I once had to use the bog in a client's house. I'd not met the client before, and her living room seemed reasonably clean, so I thought it would be ok (plus I was absolutely busting for a pee).
It was the filthiest bathroom I have ever seen. It looked as though the IRA had been having a "dirty protest" in there. There was crap smeared on the walls, on the floor, even on the door. I thought I was going to puke.
I hovered above the lav to wee, and used bog roll so I could flush without touching the handle. It was horrific.
We now add it to risk assessments if the home environment is very unhygienic, so workers know in advance, and new staff get told where the best public bogs are in each area.
Feeling sick on the way to Wembley to watch Wigan in the Semi's, went in to one pub, it was like two levels, top level looked over the bottom level and queue for the toilets was out of the place, but I waited. Finally got in and there was one urinal but no toilets, all in use. Threw up in the urinal whilst pretending to have a pee, I'll not describe the situation in too much detail.
A few months ago I must have sat on the bowl for a good hour pushing a massive monster out. Half way through the thing snapped when I clenched at the wrong moment, which meant a good 10 minute wipe after the ordeal, So much wiping that the paper turned red.
The following seems very appropriate for this thread:
Ghost Shit
You know you've done a shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.
Teflon Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to make sure you did something.
Glue Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it's still not clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks so that you don't stain them. This kind of shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping, and you're about to stand up when you realise....you've got more.
Pop A Vein In Your Head Shit
The kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come out till you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Weight Watchers Shit
You shit so much, you lose several kilos.
Right Now Shit
You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head out before you can get your pants down.
King Kong Shit (or Choker)
This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually occurs at someone else's house.
Cork Shit (or Floater)
Even after the third flush it's still floating in the bowl.
Wet Cheek Shit (or Splashdown)
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet.
Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position and fart a few times, but no shit in sight. Sometimes called a political shit, since there's a lot of hot air and no result.
Brick Shit
You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you attempted this one.
Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least a metre long.
Beer and Pizza Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Most of the time your shit doesn't smell so bad but this one is BAD... and usually this one happens at someone else's house, with someone waiting outside to come in next.
Ring of Fire Shit (or Screamer)
The one that happens after you've eaten seriously hot, spicy food. You will know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.
The following seems very appropriate for this thread:
Ghost Shit
You know you've done a shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.
Teflon Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to make sure you did something.
Glue Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it's still not clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks so that you don't stain them. This kind of shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping, and you're about to stand up when you realise....you've got more.
Pop A Vein In Your Head Shit
The kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come out till you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Weight Watchers Shit
You shit so much, you lose several kilos.
Right Now Shit
You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head out before you can get your pants down.
King Kong Shit (or Choker)
This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually occurs at someone else's house.
Cork Shit (or Floater)
Even after the third flush it's still floating in the bowl.
Wet Cheek Shit (or Splashdown)
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet.
Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position and fart a few times, but no shit in sight. Sometimes called a political shit, since there's a lot of hot air and no result.
Brick Shit
You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you attempted this one.
Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least a metre long.
Beer and Pizza Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Most of the time your shit doesn't smell so bad but this one is BAD... and usually this one happens at someone else's house, with someone waiting outside to come in next.
Ring of Fire Shit (or Screamer)
The one that happens after you've eaten seriously hot, spicy food. You will know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.
You left out brown laser. One that comes out really quickly in a very fine stream.
Feeling sick on the way to Wembley to watch Wigan in the Semi's, went in to one pub, it was like two levels, top level looked over the bottom level and queue for the toilets was out of the place, but I waited. Finally got in and there was one urinal but no toilets, all in use. Threw up in the urinal whilst pretending to have a pee, I'll not describe the situation in too much detail.
You queued up to puke? Whenever I need to puke it's usually a dash to the toilet. Why didn't you just find a bush or drain outside?
On a similar note, quite a few years back I was at work in a school and I'd got a terrible hangover. They had a room where all the autistic kids had timeout and it had a little chill-out room with special lighting and bean bags. At break time the room was empty so I went for a lie down. Sadly the room was right next to the food tech room and a horrible food smell came wafting through. I immediately needed to puke so got up and ran out to the toilets which were locked so, obviously at work I couldn't puke outside, so I needed to go to another block, I sprinted to the main door only to find that locked too, I fumbled around with my keys, unlocked it and ran to the block opposite, I dashed in and just as I got to the toilet the door opened and it was the deputy head who began speaking to me, I quite literally pushed him out of the way and just made the sink before a full projectile stream came forth from my mouth.
I was once on a night out and was desperate for a poo on the way home, no public toilets so I managed to persuade a newsagents to let use their toilet in the back. It turned out to basically be a toilet in a store cupboard and I ended up doing my business surrounded by piles of tinned beans and cereal boxes. Lets just say I'm never going their for my groceries.
Another time I needed to be sick so classy me vomits over the wall of a bridge thinking the river underneath would wash it away, unfortunately once I'd done I realised it wasn't a river underneath, it was in fact a car park and I'd just been sick on a land rover.
I got half way to work once and got the brown sweats. I half walked, half ran arse clenched the rest of the way to work. I literally made it with seconds to spare.
If they become necessary in your life then you would. I've regrettably found the need to put up with them.
Since I was ill I've needed wet wipes to keep a higher level of hygiene. If I was confronted by a sniggering primary schoool teacher ( like in the ad ) I'd give her one to chew on.
Back to the topic then. 2nd worst was in hospital when I realised I had less than a minute to get to the loo or I'd sh*t myself in spectacular style. Luckily I made it and then followed a sh*t geyser
1st prize was at a party when I got paralytically drunk. I'll spare you the details but my sympathy goes out to the 2 women there who had to deal with the fall out of my lamentable behaviour.
My Mum and Dad were on holiday travelling around Majorca a few years back and ended up in a small village on market day. Mum had the squits and got the desperate urge to go. After making enquiries she was directed to a public toilet. She ran in to find it was just four walls with a trench dug around the perimeter of said walls - no cubicles, nothing. She had to go so just pulled her shorts down and had explosive diarrhoea. It didn't just go in the trench but all over the floor and wall behind as well. Luckily no one else was in there and she had toilet roll with her so she cleaned up as best she could. On leaving, another English tourist was just going in. She warned the lady that someone had made a terrible mess in there and to be careful when she went in. :D
Tesco in Cheriton, massive log laying in the pan and also sticking out of the water. It wouldn't flush away and I for one wouldn't use it with that there so had to call in at Sainsburys to use their loo.
Someone done something similar at work last week, just left it there for someone else to deal with. The sight of it made whatever I had come to do go right back up. ;-) The toilet actually had to be closed for the rest of the day I was there (about 3-4 hours) to deal with it. I have presumed for some time that Ladies toilets have become worst than the Gents to clean.
I was sitting on a public toilet and the end of my penis touched the inside of the toilet
Show off
On part one of the two coaches for a return journey, the coach driver was in a nasty mood for some reason. I doubt it had anything to do with the passengers as they were on time. Anyway this part of the journey was going to be a few hours and we had expected service station stop as there was no toilet on the coach. The driver wasn't having it, despite the repeated requests especially from those of us with kids. We were even passing service stations that we could have stopped at! So there was no choice for it, the back seats of the coach was emptying so people started to use that as a toilet.
After a while I think the emerging stink persuaded the driver to do something because we did then stop at coach point to where we were all transferred to another coach - with toilet - to finish the return journey.
Stepped unsuspectingly into the gents loo at work at 7:15am one morning, needing a wee, and immediately slipped on a pile of puke just inside the door - my arse landing on another of the 5 piles of puke all within a short distance of each other, and my right hand in another.
Had to wipe myself down as best I could and return to home for a wash and change and to chuck the trousers away. Wished I could have dumped the trousers there and then - was gagging myself from the muck and stench.
Then had to clean my car seat before I returned to work, and leave the door open for half an hour to get rid of the smell.
To cap it all, when I returned, the security guy said to me "Hope you're feeling better. You really should clean up after yourself" - yeah, it wasn't me mate. Never did find out who was responsible.
Been in some proper rotten ones on nights out. The type where the cubical door has no lock.. it's full of s**t and won't flush.. the floor is covered in water.. that sort of thing. Horrible.
Once walked into one busy pub toilets to see a bloke literally drop his pants to his ankles and start using a urinal. Leg's spread. Arse out and everything. That was interesting.
When I was aged 9 I spent a summer's day in a friend's swimming pool sitting in a rubber ring. Got terrible stomach cramps from sitting squashed over for hours and ended up crapping in my trunks. Managed to waddle to their loo with what felt like a pound of grapes nestling behind me and emptied the contents into their toilet. Then spent ages washing out my trunks in the sink and wiping everything down with loo roll, resulting in blocking their bog and my friend's mum coming in to sort it out.
Everyone twigged what had happened and I think I've mentally blocked the resulting shame that ensued. I do remember going home in the car with the windows down, passing a tractor hauling manure and my friend's mum enquiring if the smell was me
My brother needed the loo at a friend's house when he was little but it was occupied so he crapped in the corner of their lounge under a rug, carefully pressing the rug down flat after he'd finished. He also crapped in the swimming pool in Spain on a family holiday and they had to drain the pool. Only admitted it was him about 10 yrs after the incident too
Once walked into one busy pub toilets to see a bloke literally drop his pants to his ankles and start using a urinal. Leg's spread. Arse out and everything. That was interesting.
can you draw me a picture. I can only spread me legs so far when I have my pants around my ankles. I would like to know how it's done. ^_^
Do not be fooled by the fact that the page says tissue. Oh no, for those of you that haven't experienced this horror, this is about as far from tissue as it's possible to get. One side was laminated like plastic so you couldn't use that side to wipe as it just ended up spreading any shit around. The other side was so rough that every time you wiped you removed a layer of skin.
Do not be fooled by the fact that the page says tissue. Oh no, for those of you that haven't experienced this horror, this is about as far from tissue as it's possible to get. One side was laminated like plastic so you couldn't use that side to wipe as it just ended up spreading any shit around. The other side was so rough that every time you wiped you removed a layer of skin.
Whoever thought of that stuff was a sadist.
Literally the worst things ever invented. And I can't quite get my head round why anyone ever thought this was a good idea in schools
Do not be fooled by the fact that the page says tissue. Oh no, for those of you that haven't experienced this horror, this is about as far from tissue as it's possible to get. One side was laminated like plastic so you couldn't use that side to wipe as it just ended up spreading any shit around. The other side was so rough that every time you wiped you removed a layer of skin.
Comments
It was the filthiest bathroom I have ever seen. It looked as though the IRA had been having a "dirty protest" in there. There was crap smeared on the walls, on the floor, even on the door. I thought I was going to puke.
I hovered above the lav to wee, and used bog roll so I could flush without touching the handle. It was horrific.
We now add it to risk assessments if the home environment is very unhygienic, so workers know in advance, and new staff get told where the best public bogs are in each area.
Harry potter and the red wine poo
A few months ago I must have sat on the bowl for a good hour pushing a massive monster out. Half way through the thing snapped when I clenched at the wrong moment, which meant a good 10 minute wipe after the ordeal, So much wiping that the paper turned red.
The pain was most likely on par with child birth.
Ghost Shit
You know you've done a shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.
Teflon Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to make sure you did something.
Glue Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it's still not clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks so that you don't stain them. This kind of shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping, and you're about to stand up when you realise....you've got more.
Pop A Vein In Your Head Shit
The kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come out till you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Weight Watchers Shit
You shit so much, you lose several kilos.
Right Now Shit
You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head out before you can get your pants down.
King Kong Shit (or Choker)
This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually occurs at someone else's house.
Cork Shit (or Floater)
Even after the third flush it's still floating in the bowl.
Wet Cheek Shit (or Splashdown)
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet.
Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position and fart a few times, but no shit in sight. Sometimes called a political shit, since there's a lot of hot air and no result.
Brick Shit
You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you attempted this one.
Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least a metre long.
Beer and Pizza Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Most of the time your shit doesn't smell so bad but this one is BAD... and usually this one happens at someone else's house, with someone waiting outside to come in next.
Ring of Fire Shit (or Screamer)
The one that happens after you've eaten seriously hot, spicy food. You will know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.
You left out brown laser. One that comes out really quickly in a very fine stream.
You queued up to puke? Whenever I need to puke it's usually a dash to the toilet. Why didn't you just find a bush or drain outside?
On a similar note, quite a few years back I was at work in a school and I'd got a terrible hangover. They had a room where all the autistic kids had timeout and it had a little chill-out room with special lighting and bean bags. At break time the room was empty so I went for a lie down. Sadly the room was right next to the food tech room and a horrible food smell came wafting through. I immediately needed to puke so got up and ran out to the toilets which were locked so, obviously at work I couldn't puke outside, so I needed to go to another block, I sprinted to the main door only to find that locked too, I fumbled around with my keys, unlocked it and ran to the block opposite, I dashed in and just as I got to the toilet the door opened and it was the deputy head who began speaking to me, I quite literally pushed him out of the way and just made the sink before a full projectile stream came forth from my mouth.
Another time I needed to be sick so classy me vomits over the wall of a bridge thinking the river underneath would wash it away, unfortunately once I'd done I realised it wasn't a river underneath, it was in fact a car park and I'd just been sick on a land rover.
I don't like the feeling of using wet wipes
If they become necessary in your life then you would. I've regrettably found the need to put up with them.
Since I was ill I've needed wet wipes to keep a higher level of hygiene. If I was confronted by a sniggering primary schoool teacher ( like in the ad ) I'd give her one to chew on.
Back to the topic then. 2nd worst was in hospital when I realised I had less than a minute to get to the loo or I'd sh*t myself in spectacular style. Luckily I made it and then followed a sh*t geyser
1st prize was at a party when I got paralytically drunk. I'll spare you the details but my sympathy goes out to the 2 women there who had to deal with the fall out of my lamentable behaviour.
Show off
On part one of the two coaches for a return journey, the coach driver was in a nasty mood for some reason. I doubt it had anything to do with the passengers as they were on time. Anyway this part of the journey was going to be a few hours and we had expected service station stop as there was no toilet on the coach. The driver wasn't having it, despite the repeated requests especially from those of us with kids. We were even passing service stations that we could have stopped at! So there was no choice for it, the back seats of the coach was emptying so people started to use that as a toilet.
After a while I think the emerging stink persuaded the driver to do something because we did then stop at coach point to where we were all transferred to another coach - with toilet - to finish the return journey.
“... I don’t care what they told you down the clinic ‘luv,…that’s the only possible explanation…”
Had to wipe myself down as best I could and return to home for a wash and change and to chuck the trousers away. Wished I could have dumped the trousers there and then - was gagging myself from the muck and stench.
Then had to clean my car seat before I returned to work, and leave the door open for half an hour to get rid of the smell.
To cap it all, when I returned, the security guy said to me "Hope you're feeling better. You really should clean up after yourself" - yeah, it wasn't me mate. Never did find out who was responsible.
Once walked into one busy pub toilets to see a bloke literally drop his pants to his ankles and start using a urinal. Leg's spread. Arse out and everything. That was interesting.
Everyone twigged what had happened and I think I've mentally blocked the resulting shame that ensued. I do remember going home in the car with the windows down, passing a tractor hauling manure and my friend's mum enquiring if the smell was me
My brother needed the loo at a friend's house when he was little but it was occupied so he crapped in the corner of their lounge under a rug, carefully pressing the rug down flat after he'd finished. He also crapped in the swimming pool in Spain on a family holiday and they had to drain the pool. Only admitted it was him about 10 yrs after the incident too
Do not be fooled by the fact that the page says tissue. Oh no, for those of you that haven't experienced this horror, this is about as far from tissue as it's possible to get. One side was laminated like plastic so you couldn't use that side to wipe as it just ended up spreading any shit around. The other side was so rough that every time you wiped you removed a layer of skin.
Whoever thought of that stuff was a sadist.
Literally the worst things ever invented. And I can't quite get my head round why anyone ever thought this was a good idea in schools
Or a Camper!
This from the letters page of ‘Camping Magazine’:
“…I always keep a supply of Izal toilet tissue, …in spite of the jokes there is one outstanding advantage;
... it fits in a takeaway meal tub and can be used even if the rain has got to it…”