I prefer not to insult people really, but I do find that the best sort of insult is to just say 'It is not worth me wasting time on you' and walking away if I feel annoyed about something someone has done.
"If you had a brain cell, it would die of loneliness."
I can't remember where I heard it, but it's brilliant.
Sounds like Blackadder to me
"Baldrick, You wouldn't recognise a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Cunning plans are here again!'"
Most of them involve general swearing but some good ones
"Have you always been a ____? Or was it your new years resolution? Either way, you're good at it,"
"I would rather have Edward Scissorhands give me a smear test blindfolded,"
"Congrats on being___ of the month, you complete and utter waste of oxygen"
She has her head so far up her own arse, she can say hello good morning to her small intestine
I hope you fly into the sun
There was a really horrible girl at my Uni, used to try sleep with other girls boyfriends, never done any work. She went for a 'test' and I said
"At least you'll pass something this year, babe"
Comments
And (also to Lady Astor) "If you were my wife, I would take it" (poison)
Whistler (to Oscar Wilde, who said "I wish I had said that")
"You will, Oscar, you Will"
And a put down about the Giant's Causeway, Northern Island, and indeed about pretty well most things, I find.
Dr Johnson - "Worth seeing, but not worth GOING to see"
these cricket sledges are good. although the best one isn't there
http://top20cricketsledges.blogspot.co.uk/
which is the third one on this list
http://javajones.wordpress.com/2008/10/29/cricket-sledging-classics/
http://www.dotdragnet.com/forum/index.php?topic=5567.0
which came up on this similar thread about quick-witted response on this very forum
http://forums.digitalspy.co.uk/showthread.php?p=64613395
Ah dear old Churchie.
"Sir, you are drunk!"
"Madam, that may be so but tomorrow I will be sober and you will still be ugly." (Edit - ah beaten to it!)
Another favourite of mine "Your stupidity is blinding. Please turn it off."
Or "That hideous stuff dripping from your mouth - is that you trying to compose a coherent sentence?"
I can't remember where I heard it, but it's brilliant.
Sounds like Blackadder to me
"Baldrick, You wouldn't recognise a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Cunning plans are here again!'"
"Have you always been a ____? Or was it your new years resolution? Either way, you're good at it,"
"I would rather have Edward Scissorhands give me a smear test blindfolded,"
"Congrats on being___ of the month, you complete and utter waste of oxygen"
She has her head so far up her own arse, she can say hello good morning to her small intestine
I hope you fly into the sun
There was a really horrible girl at my Uni, used to try sleep with other girls boyfriends, never done any work. She went for a 'test' and I said
"At least you'll pass something this year, babe"
Nerk and Scroat - Porridge
Del Boy: "So are you suing them?"
Miserable cashier: "who?"
Del Boy: "The charm school you went to!"
My favourite (when talking to my brother) - Bum face!!!!!!
I've not heard that one in years!!
Seated at a formal banquet, Lord Louis Mountbatten asks the lady next to him, "aren't you one of those Mitford girls".
Pamela Mitford replies sweetly, "yes, and you are ?".
Something like
- are you still in the same hob
- yes, i'm still king
Wife: Close those curtains. That man over the road can see my naked body.
Husband: Trust me luv. If that man over the road can see your naked body, HE'LL close the f**king curtains.
...or how about, "You really are a Baron Harkonnen lookalike!" https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=baron+harkonnen&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=FKyHU5aWO-b80QXAlYDgBw&sqi=2&ved=0CDEQsAQ&biw=1022&bih=620
(Perhaps not surprisingly, he's not had much luck on Plenty of Fish)