How would you handle inlaws who don't like you?

[Deleted User] · 21/12/13 - 20:27

My wife's family does not communicate with me. When I try to talk to them I usually get a grunt, a bored look, or at best a one word answer to my comments. Where as I rarely see my family my wife talks on the phone or see's them every day so they are very close.

Family events are painful, I can just feel the tension in the air. They really do not like me but are to polite and formal to actually say it verbally. (I have tried to be nice, but it does not work). I do not think talking to them about it would work. I have talked about it to my wife who says I am imagining it or that I should make more of an effort

I am looking for feedback from people who do not get along with their in-laws. How do you handle the situation?

Joel's dad · 21/12/13 - 20:29

Just keep making an effort. Or alienate her from her family :P

[Deleted User] · 21/12/13 - 20:33

Joel's dad wrote: »

Just keep making an effort. Or alienate her from her family :P

Did I mention we have been seeing each other about 12 years now, how much effort needs to be made?

Bus Stop2012 · 21/12/13 - 20:34

Do you have any idea why they wouldn't like you, and has it always been this way? Sounds very uncomfortable for you.

[Deleted User] · 21/12/13 - 20:43

Bus Stop2012 wrote: »

Do you have any idea why they wouldn't like you, and has it always been this way? Sounds very uncomfortable for you.

Its been this way from day 1. You know that awkward moment when you first meet your other half's parents? Well its always been like that.

But its not just with her parents its her siblings aswell. We're all working class folk so its not a class thing. I'm from the city, she is from the country so it could be that, I don't really have a clue to be honest.

She has no sisters but 4 brothers, and their spouses are all accepted and get on with the family, the only thing it could be is religion, I am of a different religion and country folk (some) can be a little small minded.

jasvinyl · 21/12/13 - 20:49

The trick is not to care. If you can't change their attitude towards you - and it sounds like after all this time that you can't - then change your attitude towards them; continue to be nice, but shrug off their indifference. Difficult perhaps, but if you are to maintain a civil relationship its maybe a way to deal.

.

Judge Mental · 21/12/13 - 20:51

Have you asked your partner what the problem is and what you can do to improve matters. Although you say it won't help talking to them about it perhaps she could have a quiet word and explain you don't feel accepted but would very much like to have a warmer relationship with them.

At the end of the day you don't have to like them and they don't have to like you but it really does help if you can find a way to get along particularly for your partner's benefit as it must feel very awkward for her that you have such a difficult time when she wants to spend time with her family.

el1aine · 21/12/13 - 20:55

well your wife is always going to be on the side of her family, you have to accept that. There is probably no reason that they treat you in this way, except perhaps that no one would be good enough for their daughter, other than that it is just the way they are and nothing will change them. I would advise trying not to spend too much time with them, but I realise there will be certain times when you will have to bite the bullet. Be polite, so they can never say it was your fault. If they ignore you, ignore them. I am a great believer in "mirroring", do just what they do. Then, they can't complain because if it is wrong for you, it is wrong for them also.

turquoiseblue · 21/12/13 - 21:04

Your wife needs to wake up. She should be on your side and not shrug off the problem this is for you. Talk to her and make her listen. Between you make a plan as to how you can get through this as it will affect you for a very long time. If it were me I would want my wife to stick up for me and say something when her parents grunt at you. This situation is not acceptable at all IMHO and needs dealing with. You are her family now and should come first.

4smiffy · 21/12/13 - 21:21

Your wife seems to be putting her lot first, before you. That's wrong and is making things worse for you. She's off every day, apparently, playing happy families with her lot, yet they can't even be civil to you, yet she tells you to make more effort. No wonder you're not happy. I can't stand my MIL for many reasons, but I do see her but on my terms. My OH can see clearly the situation and supports me. We both do our duty, but nothing more. I reckon you and your wife need to have a really honest talk asap.

Bus Stop2012 · 21/12/13 - 21:23

turquoiseblue wrote: »

Your wife needs to wake up. She should be on your side and not shrug off the problem this is for you. Talk to her and make her listen. Between you make a plan as to how you can get through this as it will affect you for a very long time. If it were me I would want my wife to stick up for me and say something when her parents grunt at you. This situation is not acceptable at all IMHO and needs dealing with. You are her family now and should come first.

I sort of agree with this post. However, and its a big however; it seems to be too large a family for all of them to think exactly alike. Especially when you add all the daughters-in-law to the mix.
So could it be that you're reading them wrong? I mean, do the brothers communicate in short words and grunts anyhow? Could it be perhaps that as the only son-in-law (the only daughter's partner), that the dynamic is just slightly different?

ETA. Not trying to imply that you're 'in the wrong' here, or mistaking matters if its not the case. Just trying to gauge whether your wife should indeed be supporting you more.

[Deleted User] · 21/12/13 - 21:55

My husband and my family do like each other but my husband find communicating with them difficult because I come from a quiet family and he comes from a very loud family. He has had to adjust to this as he is used to constant conversation flowing whereas with my family there is often a bit of conversation and then some silence. On the contrast I have found his family very full on at times and I always leave them feeling mentally exhausted and overwhelmed.

What does your wife say about this? Do you think they are just a quiet family?

nobodyhere · 21/12/13 - 22:19

Its one thing when you try to be civil, pleasant, accomodating.. you ignore any grievances just for the sake of the other person because its their family and most cases you only have one

When they are being horrible and just frankly taking the piss constantly thats something else, I don't have much tollerance for it because frankly nobody is perfect but thats not a liceanse to be a complete arse

Sargeant80 · 21/12/13 - 23:04

To be honest I just limit contact.

I find spending a couple of hours with them. a few times a year is ok. More than that and things start getting tense.

molliepops · 21/12/13 - 23:12

My MIL was awful when I met and married her son, it was a few years later I just sat down one day and decided to sort it out or stop contact, I just said we both love him and we have to make this work because we are making him unhappy. Instant change and I can honestly say she became my best friend and I really miss her since she died a few years ago. So try and talk about it would be my suggestion.

Mumof3 · 22/12/13 - 02:19

OP, for me, it's been 25 years now, and it's unlikely to change. Just accept it. My husband and I have an unspoken agreement that we'll never stay longer than 24 hrs in our respective parents' houses.

1fab · 22/12/13 - 04:10

It's difficult, especially when you look around and see those happy families where people are welcomed into their partners' families. I think avoidance is one solution, but it's not really satisfactory. I know what it's like to have a partner who says you're imagining it, too. That makes it even worse. Looking back, I think the only real solution is to rise above it, don't sink to their level - you must be the better person, and show them what proper decent behaviour is.

Pumping Iron · 22/12/13 - 04:15

I'd ask them outright, 'why don't you like me? Ever since we have first met, I have felt tension from you. I've tried my hardest with you. I love your daughter very much and make her happy, but can't understand what your problem is with me. Would you prefer it if I didn't come round in future?' See what their reaction is after that.

Rose Budd · 22/12/13 - 06:03

molliepops wrote: »

My MIL was awful when I met and married her son, it was a few years later I just sat down one day and decided to sort it out or stop contact, I just said we both love him and we have to make this work because we are making him unhappy. Instant change and I can honestly say she became my best friend and I really miss her since she died a few years ago. So try and talk about it would be my suggestion.

I had similar with my MIL, she used to call me by my husband's exes name and then smirk and say sorry. I really dreaded going round there. It all came to a head when my mum died and I fell to bits, she looked after me and told me 'You will always have me' We got along really well until she died in 2002. I still miss her.

[Deleted User] · 03/01/14 - 02:04

I've found this thread really useful. My in laws hate me to the point where they left death threat voicemails on my phone! It's absolutely horrific and very hard to deal with but my other half is worth it. It's ruined his relationship with them which is really sad. Good up read everyone's stories and handy hints

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How would you handle inlaws who don't like you?

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