Acting an idiot is usually a cover for a lack of self-confidence in social situation IMO - its a way to try to attract an audience and gain social acceptability.
Frequently demonstrated on these very forums.
There's plenty of good advice already given in this thread. At the heart of it is to be more comfortable about yourself and not to overly analyze every social interaction you have as this leads to a a downwards spiral of faulting yourself and ending up losing more confidence.
I do think some people just have the X factor. They can walk into a room and command attention. I know a few people like that. They aren't particularly good looking, but they walk into a room smiling and acknowledging people, and before you know it, they are surrounded.
My husband has it. Everyone who meets him says what a lovely guy he is. He can work a room. Im the opposite. I walk into a room looking like Im about to meet the firing squad. It shows in my eyes that im petrified, so people generally leave me alone.
Ever since school I've never had any confidence and throughout life I've been used by friends or let people belittle me. When I'm in a group I'm always the one on the outside sitting quietly. I've tried joining in but not very good at starting up conversation or keeping it going and when I start to speak, people tend to ignore me or get bored and turn back to someone else. Quite often ill be in the middle of trying to explain something to someone and mid conversation they'll turn away and start talking to someone else of cut me short.
I'd love to be one of those guys which can walk into a room and be the life and soul of the party where everyone wants to talk to you but whenever I've tried it just comes across as false and forced and whenever I've tried asserting myself say in a situation where someone is trying to belittle me I always end up coming across like a complete arse. More rude and abrupt than assertive. I can't seem to find that balance between showing authority and being rude to people.
These days I tend to keep myself to myself a lot because I find social groups quite isolating and intimidating. How do I get more confidence with people without coming across like an idiot?
Have the same problem myself (I was bullied for most of my time in school it only stopped in the last week when I thumped the school bully, something I should have done years previously).
However the one thing I find does work is preparation. Prepare, prepare, prepare and you will find that you are confident and can be assertive in the full knowledge you know what you are talking about.
Does anyone actually know someone who has gone from being an extreme introvert to an extreme extrovert? I'm guessing that it's very rare indeed. These kind of personality traits are deeply ingrained.
So the reality is you may just be stuck with being the way you are
I did in my younger days. I decided on a number of occasions that I had had enough of being shy and reserved because I found that people tend to "walk all over me". My attempts to change my reserved behaviour usually resulted in me going too much in the other direction.
Now I am older I tend to speak my mind a lot more than I ever did. I don't care much what people think any more and have a lot more confidence in myself. It comes with age.
It comes with age, these days I don't give a toss if people like me or not. I just do my own thing and I gave up arguing with people a long time ago. If people talk crap, I just nod occasionally and have my own internal dialogue going on which is nearly always far more interesting than what other people are saying.
Once you give up on the whole arguing thing, being assertive just gets really easy. For example if someone asks me to do something I don't want to do, I used to give a reason why and they would poo poo it and an argument would follow and I would end up backing down because they'd have a comeback for every reason I gave. That sort of thing erodes your self confidence. Now I just say no and don't give a reason and they have nothing to argue with, I've learned not to give people any ammunition!
So my advice is, have interesting internal dialogues, that way you're not bothered if other people are talking to you or not and never be afraid to just say no and don't bother getting into arguments, not many people can be reasoned with in a sensible fashion. Oh and Get a dog, they're much cooler and better company than your average human.
I was quite a shy/timid child and was often picked on/bullied.
Over the years I have come out of my shell quite a lot - and I can attribute this to many different things in my life - including:
* having to stand up in front of groups of people and give talks whilst at uni and in work.
* meeting a girl with an outgoing personality (no my wife),
* working in various environments where I had to interact/communicate with many different types of people (bar work, call centre work).
* Just getting older and realising that most of the bolshy/assertive people I have known are just talking bollocks.
I'm still a little quiet/reserved - but nothing like I used to be.
Start from the things you know you are good at. There is a myth that there is only one way to lead and show confidence and assertiveness. The fact is that, if you look at truly great people, they all do it differently, but it's founded on a core of who they are
Ever since school I've never had any confidence and throughout life I've been used by friends or let people belittle me. When I'm in a group I'm always the one on the outside sitting quietly. I've tried joining in but not very good at starting up conversation or keeping it going and when I start to speak, people tend to ignore me or get bored and turn back to someone else. Quite often ill be in the middle of trying to explain something to someone and mid conversation they'll turn away and start talking to someone else of cut me short.
I'd love to be one of those guys which can walk into a room and be the life and soul of the party where everyone wants to talk to you but whenever I've tried it just comes across as false and forced and whenever I've tried asserting myself say in a situation where someone is trying to belittle me I always end up coming across like a complete arse. More rude and abrupt than assertive. I can't seem to find that balance between showing authority and being rude to people.
These days I tend to keep myself to myself a lot because I find social groups quite isolating and intimidating. How do I get more confidence with people without coming across like an idiot?
have you thought about becoming a Traffic Warden ?
Confidence does not come from psyching yourself with mental garbage or any of that self help crap that people try to tell you about. Confidence comes from practice, by repeatedly doing that particular task over and over again until you become proficient.
Like learning to swim you can't learn to cope with social situations without getting wet. That means to practice, practice, practice the situations you are afraid of, in places where you do not fear looking stupid, because you will.
Totally agree. I work in health care and lack confidence. I have tried avoiding situations that I am not comfortable in and feel I can look stupid. But my professional ability and career would suffer. So reluctantly I do the things I don't want to do. And you what? Although I can feel uncomfortable I feel great afterwards for doing it and hopefully it will get easier. It is practice doing the things we don't like. And the saying is true that if we act confident we come over confident even if we don't feel it. It's all an act.
I'm another one who was very shy and self-conscious when young but gradually almost completely got rid of it. For me the first thing that really helped was going on exchanges at school (yes, I was that cliched British teenager, who goes abroad and does all the things I haven't quite got round to doing at home). More seriously, the experience of being thrown in with a group of people you don't know and who don't know you from Eve meant:
I just had to get on with it
I knew they had no preconcieved idea that I was quiet or shy
Being away from friends and family really does mean you can kind-of invent a different personality. And when you do (I don't seriously mean it's a deliberate plan/strategy, just something that you do to get on, be a good guest, fit in etc.), and it works - you learn very clearly that your personality is not fixed, that you can behave differently.
You have to speak in a different language. When you do this you don't worry that you're saying something brilliant, witty and original, just that you're saying something, and that it's understood.
There are endless topics of conversation in language and cultural differences.
Beyond that, what others have said: having to get to know endless new people at university and in work, presentations, meetings, etc. Now sometimes I come home from nights out realising I was the obnoxious one who talked too much and too loudly ...
I did in my younger days. I decided on a number of occasions that I had had enough of being shy and reserved because I found that people tend to "walk all over me". My attempts to change my reserved behaviour usually resulted in me going too much in the other direction.
Now I am older I tend to speak my mind a lot more than I ever did. I don't care much what people think any more and have a lot more confidence in myself. It comes with age.
You see this is my problem. I've gone a bit the other way too. Now when someone tries to put me down I sometimes jump down their throat and anyone looking on thinks that bloke is a bit of an arse and so that then knocks my confidence even further.
When talking to people I clam up and my mind goes a blank and I'm terrible at keeping conversation going unless I talk about myself and then people get bored so I end up sitting back and just listening but then I feel like I'm being anti social or rude or can't really be bothered. I go all self conscious so most of the time I actively avoid these situations. I never know how to start up a conversation with strangers or people I don't know very well and find it hard to know what to talk about unless I start telling them stuff about myself.
Comments
Frequently demonstrated on these very forums.
There's plenty of good advice already given in this thread. At the heart of it is to be more comfortable about yourself and not to overly analyze every social interaction you have as this leads to a a downwards spiral of faulting yourself and ending up losing more confidence.
My husband has it. Everyone who meets him says what a lovely guy he is. He can work a room. Im the opposite. I walk into a room looking like Im about to meet the firing squad. It shows in my eyes that im petrified, so people generally leave me alone.
Have the same problem myself (I was bullied for most of my time in school it only stopped in the last week when I thumped the school bully, something I should have done years previously).
However the one thing I find does work is preparation. Prepare, prepare, prepare and you will find that you are confident and can be assertive in the full knowledge you know what you are talking about.
What is it you don't like about you? ...and try to change that.
I did in my younger days. I decided on a number of occasions that I had had enough of being shy and reserved because I found that people tend to "walk all over me". My attempts to change my reserved behaviour usually resulted in me going too much in the other direction.
Now I am older I tend to speak my mind a lot more than I ever did. I don't care much what people think any more and have a lot more confidence in myself. It comes with age.
Once you give up on the whole arguing thing, being assertive just gets really easy. For example if someone asks me to do something I don't want to do, I used to give a reason why and they would poo poo it and an argument would follow and I would end up backing down because they'd have a comeback for every reason I gave. That sort of thing erodes your self confidence. Now I just say no and don't give a reason and they have nothing to argue with, I've learned not to give people any ammunition!
So my advice is, have interesting internal dialogues, that way you're not bothered if other people are talking to you or not and never be afraid to just say no and don't bother getting into arguments, not many people can be reasoned with in a sensible fashion. Oh and Get a dog, they're much cooler and better company than your average human.
Over the years I have come out of my shell quite a lot - and I can attribute this to many different things in my life - including:
* having to stand up in front of groups of people and give talks whilst at uni and in work.
* meeting a girl with an outgoing personality (no my wife),
* working in various environments where I had to interact/communicate with many different types of people (bar work, call centre work).
* Just getting older and realising that most of the bolshy/assertive people I have known are just talking bollocks.
I'm still a little quiet/reserved - but nothing like I used to be.
have you thought about becoming a Traffic Warden ?
Totally agree. I work in health care and lack confidence. I have tried avoiding situations that I am not comfortable in and feel I can look stupid. But my professional ability and career would suffer. So reluctantly I do the things I don't want to do. And you what? Although I can feel uncomfortable I feel great afterwards for doing it and hopefully it will get easier. It is practice doing the things we don't like. And the saying is true that if we act confident we come over confident even if we don't feel it. It's all an act.
I agree, I'm going to take these on board too! Already feeling better about myself so thanks folks for the really useful tips. There's hope for me yet
- I just had to get on with it
- I knew they had no preconcieved idea that I was quiet or shy
- Being away from friends and family really does mean you can kind-of invent a different personality. And when you do (I don't seriously mean it's a deliberate plan/strategy, just something that you do to get on, be a good guest, fit in etc.), and it works - you learn very clearly that your personality is not fixed, that you can behave differently.
- You have to speak in a different language. When you do this you don't worry that you're saying something brilliant, witty and original, just that you're saying something, and that it's understood.
- There are endless topics of conversation in language and cultural differences.
Beyond that, what others have said: having to get to know endless new people at university and in work, presentations, meetings, etc. Now sometimes I come home from nights out realising I was the obnoxious one who talked too much and too loudly ...You see this is my problem. I've gone a bit the other way too. Now when someone tries to put me down I sometimes jump down their throat and anyone looking on thinks that bloke is a bit of an arse and so that then knocks my confidence even further.
When talking to people I clam up and my mind goes a blank and I'm terrible at keeping conversation going unless I talk about myself and then people get bored so I end up sitting back and just listening but then I feel like I'm being anti social or rude or can't really be bothered. I go all self conscious so most of the time I actively avoid these situations. I never know how to start up a conversation with strangers or people I don't know very well and find it hard to know what to talk about unless I start telling them stuff about myself.