in laws coming to stay for a fortnight during my exams

[Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 516
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Basically just want a vent and help getting perspective cos I'm very annoyed and want to get past it.

Me and OH live in a small one bed flat. His parents live in Spain and will usually arrange to come stay instead to 3 weeks at a time at least twice a year, even though we both work. I find it very trying cos they like to baby us and criticise the way we live.

However, FILs brother recently had a heart attack so they wanted to go to him in North Wales then come see us in the South. Fine, I could cope with a week, especially given the circumstances.

However, it turns out the brother told them he didn't want them visiting because he has no room for them to stay whilst he's recovering and they already knew that so now expect to stay with us for two weeks instead of seeing him at all.

I could even grin and bear that except they already booked the flights and OH agreed to it before talking to me. When he did, I reminded him I need to use half term for A Level revision. I've never studied like this before and already feel stressed so I'm perhaps unreasonably upset he hasn't considered my situation. He'll be at work all day and I'll be forced to go to the library which is fine but there will be no down time and no privacy and to be honest we could do without the strain.

How shall I pull myself together?
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Comments

  • turquoiseblueturquoiseblue Posts: 2,431
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    I'm with you, it would drive me up the wall to have family or anyone else staying that long. I think it's totally out of order that you were not consulted. Is there anywhere you could go to do your revision? I'd make your feelings very clear about all this and make sure it doesn't ever happen again. I'd also seriously consider pulling the plug on the arrangements made this time, what a cheek!
  • c4rvc4rv Posts: 29,538
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    can't you book them a nearby hotel ?
  • Summer BreezeSummer Breeze Posts: 4,399
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    Personally I would tell them that it is not practical at this time for them to stay with you for so long as you are needing some quiet time to concentrate on your exams.
    They could always book a holiday let for the time period.

    I know it can be hard to say this, but maybe you need to think of yourself more right now, and let them sort their own accommodation out.
    All the best.
  • 4smiffy4smiffy Posts: 2,161
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    Personally I would tell them that it is not practical at this time for them to stay with you for so long as you are needing some quiet time to concentrate on your exams.
    They could always book a holiday let for the time period.

    I know it can be hard to say this, but maybe you need to think of yourself more right now, and let them sort their own accommodation out.
    All the best.

    I agree with this.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 516
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    They don't charge us when we stay with them but we haven't been able to afford it in 3 years. I tried to telp OH it was too much yesterday but he just told me I was making him feel bad. I also know they can't afford 2 weeks accommodation but it's just the presumption that's really upset me. I know they'll be dead offended cos OH wll make it clear through his upset that I've put my foot down but I'm just not sure I can hack 2 weeks in my personal space with the added stress of exqms - they stayed 3 weeks when we moved house over Christmas 2012 and I nearly walked out then!
  • oscardelahoyaoscardelahoya Posts: 4,902
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    Could you stay with your parents or anyone for a few days?
  • mred2000mred2000 Posts: 10,050
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    I find it bizarre that your OH seems to think that this is fine to happen during one of your most stressful periods - he's clearly missing something and/or is extremely selfish.
    You shouldn't just roll over on this one. His parents have already been moved on from one venue due to lack of space - you need head-space for your exams and if your other half can't see that then he is, quite simply, a moron.
  • edExedEx Posts: 13,460
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    TBH your OH's meek compliance with the arrangement probably explains why they baby and criticise you both.

    Make the point to them directly whilst they're over, and start revising in the library now so that you're used to doing so whilst they're here. The arrangements are now made, so you need to work around them, but that doesn't mean you can't make your voice heard.

    And if they criticise how you live, remind them that how you live is your decision, not theirs. Matter of fact, no drama, no stress. Concentrate on your exams, and best of luck.
  • 4smiffy4smiffy Posts: 2,161
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    They don't charge us when we stay with them but we haven't been able to afford it in 3 years. I tried to telp OH it was too much yesterday but he just told me I was making him feel bad. I also know they can't afford 2 weeks accommodation but it's just the presumption that's really upset me. I know they'll be dead offended cos OH wll make it clear through his upset that I've put my foot down but I'm just not sure I can hack 2 weeks in my personal space with the added stress of exqms - they stayed 3 weeks when we moved house over Christmas 2012 and I nearly walked out then!

    Your OH needs a good talking to. Your needs are not being considered, so you need to make sure he listens. If there's any future for the two of you, you have to assert yourself and tell him he has to support you. When he speaks to his parents it should be in a "supporting you" manner.
  • duckyluckyduckylucky Posts: 13,827
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    Honestly no one should expect to stay 2 weeks with anyone in a 1 bed apartment .Its is totally impractible /I am also of the opinion your OH needs to cop on and see the problem you have with this at a really awkward time
  • Tt88Tt88 Posts: 6,827
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    If it was me i would make a point of shutting myself in my room all day to study. They know its not convenient to stay so they will have to suck it up. Unless your oh is willing to take time off work to entertain them they will be in for a fortnight of sitting in a room all day entertaining themselves.
  • oulandyoulandy Posts: 18,242
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    I agree with mred and ducky lucky on this one. You shouldn't have been put in this position at all. The only way you can manage this without bursting is either for you to remove yourself - go away for a couple of weeks to stay with a friend or your parents - or for you and your husband to pay for bed and breakfast for his parents for the two weeks and make yourself unavailable to them during the day and evenings as well - shut in your bedroom or in the library.
  • ScrabblerScrabbler Posts: 50,931
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    If I were you, chuck them out every day. Why should they spend every day using your electricity and eating your food while you have to trapise to the library. Find them some free stuff they can do in your area during the day like visiting a museum or a trip to the local park.
  • pie-eyedpie-eyed Posts: 8,456
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    They are your OHs family though and it's his house too. Does he want them there? If it's been 18 months since they stayed it's not really as if they come often. If you explained about the studying and told them they would have to entertain themselves to let you get on, surely everyone would be happy.
  • RAINBOWGIRL22RAINBOWGIRL22 Posts: 24,459
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    Anyone else with a bigger place who can put them up?

    Anywhere you can go for a few days / week?

    Any cheap places for them to stay locally and maybe you can go halves on the cost?

    Or how about having them half the time and they stay in a B&B the other half?

    To be honest I think it is lunacy to expect to stay with anyone who only has one bedroom (in fact unless there is an actual "spare" room I find it incredibly odd)

    What are the sleeping arrangements when they come? I guess you and OH sleep in living room and let them have the bedroom? I imagine when you go and stay with the parents they have a bigger place? Or at the very least do not offer up their room for you.

    Personally I think you need to stand your ground but offer an alternative - I suggested a few above.
  • mred2000mred2000 Posts: 10,050
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    pie-eyed wrote: »
    They are your OHs family though and it's his house too. Does he want them there? If it's been 18 months since they stayed it's not really as if they come often. If you explained about the studying and told them they would have to entertain themselves to let you get on, surely everyone would be happy.

    It's a small one bed flat so I'm guessing 1 bedroom, 1 living/dining room, 1 kitchen, 1 bathroom = distinct lack of space. I'll bet my bottom dollar they won't want to go out whenever the OP needs to revise and OP shouldn't have to be restricted to having to revise in her bedroom.
    It's not really as if they come often but they turn up for two weeks during exam time so that's alright and should be accepted? On what planet is that alright?

    I'm sure if the OP did speak with them directly they might get a better result than when dealing with their selfish OH, though...
    Personally I think you need to stand your ground but offer an alternative.

    Agreed.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 516
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    They sleep on the day bed they paid for in our kitchen and were last over for a week in November - 2012 was just an example of how hard it was! I told OH straight this was a rubbish time and to put them off - spoke to his mum today and some odd opinions came to light.

    She thinks I'm disowning them and have little interest in a relationship with them because I should be fostering one to the same level as OH enjoys. I'm not comfortable with that because I have a strainee relationship with my own mum and it doesn't feel right to appreciate someone else's mum.

    She accused him of giving in to me and threatened to cancel outright. And he told me they'd be reasonable. He wants me to explain to them why I'm "removed". Seeing how upset he was, I've said they can come over the last week of my exams - I'm so annoyed at the complete unwillingness of my MIL to see where I'm coming from and I'm not looking forward to having to explain myself... but thank you for all your input.
  • turquoiseblueturquoiseblue Posts: 2,431
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    I honestly think what's going on is seriously weird. These are in laws, people you hardly know. There is no obligation on you to have any sort of relationship with them, other than being polite and treating them with respect. They should offer you the same. It all sounds far too intense and unnatural to me. As for sharing such a small flat with them, I would definitely refuse just on that basis without even considering your study needs. It's just not on for them it impose themselves on you like this. Your OH needs to grow a pair tell them to back off and he should put you first.

    Oh and definitely don't explain anything, the cheek of it is astounding to say the least.
  • FilliAFilliA Posts: 864
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    The brother has explained to them that their visit isn't convenient and they have accepted that. If I were you I would tell them that they are welcome to come and stay for the originally planned week but only once your exams are over. Talk to your OH first and tell him he has to support you over this. It is outrageous and inconsiderate of them . When I first read your OP I thought there was some urgency to the visit because of the brothers health but if they aren't even visiting him they are just being awkward.

    As to them trying to force you to like them more, that's just going to have the opposite effect. If they are being this irritating now imagine how much worse they'll be over grandchildren. Put your foot down now, insist on getting your own way and make up any offence afterwards. My son is just about to do his A levels and no one I know would insist on staying at this point, it is completely unreasonable. You need to get this sorted asap so you can concentrate on the exams. Good luck with them x.
  • FilliAFilliA Posts: 864
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    Just read your post about them staying 3 weeks while you were moving! Was that planned by you or them?
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 516
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    FilliA wrote: »
    Just read your post about them staying 3 weeks while you were moving! Was that planned by you or them?

    Mutual because they helped us move - I can't do heavy lifting, so that was a put up and shut up but it was still hideous.

    I didn't sleep last night - I found out my dad has cancer and we've been estranged for over a year so it's hitme hard feeling guilty for not reconnecting.

    My OH told me to focus on what I could fix which meant we were rowing by 7am because I tried to explain living 4 people to our flat with only consideration for his parents and not my exams leads to a claustrophobic relationship. Apparently that means I hate them even though I've said I won't complain after my exams.

    It's just so overwhelming and I'm so bloody furious that I'm expected to explain the level of relationship I have with my in laws, never mind what's happening with mine.

    Apparently it's rude to suggest hotels because they let us go to Spain. We haven't been in 3 years due to finances and OY won't go alone because he doesn't want to so apparently that just means I don't want him seeing his parents cos I don't like them.

    I've basically been in tears since 5 last night with Round 2 due soon and I'm exhausted - I even got sent home, so ridiculously overwhelmed and angry.
  • Tt88Tt88 Posts: 6,827
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    What is the living situation of the brother whos unwell? You mentioned that they accepted that theres not enough room at his yet they dont see the problem with your small flat?

    Worse case scenario, is there anyway you can get extra time for your exams? Im not sure if ithis would qualify but is your college quite lenient when things like this come up if you need to have an extra weeks study?
  • Summer BreezeSummer Breeze Posts: 4,399
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    Oh dear this is all going from bad to worse.

    I am not sure of how you can get it all sorted out to be honest.
    Maybe you can go and stay with someone for the two weeks instead to get some quiet time for studying alone, but obviously hang out with them a bit when they are in the UK.

    Often it is all about communication break down when things get a bit weird.
    Sounds like your OH is stuck in the middle and trying to do the best for all concerned but not pleasing anyone here.

    I hope you can get things back on track with your Dad by the way, sounds like it is a pivotal time in both your lives right now.
    All the best.
  • Tt88Tt88 Posts: 6,827
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    Actually, cant your oh have a week off work to take them out? If they arent visiting the brother then theres no point them coming if their sons working.

    If he wants them over he should take responsibility and be the one entertaining them and keeping them company not you.
  • c4rvc4rv Posts: 29,538
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    They sleep on the day bed they paid for in our kitchen and were last over for a week in November - 2012 was just an example of how hard it was! I told OH straight this was a rubbish time and to put them off - spoke to his mum today and some odd opinions came to light.

    She thinks I'm disowning them and have little interest in a relationship with them because I should be fostering one to the same level as OH enjoys. I'm not comfortable with that because I have a strainee relationship with my own mum and it doesn't feel right to appreciate someone else's mum.

    She accused him of giving in to me and threatened to cancel outright. And he told me they'd be reasonable. He wants me to explain to them why I'm "removed". Seeing how upset he was, I've said they can come over the last week of my exams - I'm so annoyed at the complete unwillingness of my MIL to see where I'm coming from and I'm not looking forward to having to explain myself... but thank you for all your input.

    Aside from the issues over their visit, I don't see why you can't have a relationship with your MIL just because the relationship with your mum is strained. Personally I think the real issue is your OH, he should be taking your side and sorting his parents out on the visit date.
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