Fan Fiction / cartoon, advice wanted.
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I am planning to create a cartoon (pencil and paper, no computers) adventure for the 11th Doctor, and have come up with the following 'rough' story for it. I should add that my strength is in art, not writing, so any advice for improving the story would be welcome, before I get too involved with the artwork 
This will be my first attempt at a full story, but I am hopeful it will work out well.
The adventure is to be called 'The Best Day', and this is the draft synopsis:
Staring - The Doctor 'Matt Smith', Cpt Jack 'John Barrowman', Wilfred Mott 'Bernard Cribbins'. Jenny 'Georgia Moffat', The Inspector 'Patrick Stewart', The Assistant 'Natalie Dormer'.
Scene1 - The Doctor and jack arrive on Earth, and find Wilfred Mott celebrating his 85th birthday alone. After winning the lottery Donna, her mother and husband have moved to the US. The Doctor offers Wilf a trip in the Tardis as a birthday present, any destination in time or space of his choosing.
Scene 2 - The Tardis lands on the planet Billy63 in the far future, a vacation world. It quickly becomes apparent that all is not right, as the world appears to be totally devoid of people. 12 billion people are missing, with only a metallic taste hanging in the air as a clue to what happened.
Scene 3 - The Doctor surmises that the worlds population have been teleported away, but is unsure of the reason for it. Suddenly laser fire strikes the ground around the trio of time travelers and they run for cover. As Jack and Wilf find shelter in a nearby shop, the Doctor is knocked to the floor by a massive blast, opening up a huge crack in the ground. A second blast knocks the Doctor into the crack, with him barely holding on to the edge with one hand.
Scene 4 - The Doctor is fighting a losing battle to keep hold of the edge of the crack, when a female arm grabs him and pulls him to safety. As the Doctor dusts himself down, he looks up to thank his rescuer, only to find himself looking into the face of his daughter, Jenny. The Doctor manages to stutter, 'but you died!', which Jenny acknowledges and then asks 'Who are you, how do you know about me?'. Jack and Wilf then arrive, with Wilf asking 'Doctor are you alright?'. Jenny realizing that it's her Dad that she just saved, hugs the Doctor.
Scene 5 - Jenny explains that she survived her death, and has spent the last 5 years looking for the Doctor by visiting all the trouble spots she could find. She asks about Donna, saying that she considers her to be the closest thing to a mother that she has, and is greatly upset when Donna's fate is explained to her.
Scene 6 - A man and a woman arrive, explaining that they have driven off the attackers, describing them as Silents. The man introduces himself as the Inspector, and the woman calls herself the Assistant. They claim to be working for the Shadow Proclamation, investigating the disappearance of the planets inhabitants. The Inspector shows his ID to the Doctor, a blank psychic paper, but the Doctor doesn't seem to realize that is false. The Doctor then begins to introduce himself to them, only to be cut short when the Inspector announces, 'Yes, we know all about you Timelord, we have read your file.'
Scene 7 - The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to scan the air, stating that he thinks the people were teleported away. The Inspector pulls out his Ultra Sonic Screwdriver, and says the Doctor was only partly correct as clearly the people were pulled out of time as well as space. The Inspector smiles smugly, having bettered the Doctor. The Assistant then uses her sonic screwdriver to determine that there is an energy source about a mile to the west, and that it is building up in power very quickly.
Scene 8 - The party make their way to the power source at a quick pace, but Wilf is lagging behind getting out of breath. The Assistant jokingly says to him, 'come on Gramps, do try and keep up!'. Wilf is not amused, and loses his cool, severely admonishing the Assistant. The Assistant looks really upset, but the Inspector comforts her, saying 'he doesn't understand, he misses his Donna'.
Scene 9 - Upon reaching the power source, the group realise that it was a decoy, designed to pull them off track. Suddenly Jacks vortex manipulator beeps, he has detected two temporal disturbances. The Doctor scratches his head, trying to figure out what is going on, when the Inspector announces 'Of course, the Silents are trying to feed off the potential temporal energy of the people, just like the Angels.' 'We have to stop them, this could tear this entire world apart'.
Scene 10 - Realising that with only minutes to stop catastrophe they will have to split into teams, The Doctor tells Jack to accompany the Inspector and Assistant, warning him that they know too much and can't be trusted. Both groups head off for the respective temporal disturbances.
Scene 11 - The Doctor, Jenny and Wilf arrive at the first disturbance, discovering a temporal bomb. As the Doctor tries to defuse the bomb, they are attacked by Silents. Wilf and Jenny manage to hold off the Silents, tricking them into electrocuting each other. Just as the Doctor disables the bomb, the ground shakes and a massive beam of energy erupts to the sky, coming from the location of the second temporal disturbance. The trio start running towards it.
Scene 12 - As Jack, the Inspector and the Assistant arrive at the temporal disturbance, they find another time bomb. This one however is protected by a nullifying anti matter field, which will kill anyone who enters it within less than a minute. No one could survive it. Jack then says he will go in, being immortal, but the Inspector stops him and says 'Jack, you're a fixed point in space and time, if you go in there the causal nexus will implode, wiping out this entire galactic region with the force of 1000 supernovas.' The Assistant scans the device, and confirms what the Inspector said. The Assistant notes that they will have to find another way to disable it.
Scene 13 - As the Assistant continues to scan the device, the Inspector walks up behind her, gently putting his hand on her neck which renders her unconscious. He turns to Jack and explains that it has to be him that goes into to force field, he then asks that Jack looks after his friend as she is all that is left of him. He then enters the force field and begins to deactivate the bomb, redirecting its harmful energy into space.
Scene 14 - The Assistant wakes up just in time to see the Inspector succeed, and promptly collapse from the energy release. Jack and the Assistant pull the dying Inspector from the site of the time bomb, propping him against a nearby wall. The following conversation ensues:
Jack: 'He did the right thing, he saved us all'
Assistant: 'YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!' <hysterical>
Assistant: 'You didn't have to do that, we would have found another way' <distraught>
Inspector: 'It's how it happened before'
Assistant: 'Please don't die, I don't want to lose you'
Inspector: 'I'm Sorry'
Assistant: 'Please.. you can regenerate, one more time eh'
Jack: 'What?'
Inspector: 'Not this time'
Assistant: 'DOCTOR!' <lays her head on the dying Doctors chest, sobbing>
Jack: 'Oh no, no' <weeps, realizing that the Inspector is actually the Doctor>
Inspector / Doctor: 'Its okay, really it is, I have had so many lives now, far far more than any other Timelord'
Inspector / Doctor: 'I was right you know, you and I really did have the best of times, Donna Noble, the most human of the Timelords and my friend. Thankyou' <The Doctor dies>
Scene 15 - The 11th Doctor, Wilf and Jenny arrive, finding the Inspector(final Doctor) dead and Jack and the Assistant (future regeneration of Donna Noble) crying. Jack explains what happened, without revealing the Doctor and Donnas identities, and tells the Doctor 'You were wrong about him, he was a good man'. The Doctor asks the Assistant if there is anything he can do for her, she replies 'No'. The Doctor asks what she will do, to which she replies she will take him home. Jack tells the Doctor that he promised to look after her, and that he is going to stay with her. In the distance the missing people begin to materialize, the effects of the time bomb cancelled out.
Scene 16 - The Doctor, Jenny and Wilf start to walk back to the Tardis. A split view shows Jack carrying the Doctors body back to his Tardis, with Donna walking at his side. As they walk the following conversation between Jenny and the 11th Doctor occurs:
Doctor: 'I feel so guilty'
Jenny: 'But you helped save billions of lives today'
Doctor: 'I know, but I feel guilty because despite everything that has happened, I feel so happy, so very happy, because today is the best day of my life, the day I got my daughter back!' <the future Doctors Tardis doors close> <The End>
This will be my first attempt at a full story, but I am hopeful it will work out well.The adventure is to be called 'The Best Day', and this is the draft synopsis:
Staring - The Doctor 'Matt Smith', Cpt Jack 'John Barrowman', Wilfred Mott 'Bernard Cribbins'. Jenny 'Georgia Moffat', The Inspector 'Patrick Stewart', The Assistant 'Natalie Dormer'.
Scene1 - The Doctor and jack arrive on Earth, and find Wilfred Mott celebrating his 85th birthday alone. After winning the lottery Donna, her mother and husband have moved to the US. The Doctor offers Wilf a trip in the Tardis as a birthday present, any destination in time or space of his choosing.
Scene 2 - The Tardis lands on the planet Billy63 in the far future, a vacation world. It quickly becomes apparent that all is not right, as the world appears to be totally devoid of people. 12 billion people are missing, with only a metallic taste hanging in the air as a clue to what happened.
Scene 3 - The Doctor surmises that the worlds population have been teleported away, but is unsure of the reason for it. Suddenly laser fire strikes the ground around the trio of time travelers and they run for cover. As Jack and Wilf find shelter in a nearby shop, the Doctor is knocked to the floor by a massive blast, opening up a huge crack in the ground. A second blast knocks the Doctor into the crack, with him barely holding on to the edge with one hand.
Scene 4 - The Doctor is fighting a losing battle to keep hold of the edge of the crack, when a female arm grabs him and pulls him to safety. As the Doctor dusts himself down, he looks up to thank his rescuer, only to find himself looking into the face of his daughter, Jenny. The Doctor manages to stutter, 'but you died!', which Jenny acknowledges and then asks 'Who are you, how do you know about me?'. Jack and Wilf then arrive, with Wilf asking 'Doctor are you alright?'. Jenny realizing that it's her Dad that she just saved, hugs the Doctor.
Scene 5 - Jenny explains that she survived her death, and has spent the last 5 years looking for the Doctor by visiting all the trouble spots she could find. She asks about Donna, saying that she considers her to be the closest thing to a mother that she has, and is greatly upset when Donna's fate is explained to her.
Scene 6 - A man and a woman arrive, explaining that they have driven off the attackers, describing them as Silents. The man introduces himself as the Inspector, and the woman calls herself the Assistant. They claim to be working for the Shadow Proclamation, investigating the disappearance of the planets inhabitants. The Inspector shows his ID to the Doctor, a blank psychic paper, but the Doctor doesn't seem to realize that is false. The Doctor then begins to introduce himself to them, only to be cut short when the Inspector announces, 'Yes, we know all about you Timelord, we have read your file.'
Scene 7 - The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to scan the air, stating that he thinks the people were teleported away. The Inspector pulls out his Ultra Sonic Screwdriver, and says the Doctor was only partly correct as clearly the people were pulled out of time as well as space. The Inspector smiles smugly, having bettered the Doctor. The Assistant then uses her sonic screwdriver to determine that there is an energy source about a mile to the west, and that it is building up in power very quickly.
Scene 8 - The party make their way to the power source at a quick pace, but Wilf is lagging behind getting out of breath. The Assistant jokingly says to him, 'come on Gramps, do try and keep up!'. Wilf is not amused, and loses his cool, severely admonishing the Assistant. The Assistant looks really upset, but the Inspector comforts her, saying 'he doesn't understand, he misses his Donna'.
Scene 9 - Upon reaching the power source, the group realise that it was a decoy, designed to pull them off track. Suddenly Jacks vortex manipulator beeps, he has detected two temporal disturbances. The Doctor scratches his head, trying to figure out what is going on, when the Inspector announces 'Of course, the Silents are trying to feed off the potential temporal energy of the people, just like the Angels.' 'We have to stop them, this could tear this entire world apart'.
Scene 10 - Realising that with only minutes to stop catastrophe they will have to split into teams, The Doctor tells Jack to accompany the Inspector and Assistant, warning him that they know too much and can't be trusted. Both groups head off for the respective temporal disturbances.
Scene 11 - The Doctor, Jenny and Wilf arrive at the first disturbance, discovering a temporal bomb. As the Doctor tries to defuse the bomb, they are attacked by Silents. Wilf and Jenny manage to hold off the Silents, tricking them into electrocuting each other. Just as the Doctor disables the bomb, the ground shakes and a massive beam of energy erupts to the sky, coming from the location of the second temporal disturbance. The trio start running towards it.
Scene 12 - As Jack, the Inspector and the Assistant arrive at the temporal disturbance, they find another time bomb. This one however is protected by a nullifying anti matter field, which will kill anyone who enters it within less than a minute. No one could survive it. Jack then says he will go in, being immortal, but the Inspector stops him and says 'Jack, you're a fixed point in space and time, if you go in there the causal nexus will implode, wiping out this entire galactic region with the force of 1000 supernovas.' The Assistant scans the device, and confirms what the Inspector said. The Assistant notes that they will have to find another way to disable it.
Scene 13 - As the Assistant continues to scan the device, the Inspector walks up behind her, gently putting his hand on her neck which renders her unconscious. He turns to Jack and explains that it has to be him that goes into to force field, he then asks that Jack looks after his friend as she is all that is left of him. He then enters the force field and begins to deactivate the bomb, redirecting its harmful energy into space.
Scene 14 - The Assistant wakes up just in time to see the Inspector succeed, and promptly collapse from the energy release. Jack and the Assistant pull the dying Inspector from the site of the time bomb, propping him against a nearby wall. The following conversation ensues:
Jack: 'He did the right thing, he saved us all'
Assistant: 'YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!' <hysterical>
Assistant: 'You didn't have to do that, we would have found another way' <distraught>
Inspector: 'It's how it happened before'
Assistant: 'Please don't die, I don't want to lose you'
Inspector: 'I'm Sorry'
Assistant: 'Please.. you can regenerate, one more time eh'
Jack: 'What?'
Inspector: 'Not this time'
Assistant: 'DOCTOR!' <lays her head on the dying Doctors chest, sobbing>
Jack: 'Oh no, no' <weeps, realizing that the Inspector is actually the Doctor>
Inspector / Doctor: 'Its okay, really it is, I have had so many lives now, far far more than any other Timelord'
Inspector / Doctor: 'I was right you know, you and I really did have the best of times, Donna Noble, the most human of the Timelords and my friend. Thankyou' <The Doctor dies>
Scene 15 - The 11th Doctor, Wilf and Jenny arrive, finding the Inspector(final Doctor) dead and Jack and the Assistant (future regeneration of Donna Noble) crying. Jack explains what happened, without revealing the Doctor and Donnas identities, and tells the Doctor 'You were wrong about him, he was a good man'. The Doctor asks the Assistant if there is anything he can do for her, she replies 'No'. The Doctor asks what she will do, to which she replies she will take him home. Jack tells the Doctor that he promised to look after her, and that he is going to stay with her. In the distance the missing people begin to materialize, the effects of the time bomb cancelled out.
Scene 16 - The Doctor, Jenny and Wilf start to walk back to the Tardis. A split view shows Jack carrying the Doctors body back to his Tardis, with Donna walking at his side. As they walk the following conversation between Jenny and the 11th Doctor occurs:
Doctor: 'I feel so guilty'
Jenny: 'But you helped save billions of lives today'
Doctor: 'I know, but I feel guilty because despite everything that has happened, I feel so happy, so very happy, because today is the best day of my life, the day I got my daughter back!' <the future Doctors Tardis doors close> <The End>
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Comments
I’ve only written a couple of scripts inspired by The Writer’s Tale and the Big Finish writing competition a few years back, but here’s a few ideas.
S1 Great opportunity to highlight and compare the loneliness of both Wilf and The Doctor.
S4 The Doctor and Jenny are meeting too soon for me. Can you get some ‘will they ? won’t they ?’ going. Can you have The Inspector rescue The Doc ?. And Jenny spots them from afar ?
When they do meet, The Doctor always has a go at Jack for playing the field and now The Doc has a daughter ???...it’s payback time ! Opportunity for a number of one-liners from Jack and the exposition of Jenny’s origins for new readers could be done between Jack and an exasperated Doc on the ropes from Jack’s uppercutting punchlines.
S5 Have The Doctor tell a white lie about Donna’s fate to protect Jenny. 101 ways you can make that rebound on him later and use her reaction.
S6 Great scene. ‘Technically’ The Inspector wouldn’t remember what The Silents look like unless he was using an i-drive eye patch.
S8 Make The Assistant’s reaction more subtle, as it is, the upset gave it away for me, Alternatively, get her defensive and sparring.
Can’t improve on anything after that. Great storyline. Great Doctor Who, and great casting by the way.