum of a certain rate a month (I'd rather not say what it is at the risk of the Judgemental Jude/Judys coming on and screaming at me) - which I'm now exceeding - apparently it's nowhere near enough.
The really frustrating thing is - she moans about me to my mum & other sister, but when I try to discuss it openly with her, she shuts down. I don't go into it in a confrontational manner, but all I get is "well I don't think you're trying hard enough". I say "Sis, I am trying my best, I am trying hard" - "Oh I never said you were trying hard enough". (She's great at doing this saying one thing and then in the next breath "Oh I never said that" - my other sis has similar issues with her but lives 5 miles down the road from her so knows to keep her on side). We've barely spoken for months, Christmas with her was very, very difficult.
What makes me really, really sad is that a/ shes my godmother and b/ we were very, very close as children. She has a good heart but has let her career (she works in banking and finance) take over her ego. Everyone around her is a slave - her husband gets all her drinks (and I'm not talking about alcoholic ones, I'm talking glasses of water, cups of tea), she has friends who have fallen on hard times and she "employs" them as her cleaner, cook, helper etc. - it gives her a kind of Mother Theresa complex and funnily enough, none of her friends seem to be on an equal or better footing with her (she has no kids, BTW - her and motherhood wouldn't go together, she's repulsed by nappy changing or cleaning up muck of any kind etc.)
She was very seriously ill unexpectedly a few years back (breast cancer) and we all rallied around her (I was living in the same country then), giving her lifts to her chemo & radio appointments, cleaning her house, cooking for her. But after this week's scare with me, nothing. No word, no texts, not a thing. A text was all I would have liked. I got no birthday card, present from her or anything either.
I shouldn't care so much, but I do. It' s her 50th birthday and for the sake of the family I'm coming back in 2 months' time for it, however despite my attempts to try and talk to her I just get batted back. The last thing I want is a major family fallout (our family don't do anything like this, drama, fallouts etc.) but I have tried and tried to be open and straightforward with her, and also I am currently ongoing with my financial commitments to her which I don't intend on ceasing, needless to say.
Sorry, just wanted to vent, does anyone else have similar issues where they have major family woe, but can't fall out with their family member because of not wanting to cause a major rift or drama or upset/damage the health of other family members? It's hugely upsetting me right now and while I know I'm not entirely in the right, I just don't know how to relate or deal with her at all right now. And she lives hundreds of miles away in another country!!! The nearest I can equate it to is having an incredibly selfish husband/boyfriend, and at least you can split up from or divorce them!
0
Comments
And even though I've just typed that is it possible she's got the hump over something else?
Hi Python, it pretty much is, but I've tried talking openly to her and she's not responding. So I'm none the wiser. However....
This is pretty much it in a nutshell PP. She is very controlling and that's why she loves having people in thrall to her. I both do not provide any service to her and I'm in debt to her as well so she sees me in the lowest of the low. And no, I'm upset as I feel short of cutting her off (which I can't do), I just can't change anything about the situation. But she's too cowardly to actually speak to me face-to-face about it. I've chided her mildly at Christmas because I knew she was moaning about me to my sister & mum (she basically thinks I should be living in ashes & sackcloth for years until I pay her back) but denied every bit of it (BS) and just took an even more superior tone than ever.
It's very sad. If there's two people in the world who know how short life is, it's me & her. It's like she's learned nothing from her illness.
On another note, I'm sorry to hear about your hospital stay, I hope you're feeling much better now x
Thanks TDC. Sorry, this is probably business as usual in most families, but it isn't in mine, as most of us are laid back and non-confrontational (I am by nature but have had to learn to be upfront to avoid being walked over - I probably seem far more aggressive here). The worst thing of all is how conscious my mum is of it- my brother is very good-hearted but is very, very, very laid back and wouldn't have texted me unless my mum "had a word" - when she was on the phone to me the other night she asked if anyone else in the family had been in touch and bar my lovely nearest sister I said "no". But even if my mum has had a word, just goes to show how callous my sister is that even still she can't be bothered.
I'm also conscious that I'm giving my side of the story here, which I've no choice in TBH. But I understand if folk think there's more to it, I can only be as honest as I can. The truth is I've tried to talk to her but she won't reciprocate. I also drafted up letters, emails etc. but was strongly advised not to do so (they weren't at all abusive or strong but I was told by my other sister that she would use them against me & manipulate the situation to her advantage).
I hardly ever see my sister and we live in different countries, but it doesn't mean I don't care. If I heard she was in hospital - even over something banal - I'd be straight on the phone. It's very sad to know she doesn't return the favour. Also the older I get (and my mum gets, as well as the rest of my family) the more upset I get about family relations, brothers & sisters getting older etc. My mum won't be around for much longer, and I dread to think of how controlling and money-grabbing she'll become in the aftermath.
If there is any way to pay back all the money to your sister via a bank loan or whatever I'd personally check out that option.
I'm sorry to hear about your health issues, I hope they get sorted soon.
Not exactly like your situation but I had a fight with my sister when I was around 20 and we didn't speak for almost 10 years. No huge shouting arguments or drama, and we got used to not speaking to each other and moved apart so no chance to make up. Huge regrets on my part for the lost years, but we probably both needed to 'grow up'. I moved out of home, and then we both moved to different countries after university, and it was only when we both ended up in the UK that we touched base again and are close now.
If I was you, I would try and repair the relationship before you go back to your home country for her 50th. I don't know if you email your family, but perhaps send an email to all of your siblings with an update on how you are (health wise) and what you're doing (even if its just small things like went for a walk around Hyde Park, met up with family friend for tea etc). Treat her like your other siblings and include her in things. Not saying this will solve everything (she could continue being a b*tch), but at least you've taken the high road and things may be less awkward at the 50th.