It could not have been more obvious that Liz wrote the Nic texts, if indeed they ever existed. And I kind of hope David did do a runner on Boxing Day. He deserves someone who accepts him as he is. Whatever that is.
Oh dear, where to start ...? That 'txt exchange' between Nic-Nic* and The Baker was surely one of the Lizard's flights of fancy? Does she, and the MoS, really take us for utter fools? The Dreary is on its last gasp ... everyone can see that and if her other whinge elsewhere about booze is to be believed (?) The Baker has buggered off anyway, so unless there's going to be more drivel about Her Anguish:, Why Does It All Happen To Me; I've Lost Lizzie And My Mum; The Baker Bought Me The Wrong Ring And The Wrong Shoes; The Baker Hasn't Put A Light Bulb In The Bathroom Yet; We Make Up; We Break Up (Again); I Loved Him For Sixty Years But He Went Off And Took My Table Tennis Bat; I Want My Table Tennis Bat Back It Was A Prada Table Tennis Bat ... etc. etc. e-bloody-cetera.
*Wasn't 'Nic-Nic' the small person who buttled for Salamanger in that great James Bond film 'The Man With The Golden Gun'?
I'd say the Baker's probably back by now, but I'd love it if he'd left to be honest. She was desperate for him to propose but, you know, being married to a person means being married to them, warts and limited income and all. If she wants someone who can keep her in Louboutins, the Baker is not the one. If she doesn't want a man who can't afford suitable blood diamonds and who is a bit crap at putting lights in the bathroom, then she should let that man go to find someone who is actually right for him.
It could not have been more obvious that Liz wrote the Nic texts, if indeed they ever existed. And I kind of hope David did do a runner on Boxing Day. He deserves someone who accepts him as he is. Whatever that is.
I don't think it's David she's referring to, since the Diary has a 3-week (or more) lead time. It must have been some other fiance.
Of the 22 bottles, over a two week period for three people, that averages out at about half a bottle a day. Hardly the mark of a raging, or even incipient, alcoholic. As for the other instances or excessive imbibing, I'm something of an unwilling scholar of her past 'work', and I don't recall the "I only got married because I was drunk" bit before. Mind, it would explain a lot of her more blatantly unhinged witterings of recent vintage.
The booze farticle is particularly pointed really. One, she gets a go at her sister the alcoholic. Two, she gets to mope about how her fiance left her due to her hungover bad mood - and so far as we know she's only been engaged twice, once to Nirps and once to the Baker, because as we know she was a virgin till she was 30 yadda low self-esteem yadda no boys liked her yadda had to propose to Nirpal herself yadda. And Nirpal didn't leave never to return on Boxing Day because she actually married him. So.
And three, she gets to refer to the Millennium Eve Stander Up - Kevin, is it?- as the Love of Her Life all of a sudden, which can only be aimed at the Baker. He who was the Love of Her Life on their first and second dates, then shunted aside for a deceased horse, and now shunted further in favour of someone who, if I am remembering right, used to be referred to as only half a boyfriend.
Obviously being the 'Love of Liz's life' is a tag-team sport. Davy Jones of the Monkees, David Cassidy, Kevin the Bin Laden lookalike, the ficticious rock star whose poster she had on her wall as a teenager, David '30 years ago' Scrace, (edit, surely it must be at least 32 years ago now), the married vet who dared to refuse her advances, the South American married man with teeny children, the random bloke at the petrol station, her saucy old gardener who got ideas above his station and winked at her (I think that's what she wrote) various cockney cabbies who all spoke like Dick Van Dyke, the rock star again and finally David Scrace again, oh, and that strange little 'rapper' in CBB who was handcuffed to her. Lets be honest, Liz would have got engaged to anyone of them if it kept The Dreary going.
To be fair, those clothes are heinous. They look bad on the models.
In a way I find Liz's fashion shoots endearing as I get the impression she wants to show what the clothes look like on non-models, and she deliberately lets herself look bad. But it sits badly with the whole 'I only wear Louboutins and would rather eat humanely culled grass than place a less than designer diamond upon my finger" thing. Half the time she seems to be sending herself up. The rest of the time she seems incapable of real humour or self-awareness.
To be fair, those clothes are heinous. They look bad on the models.
In a way I find Liz's fashion shoots endearing as I get the impression she wants to show what the clothes look like on non-models, and she deliberately lets herself look bad. But it sits badly with the whole 'I only wear Louboutins and would rather eat humanely culled grass than place a less than designer diamond upon my finger" thing. Half the time she seems to be sending herself up. The rest of the time she seems incapable of real humour or self-awareness.
Bloody hell SuzyCat! Really? For starters, her salary is paid from revenue gleaned from advertisers. If they release a season of clothes, employing either a) real models or b) respected celebs to promote them, the last thing they need is Jonesey parading like a mad geriatric who has stumbled acrosss the dressing-up box (viz the M&S debacle which lost her her job). Next up, we have the constant "I'm so hideous, I'm so dysmorphic, oh woe is me" claptrap and at the same time we have page after page of her botoxed, airbrushed, photoshopped carcass as she sticks on her trademark rictus and tries to look beguiling. She may be a lot of things, but she sure isn't anorexic! She has a generously proportioned figure and is quite tall... she isn't skinny in any way shape or form. She thinks she has a sense of humour... but doesn't. She has two jokes that she often repeats (the yeast infection/Oxford sidesplitter pops up about once every couple of months). She get's stuck into anyone who is younger/cleverer/more successful than she is (as long as they are female). Her best years are at least a decade behind her... and they weren't that good. The current vogue of revealing the 'love of her life' (currently at least a dozen contenders) as well as the hilarious slagging of the baker week after week is shoddy, lazy and unbelievable. It's time for her to pack up and piss off.
Looks like Wagfree has hit the buffers. No wonder Dscrase popped the question!
They're denying it on the WAGfree page on FB:
Sorry, can I just clarity. It is Vozars @WAGfree that has closed.
WAGfree food and the Bakery are in fine fettle and ever increasing distribution throughout London.
Is that actually true though? And if so, it makes little sense as she doesn't get to publish these things without editorial approval. The editor approved it. Had to have.
So, if she lost her job over it there should have been a fairly significant golden handshake, because if Senor D called her into the office and said "look Liz, sorry about this but advertisers are pulling money because of that spread we did, I've got no option but to let you go" then he HAD to pay her off.
Imagine if you came up with an idea at work, as per your job description, your boss said 'yes that's great, we will do it', you did it, and it was crappy and they fired you. You'd have grounds for unfair dismissal. People in jobs where that CAN happen - like CEOs and CFOs for instance - have LARGE parachutes made of money built into their contracts.
You are absolutely right. .. they would have paid her off... but I imagine she's on a fairly standard contract so three months money maybe? She's far from skint anyway!
"Far from skint"? What CAN you mean CollieComber? She only has ONE dress! Which she thriftily dyed black. Of course she could have bought the entire M&S spread for the cost of getting that single "VB" dyed but it's the PRINCIPLE of the thing since Liz DOES NOT WEAR things that are not designer. She would RATHER GO WITHOUT.
I was just thinking, we haven't heard of the pillow spray for a while. Surely if she had it the lack of a light in the bathroom wouldn't bother her so much. Perhaps she can't afford it any more, or PERHAPS the pillow spray manufacturers stopped giving her freebies and issued a cease-and-desist. Perhaps THAT is the CRISIS.
Meanwhile, the Baker's cafe/restaurant closing down is surely a bit of a worry for him, but not as important as Liz's need for a bathroom light, special attention etc etc.
I am wondering if she's actually freelance, as opposed to employed by the Mail group? In which case, I assume she'd have a contract. I wonder why her agent dumped her, as she wrote some time ago? If it's true, of course.
As for that notorious photo-shoot modelling the M & S clothes, I bet M & S were tearing their hair out over how horrible she made the stuff look (and as someone pointed up earlier, the range wasn't that attractive anyway). Frankly, were I in the rag trade, I wouldn't want the Lizard modelling so much as a belt from my range!
If things are as bad with David's bakery as they appear, then it is little wonder that he has been stressed, as portrayed in her column (subject to all the usual caveats of course about her column being a load of guff). In which case, she is even more horrendous than I thought possible for dismissing his work worries.
Still, I wonder how long David will stick around when he realises there is no pot of gold to be had here - just a load of debts, huge unnecessary bills (including staff), a super-big mortgage, HMRC breathing down their necks, a fast-dwindling career which will never again reach the dizzy heights of £500,000 (assuming it ever did - only Liz herself has said that), and no cash in the bank (because it's all spent on fripperies). Assuming they go ahead with this wedding, they will have a miserable old age on a state pension to look forward to.
I am wondering if she's actually freelance, as opposed to employed by the Mail group? In which case, I assume she'd have a contract. I wonder why her agent dumped her, as she wrote some time ago? If it's true, of course.
As for that notorious photo-shoot modelling the M & S clothes, I bet M & S were tearing their hair out over how horrible she made the stuff look (and as someone pointed up earlier, the range wasn't that attractive anyway). Frankly, were I in the rag trade, I wouldn't want the Lizard modelling so much as a belt from my range!
If she isn't on PAYE then she would be mad not to have her own company... purely for tax reasons. She's only registered as a director of two companies. .. the Nation ones... both non trading.
I've become a first-time homeowner late in life, and the thought of not being able to pay my mortgage gives me palpitations, and I don't WANT to live elsewhere, so I can understand to a degree why Liz might be resisting doing the sensible thing. But she CAN live anywhere, and it would make a great deal of sense if she sold her palatial northern mansion with manicured lawns and bought something smaller, maybe outside London, of a price that ensured she had NO mortgage and ideally a bit of cash in the bank. As for the animals, it seems to me that she could establish a charitable trust that would make their care and housing tax-deductible, and she could go and visit them and work for said trust all the time. The woman DOES have fans and there are plenty of people who love animals to distraction who'd fork out to help. Meanwhile she and the Baker could live much more cheaply in a place with working bathroom lights, ideally mortgage free so their bills are vastly reduced,and it would all be fine.
Can anyone be arsed to comment on today's pisspoor effort?
What can you say about someone who reads her boyfriend's emails (and admits this in a national paper!) and expects him to spend £400 on shoes when his business is going down the pan. David - wake up!
They just don't communicate in any meaningful way at all. If I were working all day and was meeting my boyfriend later at his house, I'd make sure he knew I wanted to eat. Then he could get something in or book a table somewhere. Also, what does she eat? I didn't think she really did meals as such. Just the odd pea.
It just becomes clearer and clearer that they aren't remotely suited to each other. Although I can't imagine what sort of man would suit LJ. Possibly Karl Lagerfeld or someone - he certainly wouldn't rumple her duvet cover. Or anything else.
Can anyone be arsed to comment on today's pisspoor effort?
What can you say about someone who reads her boyfriend's emails (and admits this in a national paper!) and expects him to spend £400 on shoes when his business is going down the pan. David - wake up!
Her last line today is Who on earth was I trying to impress? Perhaps the same people who are supposed to be impressed that she doesn't wear Jigsaw (or even Whistles). Who is this woman? .. I see a very ordinary looking woman with unconditioned hair, not a lot in the lip department, quite pear shaped for someone with so many food phobias and hang ups and the possessor of a unstylish and tacky tattoo. From a normal background, but reading about all the luxury items she surrounds herself with (and the way she looks down on other people for not splashing the cash on buttery suede) you would expect her to look amazingly stylish, groomed and luxe looking. The tattoo makes her look market stall and her clothes look like they were bought at Next. If this column is not a pee take, she genuinely sees a different person when she looks in the mirror. Sorry if that sounds cruel but she has got to be the most shallow and one dimensional person alive.
They just don't communicate in any meaningful way at all. If I were working all day and was meeting my boyfriend later at his house, I'd make sure he knew I wanted to eat. Then he could get something in or book a table somewhere. Also, what does she eat? I didn't think she really did meals as such. Just the odd pea.
It just becomes clearer and clearer that they aren't remotely suited to each other. Although I can't imagine what sort of man would suit LJ. Possibly Karl Lagerfeld or someone - he certainly wouldn't rumple her duvet cover. Or anything else.
Comments
*Wasn't 'Nic-Nic' the small person who buttled for Salamanger in that great James Bond film 'The Man With The Golden Gun'?
I don't think it's David she's referring to, since the Diary has a 3-week (or more) lead time. It must have been some other fiance.
The quote isn't from the 'Dreary' but from her other MOS offering:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2895570/LIZ-JONES-says-ve-called-time-boozing-24-bottles-two-weeks.html
Of the 22 bottles, over a two week period for three people, that averages out at about half a bottle a day. Hardly the mark of a raging, or even incipient, alcoholic. As for the other instances or excessive imbibing, I'm something of an unwilling scholar of her past 'work', and I don't recall the "I only got married because I was drunk" bit before. Mind, it would explain a lot of her more blatantly unhinged witterings of recent vintage.
And three, she gets to refer to the Millennium Eve Stander Up - Kevin, is it?- as the Love of Her Life all of a sudden, which can only be aimed at the Baker. He who was the Love of Her Life on their first and second dates, then shunted aside for a deceased horse, and now shunted further in favour of someone who, if I am remembering right, used to be referred to as only half a boyfriend.
That's him she called Bin Laden isn't it?
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2597816/THE-M-S-VERDICT-BY-OUR-LEADING-LADY-After-recreating-advert-trying-clothes-LIZ-JONES-sadly-underwhelmed.html
In a way I find Liz's fashion shoots endearing as I get the impression she wants to show what the clothes look like on non-models, and she deliberately lets herself look bad. But it sits badly with the whole 'I only wear Louboutins and would rather eat humanely culled grass than place a less than designer diamond upon my finger" thing. Half the time she seems to be sending herself up. The rest of the time she seems incapable of real humour or self-awareness.
Bloody hell SuzyCat! Really? For starters, her salary is paid from revenue gleaned from advertisers. If they release a season of clothes, employing either a) real models or b) respected celebs to promote them, the last thing they need is Jonesey parading like a mad geriatric who has stumbled acrosss the dressing-up box (viz the M&S debacle which lost her her job). Next up, we have the constant "I'm so hideous, I'm so dysmorphic, oh woe is me" claptrap and at the same time we have page after page of her botoxed, airbrushed, photoshopped carcass as she sticks on her trademark rictus and tries to look beguiling. She may be a lot of things, but she sure isn't anorexic! She has a generously proportioned figure and is quite tall... she isn't skinny in any way shape or form. She thinks she has a sense of humour... but doesn't. She has two jokes that she often repeats (the yeast infection/Oxford sidesplitter pops up about once every couple of months). She get's stuck into anyone who is younger/cleverer/more successful than she is (as long as they are female). Her best years are at least a decade behind her... and they weren't that good. The current vogue of revealing the 'love of her life' (currently at least a dozen contenders) as well as the hilarious slagging of the baker week after week is shoddy, lazy and unbelievable. It's time for her to pack up and piss off.
They're denying it on the WAGfree page on FB:
Sorry, can I just clarity. It is Vozars @WAGfree that has closed.
WAGfree food and the Bakery are in fine fettle and ever increasing distribution throughout London.
Is that actually true though? And if so, it makes little sense as she doesn't get to publish these things without editorial approval. The editor approved it. Had to have.
So, if she lost her job over it there should have been a fairly significant golden handshake, because if Senor D called her into the office and said "look Liz, sorry about this but advertisers are pulling money because of that spread we did, I've got no option but to let you go" then he HAD to pay her off.
Imagine if you came up with an idea at work, as per your job description, your boss said 'yes that's great, we will do it', you did it, and it was crappy and they fired you. You'd have grounds for unfair dismissal. People in jobs where that CAN happen - like CEOs and CFOs for instance - have LARGE parachutes made of money built into their contracts.
I agree she's lazy and heinous.
I was just thinking, we haven't heard of the pillow spray for a while. Surely if she had it the lack of a light in the bathroom wouldn't bother her so much. Perhaps she can't afford it any more, or PERHAPS the pillow spray manufacturers stopped giving her freebies and issued a cease-and-desist. Perhaps THAT is the CRISIS.
Meanwhile, the Baker's cafe/restaurant closing down is surely a bit of a worry for him, but not as important as Liz's need for a bathroom light, special attention etc etc.
As for that notorious photo-shoot modelling the M & S clothes, I bet M & S were tearing their hair out over how horrible she made the stuff look (and as someone pointed up earlier, the range wasn't that attractive anyway). Frankly, were I in the rag trade, I wouldn't want the Lizard modelling so much as a belt from my range!
Still, I wonder how long David will stick around when he realises there is no pot of gold to be had here - just a load of debts, huge unnecessary bills (including staff), a super-big mortgage, HMRC breathing down their necks, a fast-dwindling career which will never again reach the dizzy heights of £500,000 (assuming it ever did - only Liz herself has said that), and no cash in the bank (because it's all spent on fripperies). Assuming they go ahead with this wedding, they will have a miserable old age on a state pension to look forward to.
If she isn't on PAYE then she would be mad not to have her own company... purely for tax reasons. She's only registered as a director of two companies. .. the Nation ones... both non trading.
What can you say about someone who reads her boyfriend's emails (and admits this in a national paper!) and expects him to spend £400 on shoes when his business is going down the pan. David - wake up!
It just becomes clearer and clearer that they aren't remotely suited to each other. Although I can't imagine what sort of man would suit LJ. Possibly Karl Lagerfeld or someone - he certainly wouldn't rumple her duvet cover. Or anything else.
Her last line today is Who on earth was I trying to impress? Perhaps the same people who are supposed to be impressed that she doesn't wear Jigsaw (or even Whistles). Who is this woman? .. I see a very ordinary looking woman with unconditioned hair, not a lot in the lip department, quite pear shaped for someone with so many food phobias and hang ups and the possessor of a unstylish and tacky tattoo. From a normal background, but reading about all the luxury items she surrounds herself with (and the way she looks down on other people for not splashing the cash on buttery suede) you would expect her to look amazingly stylish, groomed and luxe looking. The tattoo makes her look market stall and her clothes look like they were bought at Next. If this column is not a pee take, she genuinely sees a different person when she looks in the mirror. Sorry if that sounds cruel but she has got to be the most shallow and one dimensional person alive.
Half a pea, BellaFiga. She's not greedy.