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Is this normal?
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Please bare with me, this may take a while to explain but I want to know is this normal for a healthy realationship?
I love my wife and when she is in a good mood there's no-one I'd rather be around. But there are a lot of other times when I just end up feeling really bad. She gets very easily annoyed, I only have to say the slightest little thing and she can snap at me but then if I respond she acts like I'm the one picking an argument. She gets annoyed if I say something that she doesn't understand and I can't help but think why not just ask me to explain?
I remember once speaking to one of our friends about a song and she overheard, asked me what song we were talking about and then when I told her, kinda snapped at me because she'd ever heard of the song. The look on her face sometimes if I say something she deems to be stupid is one of disgust and just makes me feel bad about myself.
She was saying once that she loves to debate things, but if I try to initiate a debate she gets annoyed that I won't agree with her. I brought up that she doesn't like to debate with me and her response was " yeah, that's because you're stupid". Music has always been an important part of my life and it probably always will be but I get the feeling she thinks that because she doesn't really like music, I shouldn't either. More than once, she's tried to get me to admit it isn't that important any more and then got annoyed when I wouldn't. I never listen to any whne she's in the house because she would just tell me to turn it off, but she ays this fact is a sign that it isn't that important to me anymore.
There are a lot ot tv shows I used to watch that I can't anymore bacause she doesn't like them. If I try to watch football she constantly tries to pick an argument and again, gets angry that I won't just agree with her. This has got to the point that I just don't watch it anymore.
She speaks to me like a child at times and she is very good at picking at all my faults but I can't think of one thing she actually likes about me, although she says she loves me.
She does things that she knows she would go mad at me for without a second thought.
She got annoyed at me because I was a few minutes late out of work and she was outside waiting and then when I brought up all the times I was left waiting for her to be late out of work she accused me of just keeping the argument going, like I should just take whatever she has to say and not respond. When I said that she's always having a go at me, her response was "well divorce me then".
Please help, I need to know if this is normal as I just feel that I can't do anything right, no matter how hard I try.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for taking the time to read.
I love my wife and when she is in a good mood there's no-one I'd rather be around. But there are a lot of other times when I just end up feeling really bad. She gets very easily annoyed, I only have to say the slightest little thing and she can snap at me but then if I respond she acts like I'm the one picking an argument. She gets annoyed if I say something that she doesn't understand and I can't help but think why not just ask me to explain?
I remember once speaking to one of our friends about a song and she overheard, asked me what song we were talking about and then when I told her, kinda snapped at me because she'd ever heard of the song. The look on her face sometimes if I say something she deems to be stupid is one of disgust and just makes me feel bad about myself.
She was saying once that she loves to debate things, but if I try to initiate a debate she gets annoyed that I won't agree with her. I brought up that she doesn't like to debate with me and her response was " yeah, that's because you're stupid". Music has always been an important part of my life and it probably always will be but I get the feeling she thinks that because she doesn't really like music, I shouldn't either. More than once, she's tried to get me to admit it isn't that important any more and then got annoyed when I wouldn't. I never listen to any whne she's in the house because she would just tell me to turn it off, but she ays this fact is a sign that it isn't that important to me anymore.
There are a lot ot tv shows I used to watch that I can't anymore bacause she doesn't like them. If I try to watch football she constantly tries to pick an argument and again, gets angry that I won't just agree with her. This has got to the point that I just don't watch it anymore.
She speaks to me like a child at times and she is very good at picking at all my faults but I can't think of one thing she actually likes about me, although she says she loves me.
She does things that she knows she would go mad at me for without a second thought.
She got annoyed at me because I was a few minutes late out of work and she was outside waiting and then when I brought up all the times I was left waiting for her to be late out of work she accused me of just keeping the argument going, like I should just take whatever she has to say and not respond. When I said that she's always having a go at me, her response was "well divorce me then".
Please help, I need to know if this is normal as I just feel that I can't do anything right, no matter how hard I try.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for taking the time to read.
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People always talk about a "boss" in a relationship and who wears the pants and stuff like that. I'm just really confused as phrases like that mkae it sounds like maybe this is just what marriage is like and I should just put it to the back of my mind and get on with it. But there's the other side that tells me no, this is not right and someone who actually loved me wouldn't treat me this way.
My head is all over the place and I don't know whether I'm coming or going and it's actually beginning to affect my health.
Sorry for the essays but I've bottled all this up for a long time as she chased away all my friends
Has your relationship always been like this? She needs to treat you like she likes you.
You need to sit her down and discuss it - with lots of "When you do x.. I feel like...y" rather than lots of accusatory "You always do this..."
Do you have any interests you can do together? Do you go out much?
If she's chased your friends away that would ring alarm bells to me and the fact you are worrying and stressing about it I think tells you that no, it's not normal. A bit of snappiness now and again fine, but it sounds like she is controlling and picking fights for the sake of it. Would she be agreeable to counselling? Did you know you can go to relate alone if she won't agree?
I have doubted for some time now that she has any respect for me due to the fact that her outbursts often contain multiple expletives and I simply don't think people who respect each other should speak to each other that way. I have tried to talk to her about this but she doesn't see that it is a problem on her end and as I said in my original post, when I expressed that I didn't like that she is often having a go at me, her response was just "well divorce me then". Which also got me thinking about the possibility that maybe that's what she really wants and just wants to push me to breaking point so I will end it.
At the beginning I tried the laid back approach, absorbing what she said and trying to let it go over my head and kept telling myself it wasn't the way she really felt and that she was simply letting off steam. However, this only seemed to strengthen her belief that there was nothing wrong with what she was doing, and I think it is part of human nature that if you hear someone telling you the same thing enough times you start to believe it and have got to that point now. I no longer believe that she doesn't really mean what she says, which is why recently I have started to try tobe more assertive and stand up for myself when she starts arguments for someting she perceives that I have done, but this only serves to frustrate her even more.
At times it feels like an angry parent snapping at a child and this was never the type of relationship I wanted, nor was it the type I expected ours to end being.
Again apologies for the long post, and I appreciate people taking the time to read and offer advice.
P.S. I did try going to relate. I took an afternoon off work and went but was told that they don't have a permanent base in my town and I would have to make prior arrangements
Do you think she wants the marriage to work?
She says she loves me but I really doubt that to be the case (she says I have no personality and I don't see how she can love someone she has that opinion of). What I think is that after so long in physically abusive relationships, she loves being in a relationship where she is free to do as she likes without the threat of violence.
hmm that is interesting as she has had cysts removed from her ovaries
Sounds like you have become pretty brow-beaten, you need to dig deep and take steps to either get her some counselling or get out of there.
She knows exactly what to say to make feel as badly as possible and on the occasions when I have brought things up and tried to talk to her, she has switched the responsibility on to me and I've ended up feeling that it's my fault.
Can't you watch TV in another room or ask her to? She sounds controlling?
I can't stand F1 but I just do my own thing while my boyfriend watches it.. that's what people do right?
You need to have a proper sit down talk this over with her without arguing (if that's possible)
Good luck.
There's already been some pretty comprehensive replies to your identical post up there from a month ago.
You have gone along with her moodiness and disrespect because you don't want to argue but there comes a point where you have to have a bit of backbone and refuse to be spoken to.
By now this has probably become a habit and one she will need some help with breaking.
My suggestion would be to sit down and try to calmly tell her how you feel without accusing or blaming. Just explain that sometimes you feel she isn't respecting you by the way she talks to you and that you would like it if both of you tried to communicate in a more respectful way.
Don't let her get away with putting you down - if she does that you need to stand up for yourself. 'Please don't speak to me like that, it's disrespectful', 'I'm not going to discuss this with you unless you can talk to me calmly and pleasantly'.
As for 'divorce me then' - that's simply her trying to call your bluff. You've got to ignore it - remind her that you want to remain married to her, you love her - but you are not going to tolerate being spoken down to, snapped at or verbally bullied.
To use the vernacular - grow a pair.
She sounds like my wife who had the same ovarian cyst problem and had the lot removed. :rolleyes:
It sure is going to be interesting reading this thread. I can't explain why I do those same things. I know its hurtful but I just can't help myself.
I think a lot of mine is abandonment issues (maybe hers is the same) I've been in a lot of bad relationships and it always seems like even my family left me. Maybe she started off trying to indirectly push you away. Almost like a test but it has somehow become a habit?
My husband puts up with quite a bit of sulking from me, and usually teases me out of it - but he makes it quite obvious when my mood is pushing him too far. I like to think that we're quite good at realising when we're not going to agree or change one another's minds and one of us will usually say 'Well we're not going to agree so there's no point arguing about it.' We might go to separate rooms or sit in silence, but it's more dignified than continuing to pick fights and end up having a shouting match. We usually resolve it once we've calmed down - next time she's being argumentative can't you say 'let's discuss it later, once we've both cooled off?' Don't get caught up in the heat of the moment or you let her make you into the bad guy by twisting your words.
As for not watching TV or listening to music for fear of offending her... that's awful. Everybody deserves 'me' time (which is why I'm on the computer while my OH has the TV for a few hours.) Try to find a compromise - there are certain programmes you want to watch, certain ones she wants to watch and you'll have to agree who gets control of the remote at certain times.
You're not being selfish for wanting your own personal space and to feel happy and respected in your own home. She doesn't have to like or agree with everything in your life - it's your right to have tastes and opinions of your own. You sound like a nice guy, but perhaps it's time to start reclaiming your life by being assertive.
Good cut n paste job from the OP's first reply to that post, too.
Hmmm......
^^^ This. Are you being too much of a push over. Have you told her that what she is doing is unacceptable to you.
Without 2 way communication then a relationship can never succeed.
It's funny you say she's been in abusive relationships, her behaviour seems to be the same as that of an abusive partner in phase 2 of the abusive relationship (exhaustion). Maybe it is learnt behaviour? My advice in this case would be to seek marriage counselling if you can afford it and to start demanding some respect; for example, explain to her calmly that there is no need for her to call you names and this is not normal in a loving relationship.
Other than that it seems she has some issues a professional would address with success.
PS: the part with "just divorce me" sounds like a dare to me, it seems to me she's trying to be undesirable to prove to herself that she really is. Having been in abusive relationships she probably doesn't value herself much and can't see why would anyone want her, so...
Counselling is the answer in my opinion.
OMG ditto, was nearly me too! I too had a previous bad relationship, my dad went off with another woman when I was 14 and my mum is a bitter old cow who doesn't speak to me because I did well for myself.
I think for a while my husband took a lot of stick from me, I think my attitude was to push him away before he decided to leave as that's what men do anyway and at least that way its my decision if he does go and I am protecting myself by not depending on him.
But alas he told me he was "never going anywhere no matter what so get used to it!"
Like yourself OP, he couldn't understand why he was treated bad when he had never fine anything wrong but I for believe it's just a defence mechanism.
You definately need to talk to her as she sounds a bit lost and definately needs your support - I think the obsession with you agreeing with her about things like music stems from reassurance that you want the same as her.
I'm from a very similar background to you. Things are starting to improve with us a lot too but it took us a good while to get here.
To be completely honest, I really wonder why he stuck around so long with my behaviour because I would just not put up with it from a man now. I am completely hypocritical about the behaviour I am willing to deal with from him, and like the OPs wife if I've done something awful to upset him I wouldn't accept it I'd be like 'Fine, if you don't like it leave me then.' I was beyond awful to him for so long. I still can be when things don't go my way or I'm in a bad mood.
If the behaviour was from a man to a woman (and the OP wasn't trolling) I think the reaction would be different.
I know and I apologise for repeating myself but I wanted to get different people's perpectives. Plus on here I can have more of a two way conversation about it. It's not something I'm taking lightly and I am truly grateful for all the advice I have been given, both on here and via the link above.
As for cutting and pasting, I was posting while my wife was out last night, and it took a lot less time to do that than to explain the whole thing. It seemed more productive as it gave me more time to get people's perspectives. The fact that I have posted on different websites does not make my situation any less valid than if I had only posted on one. Nor does it diminish the importance to me of the advice I have received.
Like I said on one of my earlier posts, I attempted to go to relate but discovered there isn't a permanent base for them around here. It would take a lot of arrangement to be able to get a consultation with them.
She doesn't believe in needing your own personal space, she takes that as "I don't want to be around you" and gets annoyed, which also goes for if I sit on the chair whilst she's sitting on the sofa or vice-versa.
She stops the things I like doing from being fun so that I won't want to do them.
We had an argument this morning because she asked me a loaded question, knowing what answer she wanted me to give, so I refused to answer on the basis that if she doesn't want my opinion she shouldn't ask the question. She twisted this in to me refusing to answer because I didn't want to agree with her and she ended up handing me her wedding ring before going out to work and then sent me a text saying to let her know when I want to talk. However, knowing her as I do I take that to mean, let me know when you're ready to accept all responsibility and apologise... again