Cancer
Smithy1204
Posts: 4,352 Forum Member
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(If this is too long to read, the last paragraph has the questions in my head at the moment).
My mum was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer in March 2010. She's had chemotherapy, radiotherapy and Cyberknife, and then chemotherapy again. But just under 2 weeks ago they said the chemotherapy isn't working, they think the cancer's just suddenly taken a hold really rapidly, and their prognosis is about a couple of months if the new chemotherapy doesn't work (they didn't think she should have this, but she's going to try it).
I'm coping ok on the whole, sad and angry sometimes and I cried quite a lot at first (and I've been seeing a counsellor for about a year). But at the moment I just feel completely drained. Nothing bad has happened in particular, it's just the constant stress and sadness, and I just feel so drained. I'm trying to look after my mum as much as I can, because she's obviously very sad and upset at the moment and I just want to help her (hence I'm coping ok on the whole, I tend to put on a very positive act usually).
It's just it hurts so much, I'm so exhausted and sad. I can't forget it, even at kickboxing, it's there constantly, so I just give up on everything and then get more frustrated. It just physically hurts at the moment. I'm so sad at the thought that I'll never be able to come home and talk to my mum again. That my mum will never see me get married or have children. The thought of Christmases, birthdays, Mothers' Days, just normal days of being at home. I know it hasn't even happened yet, so worrying about it doesn't help. But it just hurts so much.
But how do you get through the bad days? Does it get easier? Does that physical pain every fully go away, even if just for a little while? Is it ok to feel that physical hurt even before it's actually happened? I still feel bad for even talking about it too much to my friends (although my best friends have been great) because I feel like I'm 'bringing them down'. But I need so badly to just talk about it sometimes. To make it feel real.
My mum was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer in March 2010. She's had chemotherapy, radiotherapy and Cyberknife, and then chemotherapy again. But just under 2 weeks ago they said the chemotherapy isn't working, they think the cancer's just suddenly taken a hold really rapidly, and their prognosis is about a couple of months if the new chemotherapy doesn't work (they didn't think she should have this, but she's going to try it).
I'm coping ok on the whole, sad and angry sometimes and I cried quite a lot at first (and I've been seeing a counsellor for about a year). But at the moment I just feel completely drained. Nothing bad has happened in particular, it's just the constant stress and sadness, and I just feel so drained. I'm trying to look after my mum as much as I can, because she's obviously very sad and upset at the moment and I just want to help her (hence I'm coping ok on the whole, I tend to put on a very positive act usually).
It's just it hurts so much, I'm so exhausted and sad. I can't forget it, even at kickboxing, it's there constantly, so I just give up on everything and then get more frustrated. It just physically hurts at the moment. I'm so sad at the thought that I'll never be able to come home and talk to my mum again. That my mum will never see me get married or have children. The thought of Christmases, birthdays, Mothers' Days, just normal days of being at home. I know it hasn't even happened yet, so worrying about it doesn't help. But it just hurts so much.
But how do you get through the bad days? Does it get easier? Does that physical pain every fully go away, even if just for a little while? Is it ok to feel that physical hurt even before it's actually happened? I still feel bad for even talking about it too much to my friends (although my best friends have been great) because I feel like I'm 'bringing them down'. But I need so badly to just talk about it sometimes. To make it feel real.
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And it's ok to feel pain, it means she means something to you. Feckin best of luck; life sucks sometimes.
I went through the same thing with my dad, I was greiving before he even passed away. I know it sound starnge but thats what it was.
On the bad days I just went through everything like a robot and then they would a be times when me and my dad would just sit and talked about the past and we would laugh and it felt precious in a bitter sweet kind of way.
But it does get easier after time but it take time also the hurt will never go truly go away but you will find you dont hurt everyday as you do now.
I've been through it twice. My dad lived for 3 months after diagnosis, the worst 3 months of my life probably. My brother lived 9 months after all treatment failed, only 50 years old with a young child.
I don't believe it gets any easier but you have to be strong for your mum.
My dad died nearly 20 years ago and it still hurts.:(
Sorry i'm not much help.
Just be there for your mum, that's all to can do. I know it hurts but you have to be strong.
http://www.macmillan.org.uk
As others have said, bereavement starts before death with terminal illness and my heart goes out to you.
There's also an online community here http://cancerchat.cancerresearchuk.org
It is the hardest thing in the world to see someone you love suffer. As time goes on, the intensity of the pain does ease, and you'll be able to enjoy the happy memories as you go forward into your future. Your mum never really leaves you: she's part of you.
Look after yourself (hugs).
Do you have a partner? siblings? Is your Dad aroud? other relatives?
It is all well and good for a bunch of strangers to express our sympathies but I want to offer some practical advice for you.
Do you live with your Mum? Are you her primary carer? If so then you must ask for some help. It is a common misconception that going into a hospice is the "end" - your Mum could maybe go for some respite care? Or have a nurse come out to her so you can have a few hours off. Your health (mentally and physcially) is just as important as your Mums - you will need you strength at this awful time
Thinking about the future without your Mum is natural and when she is gone those first Birthday's / Christmasses will be crushing but people do get through it and people do come out the other side. I am sorry that all I can offer is platitudes and cliches
You say you have been seeing a counsellor - is there any way you can have some extra time with this counsellor or see a counsellor specially trained in what you are currently going through?
I feel so sad for you and I also see that you are being incredibly brave and strong for your Mother - I am sure she is very, very proud of you.
She may not live to see the landmark moments in your life but she will always be there!
Enjoy the time you do have with her OP but do not be ashamed if you need a break.
I send you a huge virtual hug!
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Living at home are my mum, my dad, my brother and me, so we have lots of support in that sense (and lots of other close family), it's just we're all (well, my dad, my brother and me) a bit rubbish at expressing ourselves sometimes!
My mum has two Macmillan nurses but the hospice tend to be the people who are most involved. My mum actually stayed in the hospice for five days at the beginning of this month, while they were adjusting her medications, and they were very helpful - they're in contact with my mum a lot, they offer a lot of practical support, and the counsellor I'm seeing is from the hospice.
I think part of the problem is that I 'shut down' at counselling a bit. Until the last few weeks I wouldn't talk there about ways to prepare or ways to cope afterwards, he's mentioned memory boxes, places to go and think, all sorts of helpful things but I wouldn't talk about it because I felt like it was 'giving up' and saying it was going to happen. Which is stupid really. And now I'm starting to face up to the fact that it is going to happen and that preparing is important, even just to make things slightly more bearable afterwards. But I guess maybe that in itself is something I could talk to the counsellor about.
I've just found the online community at Macmillan too, so had a read of that last night and this morning. It's helpful just to hear other people saying the things we feel too I think, to know it's 'normal'.
Thank-you again for all the replies - I'm doing my best to be ok and to be positive for my mum, but sometimes it just gets too much and it helps to get it out, and nights always seem to be the saddest times!
You do, because there's no other option.
I know it probably sounds wrong, and you might feel a bit guilty about, but you may well feel relieved when it's finally over.
I know I did.
At the moment, you are in a sort of limbo state.
You know what is going to happen, but you don't know exactly when, and you don't know exactly how, it will happen, and that's one of the scariest parts of it.
However, be assured that everything possible will be done, to help both yourself and your mother through this.
Most importantly, don't try to do it alone.
Accept the support of your family and friends, and talk to the doctors and nurses, because the best antidote to fear is knowledge.