I was out and about on my own and felt the need for a number two, and happened across a sign which I sussed out was a public loo.
The whole episode still gives me the shudders.
Firstly, the place looked and smelt horrendous, like the loo in Trainspotting. Then I had to pay some granny attendant 10 roubles for the use of the facilities and she handed me loo roll.
The in dawned on me that the stalls only had walls a few feet high and saloon type doors the same height, when I entered the stall, there was no loo, just a hole in the floor.
By now I'm thinking of leaving, but my bowels have other ideas.
To make a grim situation even worse, some bloke comes into the next stall and starts doing his business. The height of the walls means we can see each others head and shoulders, when squatting.
I'm squatting, with my arse out, having a poo down a hole, trying not to make any eye contact with anyone, and he starts trying to have a conversation (I don't speak any Russian).
To make a worse grim situation ever worse, the granny starts mopping up and down this hell hole loo from darkest hell.
I'm trying to wipe myself, politely ignore the incomprehensible chatty hunter next to me, and not expose myself to a pensioner.
Do not be fooled by the fact that the page says tissue. Oh no, for those of you that haven't experienced this horror, this is about as far from tissue as it's possible to get. One side was laminated like plastic so you couldn't use that side to wipe as it just ended up spreading any shit around. The other side was so rough that every time you wiped you removed a layer of skin.
Whoever thought of that stuff was a sadist.
Referred to as John Wayne toilet roll in my family. Rough, tough abd doesn't take any sh1t
Train loos - one of the worst experiences. Had my leaving drinks at work, got on the train, and 40min into an hour journey needed a wee. Found the train loo; swimming in every form of disgusting stuff that people use a loo for. Shut the door and hoped I'd make it to the next stop. Next stop - unmanned station with no open loo. When I got to my destination, I "pigeon ran" desperately to the nearest pub, which was dead, and asked for the loo. Paid for a lemonade on the way out just to say thanks I was that grateful.
Years ago watching the Stereophonics play at Swansea in a large park. Chemical loos - huge queues. Watched other women wee in the open as queues were that long.
Cyprus up in the Troodos mountains. Basic hole in the floor, with flies and spiders. Suddenly didn't need to wee, sucked it right back up!
Holidaying with friends in San Francisco, one friend did such a huge log that it blocked the loo of the apartments we were staying in. The owner had to get a rod down the loo to clear it.
I work as a domestic in a care home so nothing really shocks me anymore. .
Worst toilets ever oktoberfest Glasgow a few years back..mr hankeys escaping oot the doors of the portaloos..it wasn't that bad at Glastonbury or Donington ffs..vile..never again..
After a very long drinking session with a friend I ended up crashing on his sofa. It was the first time i'd been round his flat so didn't know the lay out. At some point in the middle of the night I woke up confused, disorientated, still extremely drunk and desperately needing a pee. I stumbled around in the dark feeling the walls for a door to a toilet but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't find one.
In the end I could wait any longer so I went into his kitchen and peed in the sink. To make matters worse he still had a load of dirty dishes in the sink. I then collapsed back on the sofa a passed out.
I only remembered doing this about a month after the night!
Oh, and I found out when going round on another occasion that the toilet was through his bedroom. No wonder I never found it!
I was in a nightclub a few years ago and a woman was using the urinal. It was the trough variety rather than individual ones. Squatting down having a pee and chatting to people. The dirty clart
The following seems very appropriate for this thread:
Ghost Shit
You know you've done a shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.
Teflon Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to make sure you did something.
Glue Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it's still not clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks so that you don't stain them. This kind of shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping, and you're about to stand up when you realise....you've got more.
Pop A Vein In Your Head Shit
The kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come out till you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Weight Watchers Shit
You shit so much, you lose several kilos.
Right Now Shit
You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head out before you can get your pants down.
King Kong Shit (or Choker)
This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually occurs at someone else's house.
Cork Shit (or Floater)
Even after the third flush it's still floating in the bowl.
Wet Cheek Shit (or Splashdown)
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet.
Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position and fart a few times, but no shit in sight. Sometimes called a political shit, since there's a lot of hot air and no result.
Brick Shit
You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you attempted this one.
Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least a metre long.
Beer and Pizza Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Most of the time your shit doesn't smell so bad but this one is BAD... and usually this one happens at someone else's house, with someone waiting outside to come in next.
Ring of Fire Shit (or Screamer)
The one that happens after you've eaten seriously hot, spicy food. You will know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.
You forgot:-
Scatter gun shit
It all splurts out in one go, and when you've finished, the trap looks like your arse just exploded
We were in Turkey and hired a boat with just a chap whose boat it was steering it. There were 4 of us 2 couples.
I suddenly became over sick and felt really unwell. I kept being sick over the side of the boat but when I needed the loo I had to ask and was shown where the loo was below deck. It was the dirtiest filthiest most disgusting toilet I have ever seen. My friend came down below with me and she said you can't use this. Why don't you swim over the side of the boat and go in the water? Visions of floating debris came to mind so I just used the loo.
That's grim. How is it possible to wipe adequately whilst stood up?
How is it not possible? I stand up and have never had any problems. I didn't know people wiped sitting down, that sounds a lot more difficult than standing up.
I've never had any experiences as bad as some in this thread. One of the more amusing ones at Uni though was a troublesome floater that wouldn't go anywhere so I had to go outside, get a stick and then prod it round the bend. Never lived that down and was always asked if I had my stick whenever I used the loo.
Years and years ago my eldest and I were stuck in a massive traffic jam. It was the M25 on a Friday rush hour, on a day when a massive storm hit the whole country (that I had failed to be notified of as was busy packing and sorting all day).
He said 'I need a poo, Mum.'
Well, stuck in traffic on a motorway there was nothing to do but tell him to hold it.
I was telling him to hold it for ages when we finally got to a service station.
He sat down on the loo and said it hurt so I looked down behind him in to the pan and he produced the biggest, longest, crap I have ever seen in my life. Truly.
I looked at his little self and couldn't help but be half scared, half in awe, that his little bod had managed contain such an impressive amount of poo. I felt so awful for making him wait.
Got back in the car, mentally self-flagellating for being such a bad Mum. Joined the traffic and all of a sudden got the most stomach churning, sweat inducing need to go - and I had to wait in stop/start or crawling traffic to the next services.
Karma is a bitch.
Second most awful moment was in Ikea.
Had salted and buttered corn on the cob for breakfast and then went to Ikea.
The urge was like nothing on earth - and I mean nothing - I've had three babies.
Problem was - I had to walk through living room arrangements, sofa choices, dining displays, kitchen area, lighting department etc. before I could get to the loo.
By which time I was desperate, sweating, panting, near to passing out and losing all control.
Got grundies only half way down when I started machine gunning the pan with undigested corn kernels.
To this day I still can't eat corn on the cob.
I've never had any experiences as bad as some in this thread. One of the more amusing ones at Uni though was a troublesome floater that wouldn't go anywhere so I had to go outside, get a stick and then prod it round the bend. Never lived that down and was always asked if I had my stick whenever I used the loo.
I did shit myself aged about 27 once though.
The best way to get rid of floaters is to place a few sheets of loo roll just above it. When you flush, the loo roll will go down, and carry the floater with it.
The best way to get rid of floaters is to place a few sheets of loo roll just above it. When you flush, the loo roll will go down, and carry the floater with it.
There's been times when that's not worked for me! :eek:
The best way to get rid of floaters is to place a few sheets of loo roll just above it. When you flush, the loo roll will go down, and carry the floater with it.
Always worth a try, but there are those that just have to be beaten into submission.
On a side note, how do people get on with those new bogs these days, the ones with a 'U' bend tighter than a ducks arse and a flush that lasts for just 3.2 miliseconds, depositing just a single teaspoon of water (those strange buttons on the top to flush to)?
I know toilets aren't the most hygienic of places but some're environmental health hazards themselves (in no particular order):-
The ones in the former Whalley Hotel (I had to be sick after leaving it)
The Shakespeare in Manchester City Centre opposite Primark (sometimes you don't want to know)
The former toilet in Piccadilly bus station where you had to insert coinage (very inconvenient if you were bursting) and the coin slot REFUSED point blank to accept any money. Even then the interior was sometimes a disgrace (either it gets sorted or gets removed otherwise Manchester City Council'll have a white elephant on their hands and won't be able to complain about you know what).
I can't see how. If I'm stood up with my arms by my side all I've got to do is move my arm a few inches to one side and I'm touching my arse. Sat on a toilet I've got to reach down and around a smallish gap between my legs and the toilet seat and also past my willy and balls.
I can't see how. If I'm stood up with my arms by my side all I've got to do is move my arm a few inches to one side and I'm touching my arse. Sat on a toilet I've got to reach down and around a smallish gap between my legs and the toilet seat and also past my willy and balls.
But your cheeks naturally open when you're sat down whereas they close/clench when stood up.
But your cheeks naturally open when you're sat down whereas they close/clench when stood up.
I can't say I've ever had to pry them apart, they open naturally when you shove a bit of toilet roll between them. Maybe if you've got a massive arse it might be an issue.
Comments
I was out and about on my own and felt the need for a number two, and happened across a sign which I sussed out was a public loo.
The whole episode still gives me the shudders.
Firstly, the place looked and smelt horrendous, like the loo in Trainspotting. Then I had to pay some granny attendant 10 roubles for the use of the facilities and she handed me loo roll.
The in dawned on me that the stalls only had walls a few feet high and saloon type doors the same height, when I entered the stall, there was no loo, just a hole in the floor.
By now I'm thinking of leaving, but my bowels have other ideas.
To make a grim situation even worse, some bloke comes into the next stall and starts doing his business. The height of the walls means we can see each others head and shoulders, when squatting.
I'm squatting, with my arse out, having a poo down a hole, trying not to make any eye contact with anyone, and he starts trying to have a conversation (I don't speak any Russian).
To make a worse grim situation ever worse, the granny starts mopping up and down this hell hole loo from darkest hell.
I'm trying to wipe myself, politely ignore the incomprehensible chatty hunter next to me, and not expose myself to a pensioner.
After all that, there was no soap.
Referred to as John Wayne toilet roll in my family. Rough, tough abd doesn't take any sh1t
Years ago watching the Stereophonics play at Swansea in a large park. Chemical loos - huge queues. Watched other women wee in the open as queues were that long.
Cyprus up in the Troodos mountains. Basic hole in the floor, with flies and spiders. Suddenly didn't need to wee, sucked it right back up!
Holidaying with friends in San Francisco, one friend did such a huge log that it blocked the loo of the apartments we were staying in. The owner had to get a rod down the loo to clear it.
Worst toilets ever oktoberfest Glasgow a few years back..mr hankeys escaping oot the doors of the portaloos..it wasn't that bad at Glastonbury or Donington ffs..vile..never again..
Hehe..I used to nick the izal from school..was great tracing paper..
As a female. .yeah not fun for pee..runs back.....urgh..
In the end I could wait any longer so I went into his kitchen and peed in the sink. To make matters worse he still had a load of dirty dishes in the sink. I then collapsed back on the sofa a passed out.
I only remembered doing this about a month after the night!
Oh, and I found out when going round on another occasion that the toilet was through his bedroom. No wonder I never found it!
You forgot:-
Scatter gun shit
It all splurts out in one go, and when you've finished, the trap looks like your arse just exploded
I cleaned it up as well.
I suddenly became over sick and felt really unwell. I kept being sick over the side of the boat but when I needed the loo I had to ask and was shown where the loo was below deck. It was the dirtiest filthiest most disgusting toilet I have ever seen. My friend came down below with me and she said you can't use this. Why don't you swim over the side of the boat and go in the water? Visions of floating debris came to mind so I just used the loo.
That's grim. How is it possible to wipe adequately whilst stood up?
How is it not possible? I stand up and have never had any problems. I didn't know people wiped sitting down, that sounds a lot more difficult than standing up.
Depends whether you are male or female.
I did shit myself aged about 27 once though.
He said 'I need a poo, Mum.'
Well, stuck in traffic on a motorway there was nothing to do but tell him to hold it.
I was telling him to hold it for ages when we finally got to a service station.
He sat down on the loo and said it hurt so I looked down behind him in to the pan and he produced the biggest, longest, crap I have ever seen in my life. Truly.
I looked at his little self and couldn't help but be half scared, half in awe, that his little bod had managed contain such an impressive amount of poo. I felt so awful for making him wait.
Got back in the car, mentally self-flagellating for being such a bad Mum. Joined the traffic and all of a sudden got the most stomach churning, sweat inducing need to go - and I had to wait in stop/start or crawling traffic to the next services.
Karma is a bitch.
Second most awful moment was in Ikea.
Had salted and buttered corn on the cob for breakfast and then went to Ikea.
The urge was like nothing on earth - and I mean nothing - I've had three babies.
Problem was - I had to walk through living room arrangements, sofa choices, dining displays, kitchen area, lighting department etc. before I could get to the loo.
By which time I was desperate, sweating, panting, near to passing out and losing all control.
Got grundies only half way down when I started machine gunning the pan with undigested corn kernels.
To this day I still can't eat corn on the cob.
The best way to get rid of floaters is to place a few sheets of loo roll just above it. When you flush, the loo roll will go down, and carry the floater with it.
There's been times when that's not worked for me! :eek:
Always worth a try, but there are those that just have to be beaten into submission.
On a side note, how do people get on with those new bogs these days, the ones with a 'U' bend tighter than a ducks arse and a flush that lasts for just 3.2 miliseconds, depositing just a single teaspoon of water (those strange buttons on the top to flush to)?
Can't beat a (roughly) pre 1980s system.
The ones in the former Whalley Hotel (I had to be sick after leaving it)
The Shakespeare in Manchester City Centre opposite Primark (sometimes you don't want to know)
The former toilet in Piccadilly bus station where you had to insert coinage (very inconvenient if you were bursting) and the coin slot REFUSED point blank to accept any money. Even then the interior was sometimes a disgrace (either it gets sorted or gets removed otherwise Manchester City Council'll have a white elephant on their hands and won't be able to complain about you know what).
I can't see how. If I'm stood up with my arms by my side all I've got to do is move my arm a few inches to one side and I'm touching my arse. Sat on a toilet I've got to reach down and around a smallish gap between my legs and the toilet seat and also past my willy and balls.
But your cheeks naturally open when you're sat down whereas they close/clench when stood up.
I can't say I've ever had to pry them apart, they open naturally when you shove a bit of toilet roll between them. Maybe if you've got a massive arse it might be an issue.