But this is what I'm saying. If your wife cheated on you, then she's the one that has broken the vows she made with you, and the third party is only there simply because he was the one she decided to be with instead.
So therefore thats why I don't understand why the cheated on partner would still put the blame on the third party, when really they are outside the marriage....
Although it's a valid point when some people believe that if the third party hadn't been around in the first place, then nothing would have happened....
So many "other women" are called "home wreckers" or "marriage wreckers" which is silly, as it seems that in that case, all the blame has been put on them and not on the actual husband!
Also, when in the case of the wife cheating on the husband, the term "home wrecker" or "marriage wrecker" is never aimed at the "other man" involved, only when it's the "other woman"....
I think that's an outdated concept anyway. The idea that some seductive femme fatale could entice your husband to stray is as ridiculous as the idea of the idea of some moustache twirling villain could seduce your wife.
In the end it's your partner, male or female, who has made the conscious decision to ignore their marriage vows. If you are the innocent party and want to look around for excuses, go ahead. But it won't alter the facts, if the marriage was in that much trouble you probably aren't surprised, and it's time to call it a day. If you genuinely thought there was nothing wrong, then you are the victim of a terrible deceit. Blaming youself won't help, get out as painlessly as possible, because the chances are it will happen again.
I think it is more complicated than an 'either or' choice
E.g. my ex cheated on me when I was pregnant - she called me all sorts of crap along the lines of being frumpy and boring because I was bearing a child - I said she was a tart and she vowed to kick my ass when I was no longer pregnant
I kicked him out and when I had the all clear after the baby re my health I went and confronted her - I kicked the crap out of her - each person judged for their own behaviour
If I had a wife/partner, I would be aiming my frustrations at her or myself. Nobody is really coming between us, because, unless the other person was forced, it was all done by choice, which means something was lacking from the existing relationship.
I suppose i was using the circs of my parent's divorce as the model for my answer.
Basically Mum and Dad were helping out a friend of the family who was going through her second divorce... and she (the family friend) and Dad started an affair. Blew apart a 23-yr-old marriage when I was at Poly. Mum was on ground 0 - I was on ground 1 of the blast.
The anger was immense in me. Think "fantasise about lobbing a grenade into the adulterous lair" anger. But betrayal of trust does that. It got better.
Hence I don't *quite* get along with the "all rights no responsibilities no accountability" you-go-girl model I see as a layman in today's feminist ideology - as it plays out to the public. Someone has to pick up the shit. If women are equal adults to men, they can bloody well own the consequences of their actions - as men have to. I refuse to be anyone's scapegoat or dishrag.
And stealing someone else's partner or blowing up your marriage/relationship for "reasons" aka "I'm bored" is a pretty shitty thing to do. Whatever gender you are.
Maybe it's just me, but "marriage should be honoured by all..." seems a useful maxim to live by..
It's nothing to do with feminism for me and certainly not anything to do with any you-go-girl model.
Of course my opinion of women who hook up with married men isn't generally that high, and at my lowest points I daresay I will have an almost obsessive hatred toward her BUT, looking at the bigger picture, HE is the one who knows what we have, what he will destroy, how it will affect me and his children, that it will change everything and there will be no going back.
If he knows all that - and he does - and still chooses to cross that line he's disregarding all the above - that is the betrayal for me. Regardless of what I think of her, it's his selfishness and disregard that will hurt me to the core and will ultimately dwarf whatever I feel about her.
Moreover, what I think I would find hardest to come back from is that I would feel I don't know him. I don't think he would ever do that to me. If he did it would be like I don't know him at all. I really couldn't cope with that but that would be more about him revealing a side to him I didn't know existed and me seeing him as a stranger and it really doesn't have much to do with her - it's about us, our relationship.
That's why I would blame him and not her. Nothing to do with feminism. Believe me, if he screwed around feminism would not be on my radar.
I suppose what I was trying to get at was this "You go girl" culture that seems to be rampant - where shitty actions are rationalised away - if it's women doing it - never mind the impact on the guy.
If you love someone then you don't stray no matter what sh*t is going on, you work through things together as a couple and if you can't then you go your separate ways. That is how I have always seen it. When I took my marriage vows(and even before that) it was for better or worse. There really is no excuse for cheating as far as I am concerned and I wouldn't hurt the man that I love by cheating on him and I know he would be the same.
If you are tempted to cheat then you need to take a long hard look at your relationship and yourself and work out why. If someone starts an affair with someone knowing full well they are in a relationship then they also need to take some of the blame, it takes two to Tango after all. The innocent party is the person that has been cheated on.
It's nothing to do with feminism for me and certainly not anything to do with any you-go-girl model.
Of course my opinion of women who hook up with married men isn't generally that high, and at my lowest points I daresay I will have an almost obsessive hatred toward her BUT, looking at the bigger picture, HE is the one who knows what we have, what he will destroy, how it will affect me and his children, that it will change everything and there will be no going back.
If he knows all that - and he does - and still chooses to cross that line he's disregarding all the above - that is the betrayal for me. Regardless of what I think of her, it's his selfishness and disregard that will hurt me to the core and will ultimately dwarf whatever I feel about her.
Moreover, what I think I would find hardest to come back from is that I would feel I don't know him. I don't think he would ever do that to me. If he did it would be like I don't know him at all. I really couldn't cope with that but that would be more about him revealing a side to him I didn't know existed and me seeing him as a stranger and it really doesn't have much to do with her - it's about us, our relationship.
That's why I would blame him and not her. Nothing to do with feminism. Believe me, if he screwed around feminism would not be on my radar.
Good post, I agree with you completely.
I think that logically, I would have to blame my husband first and foremost, but then again, you'd have to be a saint not to hold some level of hatred towards the other woman.
It hasn't happened to me yet, and i hope it never does!
Then of course it gets more confusing, because what if it were just a one night stand, meaningless, or if he had actually fallen in love with this other woman, I suppose they're completely different things, but then again if my husband were to actually fall in love with someone else, then the marriage would probably have been on the cards anyway....?
Psychologically I'd imagine its easier and less hurtful for a cheated wife to think of her husband as just a weak and vulnerable man who has been preyed upon by a manipultive b1tch, rather than him being a cheating scumbag who has no love or respect for his wife and family.
So particularly if she has hopes of continuing the marriage she will be more inclined to blame the other woman, ignoring the logic that it was her husband who had broken his vows.
I think this is exactly what happens in a lot of cases, especially where there are children involved or where she thinks she has a great deal to lose by simply walking out.
My husband was the one that stood up and vowed to be faithful to me, not the other woman. So my husband.
Exactly. I also know for a fact that my ex-husband didn't tell the woman he cheated with that he was married, par for the course with many a cheat (male or female )
If you love someone then you don't stray no matter what sh*t is going on, you work through things together as a couple and if you can't then you go your separate ways. That is how I have always seen it. When I took my marriage vows(and even before that) it was for better or worse. There really is no excuse for cheating as far as I am concerned and I wouldn't hurt the man that I love by cheating on him and I know he would be the same.
If you are tempted to cheat then you need to take a long hard look at your relationship and yourself and work out why. If someone starts an affair with someone knowing full well they are in a relationship then they also need to take some of the blame, it takes two to Tango after all. The innocent party is the person that has been cheated on.
I think in an ideal world, that is what should happen, end one relationship and then look for another, but in most cases, it rarely happens does it?
Imo, as much as if I were the wronged wife, I'd want to put some of the blame on the other woman, logically that wouldn't be true, as she has had no obligation to me, not like my husband would have. Of course I'd want to hate her just the same though....
The difference is, the husband would have committed adultery to our marriage, and it's something I could divorce him for, so it is an actual offence, whereby I couldn't take the other woman to court, because although she would be wrong in reality, it isn't actually a criminal offence what she has done is it?
It's nothing to do with feminism for me and certainly not anything to do with any you-go-girl model.
Of course my opinion of women who hook up with married men isn't generally that high, and at my lowest points I daresay I will have an almost obsessive hatred toward her BUT, looking at the bigger picture, HE is the one who knows what we have, what he will destroy, how it will affect me and his children, that it will change everything and there will be no going back.
If he knows all that - and he does - and still chooses to cross that line he's disregarding all the above - that is the betrayal for me. Regardless of what I think of her, it's his selfishness and disregard that will hurt me to the core and will ultimately dwarf whatever I feel about her.
Moreover, what I think I would find hardest to come back from is that I would feel I don't know him. I don't think he would ever do that to me. If he did it would be like I don't know him at all. I really couldn't cope with that but that would be more about him revealing a side to him I didn't know existed and me seeing him as a stranger and it really doesn't have much to do with her - it's about us, our relationship.
That's why I would blame him and not her. Nothing to do with feminism. Believe me, if he screwed around feminism would not be on my radar.
Well said, and exactly how I feel. Absolutely nothing to do with feminism.
I suppose what I was trying to get at was this "You go girl" culture that seems to be rampant - where shitty actions are rationalised away - if it's women doing it - never mind the impact on the guy.
It's not just women that cheat on men, Al, there are an equal number of men that are sleazebags, you know. You are really fixated on this feminist claptrap, stay away from those Men's Rights movement websites and forums, they are giving you some very odd ideas.
It's not just women that cheat on men, Al, there are an equal number of men that are sleazebags, you know. You are really fixated on this feminist claptrap, stay away from those Men's Rights movement websites and forums, they are giving you some very odd ideas.
Absolutely... cheating is not the exclusive activity of one particular sex, if a PERSON cheats they are a cheat. Cheating is the word
My husband would have loyalty to ME, it would be a personal betrayal.
The other woman isn't in my aegis and I can't dictate or expect her behaviour to ally with mine, or to take me into consideration even. (Unless she was a personal friend or something).
And many relationships start with the betrayal of the first, and then they 'set up' with the next.
It's cowardice on the betrayer's part, sometimes with reasons, and often shows there is something fundamentally wrong with the marriage.
And it's THAT that's important, not the 'other person' in the equation.
im of the opinion that there is no reason for an affair at all, if the marriage is dead in the water nd you meet someone new your current relationship should be ended first and if the other woman/man is keen enough then they should have the respect to wait untill that happens before beginning a relationship, affairs are emotional damaging for all involved
im of the opinion that there is no reason for an affair at all, if the marriage is dead in the water nd you meet someone new your current relationship should be ended first and if the other woman/man is keen enough then they should have the respect to wait untill that happens before beginning a relationship, affairs are emotional damaging for all involved
Absolutely! Unfortunately in the battle that follows the children (if there are children), as alcockell has mentioned, suffer as much - if not more - from the fallout.
I wouldn't necessarily blame anyone. In any case sometimes the one who has been 'cheated on' has their part to play. That said I think the other woman/man bears the least responsibility.
The husband. I'd judge the other woman as a horrible person (if she knew he was married) but she's just that - she hasn't betrayed me as I don't know her (unless I do). My husband on the other hand has made vows to me and broken those vows, he's sleaze. If he isn't happy he should just say so and we'll talk about it or he can just say he likes someone else and wants out of the marriage. You don't sleep with someone else whilst you've made that sort of promise to someone, in my eyes it's unforgiveable.
Comments
I think that's an outdated concept anyway. The idea that some seductive femme fatale could entice your husband to stray is as ridiculous as the idea of the idea of some moustache twirling villain could seduce your wife.
In the end it's your partner, male or female, who has made the conscious decision to ignore their marriage vows. If you are the innocent party and want to look around for excuses, go ahead. But it won't alter the facts, if the marriage was in that much trouble you probably aren't surprised, and it's time to call it a day. If you genuinely thought there was nothing wrong, then you are the victim of a terrible deceit. Blaming youself won't help, get out as painlessly as possible, because the chances are it will happen again.
E.g. my ex cheated on me when I was pregnant - she called me all sorts of crap along the lines of being frumpy and boring because I was bearing a child - I said she was a tart and she vowed to kick my ass when I was no longer pregnant
I kicked him out and when I had the all clear after the baby re my health I went and confronted her - I kicked the crap out of her - each person judged for their own behaviour
It's nothing to do with feminism for me and certainly not anything to do with any you-go-girl model.
Of course my opinion of women who hook up with married men isn't generally that high, and at my lowest points I daresay I will have an almost obsessive hatred toward her BUT, looking at the bigger picture, HE is the one who knows what we have, what he will destroy, how it will affect me and his children, that it will change everything and there will be no going back.
If he knows all that - and he does - and still chooses to cross that line he's disregarding all the above - that is the betrayal for me. Regardless of what I think of her, it's his selfishness and disregard that will hurt me to the core and will ultimately dwarf whatever I feel about her.
Moreover, what I think I would find hardest to come back from is that I would feel I don't know him. I don't think he would ever do that to me. If he did it would be like I don't know him at all. I really couldn't cope with that but that would be more about him revealing a side to him I didn't know existed and me seeing him as a stranger and it really doesn't have much to do with her - it's about us, our relationship.
That's why I would blame him and not her. Nothing to do with feminism. Believe me, if he screwed around feminism would not be on my radar.
The kind of thing Chris Rock was alluding to.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaOUnwfD1dQ
If you are tempted to cheat then you need to take a long hard look at your relationship and yourself and work out why. If someone starts an affair with someone knowing full well they are in a relationship then they also need to take some of the blame, it takes two to Tango after all. The innocent party is the person that has been cheated on.
I know it sounded insensitive, it wasn't meant to be
I think that logically, I would have to blame my husband first and foremost, but then again, you'd have to be a saint not to hold some level of hatred towards the other woman.
It hasn't happened to me yet, and i hope it never does!
Then of course it gets more confusing, because what if it were just a one night stand, meaningless, or if he had actually fallen in love with this other woman, I suppose they're completely different things, but then again if my husband were to actually fall in love with someone else, then the marriage would probably have been on the cards anyway....?
Imo, as much as if I were the wronged wife, I'd want to put some of the blame on the other woman, logically that wouldn't be true, as she has had no obligation to me, not like my husband would have. Of course I'd want to hate her just the same though....
The difference is, the husband would have committed adultery to our marriage, and it's something I could divorce him for, so it is an actual offence, whereby I couldn't take the other woman to court, because although she would be wrong in reality, it isn't actually a criminal offence what she has done is it?
Oh dear.
I'm in the 'blame the man' camp.
My husband would have loyalty to ME, it would be a personal betrayal.
The other woman isn't in my aegis and I can't dictate or expect her behaviour to ally with mine, or to take me into consideration even. (Unless she was a personal friend or something).
And many relationships start with the betrayal of the first, and then they 'set up' with the next.
It's cowardice on the betrayer's part, sometimes with reasons, and often shows there is something fundamentally wrong with the marriage.
And it's THAT that's important, not the 'other person' in the equation.
All I know is how I felt when Mum and Dad broke up.
I couldn't talk to Dad or the woman who became his new wife for a long time.
Mind you I'd mainly be confused, I don't have a husband.
Does this woman have the same level of loyalty to the wife as the husband does?
Should she be expected to have this?
Don't get me wrong, I don't think having affairs with married men is any sort of 'good' thing, but the 'other woman' didn't make any vows.
Only if it were a close friend or family member would I feel betrayed, otherwise the other person has no loyalty to me.
Exactly.