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My partner won't stop asking me 'what is wrong' or 'you have a tone'
ahrimaniac
Posts: 981 Forum Member
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I really don't know how to word this without making him seem like an arse because he really isn't, I know it's well-intentioned and that he means well.
The main problem is, my partner keeps asking me whether there is something wrong, or telling me that I have a tone in my voice which makes him doubtful that I'm 'alright' or that I'm not telling him something when I'm unhappy. The problem is. it's creating a major problem with me because I'm starting to feel on edge around him and I don't really know what to do.
I sat down with him a week or so ago and reassured him that if something was wrong, I'd tell him all about it, but that his second-guessing was driving me mad, and he seemed to accept it. But today is a great example - I've had a really long week, and I'm absolutely tired out. He doesn't take the fact that I look tired into account, instead I've had a fairly constant stream of 'What is the matter' or 'are you SURE' whenever I say I'm alright. I was having a bath when he asked me a question and then followed it up with 'are you sure because you don't sound like you're happy' (my frickin' face was pretty much underwater at the time, I don't know how he expects me to sound!) and so I shouted that I was fine, and a big argument ensued - which I know he'll then take as proof that I wasn't alright after all.
It really is getting to the point where I can't deal with it all the time. He'll make comments about me looking at other men in the gym and then say he was only joking, but I know he's insecure about it, so it then makes me doubly-worse because I'm constantly worrying about him AND worrying about where I look so I don't upset him.
I'm at a loss of what to do. He really is the perfect husband in every way and I don't want to get rid of him or anything drastic, but he will not accept that he's doing anything wrong - I love him to bits but I can't keep going like this if he won't accept that I'll just bloody tell him if I have a problem.
any help greatly appreciated.
The main problem is, my partner keeps asking me whether there is something wrong, or telling me that I have a tone in my voice which makes him doubtful that I'm 'alright' or that I'm not telling him something when I'm unhappy. The problem is. it's creating a major problem with me because I'm starting to feel on edge around him and I don't really know what to do.
I sat down with him a week or so ago and reassured him that if something was wrong, I'd tell him all about it, but that his second-guessing was driving me mad, and he seemed to accept it. But today is a great example - I've had a really long week, and I'm absolutely tired out. He doesn't take the fact that I look tired into account, instead I've had a fairly constant stream of 'What is the matter' or 'are you SURE' whenever I say I'm alright. I was having a bath when he asked me a question and then followed it up with 'are you sure because you don't sound like you're happy' (my frickin' face was pretty much underwater at the time, I don't know how he expects me to sound!) and so I shouted that I was fine, and a big argument ensued - which I know he'll then take as proof that I wasn't alright after all.
It really is getting to the point where I can't deal with it all the time. He'll make comments about me looking at other men in the gym and then say he was only joking, but I know he's insecure about it, so it then makes me doubly-worse because I'm constantly worrying about him AND worrying about where I look so I don't upset him.
I'm at a loss of what to do. He really is the perfect husband in every way and I don't want to get rid of him or anything drastic, but he will not accept that he's doing anything wrong - I love him to bits but I can't keep going like this if he won't accept that I'll just bloody tell him if I have a problem.
any help greatly appreciated. 0
Comments
You are feeling 'on edge' and having difficulty dealing with it. He won't change so you either learn to understand his insecurity or show him the door.
And, by the way, if he tells you he was 'only joking' about you looking at other men - well that's just insulting.
He's fabricating a world of pain for himself. It's unnecessary. But he won't realise that without professional help.
Have you tried sitting him down and asking him what he is anxious or insecure about. What are his fears. Try to get him to see that this is about him - not about you. Perhaps he is feeling unattractive or has lost confidence in himself in some other way - has he always been like this or is it new behaviour. Try to get underneath what he is saying, find out what's driving it.
He may need some counselling or CBT to help to change the way he is thinking.
sorted
That's just ridiculous. Marriages are supposed to be worth more than just being thrown away when you reach a hurdle. I feel sorry for your partner/future partner if you feel like people should just up every time there's a problem.
As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the "Half empty or Half full" question.
Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired:
"How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long I hold it.
If I hold it for a minute,
it's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour,
I'll have an ache in my arm.
If I hold it for a day,
my arm will feel numb and paralyzed.
In each case,
the weight of the glass doesn't change,
But
The longer I hold it,
the heavier it becomes.
She continued,
"The Stresses and Worries in Life , are like that Glass of Water...
Think about them for a while and nothing happens.
Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt.
And
If you think about them all day long,
you will feel paralyzed –
incapable of doing anything....!!!"
Remember to put the Glass Down
That's probably the best suggestion because trying to be reasonable with an unreasonable person isn't going to work - just tell him to bog off, as 4smiffy says.
A bit of back-ground info would help.
How long has this been going on? How long have you been together / married?
Anything ever happened to warrant this? Affair / separation? Anything in his past that could make him feel insecure?
Sorry lots of questions.
It just seems random that this has become a sudden issue.
Not sure this will help the OP but it has helped me.
This sort of well-thought-out, articulate and empathetic advice seems to be your speciality of late. Do you think it's funny or do you have some sort of deeper problem?
That's actually good advice
I became so tired and worn down with his behaviour that one day when he left for work, I packed up as many of my things as possible and just left. I know this was a cowardly and cruel way to behave, but I knew that if I told him I was leaving, he would cry or use emotional blackmail to keep me there.
I didn't even tell my family what I was planning or where I had moved to so they wouldn't be lying when they told him they didn't know where I was.
This was 20 years ago, but even today something will remind me of him and his behaviour and I feel sick.
But if that doesn't work, do this next:
My advice..Over communicate, if you have had a bad day, tell him as soon as you get in the door.
Also know each others Love Language http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Sometimes my husband can go about looking like he's got the real hump or I feel like I'm getting a 'vibe' from him that he's unhappy about something.
I used to ask a lot and, as frustrating as it was for him, it was equally frustrating for me to be told 'nothing' constantly, when I was fairly sure something actually was up.
We had a row about it and he said, 'Well, I haven't got the hump, or DIDN'T have the hump but, I f-ing well do now. You keep asking is giving me the f-ing hump'.
I heard that loud and clear and now I either don't ask or if I do (because there are occasions it's appropriate)I accept his first response. I accept it even if I don't believe it, I don't believe it because he's going around like a thunder cloud shouting at the kids or something.
Be careful what you wish for - I have certainly found myself giving a fcuk far less than I used to and just assume that he'll talk to me if he wants.
My advice is, he obviously wants to talk to you about something, he is feeling insecure because he feels something isn't right. Find a way between you two to communicate more effectively. If he needs reassurance, give him it; if you need time alone, tell him. Instead of getting cross with each other maybe try finding out what the root cause is.
I have a bitchy resting face. I am perfectly happy but look like a moody cow. When I am fed up though, boy my face really lets you know about it. I am going off to practice being unscrutable.