For Those Who Chose To Have Kids [ for whatever reason ]
Geeza Brake
Posts: 239 Forum Member
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In the strictest confidence of course, are you expecting your children to personally care for you in your infirm years or are you more likely to be shoved off to a Care Home when you show the first signs of being a burden and your usefulness is exhausted ?
You raised your kids, you know the way they work, the way they think, where their priorities lie, what will they do ?
You raised your kids, you know the way they work, the way they think, where their priorities lie, what will they do ?
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About 16/17 years ago My Mum had a accident and from then on had to use a wheelchair from that very second there was no doubt I was going to take care of her I never gave it a first thought let alone a second.
I have disabled brother who up until then she took care of I took over full care of them to.
I will never understand people who wouldn't unless that parent mistreated you as a child
no I dont expect that at all
I did this because I wanted too, not because I felt I had an obligation. It was a great time...we got on so well and the time we had left together....we talked and laughed endlessly.
That time together is precious and it now brings me comfort.
As to my children. I will leave that decision to them. I do not expect anyone to care for me when I become old. Some care homes are lovely - if you get the right one.
I really admire you for that, James. In my position as a child, I wouldn't be able to look after my mother. Apart from the fact that we live in different countries, my mother and I have a very complicated, troubled relationship, and me looking after her wouldn't work. For a few years, we got along well from a distance, but even that's not the case now. We're too different. It's sad, really, but it's the way it is.
It's not as simple as that...
My dad and his siblings lost their own dad a few years ago and when you work full-time & live 45 minutes away and you're being called over almost every week because your dad has fallen out of bed and has to spend 24 hours in hospital or tripped over a chair and has to spend 24 hours in hospital or has a bladder infection and has to spend 24 hours in hospital, you realise how difficult it is. My dad was lucky because he had two siblings around to share the duty of looking after granddad - a 3rd lives in Australia - which meant grandad could stay in his own home until his final days of life but if you're an only child who works and doesn't live just down the road, it must be very hard indeed to constantly be there for your elderly parents.
I don't deny that some children couldn't give a monkeys about their ageing parents though.
What an admirable son and brother you are, not many people would be so selfless.
I agree with Anita's comments about James Frederick's post, except that most people do help look after their own. These discussions always seem to miss out one factor in the equation - love. Easy to say what a burden the disabled or the elderly are, and to give that clarion call of selfishness 'You only get one life' but when faced with their need of you in time of trouble, love steps in and makes you more capable than you ever imagined you could be.JF loves his Mum and his brother; I love my my frail old Mum; just about everyone I know in my age group has a someone who needs help and support and gets it from family members who love them.
Three cheers for those who do.
Therefore, my mum has always said she would not want me to care for her, and likewise I would not want my children to care for me.
What is right for one family is not necessarily right for another.
And I wouldn't have any guilt putting my own mother in a home. If I looked after her. In her eyes it still wouldn't be enough or I wouldn't be doing what she wanted the right way.
We should care for him as a society, even if it means we have to spend more pennies in our taxes.
If your Grandad had been a criminal we would have paid for his care.
I'd completely agree, when there is love the burden doesn't seem so great, however there is not always love and then the burden becomes too much to bear.
I wouldn't expect either my daughter or son to pick up my care when I am old....I have no problem with them popping in but I don't want them having to pop in up to four times a day to help me get dressed/undressed and prepare food. My mum has severe dementia and at the moment her husband cares for her with carers helping on a morning. If the job becomes too much for him she will have to go into a home....I'm not prepared to do it.
I'm not Gay but it sounds fun so put my name down
hehehehee
Absolutely. After many years of working in elderly care I have quite forcefully told my children that if I ever need full time care they MUST help me to find a nice care home. It is in my experience almost never - in fact never - a good experience for a middle aged child to be landed with the full time care of a demented parent. I have seen far too often that exhausted and utterly worn down child who has no life at all of their own because mum or dad cannot safely be left; and nice though it would be if extremely dependent elderly people became sweet and thoughtful, more often than not they become fractious and demanding. I have no patience at all with people who glibly talk about people 'stuffing their parents in a home' as if they were being cruel. My father was one of those who went on caring for his spouse for far too long, becoming increasingly desperate and angry as my mother talked nonsense and peed over the furniture on an hourly basis. She is far, far better off in a nice nursing home, where her cruel family pay £1000 a week out of what would have been our inheritance to have her properly looked after by skilled and caring people.
The NHS should have factored in hers and my contributions to cover old age 'sickness' to be treated the same as any other sickness.
Dementia is categorised as being a condition not sickness because there is no cure and people with Dementia have care needs not health needs.