Dealing with a dad's new gf after mum died

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,890
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    ^All of that is true but its a two way street.

    These young adults have just lost their mother and have their own grief to deal with.
    As the OP has said, the father can get married again if he wants to, nothing will replace the mother of course, but can have that relationship again.
    They can't.
    I'm sure they would love to be pleased for their father in the long run but for them it is too soon to have this new woman who they are expected to embrace and have sleeping over in their mother's bedroom.

    It's not just the father who has lost someone. They have too.

    Sure they could just move out, but that's not going to help them adjust any sooner, it's still going to be hard for them to see their father with another woman and remind them of what they lost.

    They won't be emotionally ready for this.
    That's not to say the man can't date or have relationships but just not expect his kids to be ready to accept this new "family" member right away.

    This is pretty much how it is.

    They havent objected to their dad having a girlfriend, theyve even told him that he should go out and meet new people and have fun and be happy again, and theyve said they like the new gf and think she seems like a nice woman.

    But it gets hard when she starts coming into their home (yes it's their fathers home but its their home too). I'm not saying she shouldnt come into their home because I think she should. But it's proving very difficult for everybody to cope with because it's a difficult thing to adapt to and get used to.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,890
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    Taglet wrote: »
    Of course he is still a dad, having a new partner doesnt change that and I hadnt read anywhere in the OP post that he was failing as a father. He wants his new partner to be a part of their lives so he is being inclusive with his new relationship not exclusive (as in gadding about with his new partner ignoring his kids).

    What's the alternative.....he misses out on an opportunity for future happiness because his kids think he is too happy and should be more miserable. They are adults and dont have the right to interfere with his relationship any more than he has the right to interfere with any they have. None of it affects their direct relationship with dad.

    I just dont see why he should modify his behaviour which will make him unhappy because they want him to be a tad more miserable.

    Nobody here is asking him to modify his behaviour, just be more tactful and understanding at times.

    I was only asking for advice in supporting my bf and his siblings as they get used to this transition.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,890
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    They don't want him to be miserable, they are just not ready for the whole "getting to know the new girlfriend" part themselves.

    That's how I am reading it anyway.

    I would imagine the kids are emotionally drained.

    It's not even been a year since their mother passed away.

    And now their father wants them to accept this new person into the family.

    He doesn't have to "miss out" on his own relationship, he just needs to be more understanding of his kids concerns.
    Maybe he could stay the night at her place for example?
    Maybe she doesn't have to come to every family event just yet?
    It's not a huge sacrifice on his part and in fairness the girlfriend should be understanding of that, It's not a reflection on her, just the situation.

    Yes this is how the situation is.

    At the moment, he has been staying at his gfs house every now and then or whenever he wants to see her. Sometimes he stays for a whole weekend. She has been to his house but she hasnt stayed overnight.

    It's just this tricky issue of getting the right compromise that is proving difficult.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,890
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    With respect though Fredster I suspect you were a fair bit older than the 19/21 year-olds we are talking about here and did not live at home. I coped a lot better with my Dad's new relationship because I was 32 and not living at home but my 22 year old brother who was found it terribly hard. It seems to me that age and proximity is an issue in this case.

    I think this is spot on.
  • TagletTaglet Posts: 20,286
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    Whoa! Why are you getting so annoyed? :confused: Look, these guys have lost their mum after a short illness. Its a heck of a shock. They are grieving and need some time to get used to life without mum in the house. Suddenly they have Dad in the first flush of a new love. I think their reaction is perfectly natural.

    I think all people are suggesting is that Dad needs to be a bit more sensitive to their needs and not flaunt his new relationship when it is clearly causing distress. No-one has suggested he should not be dating. If he feels he has a future with this woman it is in his best interests to take it slow where his kids are concerned. Surely that is common sense?

    Where am I getting annoyed? :confused:........they were perfectly reasonable questions. I'm not sure that we can assume that dad isnt being sensitive already hence the questions. Its a question of degree isnt it?.....if she is there 24/7 giving the adult kids no time with their dad I would agree.

    However we dont know that's the case and it seemed to me that the objection was to her existence not her frequent visits or continual presence.

    They cant expect him put his life on hold while they mourn the death of their mother. The OP's boyfriend is getting support from the OP....dad needs support too. It was his wife.
  • TagletTaglet Posts: 20,286
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    It's not about "giving permission" or anything else so ridiculous, it's about showing a bit of understanding but I'm not going to bother arguing it with you as you can't see it from the other side.
    Anyway none of this is helping the OP as we're only giving the two sides and no solutions.

    Touche
  • TagletTaglet Posts: 20,286
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    sleepydove wrote: »
    Nobody here is asking him to modify his behaviour, just be more tactful and understanding at times.

    I was only asking for advice in supporting my bf and his siblings as they get used to this transition.

    I would suggest they the entire family talk to each other more.....it all sounds very fractured from what you have said. Have they thought about bereavement counselling?
  • TagletTaglet Posts: 20,286
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    sleepydove wrote: »
    Yes this is how the situation is.

    At the moment, he has been staying at his gfs house every now and then or whenever he wants to see her. Sometimes he stays for a whole weekend. She has been to his house but she hasnt stayed overnight.

    It's just this tricky issue of getting the right compromise that is proving difficult.

    So it sounds like he is trying to be sensitive.....I think a few here thought she had moved into bf's late mums bed. Bf and his siblings need to talk to dad about what they want.
  • kaniakania Posts: 6,252
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,890
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    Achtung! wrote: »
    The solution would be for the boyfriend and his grown-up brothers or sisters to mind their own business, get on with their own lives and leave the father to deal with his loss as he sees fit. If that means having a relationship and trying to move on, or even if it is merely a sort of comfort rebound that is not going to go anywhere, that is his business. Whilst living in their father's house, they should accept it, or move to a home of their own, they're certainly old enough to.

    They're not living in Dad's house. The house legally belongs jointly to my boyfriend and his dad. The other siblings contribute to the bills and mortgage payments as well. If it wasn't for the fact they are father and children, any other arrangement, you would give the children more rights to the house and the way the space is used. And it was the father's desire for things to be arranged this way.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,890
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    Achtung! wrote: »
    Is it five months or a couple of weeks? You've used both. Whatever the father's reasons for having a relationship is nothing to do with anybody else, including his adult children. As I said, if they are unhappy with the arrangement, perhaps it is time they lived in a space whereby the presence of the father's new partner in his own home isn't going to upset them.

    PS: I do have compassion, for a man who has lost his wife and is being dictated to by his unreasonable adult children, something I would never do to my father.

    Firstly, it's not the fathers home. It belongs jointly to my bf and his father and the bills are split between them all. Secondly, I'm afraid you're wrong, the children are not dictating to their father at all. If anything it is the opposite.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 12,881
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    Taglet wrote: »
    So it sounds like he is trying to be sensitive.....I think a few here thought she had moved into bf's late mums bed. Bf and his siblings need to talk to dad about what they want.
    sleepydove wrote: »
    For example, he invited his son and daughter (not my bf and I as we were away for a weekend) to dinner with his new gf. His son said yes but his daughter said no because she had seen the new gf the previous week and didnt want to see her so quickly already. But her dad told her that he'd never speak to her again if she didnt come to dinner. So she went along and it went ok but when she got home, she went off to her bedroom and cried herself to sleep.

    The evidence suggests anything but sensitivity. :(
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,890
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    Achtung! wrote: »
    Ageed, but as you say, these children are now adults, and ought to show the same sort of maturity and sensitivity to their father's needs. It isn't all one way. It isn't tiny children at risk of being upset here.

    They have showed a LOT of maturity and sensitivity towards their father. The problem is that theyve reached a point where they feel theyve been rushed along into accepting a new woman into their lives more quickly than they were ready for. They went along with everything he wanted and they could continue to do so but it's hurting them so much and they're finding it really difficult. If they did not stop and voice their opinions then their dad would probably continue as he's going and move his gf into the house. He would waltz right over the kids if they didnt stand up for themselves and tell him when it was getting too much. So that's what they did because they felt things were moving very quickly and they wanted it to slow down a tiny bit. They are not objecting to their dad having a girlfriend. They're just asking him to show some sensitivity towards them - which, to be honest, he hasnt been doing recently.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,890
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    Achtung! wrote: »
    But when is the father going to be allowed to have his lady friend stay over? When your boyfriend and his siblings say so? It's ridiculous. And, in my opinion, disrespectful towards him as their father. I would never dream of it.

    When my boyfriend started dating me, his father said I could stay over when everybody in the house was ok with it. So once they were all happy with the idea, I was able to stay over. When his wife died, he said it would be exactly the same if he ever got another girlfriend.

    To be fair to him, he hasnt asked if she can stay over. Quite the opposite, he said he understands why they dont want her to stay over at the moment and hasnt even asked or said anything to suggest he wishes she could stay over. Now I am sure that he would love her to stay over but on this particular issue he has put his kids desires first so I respect him for that. They are really not ready at all to wake up, come down to breakfast and find another woman in the kitchen. Fortunately on this particular issue, dad and kids are in agreement.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,890
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    Taglet wrote: »
    However we dont know that's the case and it seemed to me that the objection was to her existence not her frequent visits or continual presence.

    No, there is no objection to her existence. Nobody had a problem when he started dating nor when he started sleeping around. Nobody had a problem when he announced he was in a proper relationship. We want him to be happy and if she makes him happy then so be it. All they're asking for is some tact.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,890
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    Taglet wrote: »
    So it sounds like he is trying to be sensitive.....I think a few here thought she had moved into bf's late mums bed. Bf and his siblings need to talk to dad about what they want.

    Sometimes he is sensitive and he is great. Other times, he loses his temper and starts saying things he shouldnt that upset his children.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,890
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    Sounds like some serious emotional blackmail on the father's part. That is not good. What a sh*tty way to behave towards his daughter. It sound like he is forcing them to accept the new GF, which will backfire BIG time in the long run.

    Unfortunately dad's approach tends to be tough love and that often includes emotional blackmail. This is proving to be part of the problem :(
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 12,881
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    sleepydove wrote: »
    Unfortunately dad's approach tends to be tough love and that often includes emotional blackmail. This is proving to be part of the problem :(

    Which is the last thing the kids need when they have lost their mum and it is still very raw. You say that your BF and his dad co-own the property. Perhaps if it comes to it the father could move in with the GF and siblings could buy him out?
  • TagletTaglet Posts: 20,286
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    sleepydove wrote: »
    No, there is no objection to her existence. Nobody had a problem when he started dating nor when he started sleeping around. Nobody had a problem when he announced he was in a proper relationship. We want him to be happy and if she makes him happy then so be it. All they're asking for is some tact.

    They do need to talk to him and to make things easier for him to understand they need to define 'tact', be very specific about what they want from him.

    Other posts on here suggest all is not rosy even without a new girlfriend on the scene....'he loses his temper and shouts at them'....'emotional blackmail'. Are you sure the issue isnt greater than his new romance?

    Were they much closer to their mum?
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 12,881
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    Taglet wrote: »
    They do need to talk to him and to make things easier for him to understand they need to define 'tact', be very specific about what they want from him.

    Other posts on here suggest all is not rosy even without a new girlfriend on the scene....'he loses his temper and shouts at them'....'emotional blackmail'. Are you sure the issue isnt greater than his new romance?

    Were they much closer to their mum?

    I agree and do wonder if mum was the glue that held it all together. Sounds like a very unhappy household and not just because of the new GF. That may be the catalyst that brings things to a head though.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,890
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    Taglet wrote: »
    They do need to talk to him and to make things easier for him to understand they need to define 'tact', be very specific about what they want from him.

    Other posts on here suggest all is not rosy even without a new girlfriend on the scene....'he loses his temper and shouts at them'....'emotional blackmail'. Are you sure the issue isnt greater than his new romance?

    Were they much closer to their mum?

    No, he has always been like that. He is somewhat accustomed to getting his own way and loses his temper with his children when things are going the way he wants. When their mum was around, she would balance him out. She'd talk him round, she'd stick up for the kids when he was angry, she'd be the peacemaker in the family. But now she's not there, there is nobody to stop him when he loses his temper. It has actually been better since he got the new gf because when she is around, he is fine, he behaves reasonably. But if he is alone and he is arguing with his kids then I think he feels like he's being backed into a corner and he loses his temper and says some terrible things.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,890
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    Which is the last thing the kids need when they have lost their mum and it is still very raw. You say that your BF and his dad co-own the property. Perhaps if it comes to it the father could move in with the GF and siblings could buy him out?

    I think for awhile that was the plan but now I don't know. I don't see this being an option for a long time because it would be costly to buy him out. I think what he wants, at some point, is for the house to be sold so that everybody can get the amount that is owed to them and he can use his portion to buy a house with his gf, my bf can use his portion to buy a house with me, but the others are the problem because they are younger. I know they are adults but they are reliant on their dad and their older brother at the moment and imagining them living on their own or even together just sounds like total chaos. So I think my bfs dad was trying to hang on as long as possible until theyre a couple years more mature and everybody is ready to move on at the same time. But then he got into a new relationship and that has made him impatient and he is ready to move on before everybody else is.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,890
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    I agree and do wonder if mum was the glue that held it all together. Sounds like a very unhappy household and not just because of the new GF. That may be the catalyst that brings things to a head though.

    Yes, I dont think we realised what a vital role she played until she was gone :( When she was here, she balanced out all the bad and made it good. Now she's gone, there is nobody to stop father and daughter (who are the worst two) from losing their temper and there's nobody to force them to make up at the end of it. Everybody is trying to fill her role and keep the peace on top of dealing with her death as well as trying to accept a new person into the family. It's just terribly complicated and very stressful for everybody involved.
  • TagletTaglet Posts: 20,286
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    sleepydove wrote: »
    No, he has always been like that. He is somewhat accustomed to getting his own way and loses his temper with his children when things are going the way he wants. When their mum was around, she would balance him out. She'd talk him round, she'd stick up for the kids when he was angry, she'd be the peacemaker in the family. But now she's not there, there is nobody to stop him when he loses his temper. It has actually been better since he got the new gf because when she is around, he is fine, he behaves reasonably. But if he is alone and he is arguing with his kids then I think he feels like he's being backed into a corner and he loses his temper and says some terrible things.

    From what you say it sounds doubtful that he would be open to any suggestion that he cool it with his new girlfriend and it may not be helpful if he did because she seems to calm him.

    Sounds like the loss of mum has rocked everything so its not just grief that the kids are dealing with but the change in the family dynamic too.

    I'm a bit stumped to be honest as it really doesnt sound like new gf is the main issue, more how relationships have changed within the family. Perhaps bereavement counselling would be useful but only if dad plays a part in this too but the crux will be if he accepts that the counselling isnt just about dealing with his loss (which may not be so acute now he has his new relationship) but also about his changing role and helping his kids through it all.

    Are there any other close family members that could become involved in helping deal with what is happening..an aunt or a grandparent perhaps....even new girlfriend who he is likely to listen to. Perhaps getting her on side might be the way through?
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