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Is this self harm?
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Please note, this is simply a question, trying to understand my own behaviours. I really am not about to go and top myself.
When I get really frustrated, I whack my head on walls, just until the tears go away. Mental I know, but momentary.
This year, I've developed this habit of pinching/scratching my arms when I'm not in control.
My lack of control has undoubtedly sprung from my relationship. It's my first and I know I have the most loving man in the world. But I don't understand the dynamics of a relationships and am... well... torn. I rely on this guy so much. He is my happiness and I never want to be without him. But I've never accepted that he can love me and on some level, am detatched because my idiot self "knows" that he'll leave me because he doesn't have to love me and there's no reason how he can. It scares me that he is the only way I can be OK and as such I have (selfishly) told him he's asking more than I have when he asks me to let him take me out of "this cycle of misery". There's nothing to stop him letting me down.
Remember, not about to kill myself :P He knows I have these issues and we're working through them together.
The thing is, when I feel neglected or small or not enough, I'll curl up and pinch, scratch myself. In those times, I feel like I deserve the pain because I'm so hateful, and the marks it leaves are gratifying.
My boyfriend has learnt to recognise the motion of such movement and tends to restrain me and make me talk. Then I'll feel better and feel guilty when the marks don't fade, which makes me want to do it more (my worst episode, the pinch marks were on my wrist for 3 weeks)
My boyfriend says it terrifies him that I'm so determined to hurt myself, but it's only in the moments I deserve it, when it's a situation I've lost control over and shouldn't have. It's just punishment surely?
But he got his WebMD out the other day and sat me down and told me I'm a self harmer, because pinching yourself raw is apparantly a sign of regaining control - the latter I accept, but a self harmer? I had a friend that used to hack at her wrists with sharpener blades and was proud of her collection. I'm not proud of not being in control, I'm just getting it back. I don't want to die, I don't even want to hurt, but it distracts me. She wore her scars with pride... mine disgust me as soon as the moment of gratification is past. I don't bleed. So it's not is it? It's just getting back the control.
When I get really frustrated, I whack my head on walls, just until the tears go away. Mental I know, but momentary.
This year, I've developed this habit of pinching/scratching my arms when I'm not in control.
My lack of control has undoubtedly sprung from my relationship. It's my first and I know I have the most loving man in the world. But I don't understand the dynamics of a relationships and am... well... torn. I rely on this guy so much. He is my happiness and I never want to be without him. But I've never accepted that he can love me and on some level, am detatched because my idiot self "knows" that he'll leave me because he doesn't have to love me and there's no reason how he can. It scares me that he is the only way I can be OK and as such I have (selfishly) told him he's asking more than I have when he asks me to let him take me out of "this cycle of misery". There's nothing to stop him letting me down.
Remember, not about to kill myself :P He knows I have these issues and we're working through them together.
The thing is, when I feel neglected or small or not enough, I'll curl up and pinch, scratch myself. In those times, I feel like I deserve the pain because I'm so hateful, and the marks it leaves are gratifying.
My boyfriend has learnt to recognise the motion of such movement and tends to restrain me and make me talk. Then I'll feel better and feel guilty when the marks don't fade, which makes me want to do it more (my worst episode, the pinch marks were on my wrist for 3 weeks)
My boyfriend says it terrifies him that I'm so determined to hurt myself, but it's only in the moments I deserve it, when it's a situation I've lost control over and shouldn't have. It's just punishment surely?
But he got his WebMD out the other day and sat me down and told me I'm a self harmer, because pinching yourself raw is apparantly a sign of regaining control - the latter I accept, but a self harmer? I had a friend that used to hack at her wrists with sharpener blades and was proud of her collection. I'm not proud of not being in control, I'm just getting it back. I don't want to die, I don't even want to hurt, but it distracts me. She wore her scars with pride... mine disgust me as soon as the moment of gratification is past. I don't bleed. So it's not is it? It's just getting back the control.
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Comments
I'd suggest CBT to be honest. You need help to find ways to regain control without hurting yourself, then move on to strategies for not losing control in the first place.
You may need to get imaginative on how to focus your hurt to let it out in an innocent way, rather than in a way that harms you.
You don't deserve it even if you think you do.
(virtual hugs)
I do the same, though. It stops me cutting myself.
You can try to convince yourself that it is not self harm and you dont want to kill yourself ect, but you are hurting yourself! I have days sometimes where i really want to hurt myself outside as a way of releasing the pain inside when things go wrong with my Mum and my sister. I know exactly how it feels to have that release and get rid of some of the hurt.
The one thing that stops me now is that I know how much I am hurting the person i love the most when i do it.
Point number two; you don't believe your boyfriend needs to love you, but you need to love him.
You've got a vicious circle set up there and serious case of self-worth issues. Yes, this is definitely self-harming and you need to deal with the root cause of this. It's obvious from your post that you have an insecurity about your self-worth. You have a "need" to be accepted and loved by another to feel good about youself, yet simultaneously believe that the perosn who does love you really doesn't (and can't) and that drives the cycles further.
The risk is that your self-harming could drive your boyfriend away and that will only make you feel more confident in your lack of self-worth in the long run.
You need to deal with why you believe you deserve to be hurt. You say you only self-harm when you deserve it. The issue is WHY you believe you deserve this harm. You don't. You should really consider seeking professional help to uncover the cause of this belief. Working through it with your boyfriend is good, but it can often be far easier to root through these issues with somone trained in psychology - and someone who you are not close to. Believe it or not, but it can be far easier to open up to a stranger than to someone close to us.
The good sign is that you already recognise this as a problem. Take control of that problem. Own it and don't let it own you. Seek help and nip it in the bud before it has a chance to grow. you may not be thinking about topping yourself now - which is good - but make sure you never reach that stage.
If you had measles, you'd go to the doctor to sort it. Treat this the same. Go see someone.
However, I began Counselling. This is a move that might help you as well. I haven't stopped the harming completly, but it is a lot less frequent than before, as with the Counsellor, I worked out ways of beating the harming.
I have gone down this path, as I do not want to hurt the person I love most, might also help you to stop hurting your boyfriend
You need to get professional help because you're very insecure & the trouble with that is your partner will tire of it eventually & go, then you'll tell yourself you knew that would happen & justify the insecurity & the circle goes on & on.
It's the insecurity that will have them running away. It's not you being clever & knowing all along that it was going to happen. If that made sense.?
I'm about 2 years free now so it can be beaten. I still think about it sometimes when I feel angry or depressed but these days I don't even get close to doing it.
It made perfect sense, it's exactly how I feel. I know I shouldn't because I'm well aware it's self destructive. I've seen it happen to others and I don't want to be like that but in myself, I don't know how to be any different. So I guess the CBT has been a long time needed. I've always wondered how it improves people.
It works by getting you to challenge what you are thinking - the theory is that if you can change the way you think it will become easier to change the way you behave. So it will help you to turn off the negative and destructive internal dialogue you have going on inside your head where you tell yourself you are no good, unworthy or whatever. It's these thoughts that lead to self destructive behaviour. It can be very very effective.