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2014 showbiz predictions
Now the year is almost over, what do FMs predict for our 'favourite' z listers and others for 2014?
I predict:
Katie Price to go on CBB in Jan, leaving Jett with the manny before announcing she's pregnant again before the end of the year
Peter Andre will change his mind about another series due to 'overwhelming public demand ' (those pesky 600 fans again) and will sell photos of his new baby aprox 12 minutes after the cord has been cut
Kerry Katona will have her baby, get married, put on and lose 4 stone and be pregnant again by the end of the year.
Chantelle will have an exercise DVD out and be photographed looking sad outside Boots
Natalie Cassidy will balloon to 18 stone and tell OK that she's never been happier or sexier than when she's a size 22
The cast of TOWIE will continue to be pimped as RTV contestants, get as biased an edit as can be done but still not win anything.
Looks like same old same old in zelebland
I predict:
Katie Price to go on CBB in Jan, leaving Jett with the manny before announcing she's pregnant again before the end of the year
Peter Andre will change his mind about another series due to 'overwhelming public demand ' (those pesky 600 fans again) and will sell photos of his new baby aprox 12 minutes after the cord has been cut
Kerry Katona will have her baby, get married, put on and lose 4 stone and be pregnant again by the end of the year.
Chantelle will have an exercise DVD out and be photographed looking sad outside Boots
Natalie Cassidy will balloon to 18 stone and tell OK that she's never been happier or sexier than when she's a size 22
The cast of TOWIE will continue to be pimped as RTV contestants, get as biased an edit as can be done but still not win anything.
Looks like same old same old in zelebland
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Comments
Fixed a couple.
Katie Hopkins will decree that we should introduce genocide to stop the working classes procreating and become the editor in chief of The Daily Mail.
Kerry Katona will reveal that 'our George' was road tested by her Mother and is going to produce the sperm to enable the Mother to get preggers as she is such an exemplary example of Motherhood - but too old to reproduce naturally.
Katie Price will release her 500,000,000,00000000th autobiography which will exclusively reveal that she is regularly kidnapped by aliens which is the reason for her odd appearance - and nothing to do with overdoing the surgery. Her and Kev will tragically split due to his pitifully small acorn and she will reveal she is involved with a 'world famous' celebrity and wants to be private from now on. This celebrity will be revealed (in an exclusive and private OK photoshoot) to be Kirk Norcross.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will get married on the moon and the ceremony will be televised to 17 billion people. They will have quadruplets - South East, West North, East Coast and Blingkerchingalingling.
Tina Malone will give birth and do a post birth naked photoshoot 'doing it for the old fatties'. The world will collectively sick in its mouth.
Lorraine Kelly will get through a whole programme without brown nosing or saying "fantastic"", "brilliant", "so were so good in..."
Carole Vorderman will attempt to fly round the world but will get stuck on a remote island in the Pacific and cannot be rescued for 40 years.
Sarah Millican will lose her voice - permanently.
Ah well - it's nice to have a Wish List!
A new RTV show will start set in Soho. The stars will be all 19 and frequent the Trocadero of an evening after college. It will get huge viewers for series one but be transfered to a posher channel for series two where it will die.
Alex Reed and his GF will get PG and try to sell the scan pics on ebay.
Duchess of Cambridge will be PG again at the end of the year.
Zac Efron will be in a series of bizarre accidents and after some odd film flops will try his hand in a tv series.
Orange is the new black series two will revolutionise tv viewing.
February's BRIT Awards will be ROCKED with CONTROVERSY when Miley Cyrus simulates an act of chastity live on stage by performing fully clothed. Elsewhere, love is in the air for Joey Essex and his mirror, as they announce their engagement on Valentine's Day.
March beckons, as does a new video from Tom Daley. "I'm not actually bi-sexual, I thought I was but it turned out to be trapped wind". He'll proceed to be papped falling out of nightclubs with a succession of HOT BABEZ (and in one instance, George Lineker in drag) before settling down with a minor cast-mate from TOWIE. Katie Price announces she is pregnant with the Reverend Paul Flowers baby.
Easter brings with it Peter Andre's new baby, who definitely WON'T be "put out there for the media to suck dry". Despite this, Andre tries (and fails) to sell the christening rights to Hello, OK, the Daily Star and Horse & Hound. Deciding to get a slice of the regional themed reality show, Channel 5 decide to launch "Putting the C*nt in Scunthorpe". It is axed after thirty seven minutes.
It's May, which can mean only one thing- Eurovision! Everybody's favourite 80's vocal harmony family and shoulder pad aficionado's 5 Star reform for the big night, where they perform the chirpy pop number "Mahogany Deathstar". In an interview with Steadman Pearson before the event, he proclaims "the UK are definitely going to win this year, and anybody who disagrees is either a Commie or a Gay". They finish 23rd. A blowup doll that sings opera wins Britain's Got Talent (judging panel Simon Cowell, Jenny Eclair, the Reverend Paul Flowers and a PG Tips Chimp)
It's June and the World Cup is in full swing. Colleen Rooney takes a tour of a Brazillian shanty town as part of a Charity Outreach programmes but causes outrage when she tells a mother of 17 that she's "so jealous of your shack. I wish I had a house with a removable roof". Frank Lampard proclaims England are DEFINITELY going to win the World Cup. They are eliminated in the first round. In an ongoing bid to win Celebrity Dad of the Year, Peter Andre releases a heartfelt rendition of Kid Creole & The Coconut's "Annie, I'm Not Your Daddy". In retaliation, Katie Price and the Reverend Paul Flowers release a cover of Phil Collin's "A Groovy Kind Of Love", dedicated to their bump.
Nothing much happens in July in Celeb Land. When Mollie King gets pregannt, the Saturdays decide to switch from being a pop band to a drop in fertility centre. Still, nobody cares.
Celebrity Big Brother kicks off in August, with such luminaries as the PG Tips Chimp (sacked from BGT after allegedly rebuffing Simon Cowell's advances), Donna Air (who has spent the entire year in tears because James Middleton still won't marry her) and Peter Andre's three month old child. "He just really wanted to do it. What kind of dad would I be if I stopped him following his dreams?"
September sees another video from Tom Daley. "Hi peeps. I've thought about it and I probably am gay afterall, I'll keep you posted, though, and if I change my mind you'll be the first to know". To confirm his newfound celebrity, the Daily Mail pap him "stepping out" with a succession of gay celebrities, amongst them Dale Winton, Gok Wan and Dennis Nilsen. Bruce Forsythe signs up for his 12th series of Strictly Come Dancing, and announces he's had it written in his will that even if he dies mid series, he is contractually obliged to present until at least 2018 so "just prop me up in the corner of the studio and dose up on Febreeze". Amongst the cast mates taking part are celebrity cake botherer Paul Hollywood, celebrity style guru Nicky Clarke and, in a series first, parents to be Katie Price and the Reverend Paul Flowers.
At his annual Halloween party, a drunken Jonathan Ross (egged on by guests including Su Pollard and Tina from S Club) makes an obscene phone call to the home of TV mathematician and window salesman Johnny Ball, in which he alleges he "f**ked your daughter". As a result, Jonathan's ITV show is cancelled, and all 6 of it's viewers make a complaint. Peter Capaldi decides to leave Doctor Who after realising it isn't a medical drama- "to be honest I was hungover when my agent called the job through. I thought it was Holby City".
As the phonehacking enquiry enters it's third year, Rebekah Brooks is offered a last minute reprieve. She will be spared jail if she agrees to appear as the main character in the live action remake of Pixar's Brave. She declines, and is bunged in a sell with Lindsay Lohan and Chris Huhne's economist wife.
It's November and the X Factor is in full swing. There's mild controversy when Louis Walsh tells a young black vocalist that "ye remind me of a little Idi Amin", but the show rolls on regardless. After focus group studies reveal that most people switch over during the singing anyway, the show is now centred around who can cry the best on stage. Themes include- "failing your GCSE maths exam", "standing on a plug" and "seeing Simon Cowell naked".
Chaos strikes when Katie Price goes into labour live on Strictly Come Dancing during a particularly energetic jive. She decides to call the baby "Heel-Toe" in honour of the move she was performing at the time.
Christmas is coming, and John Lewis' much awaited ad campaign is something of a disappointment, when it's drippy female ballad (performed by that girl that sang about having punks in her hair a few years ago) cover of "Smack My Bitch Up" is deemed "inappropriate" for prime time audiences. In a hotly contested battle of wills, the Reverend Paul Flowers is named Celebrity Dad of the Year over Peter Andre, who promptly announces "I didn't become a father to receive media validation". One Direction announce that they're splitting up because of "creative differences" (two of them wanted the same haircut) and suicide hotlines are instantly set up around the country.
Christmas Number One looks to be a competitive affair too, with a number of stars staking their musical claim. Amongst them are Kerry Katona and her new band (Kerry & The Prawn Rings) and their cover of Johnny Mathis' "When A Child Is Born", Tom Daley with a cover of Diana Ross's "I'm Coming Out" and Cliff Richard with an original composition, "Touch My Shaft". Katie Price announces she'll be spending Christmas "alone, but for my 17 children" as the Reverend Paul Flowers shacks up with WAG and serial mother Danielle O'Hara. In a bid to get over her heartache, Katie announces she is "considering an offer" from Celebrity Big Brother (which thanks to increasingly poor ratings, now airs on Al Jazeera)...
Kim Marsh-Ryder-Marsh-Lomas-Marsh will do I'm a Celeb next year and have a showmance in there.
Frank and Christine will announce they are too busy to get married in 2014 and put it off another year.
Joey Essex will have his own reality show, Joey and Friends. Each week a friend will turn up to teach him something. Blowing his nose is kept for the final show. He will also be the new voice for the alternative speaking clock.
Peter Andre will get engaged, a mag deal to the highest bidder and shy Emily will appear more and more in mag deals. The pugs will never be found
Carol Vorderman may wear clothes that fit her
If he doesn't OD first.
If only miracles existed!
1D announce their split.
Not from me cos I'm only on my first coffee.
There's a lot of talent around here.
Thanks guys.:D:D
George Michael will get through the year without having a driving related incident
Lindsey Lohan will have just the one stay in jail/rehab and stay the full term she has been given
England will reach the Quarter-Finals of the World Cup
Either he'll do a richard hammond or a natasha richardson. is my predicition vague enough?
One member of 1D will be admitted to rehab, with their PR team releasing a statement about "exhaustion".
Miley Cyrus will get even more outrageous.
The X Factor (UK) will have its final series (come on, it's been on it's last legs for years as it is!)
The tabloids will feature creepy, obsessive stories about Simon Cowell's baby and girlfriend every single day - even more than they do now.
People will get divorced
People will have children
People will die
People will come out
LOL. Now that's vague.
Maybe someone will bust the closet door down properly though. ;-)
Greg will never go off puddings...
The X Factor has been contracted to stay on TV until at least 2016
kerry katona will have a baby girl. 2 months later she will reveal her rapid weight loss in OK magazine on her wedding day.
chris martin and gwyneth paltrow will divorce.
angelina jolie will marry brad pitt and divorce him soon after.
simon cowell will have a son. he will split up from his mother and gain full custody.
kate middleton will announce her second pregnancy at the end of next year.
sam cam and david cameron will announce a pregnancy at the end of next year, due just before the next election.
david beckham and victoria marriage will be on the rocks.
Peter Andre will finally spill the beans on why he left KP.
Gary Barlow & his wife will have another baby.
Loose Women will be axed.
The UK will be last in the Eurovision Song Contest.
Keith Harris will roast that bloody awful duck, Orville.
Gazza will give rehab another go.
The Spice Girls will reform, minus Posh.
Kym Marsh will snare some other poor sod.