I agree with what most posters have said. You need to just stop all communication with her. I'm not much of a 'people person' so i never have direct contact with my boyfriends family and i never have any issues at all as a result of this.
Honestly, it might seem like it will make things worse but the only way you are going to be able to escape this is by severing all contact. Seriously if you just stop caring about it, she will eventually get the message and get tired of trying to get a rise out of you.
For goodness sake lem, just stop the contact, outwith anything that is absolutely necessary. If she is hassilng you, ignore it. If she is hassling you about her son, tell him to deal with it. I hate to say it, but this is sounding like a right old battle of wills where both of you are wanting to come out top dog. You are NOT her friend, she is not yours, so just accept that and move on. Especially if she is going to manipulate situations to her benefit continually (not saying this is all her doing however). Your relationship will not survive otherwise.
Why on earth are you sharing information about your sister's depression with her for example.
If you try to be nice to someone and they punch you, would you keep going back again and again to get punched again and again?
The OP needs to stop being a glutton for punishment.
Ah yes, talking on the phone makes me anxious, plus I am not a native speaker and find it much easier to express myself in writing.
I spoke about my sister because bf tells her when they talk on the phone.
I'm not a native speaker either.
One thing I have realised is that sometimes the written words come across different than if you had said it to that person. It all depends in what sort of tone they read the text, and if it is taken in the meaning it was send.
btw... your English is fine, so you shouldn't have any worries on that front
Well, as I said I only got to mention that to her because HE asked me if I was coming too. I have known about her wanting him over for a few weeks but I've never once mentioned anything about going too to him or her.
I bloody told her I don't mind him going to stay there. I actually prefer it if he goes to visit her. I don't stop him from communicating with her in any way.
Maybe I'll need to explain a little incident that occurred just a few days ago.
His mum called him and when she was ending the call he told him she was saying hi to me.
Well, you'd think she was being a nice MIL, wouldn't you?
Well, we had been actually texting each other a few hours earlier (I said I was trying to get along with her) and I was telling her about my sister's situation, but she stopped replying to me just like that... as soon as I started talking about something that wasn't her son.
I said to him simply that we had been texting and she had stopped replying.
I know that was maybe kind of bitchy of me, but he needs to know how she is with me, as I am fed up with being the one accused of having an attitude out of nothing, especially when she then goes and pretends to care about me with him.
He said defensively that I know what she's like, she falls asleep, making sound like she's lethargic! Of course she isn't. I said I was discussing something serious (my sister's severe depression). He said maybe she got busy. I said ok, but she didn't even text me back later. He said, well, maybe she didn't wanna hassle me as I can be a moody b**ch, especially with her!
The fact is, even accepting that I might be like that, that she doesn't have problems "hassling" me when she needs something from me.
Apparently she has these concerns then only when I am trying to have a normal conversation that it's not centred on her son. Anyway as I said I was in the frame of mind of trying to be friendly and so this thing about me being a moody b**ch just doesn't apply.
I just dropped the whole matter at that point as it looked clear to me that he was scraping the barrel to excuse her.
I did say that wasn't really the first time she acted like that. Can you see why it is important for me to highlight all the instances where I can prove to him she is just fake towards me? Because he just can't bring himself to admit that his mother is not a saint come down from heaven and I am not the evil b**ch.
He needs facts and I am giving them to him now as I have been patient and sucked it up for too long.
I think she should have clearly told him she wanted him to go alone and then he could have drawn his conclusions. She made it sound to me like she has no problems telling him why, but I know she has. She doesn't want to face the consequences.
By the sounds of it you and her were texting in a friendly manner about your bf? It sounds like you and her do interact civilly on occasion?
Re your BIB - sorry but it makes you sound a bit er Why does he have to admit his mother is anything? If you stop contacting her you won't need to force him into admitting anything about the woman who gave birth to and raised him.
I don't know why you'd put something as petty as her not replying to your text in the context that you have and present it to your boyfriend as some kind of case against his mother - maybe she was busy, maybe she isn't interested in talking about your sister's depression. Either way, she wasn't outright rude - she just didn't text back. Hardly crime of the century is it.
Maybe there are occasions where she is really awful - but not texting back isn't one of them.
You should take a leaf out of your MILs book - don't slag off someone who your boyf loves unless absolutely necessary. It won't earn you any brownie points nor do your relationship any favours.
Sorry, maybe you're just here to off load, but to me it doesn't seem like you're faultless here...
Lem instead of ranting please just answer the following, what would you like in an ideal world?
Would you like a friendship with her? A life long feud? Would you like your bf to disown her? We need to know. Then we can advise although you seem to be ignoring all the advice anyway.
But it's them that don't respect my wishes of not interacting with her.
If I am still having to answer texts is because when I tried to ignore her, block her etc,it just backfired. Since I am told I don't make an effort to get along and I am not civil, I told myself the last two weeks I would try and put my problems with her to the back of my mind and try to interact with her in a normal-ish way so I can say I did try once again.
I appreciate all advice and sometimes I admit that I just rant and rant, and I apologize; I interpret this section also as a section where you can find people who are willing to listen to issues.
That doesn't mean it has to be like that.
I'd like for her to stop all the things that annoy me. If she were more open with her son about what she thinks of me, she'd make it easier and I wouldn't have to be the only one to take the blame in regard to our strained relationship.
I think I feel so bitter about her also because I feel like I am not part of the family really, if she thinks she needs me to stay away for her sons to spend time together, as though I was a threat.
This is not the first time I get told I need to stay away, but I kept these feelings for me. Haven't moaned about that yet haha .
About her not replying to my texts, I do know it's a petty thing in the grand scheme of things... that is just one example and I am sorry but it's one small thing adding up. I do think it's rude, as I was talking about something serious and she goes on about being the one friendly towards me and me not making an effort.
I am not exactly encouraged to be more friendly when she can't be bothered to sort of be there for me (at least listening to me for once).
It doesn't take one minute to send a text saying I need to do something or whatever. Not replying ever is rude. I would have understood if we were arguing, but we weren't. It's not a crime no, but she annoyed me when she told bf to say hi to me, but she can't be bothered to reply to me, so why say that? It sounds fake to me.
I am full of resentment, not denying it. I have my reasons, though.
I talk so much but it's because I don't wanna be judged too quickly.
We lived together for a year and believe me, I listened to her ranting, etc many times; sometimes I was kept up all night; I actively helped her with her debt problems, so she could at least return the favour. That's my view.
I think while you have all those negative thoughts in your head it will never work. Its almost as though you are planning for it to fail.
What does your partner think about all this? Poor sod is piggy in the middle, being pulled between Mum and you.
I think you should just finish the relationship personally. Youve said hes tried to push you down the stairs and youve self harmed because of how he makes you feel. His mum is just baggage. Cut your losses and find someone who treats you with respect and has a nicer family.
But of course i know you wont because nobody ever does.
The thing is you cant see that you are causing the problems! I dont know how many people you need to tell you NOT TO TEXT HER before you will listen!
Its like me saying "everytime i put my hand in my dogs mouth he bites me, what can i do to stop it?"
Duh?
Tt88 I was doing that, but she kept pestering me. Bf went to read her texts, said I am not being civil (shouting btw and it wasn't nice). So, I didn't even get a chance to explain why I wasn't replying to her texts. Since I don't have anything to hide, I don't normally tend to delete texts etc.
Bf is the problem yeah. I was trying to show him why I don't get on with her but without openly arguing.
I had to unblock her number in the end cos bf doesn't have minutes to call, I do, so he calls her from my phone.
Having said this, I don't initiate any contact, maybe that wasn't clear.
I think you should just finish the relationship personally. Youve said hes tried to push you down the stairs and youve self harmed because of how he makes you feel. His mum is just baggage. Cut your losses and find someone who treats you with respect and has a nicer family.
But of course i know you wont because nobody ever does.
Unfortunately it's not easy. I know I would say "dump him" to someone telling me what I am telling you people on here, but then it's different when you're in the situation - I wouldn't know how to explain... you just can't let go.
I did self-harm twice this year and the first time had nothing to do with problems with his mum, it was a complete different matter.
Bf knows about the first time I did it, as it was pretty difficult to hide. I would never ever tell this to my family or MIL.
I'd like for her to stop all the things that annoy me. If she were more open with her son about what she thinks of me, she'd make it easier and I wouldn't have to be the only one to take the blame in regard to our strained relationship.
Maybe she isn't open about what she thinks of you because she doesn't want her son to feel like he has to choose between the 2 of you...
Have you considered how hard it must be for him to hear you going on about how awful his mother is?
I don't talk bad to him about his mum... err, he jumps at my throat as soon he thinks I am slightly criticising her!
Lots of other times I said ok, hi. I am not super human so that was the only bloody time I had the courage to sort of speak up.
Bf doesn't act like a peacemaker, sorry no.
Well, it's one thing being civil, another letting them treat you like dirt. They might be the parents but that doesn't give them the right to act like god and do and say whatever they want.
I doubt she cares as when she made us homeless, she told me he'd have to choose between me and them.
You need to stop conducting a relationship with her by text.
If she texts you I would wait a few hours and then respond with 'sorry left my phone at home/work/in my bag' but don't reply to the content of her message.
Leave it longer and longer to reply to her texts and never address the content of them in more than one sentence - one word and a kiss if possible.
You need to wean her off texting you about every little thing - it's turned into a bad habit and you are fuelling it by responding. It's turned into a duel which you both want to win.
Make your responses as boring and non commital as possible until she loses interest - do not share any personal information with her. She's not your friend, save that for people you actively like.
It's very childish in my opinion - you need to try to establish a more adult relationship with her where she is simply your boyfriend's mother and nothing more.
Have a bit of self restraint over what you put in your texts to her and eventually she will go away and both some other mug.
Shot me if I am wrong..... You seem to be like a dog with a bone where his mother is concerned.
And if you are composing your texts in the manner you are composing your replies here, I am not surprised that you get the brush off from her.
You dismiss everything, no matter what people suggest. Somebody here must have said something of some use to you. Yet you always go on the defensive straight away, and blow them out of the water with another little titbit.
Shot me if I am wrong..... You seem to be like a dog with a bone where his mother is concerned.
And if you are composing your texts in the manner you are composing your replies here, I am not surprised that you get the brush off from her.
You dismiss everything, no matter what people suggest. Somebody here must have said something of some use to you. Yet you always go on the defensive straight away, and blow them out of the water with another little titbit.
Sorry, if I come across like that
I have been told I need to stop contacting her and I just said that I tried but sadly it doesn't seem viable for me to put this into practice.
I read lots of threads on here and see sometimes the OPs openly insult posters who talk harshly to them.
I don't think I have been rude to anyone on here. I might be a bi*ch to bf's mum, if that's what it looks like, but I pride myself with being quite a polite and kind person.
Actually, I had another thread on here, OT I know, about a little eBay mess with a woman bidding for an item I was selling, then telling me it was a mistake then mysteriously paying for the item etc... well, she left me a positive feedback for the cancelled transaction saying I am a lovely lady for how I beautifully sorted out the mess she clumsily made.
Boasting now yes, and I never do this normally, I always put myself down, but I am not an unreasonable cow.
Just mentioning cos in a bad day, let's say, this at least put a smile on my face. Good for my mood.
I have been told I need to stop contacting her and I just said that I tried but sadly it doesn't seem viable for me to put this into practice.
I read lots of threads on here and see sometimes the OPs openly insult posters who talk harshly to them.
I don't think I have been rude to anyone on here. I might be a bi*ch to bf's mum, if that's what it looks like, but I pride myself with being quite a polite and kind person.
Actually, I had another thread on here, OT I know, about a little eBay mess with a woman bidding for an item I was selling, then telling me it was a mistake then mysteriously paying for the item etc... well, she left me a positive feedback for the cancelled transaction saying I am a lovely lady for how I beautifully sorted out the mess she clumsily made.
Boasting now yes, and I never do this normally, I always put myself down, but I am not an unreasonable cow.
Just mentioning cos in a bad day, let's say, this at least put a smile on my face. Good for my mood.
Don't get me wrong please, you are not being rude here. Just very dismissive to everything anybody says.
And you said it yourself.... you are being a bi*tch to his mother. Stop being a bi*ch to her, treat her like you would be treated, always be polite, calm and friendly when dealing with her. That will take the wind out of her sails. And try to talk to her, rather then text her.
I have been told I need to stop contacting her and I just said that I tried but sadly it doesn't seem viable for me to put this into practice.
I read lots of threads on here and see sometimes the OPs openly insult posters who talk harshly to them.
I don't think I have been rude to anyone on here. I might be a bi*ch to bf's mum, if that's what it looks like, but I pride myself with being quite a polite and kind person.
Actually, I had another thread on here, OT I know, about a little eBay mess with a woman bidding for an item I was selling, then telling me it was a mistake then mysteriously paying for the item etc... well, she left me a positive feedback for the cancelled transaction saying I am a lovely lady for how I beautifully sorted out the mess she clumsily made.
Boasting now yes, and I never do this normally, I always put myself down, but I am not an unreasonable cow.
Just mentioning cos in a bad day, let's say, this at least put a smile on my face. Good for my mood.
Of course it's viable to stop texting her. You are simply choosing not to and. I can only assume its because you are getting some pay off from doing so. Work out what that is and you'll work out how to stop it!
Comments
Honestly, it might seem like it will make things worse but the only way you are going to be able to escape this is by severing all contact. Seriously if you just stop caring about it, she will eventually get the message and get tired of trying to get a rise out of you.
If you try to be nice to someone and they punch you, would you keep going back again and again to get punched again and again?
The OP needs to stop being a glutton for punishment.
I spoke about my sister because bf tells her when they talk on the phone.
I'm not a native speaker either.
One thing I have realised is that sometimes the written words come across different than if you had said it to that person. It all depends in what sort of tone they read the text, and if it is taken in the meaning it was send.
btw... your English is fine, so you shouldn't have any worries on that front
By the sounds of it you and her were texting in a friendly manner about your bf? It sounds like you and her do interact civilly on occasion?
Re your BIB - sorry but it makes you sound a bit er
I don't know why you'd put something as petty as her not replying to your text in the context that you have and present it to your boyfriend as some kind of case against his mother - maybe she was busy, maybe she isn't interested in talking about your sister's depression. Either way, she wasn't outright rude - she just didn't text back. Hardly crime of the century is it.
Maybe there are occasions where she is really awful - but not texting back isn't one of them.
You should take a leaf out of your MILs book - don't slag off someone who your boyf loves unless absolutely necessary. It won't earn you any brownie points nor do your relationship any favours.
Sorry, maybe you're just here to off load, but to me it doesn't seem like you're faultless here...
Would you like a friendship with her? A life long feud? Would you like your bf to disown her? We need to know. Then we can advise although you seem to be ignoring all the advice anyway.
It seems to me that texts are often misunderstood or taken the wrong way and bad feeling and arguments ensue.
If I am still having to answer texts is because when I tried to ignore her, block her etc,it just backfired. Since I am told I don't make an effort to get along and I am not civil, I told myself the last two weeks I would try and put my problems with her to the back of my mind and try to interact with her in a normal-ish way so I can say I did try once again.
I appreciate all advice and sometimes I admit that I just rant and rant, and I apologize; I interpret this section also as a section where you can find people who are willing to listen to issues.
That doesn't mean it has to be like that.
I'd like for her to stop all the things that annoy me. If she were more open with her son about what she thinks of me, she'd make it easier and I wouldn't have to be the only one to take the blame in regard to our strained relationship.
I think I feel so bitter about her also because I feel like I am not part of the family really, if she thinks she needs me to stay away for her sons to spend time together, as though I was a threat.
This is not the first time I get told I need to stay away, but I kept these feelings for me. Haven't moaned about that yet haha
About her not replying to my texts, I do know it's a petty thing in the grand scheme of things... that is just one example and I am sorry but it's one small thing adding up. I do think it's rude, as I was talking about something serious and she goes on about being the one friendly towards me and me not making an effort.
I am not exactly encouraged to be more friendly when she can't be bothered to sort of be there for me (at least listening to me for once).
It doesn't take one minute to send a text saying I need to do something or whatever. Not replying ever is rude. I would have understood if we were arguing, but we weren't. It's not a crime no, but she annoyed me when she told bf to say hi to me, but she can't be bothered to reply to me, so why say that? It sounds fake to me.
I am full of resentment, not denying it. I have my reasons, though.
I talk so much but it's because I don't wanna be judged too quickly.
We lived together for a year and believe me, I listened to her ranting, etc many times; sometimes I was kept up all night; I actively helped her with her debt problems, so she could at least return the favour. That's my view.
I know, I am not even wishing that. I was asked what I'd like in an ideal world, though
The thing is you cant see that you are causing the problems! I dont know how many people you need to tell you NOT TO TEXT HER before you will listen!
Its like me saying "everytime i put my hand in my dogs mouth he bites me, what can i do to stop it?"
Duh?
What does your partner think about all this? Poor sod is piggy in the middle, being pulled between Mum and you.
But of course i know you wont because nobody ever does.
Seeing as you must like this way of carrying on - because if you didn't, you'd just ignore her - what advice are you really looking for?
Tt88 I was doing that, but she kept pestering me. Bf went to read her texts, said I am not being civil (shouting btw and it wasn't nice). So, I didn't even get a chance to explain why I wasn't replying to her texts. Since I don't have anything to hide, I don't normally tend to delete texts etc.
Bf is the problem yeah. I was trying to show him why I don't get on with her but without openly arguing.
I had to unblock her number in the end cos bf doesn't have minutes to call, I do, so he calls her from my phone.
Having said this, I don't initiate any contact, maybe that wasn't clear.
Unfortunately it's not easy. I know I would say "dump him" to someone telling me what I am telling you people on here, but then it's different when you're in the situation - I wouldn't know how to explain... you just can't let go.
I did self-harm twice this year and the first time had nothing to do with problems with his mum, it was a complete different matter.
Bf knows about the first time I did it, as it was pretty difficult to hide. I would never ever tell this to my family or MIL.
God knows he's pleasant to my documentary worthy dis functional lot
It must be awful if he feels he has to always be the peacemaker
She said to say hi- what was wrong with saying hi back- why make it another issue
It's like you can't not make an issue
I disliked strongly my exes parents- I was still polite and let them talk down to me (at 26 they told my bf to "take me to the toilet")
It's the way of the world. Hence all the mother in law jokes
You sound like hard work, and ultimately your attitude could end the relationship
Maybe she isn't open about what she thinks of you because she doesn't want her son to feel like he has to choose between the 2 of you...
Have you considered how hard it must be for him to hear you going on about how awful his mother is?
Lots of other times I said ok, hi. I am not super human so that was the only bloody time I had the courage to sort of speak up.
Bf doesn't act like a peacemaker, sorry no.
Well, it's one thing being civil, another letting them treat you like dirt. They might be the parents but that doesn't give them the right to act like god and do and say whatever they want.
I doubt she cares as when she made us homeless, she told me he'd have to choose between me and them.
If she texts you I would wait a few hours and then respond with 'sorry left my phone at home/work/in my bag' but don't reply to the content of her message.
Leave it longer and longer to reply to her texts and never address the content of them in more than one sentence - one word and a kiss if possible.
You need to wean her off texting you about every little thing - it's turned into a bad habit and you are fuelling it by responding. It's turned into a duel which you both want to win.
Make your responses as boring and non commital as possible until she loses interest - do not share any personal information with her. She's not your friend, save that for people you actively like.
It's very childish in my opinion - you need to try to establish a more adult relationship with her where she is simply your boyfriend's mother and nothing more.
Have a bit of self restraint over what you put in your texts to her and eventually she will go away and both some other mug.
And if you are composing your texts in the manner you are composing your replies here, I am not surprised that you get the brush off from her.
You dismiss everything, no matter what people suggest. Somebody here must have said something of some use to you. Yet you always go on the defensive straight away, and blow them out of the water with another little titbit.
Sorry, if I come across like that
I have been told I need to stop contacting her and I just said that I tried but sadly it doesn't seem viable for me to put this into practice.
I read lots of threads on here and see sometimes the OPs openly insult posters who talk harshly to them.
I don't think I have been rude to anyone on here. I might be a bi*ch to bf's mum, if that's what it looks like, but I pride myself with being quite a polite and kind person.
Actually, I had another thread on here, OT I know, about a little eBay mess with a woman bidding for an item I was selling, then telling me it was a mistake then mysteriously paying for the item etc... well, she left me a positive feedback for the cancelled transaction saying I am a lovely lady for how I beautifully sorted out the mess she clumsily made.
Boasting now yes, and I never do this normally, I always put myself down, but I am not an unreasonable cow.
Just mentioning cos in a bad day, let's say, this at least put a smile on my face. Good for my mood.
And you said it yourself.... you are being a bi*tch to his mother. Stop being a bi*ch to her, treat her like you would be treated, always be polite, calm and friendly when dealing with her. That will take the wind out of her sails. And try to talk to her, rather then text her.
Of course it's viable to stop texting her. You are simply choosing not to and. I can only assume its because you are getting some pay off from doing so. Work out what that is and you'll work out how to stop it!